- Member Since 5th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen March 17th
Sanguine Eyes
I am the high priest of Snuggloth the dark one, I am the champion of his armies, the undisputed king of Snuggles.... fear me
Sanguine Eyes
Joined 5th Feb, 2015 ·
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- Sanguine Eyes · 22k words · 38 6 · 1k views
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Pretty good so far. You’ve done well setting the scene and developing the protagonist’s personality. The story is largely free of grammatical errors and there are few instances of poor wording.
Two things that really stood out to me though:
1. it’s the Ministry of Morale — you can safely replace every instance of moral with Morale.
2. Since it’s a proper noun the non‐article components (i.e., everything except “of”) should be capitalised. This includes “Morale” when you’re omitting the “Ministry of”, just like how you still capitalise America when omitting the “United States of”.
8646083
Oh!... thank you, I get confused on that sometimes.
After reading the first chapter, I feel like our stories are twins, separated at birth and sent to the far ends of Equestria, only to meet on the day of destiny... Well, maybe not the last part.
8646177
Trippy... there is a lot in common lol
Though I think your Ruby could kick the hell out of my Lexicon TwT
Poor Lexi
Looking good! Its nice to have a protaganist that dosen't roll out of a vault with 99 lockpick and a small arsenal of "starting weapons". A Earth pony too! Too many unicorn and pegapussys OC's in the wasteland. Cant wait for more.
8648373
^_^
One of the things I'm having fun with here is that Lexicon is nothing close to a warrior.
Much like how Blackjack and Little Pip were badasses but weren't packing very much in the brains Department... Lexicon is their opposite. She is smart, clever, and though she lacks knowledge she has extensive intelligence in order to make up for that.
Much like her not knowing how to pick a lock but she's smart enough to figure it out because the internal workings of a lock simply makes sense on a physics level.
^w^
She's a very fun character to write but she has some growing to do. She can't be just helpless her whole life.
8646437
Yeah, she could. My story will have a lot of challenge to get right because Ruby is so powerful, but I've got a lot in store for her. Both powerful enemies and difficult problems.
Lexi on the other hand will have to persevere despite not being able to handle the threats that get thrown at her. However, I think the two would get along for the most part, being scientist types.
Like Lexi, Ruby is pretty smart, but the real difficulty Ruby is going to have is how she has a very defined view on right, wrong, good, and evil, and because she is going to be stubborn about it. She's going to pick a lot of fights and her companions won't entirely agree with all of them.
You are doing a great job with this so far. Keep up the good work, my friend. :)
Hoping this isn’t dead.
8997210
It's not... I am working on the next chapter, I just do a lot of stuff and I work 12 hours a day, I'm constantly securing new art and planning deeper into the story.
I should be getting a lot more content up and running pretty soon here.
8997210
new chapter out ^w^
9127999
Is the story still going and you busy with life and still doing edits or is it hiatus for the moment?
9285385
Not trying to have a hiatus. I am actively working on new chapters and occasionally going in to make small fixes on things I didn't notice.
8930869
That's good. It's always good to try and poke a author and ask about a story If no one has asked about it. But as long as you respect to that they're human too and can drop or get very busy with studies/work/life.
9285666
^_^
Feel free to poke me if you want more. I'm always happy to hear from fans of my work. It will consistently make me more eager to put more work into my content.
9285692
That's good because Lexi's story is a very different stories since she's so terrified of the wasteland. Since she was a was a survivor of the end that went the short way to the apocalypse.
There's a live reading of this story, right? You should link to it in the synopsis.
9293713
Well there's one chapter so far, but yeah, I was gonna do that.
Good chapter but what was in the snow when she landed in the snow
9306457
lol that's a secret >o<
I can tell you but its details that lead up to something in a few chapters.
My God man The end of the world happens and I still can't get laid!
9357083
XD
Poor Lexi
9357220
Yes its even better that she doesn't even know how to feel about it.
9357268
I had to play around with it a bit, but yeah... I figured that was more realistic with how hectic her life is at the moment.
9357282
Yeah it really plays well with it so you did do a good job with it.
9357294
Now I just need to get it out to more people... Only 30 likes so far. I need to pump those numbers up.
Your storytelling is great.
9394704
^_^
Thank you... It does mean a lot to hear that.
Why do you leave us with so many questions? Good read. Have a good day!
9508704
>w<
Don't worry, those questions eventually get answered.
Visual presentation? Intriguing. Thanks for the story update!
9544173
^_^ No problem
Yin is a good boi.
pm1.narvii.com/7151/e9784857b08f41d649aa1c292f03b222f96f03f0r1-384-512v2_hq.jpg
pm1.narvii.com/7151/11b00f61a17f5b1979dfeb1901e6fb59a759b0b1r1-384-512v2_hq.jpg
The story is great in it's concept and heading, I really like where it's going. The characters are well crafted, motives hinted at, dispositions and ideals tentatively set or teased to the reader.
I'd say the pacing is terrible, but it fits Lexicon's temperament and thought processes, or so I've been given the impression anyway. That said, scenes seem to ebb and flow in how fast they move, giving off a vague disjointed feeling, almost feeling rushed, but not quite, the mind seems to fill in the blanks, but i can see it putting some people off i suppose.
tl;dr
Characters are likeable, relatable and generally feel unique.
Scene pacing and transition earlier on in the story feel a bit wonky, generally improves by chapter 4, but still could use some work*.
*Personally i find the vague disjointed pacing of the narration quite pleasing, lends immersion to the story, but as i noted above, this could put off some readers.
9544784
Thank you ^_^
I can't quite nail down the slow pace.
I base a lot of the content on how I would approach a situation with certain information and points of view, so while the reasoning for each character remains diverse, I add a little too much of my own impatience into the plot making things move just a touch too fast.
So far so good! This captures what someone who was yanked out of civilization and thrown into the wasteland would be like. Also, love the detail you put into your work.
And man I felt sorry for Wax Seal!
Keep it up!
9654239
^_^ Thank you.
Most fallout Equestria stories are about naturally talented combatants, that powerful but no smart type... I wanted the opposite.
More please!!! This story is epic!!!
..and i really wanna see croce. Give lexi ALL the loves.
9655463
Not a problem! I've been busy lately but I'll be resuming reading soon once everything has calmed down lol
9708404
I'm pretty sure that Croce does want sum Lexi lovin...
But he doesn't know it, and he doesn't want himself to find out about it XD
9709966
let the snuggles intensify then....*throws croce into a freezer so lexi can warm him up again*
9710244
XD
*VERY ANGRY BIRB NOISES*
Mr. Black: "Beware those known as Oracles."
Littlepip: "Why?"
Mr. Black: "They know the end for all but themselves so heed their words but do not take them as absolute truths. An Oracle merely sees one path, maybe five tops. There are many paths our choices may take us down so accept it merely as advice."
9783804
... clever ^_^
9783846
i can't claim credit. i paraphrased but this was indeed a thing in multiple stories.
9783898
The oracles are a tad different, but there is a good reason for them to be here and you're getting close.
hold up *checks random sentences throughout* is a few dozen voices in your head not normal? are pinkie, lexi, and i the only ones this is the norm for?
9786353
lol
Logical Lexi: "Shhh! you're not crazy"
Concerned Lexi: "But you should go see a shrink..."
Reality Lexi: "If one exists after the wold ended..."
This chapter had me laughing soo much.
Keep up the good work this story is coming together real nice.
9828876
^_^
I thought that Reaper would be liked.