Daddies are embarrassing.
Daddies are embarrassing.
The rest of the afternoon went smoothly. Well as smoothly as it could go with a nervous Scootaloo and a shyly Lilly. Every times Slights dads were coming in the room, Scootaloo startled up and checked after them, as long as they stayed in the room. Slight didn't questioned it jet, but Lilly noticed it and looked at Scootaloo every time it happened. However the filly didn't provide any kind of answer, but became more and more nervous instead. She tried to win the games as quick as possible to distract everypony from her. It worked, Slight was a easily to distract and Lilly was driven in with his excitement and forget the question after a while.
Slight played with the friends till it was suppertime and despite the invitation from Daddy Gentle, both fillies were persisting to go home. Of course he suggested to walk both home, but Scootaloo denied it persistently and said goodbye to him.
“No, no you haven't to go with me.
I know the way and nothing could happen to me on this short track, you know?
I mean Ponyville is a safe place and...”
She laughed with a strange undertone and glanced to the stallion behind Slight, who're surveying her very carefully. Gentle cleared his throat and nodded.
“Very well then. We could, uhm. How does it sound to you, when we accompany you, till we're arriving Sugarcube Corner.
There you say goodbye and if you want to, you can make an appointment with Slight for tomorrow
and we can walk Lilly home afterwards, what do you think?”
Lilly blushed and nodded quickly. Shining smiled at her and opened the door with his magic. Scootaloo didn't answered properly, but rather galloped out of the house, grabbed the scooter and roared off so fast as she was fleeing from a pack of Timberwolves. Slight looked and called after her trail of dust.
“Please wait for us, Scootaloo.
I thought...”
However the filly didn't stop, rushed around the next corner and was quickly out of sight. Slight drooped his ears and sighed.
“Did I do something wrong? Maybe I have won too often and...”
Gentle nuzzled him encouraging and the low spirited colt cheered a little bit up. The stallion smiled and looked after the disappeared filly
“Don't bother, I think she just needs to go home as fast as she could.
You know, her parents could be worrying sick when she isn't home before sunset.”
The stallion looked to Lilly, who nodded and blushed. She wrinkled her pigtails once and looked down to the ground, to avoid eye contact.
“Do you actually know, where she lives, Lilly?”
The filly drew pensively circles on the ground and shook her head after a while. She mumbled an answer.
“I don't. Eventually Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle would know that.”
Gentle nodded and smiled absent minded. He closed the door behind him and all four began to walk.
The way back to Lilly's home was easy going for the foals, because they chatted about many things, first about an other play date after school and then if they want to do their homework together. Gentle and Shining were following the two chatting and giggling foals. As they did so, Slight was glancing back at them time and again to make sure they were still there. After this affirmation he turned ever since back to Lilly, who listened more, then to say things on her own, but she liked the colt anyway. She smiled gently, giggled when he said something funny and whispered an answer here and then.
“Here is something fishy about this, Gentle.”
Shining whispered very silently and bowed his head closely to the smaller stallion. He nuzzled him with his nose and tried to calm him down a little bit. Gentle sighed and nodded. He cuddled up at him as an answer.
“I know, I noticed it too.”
The stallions shared a moment of concern and sighed together. Their attention were quickly drawn back to Slight, as he looked at them and had a wide smile on his face. The two stallions smiled calmly back and the silence became quickly weird. Slight sighed and asked again the same question.
“Could we make pizza tomorrow, please?”
Shining smiled, as he as he stared using the great puppy eyes whom Gentle was unable to resist. Had Gentle had any misgivings about pizza to begin with, they would have been shattered by the look of those eyes. He agreed with a slight chuckle.
“Alright alright, we'll make pizza tomorrow.
But you have to help with the clean up.”
Slight nodded and mumbled an approving uh hum. Gentle smiled and ruffled over his mane with one hoof.
“Well we'll do it that way.
I prepare the dough...”
“Could we do it together?”
The sudden question didn't throw Gentle off his guard, but for a moment there was a distinct flicker of the lack of enthusiasm he felt, remember the foals last attempt at making pizza dough. He was white, pearly even, but he preferred everything else was not, apart from a few other ponies. But Slight managed to colour his mane, his coat and every other spot in the kitchen with so much flour, that Gentle could easily play hide and seek in the kitchen and would surely win.
“I think we'll make a dough with yeast and it must stay a few hours to be perfect.”
Slight pouted a little bit, but Gentle stroke over his mane gently and brought back a smile on his face.
“This tastes much better, you know?”
This vanquished the last lingering protest in Slight's eyes and he nodded. Then he turned back to Lilly. Shining leant to Gentle and whispered with a snicker.
“Phew, thankfully you won't be ending up with cleaning up the whole house, again.”
Gentle glazed at Shining with a no nonsense look, grinned shortly after that and kissed his coltfriend on the cheek.
“We Shining. We should be thankful, that we won't be ending up with cleaning up the whole house.”
The other stallion rolled his eyes and nuzzled his face on Gentles.
“You're right.”
Lilly looked back at the time both stallions kissed and blushed heavily. She turned over quickly and tried to ignore the looks from the other ponies around them. Slight saw her red cheeks and cocked his head. He glanced over the other ponies around. They're whispering, staring at them with curious expressions and one or two were even pointing at his daddies. A few of them were smiling encouraging and friendly, as they noticed his look.
“"Isn't it... err... unpleasant if they are all giving odd looks?"
Lilly whispered this question finally and looked back to the ground again. She tried to look nopony in the face and stroke nervously over her mane, wrinkled her pigtails and tried even to hide behind them. Slight stepped closer to her, cuddled up against her and blushed. So he was able to give an answer, who nopony would hear.
“You know, first it was.
But they weren't only looking so when my daddies do that,
but also when other parents do this. In Canterlot.
And what they dio is really Eewww, don't you think?”
Slight giggled as he whispered his answer and looked back to the both love-horns, which were nuzzling their noses together and kissed then. He rolled his eyes in a little bit disgust and called.
“Couldn't you do this at home.
You're so embarrassing.”
The stallions smirked to the blushing colt and kissed once more to let him blush even more and of course to confuse the other ponies too. Slight ducked his head and pulled Lilly along with him.
“This, this is so embarrassing when they do it even more.”
Lilly grinned and nodded with a huge blush.
The next few steps were very amusing for the stallions. Slight blushed even more and tried to speed up and get out of sight, but couldn't because everywhere were other ponies. Finally they're leaving the market place and turning into the street to Lilly's home. Slight raised his head again and glanced bugged to the two stallions. They're smiling apologetic and nuzzled their faces for the last time. Slight sighed irritated and smiled too.
“You're so embarrassing!”
Before he could complain more, Dad Star caught him with his magic and pulled him closer to the two stallions. They started to tickle him and nuzzled him with their noses. The colt giggled, hugged and cuddled up to both of them, as they returned the hug. Lilly looked at this group hug with a nearly envious expression and smiled to Slight, as he was put back beside her with a wide grin.
“We know this, Slight.
But this is our task as daddies, right?”
Slight breathed out very bugged and sighed. He pouted a little bit first, but grinned then. Finally he nodded and rolled her eyes at them. Lilly giggled too and led them closer to her home.
Her home, well it was different, than Slight had imagined it. It was a small house, with just a few decorations and just three flower boxes with roses on the small veranda. Much more wasn't there, on the first far away look. Slight looked at Lilly with an almost pitiful expression, but as they stepped closer, and the light get up the view changed.
Everywhere were flowers, Slight smiled and sniffed . He smelled a sweet light smell of butterfly bushes and his smile widened.
He loved this smell. Slight followed sniffling the smell on the veranda, but couldn't spot the source of it. There were living garlands of climbers with many small white flowers, small flower boxes everywhere on the walls with many other flowers and their smell mixed in with the smell of the butterfly bushes, but didn't drown it down. He turned to Lilly and gazed at her with an open mouth.
“That's...”
Slight stopped, as he saw the expression on Lillys face. She wasn't happy. Lilly sighed, as she saw, that nopony was there and played with her pigtails again.
“Mum will be back later. I am not supposed to let anypony in while she isn't here.
Sorry.”
Gentle nodded and sighed. He cocked his head and levitated a letter out of his saddle bags. He levitated it to Lilly and smiled friendly.
“It's okay, Lilly.
Would you please give her this letter, then?”
She nodded very eager, hugged the blushing Slight and said goodbye to the stallions.
“Thank you very much, for the lunch.
See you tomorrow, Slight.
Uh, uhm, would you like to go to school with me?”
Slight smiled gently, nodded and agreed to meet at Sugarcube Corner.
The little family went to the Ponyville cafe for dinner, before they returned home. Slight ate hay-fries, a carrot-dog and a small bowl of ice and he couldn't be happier.
At the way home he became more and more tired and stumbled around, till Dad Star took him on his back. First he didn't want to, but as he almost tripped over his own hooves and Daddy Gentle was just able to safe him, he agreed and snuggled against the neck of Dad Star. He felt asleep shortly after that.
“We had to look out for the clock more, Gentle.
It's way past Slight's bedtime and...”
Gentle sighed and nodded. He caressed gently over Slights back. The colt sighed relieved and snuggled closer at his Dad. The stallions smiled gently and sneaked slowly back home.
As they arrived, Shining tried to wake up Slight so far, that he could brushed his teeth, but the colt was way too tired for that, so he did it instead. The good-night story had to be droop out, because Slight slept already and didn't need a story to get sleepy. Shining watched over his sleeping foal for a while and sighed, as Slight turned over, grabbed his pillow and snuggled his head deeper into it. The stallion smiled gently, fondled over the sleeping foal for the last time and sneaked out of his room.
Gentle sat at his desk, a few quills were dancing in his magic and were writing more then one letter or notice at the same time. As the first quill finished and stayed in his magic, he put the notice and stuck it in a pin board ahead. He looked at the first line and on the name of it: Scootaloo. He sighed, as Shining entered the bedroom and yawned. The stallion seemed to guess his thoughts and nodded.
“Slight's is sleeping.
And I think he is right.
Do you think...”
Shining cleared his throat and drew a line on the ground.
“Do you think, that we can do this here?
I mean, you know how they're in Canterlot and how they reacted to us. Here they aren't much different. Didn't you hear their whispers today?”
Shining looked out of the window and drooped his head. Gentle breathed out very bugged and put down all quills. He looked to his coltfriend and scrolled the papers. He put away the quills and closed the curtains with his magic.
“Shining Star. The princess had visited us this morning and didn't seem to be concern about it, as you have told. Besides I just don't want to hide any more.
I love you!”
The smaller stallion stood up, snuggled up to his coltfriend and closed his eyes, as he nuzzled him with his face. The stallions laid down on the bed and cuddled up there for a while.
“I love you too,
but what if...”
Gentle raised his head, kissed the other stallion gently on his cheek and shook his head. Shining fell silent and smiled. After a few silent moments of cuddling, he started to speak again. He sounded much more reserved than before and avoided every eye contact with Gentle, as he whispered.
“Do you really think, that the filly, uhm, Scootaloo is hiding something?”
Gentle scrunched his face and cleared his throat. He snuggled closer to the bigger stallion and shot his eyes closed.
“This would spot a blind horse, Shining.
Even aside her fear of touches.
Her pose, as I wanted to check her up, was so clearly a try to protect herself, that I'm sure about her.”
The stallion talked himself into a rage and was searching more and more the security that his coltfriend might offer to calm down again. He pressed finally his face into the mane of the bigger stallion and fell silence. Shining nodded and sighed then. He looked to the trembling stallion beside him, laid his head on the side and whispered.
“Hey, Gentle, we can do this.
We will find a way.”
He started to hum a song, went on to sing it actually and sang a lullaby for the younger stallion. He sighed relieved, as he felt the warmth of his coltfriend and closed his eyes. He breathed in through his nostrils, nuzzled slowly over the mane of his friend and calmed more and more down. He felt asleep slowly, but surely. Shining watched him falling asleep and sighed, as he saw, that he trembled. He hugged his sleeping little stallion and tried to hold him tight in his embrace.
“I'll protect you, Gentle.
Nopony will ever harm you again.
I promise.”
After his promise, he laid his head over Gentle's and fell asleep quickly.
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8142132
Much better I'll give it another read after i finish the current story I'm reading
8142132
Just finished the first 2 chapters and have added this to my tracking folder. I like the premise and the characters seem interesting so I'll be coming back when its completed.
The formatting is definitely much better then before but could still use some more work.
You shouldn't start a new line for each sentence a character says when they are speaking without interruption, makes it hard to follow when it changes who's talking.
As an example (Copy pasted from chapter 2)
“Hello there.
You''re new in Ponyville, aren't you?
Well I've seen you never before and so on you're new, right?
Besides I had seen the pegasus-removalists, funny word, right?
Alright, the pegamovalists, but I didn't know where from they are and they were empty at the time,
so I had to look for the new settled house.
But it got way too late for a welcome party and...”
Would look better as
“Hello there. You''re new in Ponyville, aren't you? I've seen you never before and so on you're new, right? Besides I had seen the pegasus-movalists, funny word, right? Alright, the pegamovalists, but I didn't know where from they are and they were empty at the time, so I had to look for the new settled house. But it got way too late for a welcome party and...”
Though it still needs a grammar fix up, its much easier to read that way.
The grammar is also something that could use improvement, I find that rereading what I've wrote out loud to myself the next day helps a lot with my own grammar. It helps because you can hear when things don't sound right.
your best bet is to get a friend or family member you trust to be honest with you (Preferably one that is also into MLP so you don't have to explain the canon characters or setting) to help you edit and proofread but if you can't or don't want to do that for some reason.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
Hope you keep at it and finish the story.
8143716 Thanks for your Review.
About your first improvement.
I had learned in my creative writing execises, that every sentence in a dialogue had to get in it's own line, but I will see, if I can fix this sooner or later.
The grammar part is much more difficult for me. You see I'm not a native speaker and my English wasn't quite as good as it is nowadays.
I have to admit, though I have learned a lot, I've to learn much more.
Even when I read it out loud, I couldn't spot any misstakes in the chapters so far.
I'm sorry if it is a little bit crinchy, but I will learn and will try to improve myself over the course of a few months,
And for your third suggestion:
I've tried to interest one Proreader in the group for my other story, but I think it is way too long for the most of them.
So I try to learn English on my own to improve my style of writing.
So please be patient with me and tell me, if I make major misstakes.
It looks like Lily likes Slight, did I got that right.
8144168 It's look like she does, yes.
I wanted to make sure, that every secondary character stood out on his or her own,
so Lillys home looks like it did and she likes Slight.
I think of a similar chapter for Scootaloo somedays.
8144169 I hope it doesn't demolish the story for you.
I can't help myself, but this overtook me way too easily.
I hope you don't mind.
If you want to, I can make an alternate storyline for you.
8144210 Don't worry, while it is pretty sad to think what they maybe did to her, I think that it could be an interessting thing for the story and maybe that makes it look even better if they find a solution for her.
edit : I just hope she get's a chance to get better soon enough, that makes it worth to....more or less having sad chapters.
I think I said everything I wanted to, I somehow forget much at the moment, maybe it's the stress or something.
I probably said it already, but I couldn't stop to feel sad for her, because she was together with two Stallions and they kind of...well didn''t let her leave when she wanted, no matter the reason they had.
Sometimes I see characters forcing others to stop or listen with their magic and stuff against her will, sometimes it is done pretty bad and I dislike the characters for doing that. While I disliked it here a bit as well, I think they might had a reason to do so. I mean if she really looked hurt.
Did Scootaloo understood what them being gay meant?, because I imaged this might help her to like them sooner or more than every other Stallion she knows. I mean maybe the idea that they couldn't even like Mares or fillys would be a good way to built the minimum amount of trust they need to find out what happened.
You said you wanted to make a similar scene for Scootaloo, did you meant her liking someone?, or the part with her house?
I would be gratefull if you wouldn't choose Rumbel for that, it might have to do with the kind of guy they make him to be (personality), but this is overdone, maybe use someone like Twist, I actually don't like Pipsqueak that much either.
If her problems are deep enough, then maybe it would make her prefer a filly anyway, which could happen after she "really" understands what being gay means.
I don't know which kind of universe you used, but I like to believe just because we haven't seen so many Stallions, means that there are more Mares. There could always be a town like ponyville, but with more Stallions. I just wanted to explain why they maybe could not knowing about being gay if it doesn't happen that often.