• Member Since 8th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

mrturbodk


E

this is gonna be a story about a alicorn named Zesty Zapwing, a male alicorn who survived a airballoon crash in everfree forest as a young foal and has grown up in ponyville.
now at the older age, we join him on his everyday slice of life and watch him grow and remenish.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 9 )

nice story dude, you are quite good at story telling. would be nice knowing abit more what time period we are in. is this after or before the show? things like that. im not really into all important and can do anything charaters also known as mary-sue charaters. but your story telling kinna even it out so im ok with it. and since it is only the begining it's hard to determine that you might have a point in making a mary-sue charcater. keep up the good work. but be warned others might not share the same point of veiw as i do :3 do let negative stuff get too you and make the best of it as you can :3 you friend Baka-Neku :3

894322

if you read the describtion of the earth pony that finde Zesty, you'll regonice a young ponyville mayor .. :heart:

894385 haha im bad at colors and reconicing that kind XD so in other words he is on the same age as everyone else from det show more or less :3

Incoming alicorn shit storm.

First of all, your description has a bunch of errors in it. Aside from your lack of capitalization, you prefaced airballoon with 'a', when it should be 'an'. You also used remenish, which isn't even a word.

Now, on to the story itself:

-capitalization issues. While you do remember to begin every sentence with a capital here, you have some words capitalized that probably shouldn't be. Pegasus and Unicorn shouldn't be capitalized (you wouldn't capitalize human), and neither should Smoke.

-spelling issues. Ponies is the plural form of pony, not ponys. 'n' is not a proper substitute for 'and' in literature. Recognition and recognizable, not regocnition and regocnizable. Most of these should be easily picked up by a spellchecking program. There are more spelling issues in the second chapter, but I don't feel like pointing them all out.

-you don't need to include a recap in your second chapter. I'm sure your readers will be able to remember what happened so far, and if they can't, they can just read the first chapter again - it's not even 1000 words. You also don't really need the "to be continued" at the end.

-your character seems like a Mary Sue. Aside from the whole alicorn thing, as well as the odd color scheme and dead parents, he's apparently good friends with all the mane six. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a story that had a character with those exact same traits, I'd have quite a bit.

-there are some things that don't quite seem to make sense. Why was Applejack so concerned about him going out the window? He's a fucking alicorn; he has wings. Also, why would he stay with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's families? They both come from Cloudsdale, and while Fluttershy may have stayed in Ponyville when she got her cutie mark, I'm sure her parents wouldn't have.

-your writing style is pretty bad. I can't even tell what perspective you're writing from most of the time, and you switch between past and present tenses too much. I'm not the best at giving advice on writing styles, so I'll leave it at that.

Overall, you need to work on your story more. Make an effort to fix the spelling and grammar; the rest probably can't be fixed without restarting the story completely. The story does have potential, but it failed to interest me enough to read any more of it.

899751 -- english is not my first language, i'm from Denmark and this is my first story.

899862 Ah, my apologies. I didn't realize that English wasn't your first language.

900803 -- no worrys, constructive critisism is good n all that. i did get high marks for english though way back in school, a refresher course might help.

but to those who sees this as a way to get at me, all i gotta say is .. haters gonna hate .. cause i aint halting .. not aimed at anyone.

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