Cloverleaf
Joined 21st Mar, 2013 ·
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This is so confusing.
Just like that.
Confusing isn't the word for this. It needs about about 2000 words added to describe what is going on.
A writing tool to use is, when a character is introduced for the first time, consider them naked (or in MLP's case, shaved bare) until you have described them properly. Our doctor is an amorphous blob of character, with no description at all. The ponies aren't described in the least, and don't emote. There is no idea where this is taking place.
The best way to start each scene, I have found, is with at least two paragraphs (about 150 words or so) describing the scene. In cinema this would be called an "establishing shot." Establishing shots are used to show you the actors, what they look like, any strange poses they are in, and how they appear before action starts to happen.
Also, I think slitting your wrists with shards of glass is a touch above E rating...
8371188
Could have sworn I set it as mature. No matter. It's swapped now.
You need more descriptions about what is going on. Your scenes hop far too rapidly for one, with little to no descriptive terminology. Most of this story is dialogue in some form, but a story cannot stand on dialogue alone. Also Spike's doctor, this is obviously a very important character; so why is there little to no explanation or description about why the doctor in the story?
Not even a description of what the doctor looks like. Your descriptive scenes overall are far too minimalist. I can tell that Spike is suffering from what seems like Multiple Personality Disorder or schitzophrenia due to trauma from the greed incident.
However I was raised by a parent whose professional field dealt with that sort of thing. So of course I would pick up on it. The average person won't without much more descriptive or explanative writing. What your story truly lacks is descriptions of every sort outside of dialogue. It also suffers from going pacing that is too fast, with confusing scene transitions. You need a few thousand more words minimum to make this idea work.
I would actually suggest breaking the story up into chapters, one focusing on the doctor and Spike and their history. Tell us, the readers, why he is in that office.
The next chapter could focus on the interaction with the doctor shown here, with more descriptive writing. I am not saying try to be like me and describe every single twig on a Timber Wolf, but please be far more descriptive than you are now.
The final chapter should focus on the Library, Spike, Twilight, and what happens there. Again, be more descriptive and slower with the story pacing.
That is my feedback before bed.
Good night and good luck.
Glen Gorewood