- Member Since 11th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen April 15th
babyuknowme13
An aspiring writer who loves to wile away the hours by reading.
babyuknowme13
Joined 11th Jun, 2015 ·
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babyuknowme13 · 71k words · 17 0 · 208 views
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- babyuknowme13 · 71k words · 17 0 · 208 views
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Where does the sex tag come in?
8362341
The sex tag is mainly for graphic descriptions of birth and sexual talk. If I put in actual sex it won't be until I get Morning and Mountain together romantically. That won't be until chapter nine. I'm already working on it.
I'm really liking this story so far. The whole "discovery" theme is quite compelling.
Wait, where's Paradise Valley? Also, Apple Bloom is two words.
8417110
Paradise Valley is a mix of Paradise Estate and Dream Valley, names of settings from old generations of MLP. That's what this land will eventually be called and it's what I headcanon the old land of ponies is called in FIM. And Apple Bloom is two words? Okay, where did you see it? I don't remember using that name in this story.
8418493
It was in the title of the latest chapter of your other story, Rest of Their Lives.
Oh, that's a pun actually, not just her name. Like Applebloom, and she's blooming into an adult? It's not a great pun, but I liked it. It's supposed to be that way.
So I am very un-suspended at the idea that it would be worth carrying gourds full of oats with you at all times and not eat them tuil winter.
Maybe instead create a cairn of stones packed with dirt. Just burying is not enough to dissuade forest critters, but a rock pile is easy to find in the future and wards off scavengers.
It would be more believable if you made your characters accomplishments smaller and harder to get. As an engineer who watches lots of those building a hut in the wild videos, I don't think I would build a very good sledge on the first try. And I don't think that a pony who had only a vague idea of a need would get it first either.
Maybe add some foreshadowing, touch on other ponies projects a couple chapters before they show up. Let there be time-skips and montages of trying and failing.
Sledgemare could have watch them weaving last chapter and been like hmmm.
Especially for the basket weavers. Let them start and restart multiple times as they figure it out. Walking between areas with reeds, let them think up better ideas and maybe try other less suitable materials.
Have you ever tried making rope or basket weaving? You can read descriptions and watch videos and still get it wrong without someone guiding your hands.
Now this spear business is another one that could use some revision. It is unlikely that the stallions would accept it without seeing it actually being useful, and attaching a stone to the end of a stick well enough to use as a tool is actually pretty hard. Replace stone with sharpened wood, and foreshadow it as being used to poke at a nearly ripe fruit just out of reach in a tree. Show that the adults are not useless and have been affected by the light as well; have somepony come up with a 3 shift system for stallions on watch.
Baskets could be of use here. let some ponies out with a stallion escort to gather food into baskets. Then they can last longer.
Also, when will ponies learn flintknapping?
9196105
The gourd of oats is meant to be a little snack. Winter doesn't have a lot of good things to eat and the oats as a treat make it a little more bearable. I do admit, I could've thought things through a little better. I might revise this story later on when I've got the time. The idea that the ponies should struggle harder and experience more failures in their trials, yeah, I agree. I definitely could've done this better. Your idea of Morning or "Sledgemare" watching the weaving to get the idea about the sledge is pretty good. I've never thought of using a spear as something to reach fruit with, that's an interesting idea. And the adults were changed by the Light too, it's just that they're a little more set in their ways than the foals. They'll get going though.
Let me know what you think of the rest of the fic! Hopefully you'll see some improvement! Thanks for your comments!
Who made the cover art?
9319997
I did. It's not very good. I'm especially not happy with the art for Building Ponies, but I needed to put something there. I prefer writing to drawing, obviously.