this is ma fimfiction account, I'll probably start writing some stuff soon xD
When Twilight and her marefriend Pinkie hold a sleepover, they begin playing truth or dare after organising sleeping arrangements. Somehow, a dare causes Rainbow to admit her feelings for Fluttershy and vice versa. Applejack also goes through this experience but nearly has a mental breakdown! In amongst all this, Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a falling out and it's up to Rarity and Fluttershy to help them make up again.
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This was a good story that had all of my favorite ships in it...Yay! Twinkie!
I would just get somebody to edit your work. You use commas a too much and some of your sentences could be worded differently as well.
Good job and continue writing!
8204074 I try to keep my grammar as good as possible, but English is probably taught differently in the UK to other places, so you can probably blame my English teacher for that (in the UK we tend to use commas to act as 'taking breathers' as my English teacher says xD).
Another thing might be is that I'm more used t writing scripts than stories, but I'll get there!
Thanks for reading,too!
-MS
Not a bad concept, and the story is super cute. Rarijack = <3
What is obvious is that you typically write scripts and that you take the idea of "taking breaks" for commas too literally and far. ;)
Editors with strong grammar skills would help you a ton here, but what would really help you out is related to the fact that you stated you typically write scripts. Details. You could definitely use more detail within your writing. You never really set the scene much and you only added minor details that would gift the reader with a sense of what was goin' on outside of the dialogue. I also feel pacing could have been done nicer, and let the story and the characters bring it all to life. Don't let the narrative tell us about Rainbow's and AJ's crushes, give us an evening of interaction that shows how they feel about their respective crushes. It makes it faaaaaar more entertaining. Besides, that Truth or Dare game could've gone on much longer, leading to more build up. Just jumping RIGHT in and having the juicy stuff come up felt just a tad rushed. Also, I felt Fluttershy didn't even give Rainbow much of a chance to get her answer out lol ;)
Again, this is a very good base and the story was cute. I like the idea that Rainbow causes AJ to get upset due to a question she asks in the game and it leading to a revelation between Rarity and Applejack, I just feel that maybe finding a good editor and prereader would help for further work!
Don't give up and have fun! :D
8206880
Thanks for the advice! As a script and audio drama writer I think I'm too used to giving a basic description of the scene, so I'm not describing it too much, as you say.
As for Applejack and Rainbow Dash, i think I could add in more detail to how they formed their crushes for Fluttershy and Rarity.
Again, thanks for the advice!
I think it would be really beneficial to rewrite this story in more detail, so if you want to stay tuned, I'd have made sure it's much more improved than before.
Thanks
-MS
Ahh, my favorite pairings are here
8882638
Me too! :)
It's "new" not "knew" but cute story, you may have a Derpy: