Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you/Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.
In the days before the completion of a sacred ritual, Rarity and Twilight must engage in a duel of blades to determine the outcome of the most important event of their lives.
Written for the RariTwi Creation Contest #4 - Interwoven Colours
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Certainly interesting, and you threw in a bit of actual fencing, but it's the pony who's hit that usually says 'halt, touché' unless they've got a ref.
Still liked though
Gorgeous!! Gonna give you a follow.
I'd love to see more like this!
8189033
Admittedly, there are several inconsistencies between this story and real fencing.
The Watsonian explanation for this is that Unicorn fencing in Equestria is different from Earth fencing in specific ways that happen to coincide with how this story is written.
The Doylist reason is that the attacker calling a halt to the action is cooler/more dramatic than the attacked, and "touche, point" scanned better than "halt, touché" in the story, though I swear I've used "touche, point" as well when informally fencing people without a ref (could just be the school I studio at), and when fencing electronically (which is what the spells on the swords in the story simulate) I've found that both parties tend to call a halt depending on who noticed the buzzer light up first.
On a related note, "Allons-y!" is a completely made-up starting phrase based on changing the conjugation of "Allez!" and adding a pronoun to make it flow better. I've found when fencing without a ref that a physical gesture tends to be used to indicate the start of a match rather than a phrase, but the story flowed better if both parties spoke before fighting.
In short, I may have taken some liberties with the actual rituals of fencing, but I was hoping no one would notice. In the future, I'll probably try to make it more obvious that the rules are different if I ever do something similar to prevent that little nagging feeling when something is just a little bit off.
8189138
Thanks!
8189455
This is actually not my usual style. I mostly write longer stories (which I'll get around to finishing and posting... one day) or clopshots on my alt account. If another contest comes up that inspires me I might do something like this again, though.
This was extremely fascinating and well written. I love what had sparked the conflict and how it was resolved.
*places story in appropriate bookshelves.*
Very well done indeed.
8189583 I like you. Both the way you wrote this story and the way you responded to my comment. I'll be watching you for your future stories.
8189583
You do know it means 'let's go', right?
This might be my favorite from the contest so far
8189666
8191335
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
8191308
Yeah, sorry, I meant to say that it was a made-up phrase in the context of fencing, where that phrase is never uttered. I took the actually-used phrase "Allez!" and changed it to "Allons!" to make the conjugations work out, then added the "-y" since it scanned better and mapped to an actual French phrase.
Very nice. I'm not a Rarity/Twilight shipper, but I will happily accept any well done ship, and this is very well done indeed. Both characters came off sounding perfect, the reason for the duel was great. I approached it with trepidation, after all, two of the Mane6 involved in a duel with swords? That's sounds ridiculous, but nope, you did a wonderful job.
ΩΩΩΩΩΩ out of 6
This... was unique. Now, I'm all for action scenes (Hell, Sky is pure action almost all the way through), but for most of the story, we have action with no apparent purpose. We're told nothing of why they're fighting. And at a certain point, the fighting becomes irrelevant. While the combat scenes are described wonderfully, without having a purpose, they end up having little impact. While it did give us the information at the end, that information needed to be spread throughout the story and not bottled up at the end.
I love the concept of this piece. I love note it ends up. I love the truth behind the "fight." The relationship was honest and true, and the descriptions were brilliant.
There may have been too much focus on the actual combat (namely types of strikes and some terminology) and not enough on the relationship. I think my real problem is that we aren't even given a hint as to what's going on until the last moment. (And what's going on is freaking EPIC and I LOVE IT and I FREAKING WANT MORE). We should be able to guess, have some idea. That's part of the fun of the mystery, guessing and finding out if you're right or not. But there's not enough information here to say one way or another. Maybe a slip of the tongue? Maybe a bit about Twi using a technique that Rarity had taught her? Maybe even a different setting, like outside at dawn or dusk, in a pristine courtyard outside where they're going to get married. A tease must be given.
Now that I think of it though, despite all the critiquing... what I actually want? What I actually want is more of your Rarity and Twilight as themselves. I want to see how things led up to this moment. I imagine this as an awesome AU and I just want to see MORE of it! It sounds so freaking fun.
So um... can you write more of it? Please? Pretty please?
8320902
Thanks for the feedback, Really appreciate it.
And yeah, I told myself multiple times that I needed to make sure I telegraphed the ending properly, but I forgot to check at the end if I actually did that, and looking at it, it's definitely a major oversight. It's also revealed to me that my current project has similar issues that I need to rectify.
And as for the fighting, it's a problem I (and like many others) have when it comes to writing about things we're very familiar with - that desire to be as technical and detailed as possible, to the point of losing sight of the actual purpose of the scene. I'd already heard the advice not to focus on the details of the fighting but rather the character interactions and thought processes, but when the time came to write the story, I got too excited and got distracted with being "authentic," which could have been done even with less focus on the technical details.
All in all, this contest was a great learning experience, and I'm really thankful for your feedback and for you and Mono and the rest of the team for giving me this opportunity to improve my craft.
8320902
What he said. There's a longer story here; TELL IT.
You know you want to. Search your feelings, you know it to be true! Luke, I am
Ah, whoops. Got carried away there.
But seriously!
It's everything The Immortal Game should have been. :V
It would be very interesting to see the M rated version of this!! IF Twilight loses. I guess I’ll have to leave it to my imagination then.
Despite the best efforts of many, I still don't ship it, but this was some exquisite fight choreography. Thank you for it.
Oh my.
Wow, that sounded pretentious.
I'm seeing a few comments saying that there was too much focus on the action without any explanation, but I live for the stories where you just wonder what's caused such a scene, such a framed moment in time to be born.
But yes, I loved this entire little story. I don't usually read such ships between our beloved unicorns, but my, something with this calibre of wordsmith might just inspire me to look a little further.
Mithril, huh. Is it Tolkien's metal, or a generic fantasy super-metal bearing the same name, as in certain game franchises? If the former, I have other questions, like "does anybody use mithril for weapons?" and "who mines it, where, and how likely are they to end up being killed by ancient evil monsters from the dawn of history?"
I know there's people who didn't like the action too much. BUT I LOVED IT. I LOVED EVERY SINGLE WORD OF IT. I COULD ALMOST SEE THE BLADES CLASHING! I COULD NOT REMAIN SEATED WITH THE ACTION
where has this story been all this years!? I'm so happy to have found it