In my opinion, this isn't very good. First off, there are numerous spelling and grammatical errors. You forget a lot of capitalisation and tend to miss use words (loosing instead of losing, for example).
Ignoring those errors, the story just isn't very enjoyable to read. You write it like it’s a film. There's a lot of visual stuff going on, but you neglect the things that really set writing apart from other mediums. I didn't see any exploration into a characters feelings or motivations aside from descriptions of their facial expression or tone of voice. This is especially apparent during the actual torture scenes, where emotions should be running high. Reading things like "The mare screamed in pain", "Pinkamena smiled and opened the door." and Pinkamena pulled out the two folders and dropped them to the floor." isn't very entertaining or engaging for the reader, it just makes the story seem like a giant, elaborate list. Delving into a character's mind is where writing really shines, because it can't be done as successfully on any other medium. It'll make the story more engaging to read, and significantly bump up the word count to boot.
Technical errors aside, another reason why I didn't find this entertaining is because it’s just straight up pointless torture. There's no character development, or even reasoning behind anyone's actions but "its fun", or "because I can". The characters are just shallow serial killers, and there's nothing interesting about them.
I'm not good at conclusions, but I hope you take what I've written into account when you next write, -Sparklight
I love it! But, I found one teeny tiny mistake. Where you typed "I-I need a boost." said Ruby It should be Scootaloo, not Ruby. other than that, you are good.
997204yeah most of us have a bloodlust I love looking at my victims face as I slowly drain the source of their life out of their body and then forcing them to drink vodka and then setting fire to them and even then I am still drinking my blood mine or my victim's
Scootaloo..." sand Pinkamena. "Get me... the fucking... knife." Pinkamena held the knife against Clover's cheek. "Oh, this is gonna be fun." said the mare, grinning. Clover whimpered, sweating constantly. The filly was still in shock from having stabbed the mare.
Im pretty sure something was left out cause i dont remember scoots stabbing clover until a little while later and im sure its supposed to say said not sand
In my opinion, this isn't very good. First off, there are numerous spelling and grammatical errors. You forget a lot of capitalisation and tend to miss use words (loosing instead of losing, for example).
Ignoring those errors, the story just isn't very enjoyable to read. You write it like it’s a film. There's a lot of visual stuff going on, but you neglect the things that really set writing apart from other mediums. I didn't see any exploration into a characters feelings or motivations aside from descriptions of their facial expression or tone of voice. This is especially apparent during the actual torture scenes, where emotions should be running high. Reading things like "The mare screamed in pain", "Pinkamena smiled and opened the door." and Pinkamena pulled out the two folders and dropped them to the floor." isn't very entertaining or engaging for the reader, it just makes the story seem like a giant, elaborate list. Delving into a character's mind is where writing really shines, because it can't be done as successfully on any other medium. It'll make the story more engaging to read, and significantly bump up the word count to boot.
Technical errors aside, another reason why I didn't find this entertaining is because it’s just straight up pointless torture. There's no character development, or even reasoning behind anyone's actions but "its fun", or "because I can". The characters are just shallow serial killers, and there's nothing interesting about them.
I'm not good at conclusions, but I hope you take what I've written into account when you next write,
-Sparklight
poor clover...i feel bad for her
Bloodlust is nothing to be ashamed of...
Read warning AGAIN.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-6jH4WQ72gns/Ta20LgzNUVI/AAAAAAAABHQ/KA-W-y-sE9g/s1600/ObamaHellNo.jpg
Scootaloo vs Ruby, Gladiator style to the death for the glory of being Pinkamena's assistant.
Scootaloo has feral bloodlust
Ruby Pinch has shapeshifting and hypnotic magic.
Two fillies enter, one filly leaves.
Fimbulvinter. That could be interesting, my moneys on Scootaloo.
980482
I'm starting to think that this is actually an RP, and the bad grammar parts are bits of the RP that weren't edited/weren't edited enough.
I love it! But, I found one teeny tiny mistake. Where you typed
"I-I need a boost." said Ruby
It should be Scootaloo, not Ruby. other than that, you are good.
997204yeah most of us have a bloodlust
I love looking at my victims face as I slowly drain the source of their life out of their body and then forcing them to drink vodka and then setting fire to them and even then I am still drinking my blood mine or my victim's
this story is sick but yet cute in a way i love it
Still loving it haha. Content-wise of course, the spelling and gramtacialerrors will just have to be ignored.
Woah Ruby, where'd you come from?
not derpy!
i wonder why when i read this story I wanted to be Pinkiemena's helper
Scootaloo..." sand Pinkamena. "Get me... the fucking... knife."
Pinkamena held the knife against Clover's cheek.
"Oh, this is gonna be fun." said the mare, grinning.
Clover whimpered, sweating constantly. The filly was still in shock from having stabbed the mare.
Im pretty sure something was left out cause i dont remember scoots stabbing clover until a little while later and im sure its supposed to say said not sand