Gotta say, I'm very impressed with the story so far. Colour me intrigued
If there was one thing I would criticise though, it'd be the fact that the protagonist seems a bit Gary Sue-ish. He has more pros than cons (awesome parents, his pretty strong strength, etc.) whereas his cons are... what?, being a little small?, there's no real balance with the protagonist.
No disrespect or anything intended by the way!, I know you'll make this story great as it goes on but I suggest tweaking our main man a bit so this fic doesn't seem so "self insert disguised as a 2nd person"
I'll be keeping an eye on this. You have incredible potential here!
So the guy who had been shown to not really have a bad bone in his body suddenly becomes a bully to the short MC whose shorty shortness is totally not the only thing defining him but is the only thing we know about him other than his mom is always busy and that his dad is proud of his shortness. I'll pass.
I'm going to keep reading this, but I'm not liking this so far, mainly because of the protagonist. You made him to be an angry, violent little man who hospitalised people for making fun of his height (or lackthereof). This would be fine if you acknowloedged it as a fault, be he gets praise for his violence and that's not sending a good message.
But that's not the only thing, because you have two characters from the show who I don't think are done too well. You make Flash an arsehole when by all accounts he seems like a nice guy (granted I've only seen one and a half of the movies, but he certainly didn't seem like the bullying type). Rarity is done better, but still has the problem of being too comfortable around this guy who she knows has hospitalised people for calling him short. I get that he said he wants to move on from that (even though just before that he just threw Flash against a dumpster), but I'd expect at least a bit of trepidation from her, or at least something in reaction to her realising who the protagonist is.
Like I said, I'm still going to read this, but I have some big problems.
You started ranting. "SHORTY?! COULD A SHORTY DO THIS?! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANNA CALL ME, A HALF-PINT BEACH BALL MIDGET?! I'M STILL GROWING YA BACK-WATERED DESERT IDIOT!!!"
You placed your order and payed the lady behind the counter before taking your seat. Not to be that guy but thats the wrong spelling its paid not payed. Payed is a different word
YAY! RARITY! WOOT WOOT!
Great start!
I saw that line from Fullmetal Alchemist. Nice touch.
8449617
glad you recognized it. I love Fullmetal Alchemist, especially Edward's short rants
Gotta say, I'm very impressed with the story so far. Colour me intrigued
If there was one thing I would criticise though, it'd be the fact that the protagonist seems a bit Gary Sue-ish. He has more pros than cons (awesome parents, his pretty strong strength, etc.) whereas his cons are... what?, being a little small?, there's no real balance with the protagonist.
No disrespect or anything intended by the way!, I know you'll make this story great as it goes on but I suggest tweaking our main man a bit so this fic doesn't seem so "self insert disguised as a 2nd person"
I'll be keeping an eye on this. You have incredible potential here!
So the guy who had been shown to not really have a bad bone in his body suddenly becomes a bully to the short MC whose shorty shortness is totally not the only thing defining him but is the only thing we know about him other than his mom is always busy and that his dad is proud of his shortness. I'll pass.
He reminds me of Edward Elric.
8651600
I gave him that sort of vibe
He's like ed from full metal alchemists
I'm going to keep reading this, but I'm not liking this so far, mainly because of the protagonist. You made him to be an angry, violent little man who hospitalised people for making fun of his height (or lackthereof). This would be fine if you acknowloedged it as a fault, be he gets praise for his violence and that's not sending a good message.
But that's not the only thing, because you have two characters from the show who I don't think are done too well. You make Flash an arsehole when by all accounts he seems like a nice guy (granted I've only seen one and a half of the movies, but he certainly didn't seem like the bullying type). Rarity is done better, but still has the problem of being too comfortable around this guy who she knows has hospitalised people for calling him short. I get that he said he wants to move on from that (even though just before that he just threw Flash against a dumpster), but I'd expect at least a bit of trepidation from her, or at least something in reaction to her realising who the protagonist is.
Like I said, I'm still going to read this, but I have some big problems.
A BAG OF COKE AND PEPSI?
KAWOLSKI, ANALYSIS!
That doesn't sound like Flash.
YES EDWARD ELRIC!!!!
You placed your order and payed the lady behind the counter before taking your seat. Not to be that guy but thats the wrong spelling its paid not payed. Payed is a different word
9107361
Wow, someone else noticed.
Now I don't feel like an arse!