One day after school, Raw Data finds what appears to be a cracked and broken odd looking phone. It's not a phone. It was the first designed bio-mechanic system, and she needs help. Raw Data does help her, and in the process makes more like her. However, the government is constantly searching for the phone housing the bio-mech, but what they're trying to model after her are war machines. Dangerous war machines, capable of wielding weapons of mass destruction, and no one wants that.
Chapters (12)
Honestly, the pacing isn't the problem. You are grammatically correct but I think you need to develop your voice better, because it is there and it will come in time and honestly the best way to do so is read this either out loud to yourself or to someone else. When you do so pay attention that each character sounds slightly different, but above all else have fun with it, when I read to my girlfriend I often give the characters different voices so I can hear their vocal patterns. I really look forward to where you are going with this. This has a tremendous amount of promise and honestly I am a little jealous that I didn't think of this first. So keep going because at least in me you have one in raptured reader. Thank you for sharing this.
8504322
Thanks! That technique is much appreciated!
8504322
Actually, would you like to proofread?
8506287
Can’t unfortunatly. I work two jobs and honestly don’t have the time to do a proper job. But I am flattered you thought of me. Thank you
8507205
Ah. Well thanks anyway!
Hey I'm just popping from the front page, your description seemed odd
I'm a little lost from that but at least there's some context when I read the main description
8508070
Thanks for pointing that out. Have you read the story anyway?
8508300
Nah, I was just passing by. I might give it a look later. A mysterious, talking mcguffin device seems like an interesting plot.
8508320
Cool, thanks!
escaped military prototype huh. that never fails to create an interesting situation, cant wait to see how this goes and more importantly the motive for escaping.
8508817
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
more like here remove the e
they're trying to middle after her are war machine
No idea what goes here but it just feels like something is wrong
now one wants that
Is this and no one wants that
Good luck with the story hope this helps
8513994
Thanks!
8514254
No problem
Sorry if it I sounded like a grammer nazi earlier
8514272
Eh, good grammar is essential. So, what did you like of the story?
Woohoo found your voice!!!!! I love the consistency of you characters and that the AI is more hormonal the the teenager. Points for good use of irony as well as "I'll tell you later."
8514278
Haha, thanks! The lack of hormones and lack of knowledge in that area is easy to do, because I don't know much myself. But thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
8514275
Oh have not read yet i plan to and i like the idea i just got a few stories i have been meaning to read tgat i found earlier and i like to wait for Around 5 chapters or so since i am a fast reader
8514334
Ok. Well, when you do start reading it, I hope you like it!
8514354
Haha i think the moment you sent that I finished reading it. All in all a good story seems to be a potential shiping between raw data and bitz (yes thats the ai)
8514374
Thanks!
Just started reading this as well! Looking forward to anything that comes next.
Also Raw Data definitely has less interested/more restraint that I would if I had found her
8532896
Hehe, yeah, most people would agree with you. Strangly, I actually based Raw Data's hormone-ness and sexual cluelessness on myself. And I'm glad you liked it!
]
ooh, sounds like someone invented the invisibility cloak
8536533
Pretty much, yep! Glad you liked it!
...Now I want a crossover between this story and Mechanical Soul.
8536780
Oh, I love that story. But it would be a miracle if the Albinocorn agreed to a crossover, but I would totally do it, because that would be awesome.
Well, this is getting interesting
8540652
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
Well...I'll be damned.
That came out better than I would have expected, you know? Of course, your writing could use some polishing, but all in all? Not bad.
One thing I feel I should point out, though, is that when you describe something or someone, try to avoid using many short sentences. If the description is big, then sure, once in a while can't hurt. But if you're describing something in not even two lines, then it's a problem. For example, the taxi of last chapter: you could have put all you wanted to say in one, a little more complex, sentence. But you had to use three telegraphic sentences. E.G.:
"It was an old-looking taxi, seemingly left there for a long while."
See? It feels more natural, at least to me.
Nonetheless, I commend you for your dedication.
Keep working on it, and your skills might one day reach the stars.
-Fang out.
8546101
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
Sequel is needed.
That be awesome.
Synthetic but living 2: Adventures In Cyberspace
8547091
Oh, I'm already working on a sequel. I'm glad you liked it, and that title is better than what I had.
8547152
You can use it if you want
8547250
Thanks! I totally am.
What kind of epilogue is this? It doesn't wrap up all the important loose ends!
Some of us are very curious about that leftover organic material!
HOW THE
AM I THE ONLY LIKE?!!!! SERIOUSLY?!
8547464
That is true, I did forget about that. I'll edit that in now.
8547567
I do not know.
8548247
I was just being joking, but thanks! XD
or would it be butt thanks now?
8549262
Hahaha! I suppose so.
8540669
why do I see burrow getting a crash course in magic emphasis on crash
8552586
Ah, no, but he does learn to not mess with friends of Sunset Shimmer.
8552645
well you cant spell slaughter withoutlaughter
8552706
Nor can you spell funeral without fun.
8546440
You're welcome, bro.
Just had to point out that the comments under and above my previous one are both from you, and they say the exact same thing. It really weirded me out.