You Haven't Lived Until You've Tried Her Hot Picante Sauce and Pecan Pie Cupcakes!
Mandatory Brunch
“Good morning,” a mare’s monotone voice said.
Starlight Glimmer exhaled as consciousness slowly began to return to her. She stretched, yawned and rolled over slightly under a brown comforter, her eyes slowly opening. “Good morning, Maud…” Starlight greeted the gray earth pony mare in bed next to her. Her eyes flew open and she shot up in bed. “Maud?! What the heck are you doing in my bed?!”
“Actually, this is my bed,” Maud deadpanned.
Starlight looked around. Rather than surrounded by the normal crystalline structure she was used to, she, in fact, in a beautiful geode of running water, grass, and colorful, semi-translucent stones covering the walls. “Oh…” she uttered. “Then what are you doing in YOUR bed?!” Starlight shouted.
Maud stared blankly at Starlight.
“I mean… What am I doing in YOUR bed?”
“Goood moooorniiiiiing~!” a high pitch voice called out.
Starlight let out a heavy sigh. “Pinkie Pie…” she uttered as she turned to face the grinning face of Pinkie.
“Who’s ready for the most scrump-diddly-umptious brunch of their lives?!” Pinkie exclaimed in a bubbly tone. “Hint: it rhymes with ‘Hawk’s eye’ and ‘jadeite!’” Pinkie leaned in closer to Maud. “I spent like 10 minutes looking up rock and gem names!” she whispered loudly.
Maud nodded. “I appreciate that.”
“Pinkie!” Starlight growled. “I thought I already passed on your brunch! Also… Why am I in bed with Maud!?”
“Silly-billy! You passed on yesterday’s brunch! But it’s a new dawn, it’s a day, and a new super-secret-brunchathon for you!” Pinkie leaned in close and used a forehoof to shield her voice as if somepony else might be listening in on the conversation. “The secret is that I just had the idea like ten minutes ago, hence the looking up rock names!”
Starlight groaned. “Okay, well why am I in bed with Maud, then?! Do you know how jealous this would make Trixie?”
Maud raised an eyebrow ever so slightly.
Pinkie gasped. “I didn’t know you and Trixie are dating!”
“We’re not,” Starlight said, “But Trixie… Trixie is a very clingy Pony.” Starlight shook her head. “Honestly, if she thought I was just sleeping around with random ponies I just befriended, no offense Maud—”
“None taken.”
“—she’d wonder why she wasn’t top of the list!”
Pinkie put on a ponderous expression for a moment.
Starlight furrowed her brow. “Do I even want to know what you’re thinking?”
Pinkie pursed her lips and scowled at Starlight. “How the heck would I know that?! I’m not a mind reader, you know!”
Starlight’s head twitched. “Fine,” she growled out. “What are you thinking?”
“Should I go find Trixie and bring her here? I mean… I don’t have a rock name for her…”
“Flinty,” Maud suggested. “Or ‘sand dune’ if you use her last name.”
“Oh! Those could work!” Pinkie exclaimed as she pointed a forehoof at Maud.
Starlight turned towards Maud. “Wait… You know Trixie?”
Maud nodded. “We used to work together.”
“Huh… Small world,” Starlight quipped.
Pinkie giggled. “She’s probably still sleeping, too… So, it shouldn’t be too hard to bring her here.”
“Pinkie!” snapped Starlight. “You can’t just kidnap ponies!”
Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Starlight. “Is that so, Ms. Equalizer?”
Starlight’s right eye twitched. “Alright, you got me on that one, but now we’re even!”
Pinkie brought her a forehoof up to her mouth. “Cough-mind-control-cough!”
Starlight turned nervously and glanced at Maud as she raised another eyebrow. She turned back towards Pinkie. “Okay! So, I still owe you one! That doesn’t explain why you dragged me here!”
“I brought you here so we can speed things along for brunch! I mean, d’uuuuuh!”
Starlight groaned and began to massage the sides of her head with her forehooves.
Pinkie continued, “And since you still owe me one…”
“No!” Starlight cried, throwing her forelegs up into the air.
Pinkie’s ears drooped. “No?”
“Pinkie, I’m not being forced into some weirdo ingredient cupcake breakfast—”
“Brunch,” Maud corrected.
“—Brunch just because you quite literally hauled me out of bed!”
Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver. “But… but… I have the jalapenos, cream cheese, and chocolate all ready to go!”
“That sounds disgusting!”
Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “You mean like a dozen bland muffins someone cooked up without their cutie mark, disgusting?”
Starlight threw her forehooves up into the air. “Okay! I get it! I was a terrible pony who did terrible crimes.”
Pinkie scowled at Starlight. “Not just any crimes! Food crimes, Starlight.” Pinkie leaned in closer to Starlight. “Food crimes…” she whispered darkly.
Maud spoke up. “I enjoyed the muffins of Starlight’s village.”
“Hah!” Starlight exclaimed as she pointed at Maud.
“Not helping!” Pinkie hissed at her sister. “Besides, the important thing is that I was wronged personally!”
“And I said I was ‘sorry’!” Starlight said. “Like… A million times! I’m still sorry in fa-ack!”
Starlight was cut off as a pair of pink forelegs were suddenly wrapped around her neck. “You’re forgiven!” Pinkie grinned widely at Starlight. “So how about we celebrate with a nice brunch? Just the three of us?”
With a glow of her horn, Starlight removed herself from Pinkie’s grasp. “No, means ‘no’, Pinkie!” she shouted.
Pinkie let out a sad whimper.
With an electric blue glow of her horn, Starlight threw off the covers on top of her and jumped out of bed. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go out in search of some edible breakfast.”
Pinkie’s eyes flew open and the muffled sound of a window breaking could be heard behind them. Maud glanced at Pinkie, then too got out of bed and began to wordlessly follow Starlight.
Pinkie watched the two mares quietly for a moment as her eyelids slowly drifted downwards into a determined stare directed at one Starlight Glimmer.
“Oh.”
“It.”
“Is.”
“ON!”
-ooo-
Starlight and Maud trotted quickly back to town, traveling in silence in for the most part except for Starlight’s grumbling. Grumbling against Pinkie that was slowly turning towards grumbling against herself.
Maud tilted her head towards Starlight slightly and lightly nudged her with a foreleg.
Starlight turned and looked into Maud’s tourmaline eyes then sighed. “Sorry Maud, guess I’m not feeling very talkative to the moment.” Starlight smirked. “Guess that’s not much of an issue for you, though.”
“You seem troubled.”
“Ugggghh… A little… Did Pinkie do weird stuff like that when you two were fillies?”
Maud turned and stared forward as the pair past the first few homes of Ponyville. “All the time. Especially on birthdays and holidays."
Starlight frowned. “So… I should just put up with Pinkie breaking into my room and whisking me away when it suits her whim?”
"Set your boundaries on shifting sands.”
"...What?"
"It's an expression. Expect them to change every day."
Starlight glanced upwards for a moment. “Cryptic, but I think I get it.”
Maud turned back towards Starlight. “You seem upset."
Starlight grumbled to herself. “Well… I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”
“I’m a good listener.”
Starlight inhaled then exhaled. “Alright… Pinkie did have something of a point regarding me not having much of a hoof to stand on back there.”
“You weren’t standing,” Maud replied. “You were lying down in bed.”
Starlight let out a short laugh. “You know what I meant.”
“Yes.”
Starlight smiled at Maud, then turned to look forward frowning a bit as the mares approached a cafe. “I don’t know… Do you think I was too hard on Pinkie?”
“About kidnapping you? No. About her food not being edible? Yes.”
Starlight frowned deeply. “But it sounds so… so… so icky!” she said, sticking out her tongue in a disgusted manner.
“My sister’s tastes are unique. Still, you shouldn’t have attacked her cooking without having tried it.”
“So… What?!” Starlight snapped. “I should just smile and shoveled whatever she puts in front of me into my mouth?”
“That’s not the issue. Your words and actions will have consequences.”
Starlight guffawed. “Like what? I’m going to wake up to the top of a giant strawberry-mushroom-and-egg cupcake in bed next to me as it oozes gross filling over everything?”
“Possibly. More likely, sooner than that. You should prepare yourself.”
Starlight chuckled as she and Maud reached the cafe. “Guess I’ll be on my hooves for any surprise party noise makers or unexpected baked goods with strange combinations.” Starlight passed under a sign that read ‘Mr. Bean's Magic Café’. A bell rang above the café door as Starlight pushed it open with her magic, she and Maud trotting inside.
“HiiiiiiiEEEEEEE!”
Starlight’s ears, eyelids, and brow dropped as Pinkie greeted the pair wearing a white apron with pink trim. She turned towards Maud. “Oh, just don’t say anything!”
Maud remained as silent as a rock.
Pinkie trotted up to the girls and motioned to nearby table. “Welcome! Welcome!” Pinkie grinned at the pair. “Come on! Sit down! I just put on a pot of coffee and there’s some super-yummy specials today!”
Starlight smelled the air. It did smell slightly of coffee, but there was some other, unexpected smell in the air mingling with it. “Pinkie!” Starlight growled.
“Starlight!” Pinkie replied in a similar tone, but punctuated with a giggle.
“What are you doing here?!”
“Treating you to brunch, of course!” Pinkie shook her head. “Geez, somepony sure is slow this morning.”
“It was pretty obvious,” Maud added.
Starlight tossed a scowl at Maud, then turned to fire off a death glare at Pinkie.
“You know what will pick you right up?” Pinkie said. “A nice hot cup of bell-pepper coffee with extra apricot syrup!”
“Ugggghhhhh…. NO!” Starlight shouted. “And ‘no’ to any of your terrible cupcake ideas either!”
Pinkie put on a sour expression. “But you haven’t even tried any!”
“I don’t need to try any to know that they’re…” Starlight looked around the café. It was clean and well-furnished with polished wooden furniture that shined in the morning sun, but there was one thing oddly missing.
“Pinkie?” Starlight said.
“Yes ‘um?”
“Where are the other customers?! Or like… The ponies that actually work here?!”
“Oh, I knocked out the other customers and employees and locked them in my fungeon!”
Starlight’s jaw dropped as her left eye began to twitch. “Your… your ‘fungeon’?”
“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said. “Fun-dungeon! It’s a play on words!”
“I can’t believe you were getting on my case about holding you against your will!”
“Excuse you, Ms. Sourpuss, but at least my fungeon is slightly less brain-washy and a lot more fun than that cramped room you stuffed me and our friends into!”
-ooo-
“Hah!” a red coated unicorn stallion with thick brown eyebrows and a mane slicked forward exclaimed as he sat in a fenced off area almost completely covered with happy, yapping puppies that licked at his face, played with each other, and crawled all over him. “This is the greatest day of my life!”
Across the rather well-lit stone room with its barred windows, a green coated unicorn mare popped a pink frosted cupcake into her mouth as several small kittens vied for her attention down at her hooves. “Wow, the food here is incredible!” She turned and floated over cupcake to the other unicorn. “Dandy, you have to try one of these peanut butter, jelly, and green mushroom cupcakes. They’re deceptively tasty.”
A blue coated pegasus stallion with a blond mane spiked straight up flapped in place as he examined one of the barred windows. “Uh, guys? Maybe we should be looking for a way out?”
Dandy took the cupcake in a yellow glow and took a few bites before waving a dismissive hoof at the pegasus. “Relax, Captain Killjoy. Sure, there doesn’t appear to be any exit, but this is by far the best place we’ve ever been trapped.”
The unicorn mare turned towards the Pegasus. “Dandy has a point, Bliss. I mean… Ignoring the dozens of posters on the wall asking us to ‘Smile!’ and the fact we can’t leave, this place seems perfectly safe. And it’s full of such cute cuddly animals!” She floated up one of the kittens up to her and brought it close to her face with a foreleg as the tabby cat licked the side of her face. “Hello!”
The pegasus known as ‘Bliss’ let out a sigh. “Well… Is there at least some honey to go with the food, Breath?”
Breath looked up from the table covered in bottles and confectionary. “There’s like a dozen honeys. Lavender, pepper—” Breath squinted “—mayonnaise.”
“Mayonnaise, honey?” Bliss asked in disbelief.
“HaHA! This place is off the chain!” Dandy declared.
A large orange earth pony stallion devoid of mane trotted up to the other three ponies. “Guys. I know this place is like… mind numbingly fun, but stay out of the ball pit.”
“What’s up, Wallow?” Dandy asked.
“Ah hah!” Bliss exclaimed. “I knew it! Is it filled with scorpions? Radiation?! Rad Scorpions?!”
“No,” Wallow replied, “Bugcat kinda made a mess in there.”
“I MADE A DOODY!”
-ooo-
"Come on, girls!” Pinkie continued with a huge smile. “I’m making orange jello paprika hash browns! They're, uh..."
"An affront to my palate?" Starlight offered.
"Inedible?" Maud suggested.
"Better than whatever this café was going to give you by a million gajillion percent!" Pinkie declared. She glared at Maud. “Also what the heck, Maudie?”
“Sorry,” Maud deadpanned. “I got swept up in the moment.”
“You’re forgiven!” Pinkie exclaimed as she wrapped her forelegs around Maud.
Starlight sniffed the air as a small cloud of black smoke wafted in. “Pinkie… Something’s burning, it smells suspiciously mundane.”
“Whoopsie!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I guess I forgot to turn off whatever was already cooking when I relocated everypony.”
“Kidnapped and imprisoned everypony!” Starlight stressed.
“Tomato, tomatillo! Oh! I just thought of another cupcake recipe!” Pinkie replied as she walked over to a black plastic door which smoke was starting to pour out of. “I’m sure it’s fine.” Pinkie pushed open the door and was greeted by a roaring fire that licked at her face and mane. She calmly closed the door, her face slightly blackened and her jerry-curl on fire. “Update, it is not fine.”
Starlight grumbled to herself, trotted over towards the kitchen door, opened it with a glow of her horn, and let loose an icy blast. The flames ceased.
“See, all better!” Pinkie said. “Way to go Starlight! Now… I know the kitchen is slightly charred, but maybe the stove still works and I can create a rudimentary lathe—”
“I’m leaving!” Starlight declared as she turned and began walking for the door.
“Oh, good idea!” Pinkie said. “We can just go back to Maud’s where everything is not on fire!”
“Not happening!” Starlight declared as she telekinetically opened the café door and stepped out, a bell sounding her departure.
Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver. “But… but… I got all the ingredients for maple-mustard cabbage baked cupcakes!” she whined.
“Ew!” Starlight shouted back.
Pinkie let out a small whimper as Maud looked at her then turned back towards the door. Wordlessly, Maud followed Starlight outside.
Starlight stopped and waited for Maud to catch up. “The nerve of that girl!” she groaned as she continued walking. She let out a long exhale through her nose. “I guess we better figure out where those ponies are and rescue them.”
“They don’t require rescue,” Maud informed. “I’ve freed dozens from Pinkie’s fungeons over the years. They’re never in a hurry to leave.”
“Well, fine then…” Starlight said as her stomach growled. “Guess we can find another café or a restaurant.”
“I predict we will have similar problems there,” Maud replied.
“What?” Starlight exclaimed. “It’s not like Pinkie can kidnap and imprison all of Ponyville!”
Maud said nothing.
“… I mean… she can’t, right?”
-ooo-
“Wheeee! Bon-Bon!” Lyra Heartstrings exclaimed as she exited a twisting, tubular bright green slide, her mane standing nearly straight up. “You have to try this slide! It’s amazing”
“In a minute, Lyra!” Bon-Bon shouted back over the sound background noise of ponies chatting and cheering. She turned back towards the window that she was examining. “So, you already checked the windows?”
“All of them,” Bliss answered.
“Hidden doors?”
“There’s tons,” Bliss replied. “They all go to some sort of ‘Haunted House’ thing.”
“AND IT’S FULL OF CANDY!” Wallow exclaimed as he hobbled out of a stone door built to match the wall it was in with an armful of candy bars.
Bon-Bon let out a tired sigh. “And nopony else is helping?”
Bliss shook his head. “Sorry, Agent Sweetie Drops, everypony is having too much fun to want to even attempt to leave.”
“Hey, Bliss!” Dandy shouted out over the noise. “We found a taco bar! BOTH HARD AND SOFT SHELLS!”
Bliss shifted nervously in place. “I…um… I got to go…” He said before he flew off in the direction of Dandy’s voice.
Bon-Bon let out an annoyed groan as Lyra walked up to her, her hair still standing upright. Lyra tapped a hoof against Bon-Bon letting out a small electrical discharge. “Ow!” Bon-Bon exclaimed. “Lyraaaaa~!”
“Just trying to get your attention, little miss ray of sunshine. That was sarcasm by the way.”
Bon-Bon rolled her eyes. “Yes, I got that.”
“Well, did you get your frozen yogurt?! There’s like 50 flavors done here!”
“No! I don’t have time for…” Bon-Bon paused for a moment. “Seriously? 50?”
-ooo-
“Maybe not all of Ponyville,” Maud said. “But a sizeable portion.”
“Okay,” Starlight said, “but I’m a pretty good cook!” Starlight said. “Even if the restaurants are empty, I could always just borrow some ingredients.”
“We’ll likely run into the other problem we had at the café.”
Starlight let out a laugh. “Pinkie accidently set the kitchen on fire! She wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.”
“No, she wouldn’t,” Maud said as she tapped Starlight on the shoulder and pointed towards a restaurant that was completely engulfed in flames. Pinkie standing innocently in front of it with a rectangular metal red canister.
“Oh, come on!” Starlight cried.
"Whoops! My clumsiness burned down that restaurant you girls were about to eat at!” Pinkie said as she tossed away her metal canister. “Whew, what a lucky break it was you two weren't eating there at all!” Pinkie tapped at her chin thoughtfully, “Now, if only there was a brunch you could go to instead…"
Starlight closed her eyes and covered her head with her forehooves briefly, before she looked up at Pinkie with rage filled, bloodshot eyes. “Pinkie! I am indescribably mad with you right now!”
Pinkie shrugged. “Eh… I’ve seen worse.”
“YOU CAN’T JUST SET FIRE TO PONIES’ PROPERTY!” Starlight said as she motioned towards the flaming restaurant. “I still don’t know how the enforcement of laws and punishment works in this town, but that’s still a crime and somepony is going to have to do something about it!” Starlight pointed towards Maud. “Do you want your sister to have to visit you in prison?”
“Pffft, Prison?!” Pinkie exclaimed with a dismissive laugh and wave of her forehoof. “You make it sound like I’ve never done this before.”
Anger and all emotion suddenly drained from Starlight’s face, replaced by bewilderment. “What… You’ve… You’ve burned down other people’s buildings before?”
“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Why do you think I made an ‘I’m sorry’ stamp for all my cakes, silly?!” Pinkie shook her head. “No one ever presses charges because they had too much fun in my Fungeon! I just pay for the damages, give them a few ‘I’m sorry’ cakes, and everything is honkey-dory!” she said with a massive grin.
“… Seriously?” Starlight asked.
Pinkie giggled. “As serious as I can be!”
“Okay but… How do you pay for everything?! How can you possibly afford to replace buildings you’ve burned to the ground?!”
Pinkie grinned widely. “You ever lose a bit to a couch cushion and wonder where it went?”
“Well, kind of,” Starlight answered, “but…” Her eyes shot open wide in disbelief. “Noooo…”
Pinkie grinned from ear to ear. “Yes!”
Starlight turned towards Maud for confirmation.
Maud nodded. “It’s true. She’s even recovered some of the rarest rocks in my collection through this method.” Maud offered up the barest of hints of a smile and produced Boulder. “That’s how I got Boulder. Pinkie got him to me when I needed him the most.”
“Oh really? Do tell,” Starlight said.
“It was a dark and stormy night,” Maud began.
“... Yes. And?” Starlight said.
“It was stormy, so the papers I was cataloguing rocks on kept blowing away. Boulder helped me weigh them down.”
Starlight paused for a moment. “... Okay, yeah!” she said in an earnest tone. “I can see how he’s your lifelong companion.”
Pinkie let out a girlish squeal. “You two are getting along so well!” She put on a thoughtful expression. “Too bad there isn’t a way to commemorate this moment… like say… a commemorative friendship brunch with say… chocolate chip, raspberry and squash cupcakes...”
Starlight inhaled a huge breath then let it out. “Okay… Pinkie… I see that I’m not going to win this one with your strange, unexplainable powers and bizarre level of preparedness.”
“Called it,” Maud said.
“Quiet, you!” Starlight snapped. “But maybe we can compromise?”
Pinkie tilted her head as her already huge smile somehow grew further. “I’m listening…”
"Maybe I could just make brunch for us at home," Starlight offered.
Pinkie looked toward the castle, a nervous tic in her eye.
>-~Earlier~-<
"I'm sorry, kitchen. I know I helped make you, but now I must unmake you,” Pinkie exclaimed as she emptied a translucent liquid from her red canister all over all over a crystalline kitchen counter. “Drastic times call for drastic measures, crystal kitchen!” Pinkie tossed the canister off into the kitchen causing a cacophonous sound of breaking glass and banging metal. She produced a gold lighter from her curly mane, lit a flame, and lowered the lighter to the liquid were a fire ball ‘wooshed’ to life. “Your sacrifice today will never be forgotten!” Pinkie declared. She closed the lighter and put it back in her mane then pulled out a set of bagpipes where she proceeded to play ‘Amazing Grace’.
<-~ooo~->
“You preemptively set fire to Twilight’s kitchen?!” Starlight said. “Pinkie, she’s going to be furious!”
Pinkie smiled wide. “You’d be surprised.”
>-~ Slightly later than earlier~-<
Twilight Sparkle stood in the doorway of her kitchen, mouth hanging agape as a fire raged inside, consuming kitchenware, appliances, and crystalline tables alike.
Spike groggily walked over towards Twilight, rubbed a closed claw against his right eye, and sighed heavily. “Someone didn’t want to try Pinkie’s cooking again, huh?”
“Just… just…” Twilight motioned towards the kitchen. “How does she manage to get crystal to burn, Spike?!”
Spike shrugged. “It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries, alright.”
Slowly, a grin began to spread across Twilight’s face. “A mystery I get to solve!” She quickly did a 180 and galloped off. “I’m going to get my lab equipment!”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Whatever…” he said with a dismissive wave of his claw. “I’m going back to bed. Try to put this Pinkie fire out before the castle gets sweltering again, alright?”
<-~ooo~->
Starlight smacked a forehoof against her face.
Pinkie giggled. “When engaged in a battle of the wits like badminton, it always helps to be several steps ahead of your opponent.”
“You’re thinking of chess,” Maud said.
“I might be thinking of Chess,” Pinkie said as she rubbed her chin.
Starlight shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re causing all of this damage and destruction and no pony is even going to punish you for it!”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip and gave Starlight the grandmother of all scowls.
“Dang it!” Starlight cried throwing her forelegs up in the air. “Why does my life have to be so ironic!”
Pinkie grinned widely. “It’s okay, Starlight. And I know you’re a little shy to try my brunch experiments, but looky-looky!” Pinkie produced a white flat plate containing several green cupcakes with flakey green frosting. “I made some green tea powdered eggs and hash brown cupcakes for you to try!”
Starlight let out a defeated groan. “Yeah, fine… I’ll have one.”
Pinkie giggled. “Would you like them here or th… Wait, what?” she cried in surprise.
“Hoof them over!” Starlight said. “It sounds terrible, but if eating some of your nomstrosities will get you to stop committing arson, I guess it’s a small price to pay.” Starlight shivered slightly. “I mean… Kites are very flammable.”
Pinkie put on a pout. “But I had this whole thing ready!” she whined. “With rhyming and everything! I mean… I had to borrow a boat, someone’s goat… I was going to get Rainbow Dash to make it rain. I hijacked a train…”
“Oh my gosh, Pinkie!” Starlight exclaimed. “Stop committing crimes and hand over your horrible food!”
Pinkie passed the plate and glared at Starlight. “See, it’s that attitude that got you into this mess in the first place.”
“She’s right, you know,” Maud chimed in.
“Both of you shut up!” Starlight exclaimed as she floated a green cupcake up to her face and removed the paper rapper. “I’m going to eat it, alright?!” she said as she opened her mouth and floated a modest portion of the cupcake under her open maw. She bit down, chewed, and inhaled sharply as she swallowed.
Pinkie grinned widely and leaned closer to Starlight. “Welllll~?”
"... I detest the fact that I liked that,” Starlight uttered.
“YES!” Pinkie said pumping her hoof into the air.
Starlight shook her head. “That was the weirdest, strangest thing I’ve ever put into me and somehow I enjoyed every second of it and I kind of hate myself for it.”
Maud nodded. “I felt the exact same way the first time I tried anal.”
Starlight began to cough and sputter.
“Whoops! Hehe,” Pinkie said. “Sounds like that went down the wrong hole!”
“… Too easy,” Maud commented.
Starlight coughed again and thumped her chest. “What the heck, you two?! Can’t a girl eat her green tea flavored eggs and hash brown cupcakes without things getting weird?”
Pinkie snickered and Maud simply stared at Starlight.
“Right, forget I said that,” Starlight said as she took a few more bites, Pinkie grin widening with every morsel of cupcake Starlight brought into her mouth. Starlight sighed. “Okay… So, I guess jalapeno red velvet omelette cupcakes are next?”
“EeeeHEEEE!” Pinkie exclaimed as she pulled out a red cupcake dotted with green rings and topped with white frosting out of her hair and handed it to Starlight.
Starlight stared at Pinkie’s hair in disbelief. “How did you stick a cupcake in there without getting frosting all over your hair?” Starlight lightly tapped the cupcake. “And how is it still oven-fresh warm?!”
“You ask good questions, Starlight!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
“She really does,” Maud chimed in.
“Ugh, whatever…” Starlight said as she took a bite out of the cupcake, cringing as she chewed and swallowed. “That was completely bizarre and sort of painful and somehow I found myself enjoying it.”
Maud nodded. “I felt the exact same way the first time I tried BDS—”
“Maud!” Starlight snapped. “Not another word!”
“—M,” Maud finished.
Starlight let out a growl.
“Technically a letter, not a word!” Pinkie pointed out.
Starlight sighed heavily. “Just… and again, I hate myself for saying this, but I want more, but… Can it not be out of your magic mystery curls?”
Pinkie got behind Maud and Starlight and wrapped her forelegs around the pair. “Of course! Let’s go back to Maud’s place!”
Starlight nodded. “Okay… But before we do… Shouldn’t you release all the ponies you trapped before, oh I don’t know… A princess tries to stop you?”
Pinkie smiled knowingly as she pronked her way off to Maud’s grotto. “Way ahead of you!”
-ooo-
“Oh, noooo!” Princess Celestia wailed unconvincingly as she took a cake cutter in a canary yellow glow and sliced off a heaping portion of a neon green cake with a red outline of a sad pony stamped on the top. “I seem to have been trapped in a fungeon again! I’m going to miss alllll my boring meetings for the day!” she moaned with a smile and an eyeroll. She served herself up a slice of cake and floated over a fork. “Oh whatever shall I do?!”
The End.
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Okay, story checklist time.
Justice3442...check.
Pinkie...check.
Comedy tag...check.
Random tag...check.
Slice of Life...check.
Sex tag...check.
...yup, I knew exactly what I was getting into. WTFs all around. I definitely enjoyed this.
Some mistakes near the beginning, also Maud's sex jokes changed the tone so quickly I got whiplash, but damn if this wasn't the most entertainingly hilarious thing I've read in a while! And so quickly after the new episode, too! Excellent work! XD
Im only commenting on that cover: holy DANG Pinkie what happened to you? top stupid face of 2017 lol
She can learn to share.
Ah.
Of course she would.
Flinty is a bit of a stretch.
Uh, how?
Indeed.
She has you there.
... I'd say you need therapy, but no therapist in their right mind would take you on.
I see.
If Pinkie ropes Discord into this, most likely.
I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am. I would not like them here or there, I would not like them ANYWHERE.
You, what?
I gathered, yes.
You make a valid point.
Delightful.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Pinkie, I'm sure they're edible, but you have to understand how utterly disgusting that sounds.
You clearly have no clue of how truly powerful she is.
Goddammit Pinkie.
Oh my Celestia.
Oh my Celestia and Luna.
Well, for someone who cares as much about rocks as Maud does, that, makes a certain amount of sense.
... What the fuck?!
Because your pain is funny!
Nice try, Pie, but I already made that joke.
All for the sake of a Dr Seuss joke?
You have moments like that.
Agreed.
You realize what you just asked, right?
Technically, that was a letter.
You could at least pretend to be sad.
8132611
Got that error. Thanks and thanks for reading!
8132829
Sometimes I wonder how I make one remark about the episode, then a day later you write something like this.
Six or seven or so instances of this situation later, I've learned to stop wondering and accept that's just a thing you do.
*SPITTAKE*
....
I give up. _-_
Twilight, diamond and some quartz are carbon-based and can burn like anything else made of carbon.
8133048
Agreed
man.. ur just pumping these out lately O.o
I love you Starlight but...yeah.
I can see all of this happening far, far too clearly. But especially that last paragraph. Well done!
Question: If it's a fungeon then does it contain bags of Funyons? I need to know for.... reasons.
I can't believe it took me until almost the end to realize that I was reading fucking Green Eggs and Ham.
8134284
Would you read it in a box?
Could you read it with a fox?
In the rain?
Or on the train?
You see my friend
It's not in vain!
You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
In a tree?
And somehow, the only question I have is: Why does Spike care if the castle is sweltering? He's a dragon.
A wonderfully entertaining story. Though Pinkie Pie is beginning to scare me.
You know if she really wanted to win, Starlight should have just locked herself in the fungeon. Then Pinkie couldn't burn it down, because that's where the arson and kidnap victims are being stored and if she can't pacify them, then she's definitely going to end up in another sort of prison.
Let me get this straight! Limestone's a sadist, Marble's a masochist, Maud's into rocks and Eroticism, and Pinkie's a perv?
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I regret to inform you that you have been given an extremely deadly poison that is said to be exceptionally slow and painful. The antidote has been mixed into one of the dishes that Pinkie Pie is serving at brunch, which starts at 11AM sharp. For every 5 minutes you are late, she will consume one dish at random. So you have to ask yourself now, do you feel hungry, or lucky?
Signed,
Pin Jig An anonymous third party
Any way we can get Maud trying anal and BDSM?
Maude's sex jokes made a surprising amount of sense, and the first one caught me off guard. Had I been drinking water that may have been a spit take. Much like her comments about the right rocks letting you rule Equestria, you can never be quite sure that she's serious. With the rocks one, she probably was, though, so...
Random suggestion:
It would sound more Maude-like imho if you removed the second sentence. Maude sometimes has trouble telling when people don't follow her logic.
I like the idea that Trixie would object to being left out, regardless of whether her sexual orientation matched the scenario.
*Maude voice* "Inclusions of phosphorous." *Pause for stares.* "It's a type of rock that burns."
Sooooo....How do I get stuck on Pinkie's Fungeon? Not that I would want to
...but it would be nice to know exactly, in detail, what I would need to do.
"You Haven't Lived Until You've Tried Her Hot Picante Sauce and Pecan Pie Cupcakes!"
Only because that which has died can be said to have lived.
“Pinkie!” snapped Starlight. “You can’t just kidnap ponies!”
More like promising, "I can make all of your life's problems go away if you just ditch that piece of your soul shining on your butt."
Maud spoke up. “I enjoyed the muffins of Starlight’s village.”
Why am I surprised? Why?
fungeon
Maybe it's made of fudge?
“Excuse you, Ms. Sourpuss, but at least my fungeon is slightly less brain-washy and a lot more fun than that cramped room you stuffed me and our friends into!”
It's just a DIFFERENT kind of brainwashing.
“Bugcat kinda made a mess in there.”
Bugcat?
Pinkie Pie is more season 1 bonkers than usual.
This reminds of the time Twilight locked ponies in her lecture hall.
The animators made a boo boo, Fluttershy in one scene looks like she's shoved on, rather than walks on.
Forget muffins, after this, Pinkie Pie DESERVES to have a full course equalized meal!
“I seem to have been trapped in a fungeon again! I’m going to miss alllll my boring meetings for the day!” she moaned with a smile and an eyeroll. She served herself up a slice of cake and floated over a fork. “Oh whatever shall I do?!”
And this is the result of that:
Princess Blueblood, "And as the new ruler of Equestria..."
Seems like pinkie owes starlight a few now
8145523 Bravest Warriors is a Canadian-American animated web series created by Pendleton Ward, the creator of Adventure Time, and directed by Breehn Burns. The series is produced by Frederator Studios for their Cartoon Hangover YouTube channel. Fred Seibert, Burns, and Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi are the show's executive producers.
Set in the year 3085, the series follows four teenage heroes-for-hire as they warp through the universe to save adorable aliens and their worlds using the power of their emotions.
8183879
"Set in the year 3085, the series follows four teenage heroes-for-hire as they warp through the universe to save adorable aliens and their worlds using the power of their emotions."
I almost said "that sounds like a terribly shitty concept for a show", but then I remembered that I'm on an MLP site.
8133082
Diamonds do indeed burn quite nicely, but there's no such thing as a carbon based quartz. Quartz is by definition principally made of silicon dioxide, and silicon dioxide has already been burned to hell and gone. I mean, it'll burn in the presence of fluorine, but so will everything other than helium and neon so I don't think that counts.
Wow ... so Pinkie's kinda super insane about forcing people to do what she wants them too. At least where friends of her family are involved. I kinda knew it, but thankfully the fungeon puts off any legal trouble. At least outside Manehatten.
8238773
There are some composite quartz that naturally occur that contain carbon, or have carbon in them. Not lots, but yeah. Normal quartz is one part silicon, and two parts oxygen and silicon dioxide.
8384032
Well, yeah. But I wouldn't call it carbon-based, and if it were in sufficient quantities to sustain anything you could call burning there would be enough to make it a different mineral with a different crystalline structure.
8384050
True. I mean quartz can melt, and if fire hit the bubbles / inclusions, then maybe. But yep. True quartz doesn't burn, and if it did, it'd be a different crystalline structure.
Okay the problem with that exchange is that Starlight never kidnapped anypony.
No, no. No you should not. She needs to learn to not break into anypony’s room period.
8446361
She captured the mane six and held them in a brainwash room for a couple days. Even if we call that "imprisoning many ponies against their will", the point is Starlight doesn't have much of a hoof to stand on morally.
8448539
The point is that Pinkie can’t hold kidnapping against Starlight because Starlight didn’t kidnap anyone. The fact is that Mane 6 willingly went to Starlight’s village and locking them in a room is the closest she came to kidnapping. Honestly most of what Starlight did was likely only morally wrong whereas everything Pinkie did here is legally wrong. So really Starlight has more of a leg to stand on then Pinkie in that regard.
8448564
She ripped off their cutie marks then imprisoned them inside a room for two days. They only got out when they made an attempt expose Starlight as a fraud. WHERE this happened shouldn't matter. Even disregarding the fact that this story is marked as [random][comedy] and not really meant to be taken that seriously, I find it troubling that anyone would consider Starlight having an iota of justification, legally or morally, for anything she did outside her own misguided attempts at bettering society.
Edit: I mean, if your problem is with Pinkie's behavior, a much BETTER thing to point out would be that Starlight's past wrongs shouldn't be justification for Pinkie's current wrongs. I certainly didn't write this with the intention that people should assume what Pinkie is doing is RIGHT.
8448781
I’m really starting to doubt your knowledge on kidnapping but I don’t care because you just blew your chances of me taking you seriously on this subject.
8448828
Sweet! Thanks for cutting short what I thought was going to be a long and increasingly pointless conversation about the merits of kidnapping vs. imprisonment and brainwashing! Enjoy your self-proclaimed internet victory!
8448842
I want to apologize on behalf of starlight glimmer fans, not all of us are whiny jerk about detail and confusing things (I imagine Starlight to be glad she avoided all that mess with journal cause she realize she either going to be hated and defended) and i approve the way you handle said argument. well done.
You do know that what Starlight did was justified. The Mane 6 were threatening to destroy what Starlight thought was the right thing to do. From her point of view, they are a danger to the village. It's all a matter of perspective.
I see it as no worse then stuff the Mane 6 are guilty of. Like sabotaging a certain weather factory because her pet was sleepy. Or brainwashing three young ponies (then the town) because they were late with a lesson. Or cloning yourself multiple times because you don't want to miss out on any fun, resulting in widespread chaos and destruction. Or committing bodily harm in the name if prank ing somepony.
Seriously, the Mane 6 have caused more problems than Starlight ever did.
Sorry, you just don't have a leg to stand on.
In this story, Starlight imprisoned the Mane 6 because they were a threat to the village. Here Pinkie kidnapped them because Starlight wouldn't try her gross cupcakes. Starlight has way more of a leg to stand on than Pinkie.
One thing about this that amuses me is that the basic outline of the plot actually feels like an episode of the show. Specifically it feels like "A Friend..." with Pinkie stalking Cranky Doodle.... But even as it turns into your style of crack fic, it still largely parallels things I'd see on the show. Remember when it turned out Pinkie had a secret lair under Ponyville? It's only a hop skip and a jump from that to fun-geon.
Lots of good lines in this one but my favorite might be
“Dang it!” Starlight cried throwing her forelegs up in the air. “Why does my life have to be so ironic!”
reading this fic was like eating one of pinkie pies random cupcakes, it was made up of perfectly reasonable words that i never expected to go together but somehow came out to a reasonable and delicious whole. at first one is like "ohh cupcake, a delicious treat (reading their banter over starlight waking up in mauds bed) but then hearing the ingredients (realising pinkie is kidnapping people now?) antipicating how awful the combination surely must be (pinkie committing arson??) but then you eat the whole thing and despite those weird textures you find yourself enjoying the experience. especially maud's monotone sex jokes. XD
I have no words. Pinkie is a psycho. Maud has apparently done every act in the world, and Twilight is trying to solve the impossible riddles of pinkie pie logic. This is funny.
She's not in a hurry to escape. Also, what's the reason for Celestia always liking cake in everything? I don't know the reason people do that.