Hello, I am Twila! I am here to bring my own MLP stories that I hope you would like! Have a blessed day! <3
Twilight wants friendship to spread, and more importantly, unity across the world.
A guard wants to protect the world and wishes for strength to do so. His goal is increased when he meets a certain princess.
A powerful unicorn will not stop until she casts the world into division and destruction, but can friendship stop her?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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(Aqua Mist belongs to Somberskies.)
(Celestial (an upcoming OC) belongs to NightSongMLP.)
Some critiquing on your story (mind you this is not to tear you down)
This passage feels forced and awkward:
An easy fix for this would be something like this:
you’ve got a couple of things that should be possessive but aren’t; an example:
It should be
You don’t need to state that it is in her room, because within the context it’s obvious that it would be there.
Also a minor problem you have (same as I do on occasion) is switching between verb tenses, I personally would recommend writing your story in past-tense (he said, she did, they had done) since that’s what you have 95% of it already written in.
Anyways, I hope this helps you out! And also- feel free to message me if you would like more help and better explanations! I’ll help as I’m able to if you would like it.
8614894
Thanks for the critique, it helps!
8616105
No problem, I like helping people out.