I'm a German writer, who just get into the Brony fandom a year ago. I love to write and do it usually in German, but am willing to improve my mediocre English with the translation of my first fanfic.
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Slight Hope has moved to Ponyville.
He has a very special family, a family unlike many others.
A family who loves him a lot.
A family with two parents, but not in the usual way,
A family of two unicorn stallions and one pegasus colt.
So see, what kind of adventures and rejection they've to overcome.
This story starts after Magical Maystical cure and alters the course of events a little bit.
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Till now this story looks really good and this looked like maybe some kind of little romance between him and Scotaloo could happen or at least something like best friends for now.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting right now, but I think that I'm pretty much curious to see his dads now. The one already seems nice, I guess the other one is slightly more strict or how you want to call it and some kind of protector for their strange family. I say strange because it looks like it could be maybe something rare in this universe.
somehow it looked a bit odd or to much of Pinkie to demand that sleepover.
Either she want's to throw a big party and to ignore that either the child or what I believe his Coltfriend doesn't like parties, or this is a really special Pinkie and she wantÄÄss to do a sspecal kind of party, nothing to bad but it sounded like the child wasn't supposed to be there.
Honestly I would love it if she could simply listen to what others say to sometimes, like in other stories, but I suppose this wasn't to bad. (sorry i feel like I forgot what I wanted to say, but I took a small break right in the middle of that sentencec.
I like this Stallion X Stallion story tilll now
Till now it is interessting to see this from the fathers point of view. I mean at least from one book I'm used to have a change between 4-7 characters even if I don't enjoy them all. So as long as you show most ofthe important moments for the foal and as long as the story is long enough because of this writing style, then I would love to read it like this.
I admit I have read this chapter a bit faster and only tried to spot any differences, I have to admit I think the only different part was in what scootaloo said.
However if this is really a decision between and adoption happening here and about having a more psychological story, then I need to tell you that I choose
"Should" Scootaloo get adopted anyway, then I would say psychological, but I'm not sure how that was meant to be.
8050361 I have changed Slight reactions of Pinkie Pie and a few reactions from Scootaloo.
It isn't much, but the direction of this changes the story I want to tell in a slight manner.
Slight is way more guarded in the chase and I wanted to imply, that Scootaloo connected over a similar experience.
But I think I have it made too cryptic.
Sorry about that and thanks for your comments.
8051726 Thank you for the explanation and well I guess I stick with the adoption, since it sounds it would be actually kind of important the way your telling me this.
Sorry I only made it about half way through the first chapter the formatting kills it for me.
If it gets cleaned up at a later date ill give it another try.
8141945 I have improve the format right now.
I hope it is a little bit better.
8142132
Much better I'll give it another read after i finish the current story I'm reading
8142132
Just finished the first 2 chapters and have added this to my tracking folder. I like the premise and the characters seem interesting so I'll be coming back when its completed.
The formatting is definitely much better then before but could still use some more work.
You shouldn't start a new line for each sentence a character says when they are speaking without interruption, makes it hard to follow when it changes who's talking.
As an example (Copy pasted from chapter 2)
“Hello there.
You''re new in Ponyville, aren't you?
Well I've seen you never before and so on you're new, right?
Besides I had seen the pegasus-removalists, funny word, right?
Alright, the pegamovalists, but I didn't know where from they are and they were empty at the time,
so I had to look for the new settled house.
But it got way too late for a welcome party and...”
Would look better as
“Hello there. You''re new in Ponyville, aren't you? I've seen you never before and so on you're new, right? Besides I had seen the pegasus-movalists, funny word, right? Alright, the pegamovalists, but I didn't know where from they are and they were empty at the time, so I had to look for the new settled house. But it got way too late for a welcome party and...”
Though it still needs a grammar fix up, its much easier to read that way.
The grammar is also something that could use improvement, I find that rereading what I've wrote out loud to myself the next day helps a lot with my own grammar. It helps because you can hear when things don't sound right.
your best bet is to get a friend or family member you trust to be honest with you (Preferably one that is also into MLP so you don't have to explain the canon characters or setting) to help you edit and proofread but if you can't or don't want to do that for some reason.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
Hope you keep at it and finish the story.
8143716 Thanks for your Review.
About your first improvement.
I had learned in my creative writing execises, that every sentence in a dialogue had to get in it's own line, but I will see, if I can fix this sooner or later.
The grammar part is much more difficult for me. You see I'm not a native speaker and my English wasn't quite as good as it is nowadays.
I have to admit, though I have learned a lot, I've to learn much more.
Even when I read it out loud, I couldn't spot any misstakes in the chapters so far.
I'm sorry if it is a little bit crinchy, but I will learn and will try to improve myself over the course of a few months,
And for your third suggestion:
I've tried to interest one Proreader in the group for my other story, but I think it is way too long for the most of them.
So I try to learn English on my own to improve my style of writing.
So please be patient with me and tell me, if I make major misstakes.
It looks like Lily likes Slight, did I got that right.
That is actually somehow to sad this time. I don't mind the theme of this chapter, but it was nearly a bit to sad in this story. Maybe because I remembeewd a certain movie with a crazy girl that hat similar stuff happen to her.
8144168 It's look like she does, yes.
I wanted to make sure, that every secondary character stood out on his or her own,
so Lillys home looks like it did and she likes Slight.
I think of a similar chapter for Scootaloo somedays.
8144169 I hope it doesn't demolish the story for you.
I can't help myself, but this overtook me way too easily.
I hope you don't mind.
If you want to, I can make an alternate storyline for you.
8144210 Don't worry, while it is pretty sad to think what they maybe did to her, I think that it could be an interessting thing for the story and maybe that makes it look even better if they find a solution for her.
edit : I just hope she get's a chance to get better soon enough, that makes it worth to....more or less having sad chapters.
I think I said everything I wanted to, I somehow forget much at the moment, maybe it's the stress or something.
I probably said it already, but I couldn't stop to feel sad for her, because she was together with two Stallions and they kind of...well didn''t let her leave when she wanted, no matter the reason they had.
Sometimes I see characters forcing others to stop or listen with their magic and stuff against her will, sometimes it is done pretty bad and I dislike the characters for doing that. While I disliked it here a bit as well, I think they might had a reason to do so. I mean if she really looked hurt.
Did Scootaloo understood what them being gay meant?, because I imaged this might help her to like them sooner or more than every other Stallion she knows. I mean maybe the idea that they couldn't even like Mares or fillys would be a good way to built the minimum amount of trust they need to find out what happened.
You said you wanted to make a similar scene for Scootaloo, did you meant her liking someone?, or the part with her house?
I would be gratefull if you wouldn't choose Rumbel for that, it might have to do with the kind of guy they make him to be (personality), but this is overdone, maybe use someone like Twist, I actually don't like Pipsqueak that much either.
If her problems are deep enough, then maybe it would make her prefer a filly anyway, which could happen after she "really" understands what being gay means.
I don't know which kind of universe you used, but I like to believe just because we haven't seen so many Stallions, means that there are more Mares. There could always be a town like ponyville, but with more Stallions. I just wanted to explain why they maybe could not knowing about being gay if it doesn't happen that often.
Was it already mentioned what problem Slight could have with Rarity? I think I forgot why, since his father was mentioning some kind of accident.
8162522
I hadn't metion any kind of problem with Rarity so far, but it has something to do with Slight's past.
Like it is hinted in his reactions to Miss Cheerilee and his whole behaviour in the class, as somepony called him.
I thought it shows in which kind of school he was before.
8162577 Maybe I didn't payed enough attention, I have my own problems right now and if I'm honest I forget some little stuff from those stories at the moment.
8162600 I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope for you, that everything would turn out well.
And I don't bother, I'm rather thankful for your reviews, so just take all the time you need.
I been meaning to ask what going on with scootalo?
8176113 She has a problem, what causes all of her actions.
What do you think is it?
She is shown here as a sobbing filly and seek something by Gentle or the whole family.
And she even returned to a place she is scared of.
Just as I fear she was being abuse and neglected l just had that feeling
I've been searching for this one since last night and now found it. just to say you’re not alone i’m new to this site too. all the stories I've written are in script form and mine got rejected yesterday but i didn’t give up...resubmitting the story. it’s spike x male original character fic. also having a story transposed in English is a very tricky thing to do indeed.
8291134
Thanks,
I hope you get an approval in a short amount of time.
I'll give it a try, when I find it anyway.
I hope you liked the story.
8293160
yeah it’s taking a really long damn time! unlike the first time I submitted it... also there’s a lot of cool stuff in the fic. if you want private message me more about my story, i’d be very happy to give more info on it.
*gasp* not one but two chapter updates! only a few grammar errors in this chapter like when sweetie belle asks " What did( maybe it's had? not sure about this.) happen to you, Scootaloo?" "Why didn't you (want to) be in school today?” i'll check previous chapter before this one to see if are any in that one.
p.s: i'm doing okay I got my story love between brothers back due to updates of windows 10 about a week ago. i'm going to work on it next coming year after I move away from my old home.
one of my stories planned for fanfiction.net might be in jeopardy from one of my flash drives...getting a second opinion before I freak the hell out!
Is the story dead?
10365012
I have one hundred chapters left to translate, but I think it will take a long time and I do not think, that I can do it recently.
I have to complete my final examination in one week.
Maybe I can translate another chapter after that.
I hope zhe story isn't dead, but on further delay.
I haven't think that somebody would have read it, t.b.h..
There was a lacking of comments ;)