After a car accident kills Rhyme's family he sets out to find a way to forget the pain of his lose. In the end he settles in Canterlot only to be called a murderer and rapist. still he fights to be his true self who is a girl at heart.
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FYI, having only read the description so far, I'd like to let you know that referring to a transwoman with he/him pronouns is misgendering her. That might rub people the wrong way.
8551795
I understand that better than you think because I myself am a transwoman. but at the point you are in the story he hasn't come out to the world as transgender
I need to say one thing: The sense of scale in this fic is very, very off.
First, the accusations made up about Rhyme are so fantastical, I'm surprised people are taking them seriously, much less act so violently about them. He's a high school student, not a supervillain. A dozen or so rapes and several murders are an awful lot to cram into such a short time he's had. That's not to say the idea can't work, but I think you should tone it down. One or two, maybe even three supposed cases are much more realistic, with the added bonus that Sunset can work out a short backstory for each. It'll become much creepier that way, much more relatable.
Secondly, his injuries. He had a broken rib. That doesn't heal overnight. Most people can't run with something like that either because just breathing tends to hurt. And then Rainbow broke his nose. Broken noses tend to bleed, a lot. They make it more difficult to breath too, yet those injuries seem to have no effect. Again, if you don't want to deal with the full symptons of a fractured nose and broken rib, don't go that far. Getting punched still hurts even if nothing is broken.
Remember, exaggeration is a tool often used in parody. It's easier for most readers to take something seriously that feels fitting instead of over-the-top. A bruise on his chest and a black eye would perfectly suffice.
8551871
thanks for the advice as for the rib and nose if someone is emotionally upset to a certain point the physical pain is even though it is still there is less than the emotional pain of which cause the physical pain to lessen.
as for the part of the rumors, i suppose I did go a little overboard but people have to remember that Sunset was the one who started the rumors.
8551805
Alright, I see. I'm just saying that the way the narrator genders the character counts.
8551927
i understand but soon he will come out as transgender
8552431
ok what do you mean? im confused as to what your comment is implying
Ok i'm just gonna through this a bit, but some of this stuff
What? Ten people, ten boys and girls, what is he super rapist. Also "Everybody is afraid you will do the same to them" what! and then finally "there is no reason to feel embarrased i am the same way"
ELABORATE!!!!
THEN THE DRUNK DRIVER KILLED YOUR FAMILY, oh my god.
I can't... Im done. This story is just....
This made me cry.
Can I do a rage review fic of this, pretty please?
Do I even want to know?
8552462
go ahead
8552464
do you want to know what
8552472
I don't think so, I don't think I want to know what I just read.
8552482
aww why
8552498
It was weird, and not the good kind. The uncomfortable kind.
8552446
It was implying that you consistently make a lot of mistakes regarding which words start with a capital letter and which don’t
8552799
okay
Alright... 3 ways on how you can improve this story.
1. Elaborate, and timing. You need to give much more detail, explain how he is feeling, what time of day it is, how did he learn to cook, etc. The Timing, the chapter should have ended when Rarity said "He might kill himself" Then have an entire chapter based on that, not just a paragraph
2. Rhyme, The he/him pronouns are incorrect for Rhyme and his lines are rushed. The only scene in this chapter that gave enough information is when he made Apple Pancakes for Twi. Also... YOU NEED MORE DESCRIPTION. Most of the chapter is talking, which is far too much. Unless a chapter is a very important and in-depth conversation, then make it one. The whole "the girls becoming friends with Rhyme" should have been its own chapter, With much more detail.
3. This sounds like another story. I have read that story up to its current chapter as it is not finished. This story is Finding a place by battle cat Read the first few chapters and tell me it's not similar. It also came out almost a year before your story. I would not say that this was done on purpose normally, however, you have read that story and I know that seeing as it's in your Fav's bookshelf.
8888938
First off I was planning on writing this story for about a year and a half. Yes I have read his story and it is similar to mine however mine is a focus on finding the courage to be who he is. Second the reason their is so much talking is because I wrote it based on the movie. Yes I get what you are saying that description needs more however I am assuming you only read the chapter's up-to where Twilight and the girls are done planning. If you continue to read the story you will realize that it is quite different from the story Finding A Place.