- Member Since 19th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen January 31st
nodamnbrakes
"Descriptive but creatively shallow and morally bankrupt."
nodamnbrakes
Joined 19th Aug, 2012 ·
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like seriously your prose chops kinda always stun me
because there's always been a whole bunch of people on fimfic writing stories
and you're one of the maybe half dozen to a dozen i can think of
who are like
"holy shit these people know how prose works
This was incredibly well-written, Para. I think you communicated the tone you were going for effectively.
Ho boy. I appreciate the quote you chose on the front, I think that was actually a good inclusion.
This was good, that dissassociation and just emotional turmoil. Was crazy well written.
It is stories like this that highly show how impressive you are when you write.
Incredibly impactful, seriously.
~Skeeter The Lurker
8443815
8443828
8443895
It kind of helps that I ran it through about a dozen different editors, haha. But yeah, I really tried to make this fic really intense and emotional while also staying as tight as possible in terms of the writing. Thank you for all your praise. It really means a lot to see that people think I'm still a good writer.
8443879
I'm glad you caught that! Yes, that was an attempt to capture the experience of dissociation in writing. It's bizarre and hard to describe, but I think I did an okay job of it if people are picking up on it.
8443842
Well, it captured the spirit of the story pretty well. Thank you for saying it, hehe.
Very well written, and a very heavy topic, I wish you well and keep on going strong writing and in life.
Excellently done. You captured the darkness of the experience perfectly.
...you know what, I think I'll take you by your word on this. I appreciate the warning.
Wow... This was incredibly well-written. Heck, I could even say it was one of the most well-written stories I've read on the site. It was amazing. And really left an impact.
8443895
This. I was one of the people looking at it pre-publication, and I had great difficulty finding any flaw or fault in it. Ended up agreeing with a small detail someone else had objected gently to, and finding a new place for the detail.
So I helped with one word, and not by adding it or writing it, just by moving it. And even that was difficult and took all my own skill to do. Para's one of the best writers on FIMfiction, when necessary.
This was an extremely accurate depiction of how child abuse affects the mentality of the victims. I give this five stars!
8443951
I'm doing reasonably okay these days, so it seems like your wish has come true. Thanks for the comment and the concern!
8443978
What did you expect?
8443955
8444003
I did my best to convey an authentic sense of what it was like. It seems like I succeeded. Thank you both for reading! And thanks for proofreading, Grant.
8443998
Wow, thanks! It means a lot that people seem to be treating this as something worth reading. I was actually really nervous about posting it because I wasn't sure how it'd be received.
8443991
You just made an immeasurably wise decision there, eheh.
I wish you well. <3
8444000
Like I keep saying, there's always room for improvement no matter how good something is. Thank you so much for your help, and also for doing the cover. Also for helping me get to a point where I was emotionally able to write it in the first place. *hug*
I had something else I wanted to say to you, but I forgot what it was. Aaaugh!
One of the best depictions of a serious, sensitive subject that I've read in a while. The tone and prose throughout the story were employed brilliantly in how they expressed Twilight's thoughts and feelings, and this is one of the rare instances where a second person narrative improved the story. Excellent work as usual, Para.
8444021
You'll remember.
And I'm grateful you came around to liking the first cover: I felt it was very important it be… dignified in how it said what it said. It's the ambassador, not the narrator.
Very well written. This was incredibly impactful. Keep up the great work.
...gah. Horrific, and beautifully written. Plenty of other folk here are praising the prose, and rightly so. It's exceedingly evocative. Twilight's mind was a gutchurning place to be for all of this.
It's also one of these rare examples of second-person perspective being used really, really well - coupled with the prose, it helps hook into the reader.
8444021
Not that much needed to be done, I mostly added commas here and there. Your grammar was largely impeccable!
You're very welcome! It was a pleasure to do so!
8444036
I intentionally wrote Shining's behavior as pseudo-romantic because that fits with the behavior of many incestuous/pedophilic predators: they convince themselves that they are in a consensual relationship with their victim. Deep down he knows he's hurting Twilight and what he's doing is wrong, but he deludes himself in order to excuse what he does to her.
As for incest itself... I honestly have no problem with it if it's fictional, just like I have no problem with any other sexual or non-sexual acts if they're fictional. The issue begins when people are unable to understand that certain fantasies should remain in the realm of fantasy and fiction, and begin to project them on to living people; especially children.
People like that are dangerous.
I'm really happy you thought this was well-written, and I pretty much agree with everything else you said in your comment. Thank you for taking the time to leave some thoughts.
8444021
Yeah, I've really seen too much of that already, it's only depressing anymore.
8444036
A true statement about relationships between minors and older youths (or adults) in general, really... which is pretty much why we don't allow them to begin with.
I find this very good in quality.
Considering the subject matter, I'm not sure if "I liked it" is a good phrase.
Should I favorite?
A harrowing look into Twilight's mind, captured in vivid detail. It's terrifying to think that could be going on without parents realising. You mentioned that it's supposedly cathartic to write it down like this - do you feel any different, now it's done? I am aware that's a very personal question, I'm honestly not sure where the line is on that in response to a very personal story, apologies if I've stepped over it.
8444117
Most of the time people let it happen because they don't want to see what's right in front of them. It's a horrible thing and I don't really blame them for not wanting to accept that it's going on in their household, at least on a certain level. But then there's just blatant denial. My mother outright said I was lying about it when I finally tried to tell her.
I couldn't really tell you for sure, honestly. It's hard to quantify something like that. But I guess I do feel a little better if I had to say yes or no.
We'll see as time goes on.
You can ask me whatever you want. I'm not the kind of person who gets upset easily. This isn't Tumblr.
My like for this is in rwcognition of the catharsis it would bring to you, and in homage to a well-written work that details the victim's side of things in a realistic and rather unabashedly candid fashion.
My only fault in this is that I wished that no one, least of all a talented soul as yourself, ever had to endure such a thing.
Can I say that this is both a both very well written story, and one that seems very out of character of Shining Armour.
8444164
But that's the rub. There is no "character" for this sort of thing. Most times you see things like this, say, on the news, are often accompanied by all the people around that person going "I never knew they could do such a thing" for a reason. It's the reality of these kinds of situations - that the person in the predatory role may otherwise be completely normal and upstanding. And that fact, in turn, makes it all the harder for victims in these situations to come forward and be believed. As parasprite mentioned in an earlier comment, many of those people don't even believe they're hurting the people they prey upon.
8444164
I agree that it's very out-of-character for him to molest his sister. The idea for this came more from a combination of the Shining/Twilight incest pairing being popular in a number of fan works, and the fact that Shining is the pony Twilight looks up to the most as a young filly and as the author I wanted maximum emotional impact.
It could also be argued, I suppose, that it's always the ones you never suspect, if you want an in-story explanation.
Edit: 8444172 got to it first.
Oof. This is one of those stories that's going to haunt me.
8444172
Sad but true. I followed the Jerry Sandusky case very closely when it was on the news. I followed how people made excuses, how it was revealed that the university knew for years. I followed how he was glorified by his supporters even as more and more victims came forward. I'm told he still believes, to this day, that he was genuinely in love with his victims and that they loved him.
I'm feeling sickened to my stomach even today, recalling that. Every case like this is all of that and more, just recreated in miniature.
That was amazingly written. Especially the dissociation. The switch to third person makes it so, so real.
It really sucks that any child has to go through this, and you captured the mentality perfectly.
It's also just a really nice switch from "wow Shining Armor is sleeping with little Twily, this is so hot". Because in reality, it's really not.
Excellently done.
Part of it touches my own personal experiences, though mine was in the form of my father's words, and briefly before divorce finished matters, bruises. My siblings don't really understand, as I bore the lion's share of it all.
Still haven't sorted it all out yet, but I will. It is only my actions in the present that I control. My life is my own.
I can only echo what Chuck and others have said: your prose is amaaaaaazing. It really brings the entire situation into focus.
This was precisely as awful (see: well written) as it needed to be to communicate the point. Thank you for sharing, I hope that writing this helped you.
EDIT: Worth noting - This fic is disturbing and raw about the description of sexual abuse. Please, if you're concerned about what your reaction to this story might be, you should probably skip it. There's plenty of warnings in the description, but I figure reinforcing that is important.
First, praa, I'm sorry that you have to live with this pain. You aren't pathetic. You aren't a loser. You are a valuable human being, and I hope life treats you better.
Of the fic: This was raw, honest, and true. I don't know what I can say here that other's haven't already. I feel like you captured this as accurately as humanly possible. You didn't take any shortcuts, you didn't overtly villanize or sympathize with either character. The confusion, the dissociation, it all made this all too real.
Thank you for sharing this with us, as painful as I can imagine it was. It is powerful, impactful, and important.
That's a facet I had such difficulty trying to get across when I would attempt to explain myself.
This story reminds me of "Not now, Big Brother" by darf. Same basis and situation, both very well done.
How is my stupid trollfic at the top of the list for 'also liked' on this story?
8444631
Yeah, I was wondering that too.
Weird.
Hope you got something out of this, though.
Having read the description, and having read some of the comments....I'm not sure i want to read this. I started reading one of your other fics awhile ago, and while disgusting it was also an amusing idea. But this...
I think I'll skip this, one if it's all the same.
8444695
Understandable.
Thank you for the comment, anyway.
[silly]It did turn you into an excellent writer, so i'd call it a wash.[/silly]
Srsly tho, you do have a severe edge in the whole writing shtick, because under the "write what you know" principle of penmanship, your more extreme range of traumatic emotional and physical suffering does directly translate into the realistic depth and communicative flow of your characterizations and dramatic presentations.
Take my upvote!
I'm so sorry that you went through this, though I am glad that you were able to share it.
This story was everything I suspected it would be in terms of reaching in and twisting my heart. The repetition of the clock ticking and the library card elements especially affected me, and I don't want to explain why because I'd rather others read this and see for themselves.
I don't think I know how to compliment you properly on this, considering, but this is excellent prose, as others have said.
So... having eventually read this (and I do hope it helps you) and some of the comments, the big thing I'm wondering is... how does someone do what Shining Armor did, and not notice? I mean... I could see a few times, at the start. Experimenting, making sure the sample size was large enough. They're both young; maybe it doesn't occur to them that they should straighten things out first. But it doesn't seem like it would take all that long to figure out that Twilight was at least uncomfortable with some aspect of what was going on, enough to sit down and talk with her about it. I'm not doubting what I've read that people do indeed not notice; I'm just not understanding how.
(By the way, nicely done on the cover art. At first I thought it might just be a graphical glitch, but the more I looked at it, the more little problems I saw -- and then the meaning clicked.)
8444968
A lot of a predator's mindset isn't about caring whether their intended victim is "okay" or not. Whatever Shining Armor is doing, it's likely all rationalization and delusion in his mind that enables him to continue. He wants this, and he's making it "okay" by saying he "loves her" and saying all these "nice things", but it's not for Twilight's sake that he's saying it: it's his own sake. He wants to feel like he's in the right, and that he's not hurting Twilight, so he says what he thinks will make it "right". He doesn't actually care what Twilight really thinks, though, and that's made pretty clear when it's communicated that Twilight has complained about things or talked with him about it. Twilight has obviously asked him to stop, and he's increased the pressure on her by saying "she wanted it" and "he'd 'helped' her, so it's unfair to not repay him". He's playing mind games so that he can keep getting what he wants.
This is all-too-common. I worked with young people for three years who basically lived this situation, and the things they talk about when it came to close family members' mind games is horrific and sickening, and it is precisely as described in this story. I've been the person that's heard these things and started the reporting process that ended the victimization of a young person. Being a mandated reporter is part of my job, but I encourage anybody who suffers under this type of situation, or KNOWS somebody who suffers under this type of situation, to PLEASE step up and say something. You could save somebody's life.
8445167
Ah. Thank you for the information. Not really sure what else to say.
Well, at least you and people like you are working on it.
... Wow.
This was... incredibly well-written. Haunting. Chilling. A step into the mind of someone so broken, so confused, so hurt, that it makes you want to weep, as she so desperately wants and needs to.
And the quote at the end...
I wanted to say "I'm sorry" after reading the author's note, but that quote makes me say, "Fight on," instead.
Fight on.
Fuck.
Between this and "Not Now Big Brother", I'm going to have some problems reading this pairing for a while.
Hauntingly well written.
This was very, very unsettling. Masterfully done. And damn, what an all-star editorial staff behind it, too.
These kinds of fics where Twi was abused as a child make me wonder how it fits in with her canonical depiction as a grown-up. I mean, it doesn't have to, necessarily, but it's an interesting thought experiment. Twi has a lot of anger problems on the show, but she doesn't seem to resent her brother at all.
What if she was in denial about her childhood as an adult? What if she was taking medication and going through therapy, but never told a soul? What if she and her brother seemed normal in public, but sometimes, their minds wandered back to that point in time, and they shared a knowing glance? It's a chilling thought. And potential writing prompt material, I'd say.
This story made me very uncomfortable. I didn't end up finishing it, I just couldn't bring myself too. The tone you were going for was conveyed very effectively.
I have one question about this whole thing. What... Exactly... Is "numb lava" supposed to mean? Please keep in mind, I am a very literal person, so all that runs through my mind is the fact that lava cannot feel and is not a feeling...
And as for feedback on the story itself? If I had any sort of vivid imagination, this story would probably give me NIGHTMARES. That whole situation sounds horrible!
Magnificent, this has helped me to understand so much.
Also, you are not pathetic or a loser
(if you're joking then feel free to disregard this).