Hello, I write things. Sometimes they're good. Guess you'll have to stick around and figure which ones are and which aren't.
Spookums is a homeless unicorn with a bat pony mother and unicorn father who's spent her life living in slums and ghettos traveling around Equestria begging, borrowing, and stealing anything and everything to try and get ahead. Unfortunately for her, screwing others so often inevitably leads to conflict. After a grave injury she is rescued by Princess Luna, whom she, with time, comes to view as a kindred spirit and mentor.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hoo hoo. You're relatively new and this is your first story. I'm giving you a heads up: People might start shooting flak at you because of your cover art. I'm not sure of it's still like that, but this is a warning so you can prepare yourself, just in-case.
I also applaud your author note about criticism, but unless you're used to it, you might not be too welcoming for what's to come as well. Imma read through and give my two stone wheels.
The first thing I would do would be to separate the first few paragraphs. They're pretty huge.
The next thing would be titles and pronouns, like 'Damned Few'. Should be capitalized and within quotations to indicate that it's a character naming them like that, or a title given/granted, and so forth.
You're also bordering on purple prose. An example would be the boiling water. You didn't need to say where it was hiding. We could glean it from the area you mentioned prior. The paragraph after that is definitely purple prose, however. You're exaggerating on the darkness euphemisms, among other things. Like, the entire paragraph is a strobing purple light.
You should also work on your usage of commas and 'and'. You got it good, but sometimes you use commas where 'and' should be and vice versa.
*Spookums' eyes slowly and painfully...goddesses. The lowly
The first sentence is short. No need for a comma. After, you need to separate the scenes. Here, you were creating a run-on sentence and fusing two scenes into one.
*Luna, my sister, who is this pony?!
The 'sister' is an addition to the character, so you separate the two to indicate this. However, this is really unnecessary. Having the luxury of fanfiction alleviates some difficulties as we know who the characters already are. That being said, this is just my two shekels on the matter. It's entirely relative to fanfics.
*from who
Tis an interesting read, especially the criticisms of the ponercorns, but do lay off the details. I commend your need to paint a picture, and you've done that pretty well, but if you use too many colors it'll all combine into a brown shade.
Thank you for using possessives right, though. Tired of seeing 'apostrophe s' after words/names already ending in S.
^ what he said, but past that, you've piqued my interest. The one thing I've noticed most new authors do is they tend to.... rush the story along when they want to get to the action. Either that or they write themselves into a corner where the only way out is to make the story incredibly awkward or just outright cancel it. I'm not saying that's what's happened now because it hasn't. If you want to get an idea of good pacing, I'd suggest checking out Pen Stroke or shortskirts&explosions. Just remember to not work yourself to the bone so much that you burn out and you'll be fine.
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What, and not me?!
Энэ түүх үнэхээр сайхан байсан! Би зан төлөвийг хөгжүүлэхэд дуртай байсан ба дүр зургууд хоёрын хооронд шилжих замаа мэдэрсэн! Таны тайлбар намайг аз жаргалтай болгосон бөгөөд би чамайг сайн хийж чадна гэдэгт итгэлтэй байна! Та угаалгын саванд хийж болохгүй гэж бодож байгаа эсэхийг шалгаарай.
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Thank you for the comment and the kind words, I'll make sure to keep things updated on as close to a monthly schedule as I can!