- Member Since 30th May, 2017
- offline last seen Wednesday
Sage the Ero Harem Kami
"It is my sworn duty to protect the harmony of the Haremverse but if ones so salty try to disrupt this harmony in any way, THO SHALL GET RIGIDITY WREAKED BITCH BOI!"
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- Sage the Ero Harem Kami · 3.7k words · 52 23 · 1.5k views
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Je good start, and I already had some ideas for future encounters
Sssoooooooooo if there's going to be love making make sure the Pokeballs are soundproof.................right?
I am really enjoying this it makes me feel really nestolgic and the addiction of "battelers" makes it even more interesting also sexy time with pokemon? You ditry bird
8792761
All pokeballs are soundproof my friend.
*clicks “+More”*
i.imgur.com/OqZqUyd.gif
8793493
Do you like it?
8793502 I was referring to the fact that the description is virtually a novel in and of itself.
And even then that’s only the beginning of what needs fixing on this story.
Ugh, no.
SHIT MAN I LOVE IT! congrat onthis sec story.
8793519
Alright what else needs fixing?
Glad i could help with this.
8793607 I’ll try and be as un-CinemaSins as possible and get to the meat of the issues.
1. Epikku? Your setting is named after how a Japanese person would say “epic?” I thought this story was for mature audiences.
2. You shouldn’t need to state what location you’re in every scene. You should be able to describe these places in their own right, especially if they’re made up by you so the readers can discern the setting themselves. It’s especially silly when you state where we are, only for the narration to tell us where we are.
3. The fact you mention the POV makes me think you’re going to be going back and forth between 1st and 3rd person. Don’t. Pick a perspective and stick with it. The story will feel less jumbled this way.
4. Your narration is super expository, and for a Pokémon story, this kills the world-building that makes playing the games super fun to begin with. The narration should be focusing on what characters are doing at that moment and not what they’ve already done or are going to do. That’s what character interaction and dialogue are for.
5. The size of your characters bewbs and butts should not be the benchmark traits of your characters. If you’re going to have sex (and I really wish you wouldn’t), save any descriptions of their sexual body parts for when actual sex happens, and not when it concerns mundane everyday things. Like, her cup-size should not be relevant to her making breakfast.
6. Zecora is supposed to rhyme. If you can’t figure out how to write flowing, rhyming dialogue for her, replace her with another character. Don’t half-ass it.
7. You also need to be less verbose when describing the other characters. Every time you have to describe each wardrobe change is giving me My Immortal flashbacks.
8. Yeesh, even your dialogue is clunky and expository. Think about characters and what they’ve probably been through up to that point. They should not need to say stuff that’s already obvious to them, or, at the very least, would sound less like actual people talking and more like trying to fill an imaginary audience in with information.
9. Your narration should not be telling me the characters’ personalities. I should pick up from these things by their actions and the way they interact with one another.
10. You shouldn’t have to provide music for your scenes. If your readers can’t establish the mood and their own feelings as they read, then either you show no faith in your readers or have little faith in your own writing abilities.
Okay, I’m sorry, I had to skim through the rest. The pacing is just awful. Every couple paragraphs there’s a weirdly-worded onomatopoeia, a picture of something, a music video, and yeah, I don’t feel any connection to either the Pokémon world you created, and I really don’t see how this is related to the MLP universe other than a bunch of humans who share the same name as characters from MLP.
You should really read more stories on the site, and do try to avoid anything Mature-rated when you do. Like seriously, you can have a story where a pony finds herself in Auschwitz that would appear to have been written by an illiterate mentally-handicapped cat, and so long as that story has a scene where she gives a Jewish prisoner a blowie right before they’re gassed, everyone and their father will have their dick in one hand and their other on their mice to like and favorite the story.
I'd read some of the well-received Mature-rated stories first before proceeding. What you have now is a rough draft.
8793788
That was...surprisingly civil of you. I certainly welcome that style of critique. Bang-up job.
8795576
How can I improve it? This is the first chapter so it will get better as time goes on.
8795583
Well, moviemaster summed it up better than I could, so I'd focus on that. The best thing would be to take note of what makes a mature-rated story successful and integrate those key points into your writing. Learn when to bring up certain details, such as physical traits, as moviemaster pointed out. You also need to shorten your description by 90%. Anything else I could say has been covered already.
8795593
Alright.
8795593 Well, I said at the end of my comment that he should just avoid Mature-rated fics altogether because they tend to be highly rated simply because it indulges their ponelust and not because it’s well written or has a genuinely good story behind it.
8795613
Hard to argue with that.
8802311
I know thanks for reminding me of that.
8802313
Why more dislikes than likes?
8807720
Not sure.
8807720 If only there was a comment on this story that explained the multiple reasons why this story is a failburger! ☹️
Liked and followed, but you need to break that long description up into a few paragraphs. And make it sound exciting! Talk like you're a movie trailer guy with 20 seconds to sell me on this.
8854219
Okay thank you for the kind words.
8854227
No prob. Watch the epic movie trailer vids for inspiration, your description reads like someone explaining the plot, rather than hyping it up.
8855340
Okay thanks but I think I may half to revise my whole thing a bit.
8855342
yeah
8855342
I have to say it's a very interesting and good story there were some spelling errors here in there but I know that it's a very good story I really hope this story isn't dead
9588680
Thank you for your kind words.
9588682
So is the story dead or no
9588704
Im not really sure to be honest.
9588706
Well I really hope it isn't dead
Will you be updating this at all