A HUMANOID LOBSTER WEARING DOCTOR'S CLOTHES EATING WITH KNIVES AND FORKS TAKING CHUNKS OUT OF A WELL COOKED PONY. ON A LARGE PLATE!?

EEK!

Man In A Suitcase - Geezer

Ah, Futurama. This fan fiction is sorta ripe for a sequel, so if anyone wishes to make a sequel go ahead.

>>929534929534

Yes, that is the minor gore detail. As you can see, I left most of what was happening in that part to the reader's imagination. And was done as cheap shock value.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this fan fiction.

>>929542929542

Nice song.

Yes. Yes.

>>929827929827

You enjoyed this fan fiction?

>>929889929889 how could one not enjoy this fanfic

>>930078930078

Hmmm, Humans have a wide range of tastes and interests, so there's bound to be someone out there that doesn't enjoy this fan fiction.

Such as some of the dislikes I've gotten.

WHAT'S IN THE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE FUCKING BOX?

>>930118930118

Why, there's a whole universe in there.

>>930093930093 Dislikes? Oh, the little red bar that's smaller than the green one? Yeah, look carefully at what I said.

Why-the-hell-everytime-pinkie-says-something-you-put-it-like-these?

Uhm, I hope this doesn't sound too negative, but... why do all these MLP-Futurama-Crossovers read like they where written by Fry? Is that intentional? I sure hope so.

>>985122985122

Because she speaks very fast I guess. Sorry if this annoys you.

>>986624986624

Read like they were written by Fry? Are saying my witting sucks? (Not to say I think Fry's witting sucks) If you are I have to agree with you for indeed my witting does suck.

>>987467987467

I really would choose a different word (and I would have written "writing" instead of "witting", but I guess that's not really that relevant here), but basically that's what I was trying to say. Only that this style certainly is fitting for Magical Shiny Land - I seriously considered you did it on purpose.

But don't worry too much - your writing is closer to how Fry writes after Leela read over his stuff twice and it certainly is good enough to not make me stop reading. So, please, keep writing!

A few (very few) hints:

<"Your welcome."> Should be <"You're welcome."> as the "You're" is a short form of "You are" whereas "Your" is an indicator of possesion. It's not really Pinkies welcome that Twilight is talking about but that Pinkie is welcome.

Directly after that we have a sudden change in tense:

<Now that Pinkie Pie can also see Twilight proceeded to fly her spyorb out of the closet into the room, then went up the stairs flying through the door transparently out into a corridor within the building.>

The whole time (as far as I can recall, there might be other slips of that kind elsewhere) you are writing in past tense, here you are switching to present tense for the first part of that sentence and switch back to past tense for the rest of it.

The whole idea with Pinkie talking very fast isn't that bad (although I don't think she is talking that fast *all* of the time), but inserting-those-symbols-is-somehow-counter-productive as at least for me they make reading the words a *slower* process and put them further apart. It's as if Pinkie Pie is talking with exaggerated pronounciation or something. Ifyouwannahavefasttalkingjustforgetthewhitespacebeacausethenonecannotmakeoutthesinglewordsaseasilywhichisjustfionebecausethesameistruewhensomeoneistalkingreallyfast. *heave*

Just don't overdo it and only use it for the things that wouldn't be easily comprehensible when spoken, which isn't the case with most things Pinkie Pie says. Think of "Pickleberrycumquatchocolatecherrychunga" as opposed to "Oatmeal, are you crazy?".

<"Well of course they can't hear us, we're speaking in a different universe to them.">

Uhm, they're not talking to them at all, they're talking to each other. I think what you meant was:

<"Well of course they can't hear us, we're speaking in a different universe than them.">

I could be wrong, not only because I might b misunderstanding your intentions but also because English is not my mother tongue, so please take this with a grain of salt, as I am not entirely sure about this one...

I hope you can somehow use this productively.

Edit 2: I feel my next fan fiction may get a lot of hate since Bender Bending Rodriguez is gonna be in it. Let's just say he isn't very nice to the Ponies.

>>988084988084

Thanks for your wonderful constructive criticism, I like criticism as along as it's not blatantly insulting me.

I have taken your feedback into account.

I tend to mostly write in transcript format else where off this site on the Futurama Madhouse), so that may be a good reason why I'm not really that good at writing fan fictions in prose, also having Asperger Syndrome may had to that.

And sorry for the miss wording of "writing" with "witting" I was in a rush making that post.

Edit: I edited all the wrong times where "your" was said in Magical Shiny Land to "You're". And replaced "to" with "than" as you pointed out.