[2nd Person]
You are the son of a wealthy sports store owner. One day during your walks a heavy thunderstorm rolls in. You stumble into a ravine, finding two small creatures lost in a world not their own.
You take in the two small foals, and try to help them to the best of your abilities.
Shamelessly inspired by My Little Dashie... Please don't hurt me...
First thing I show the public, so... be harsh!
Oh man, why is this so embarrassing...
Image is copyrighted to MadMax http://fav.me/d4p0am0
Chapters (8)
It's not bad at all. Somewhat well-written, if a little short, but otherwise good. Not even seeing any real errors, either.
I like it
i like it. even though it's inspired by "My Little Dashie" it's a good story. so what if it's your first one. My first fan-fic just got approved of and already two people are disliking it all cause it's either "to cliche" or "the chapters are too short." but i don't care it's my first story and of course they're going to be a few haters. so don't worry about it just keep on going and everything will be better.
865911
Eh. It's good enough :P
I've read enough to know that it's not top tier. It's not the first I've written, but it's the first that is below 20k words, and has anything happening... I might post more, but we'll see. And if you see any errors at all, please do point them out, I pride myself in at least having good grammar...
865912
Thanks. I don't really want to compare it to MLD, it's nowhere near that level. And to be honest, I don't mind. I do this just for fun, and if I learn to write during that it's a bonus. I know the chapters here are a bit short, and that the story itself isn't very long. But that was actually something I strive to accomplish. I've written other stories, which will probably never see the light of day, which are way too long and wordy where nothing really happens. Here I've tried to boil it down to the at least somewhat interesting stuff.
I'll give your story a shot, and I'll give it a review now, or when you complete it. I'll add a comment nonetheless. Never let the fact that some don't like your story pull you down. It's all just for fun anyways!
And more chapters are coming, it's not long until I'll slap a 'completed' on it either.
866131
Oh no problem, I'd be glad to. Like I said, well-written is definitely a plus, so props should be given for having good grammatical sense
I'll send you a pm with a bunch of small fixes when I've closely read the whole thing so far.
Despite being short, I thoroughly loved it!
You don't rush into it, you keep a good pace, and I couldn't help but smile a little. This definitely deserves a live and a fave.
Keep going with it!
866235
Thanks mate! I'm really glad you enjoyed it
866131 tell me about. but it may be awhile before it's finished. i was going to post up 20 chapters but if it keeps on going like it is it mat be more than that.
this story is really good so far, i'm impressed.
but slow down the time passing a little bit, i want to keep enjoying this lol 
866308
I'll give you fair warning. I like to think of my critique as harsh, but fair. I don't pull punches, but I try to be reasonable and tell you as it is.
My critique is only given as something for the writer to look at and be inspired, not to pull the story down or to make him/her look bad. I believe every story has a right to be written, no matter how good or bad, it is a work of art and the writer puts a lot of time and work into it no matter what.
Every work has a right to be seen.
866341
Thanks! I actually try to keep it a bit short. I might make a chapter that contains small stories that go on during those years.
Like the time Luna pukes on the carpet after getting a bit too curious about the ham-sandwiches...
866366 hahaha! i would like to see that. and your also right there's nothing wrong with some chapter being short. what's important is the story, how you decide to make it, and how much fun you have writing it.
Lol right before i read i want to say COULD YA HAND ME SIXPENCE? >:O
867502
No! It's my hat! MINE!
I like it. Reminds me a tiny (really tiny) bit of My Little Celestia but it's completely different in story and content. It only reminds me of the story in that Celestia is being take care of a human in filly state.
great story you should continue
868353
Thanks :D I plan to at least finish this. Probably getting to the end somewhere next week if I'm lucky.
God that so bucking adorable
866366
alright well this is just an idea, and i'm doing it with my story, you could bloopers at the end of your story. make all those scenes with normal logic look wacky and funny at the same time. i've already seen a few places in your story that you could do that, but it's just an idea.
i don't know why i thought to suggest that
but oh well lol!
868685
That does sound like a fun idea! We'll see. Thanks :3
So cute...
ragemaker.net/images/Happy/happy%20crying.png
Adowable so fucking adowable
Yes I want ice cream
give me that Ice cream damnit
So bucking adowable why is it so cute I think I might have a heart attack
Alright, not bad.
I didn't see any alarmingly bad mistakes.
My only issue, and one I can ignore, is that is feels a bit rushed.
So yeah. Not bad at all.
MORE!!!
I love this story I reckon you should continue
870828
It's because it's the princesses, as fillies. That thought in itself is adorable.
870918
Good to hear that you enjoyed it and haven't found any glaring mistakes. It might seem a bit rushed, but that's because I try to keep it short. Some of my other, unpublished, attempts have been way too wordy, often reaching into the 30k's before anything really happens.
871505
Oh, I will. It's not long until this story is done.
But will there be a sequel? Who knows?
Not bad. We'll see how this turns out.
871698
I just hope the end isn't too bad once it's done...
next chapter please
this one was quite enjoyable, if not a bit too short
I feel like you skipped a lot of development. First off, we never saw anything of their relationship. I don't have the emotions you tried to express to the reader because I am in no way invested in the bonds formed between the characters. I believe all we got of that was the first interactions and then... 5 years later. Also, Luna doesn't seemed too surprised that "daddy" knows all about Equestria. Did something happen or is this just some bizarre acceptance? I think you were a little too excited to get to this point in your story and so you moved over the important stuff.
Also, the chapters are really short. This is more of the author's decision, but longer chapters would really help to keep the reader invested. As it is now, I just open the chapter, read for like 60 seconds, and I'm on my way.
872317
Hm, Yes, I was afraid of that.
I think this chapter is a bit premature. There needs to be a chapter between these two. A bit of an "intermission" so to speak.
I'll get right to it actually. I should be able to fix this shortly.
872379 Well, good sir, you know what I say to that?
indianadigital.us/.a/6a00d8341c657753ef01348660c981970c-640wi
Get to it, Di Nozzo!
Too short
872317
Just adding a few things, saw that you edited the comment. Or maybe I missed something the first time.
I'll be changing stuff around a bit, as you said, I was a bit too exited to just 'get on with it' as it were. Adding a chapter with a bit more.
When it comes down to the chapter size I agree that they're short, too short in some instances. In fact, I could probably just have finished the entire story and put it in one piece. It's not long, and it's not supposed to be, I pretty much started this with the idea that I'd have to finish it within 10k words, or discard it entirely. I've started things before that got over 30k words, and never really went anywhere.
And really, I have to thank you. A very big part of the reason I post this here is to get critiqued. It's a lot more fun for both the reader and the writer when the story is good, and I can't improve unless my faults are pointed out.
(I'm secretly contemplating rewriting the entire thing into 3rd person, past tense. But first I'll just have to finish it as it stands.)
873077
Yes yes my dear. It is being worked upon.
873186 Thank you for considering my advice. So many people just brush off criticism and keep doing whatever it is they do. Yeah I edited it because some of my original post was wrong in regards to your story. I had forgotten for a moment that the protagonist was familiar with FiM and was wondering why he knew all about Equestria and the ponies. Also, another question I have is how Luna got her cutie mark/ memory back. I'm guessing you have that planned for later.
In regards to the PoV and tense... that's mostly your decision. Do whatever feels right. If you aren't satisfied and want to start fresh then do it. I find that the 3rd person past tense is much easier to write but it mostly boils down to what you are comfortable with. Some people have an issue with reading second person; I don't as long as the author pulls it off.
873682
Eh, people who can't take criticism for what it really is are just silly. As long as it's more than "This sucks!" it's usually helpful in one way or another.
There is actually a plan behind Luna's cutie mark and memories. I can't say much without spoiling it, but it involves ponies, maybe more than one! Is it two? Who knows! I do! So, hah!
When it comes to the PoV and such, I'll see. I'll finish this instance of the story as it is now, just with more... story in there. And thanks for implying indirectly that you think I've pulled off second person :P
873757 Intentional implication
Oh I won't hurt you! I like this a ton! And also, blarg honk blarg. That is all.
Oh god i live this fic so fucking much
delightful
go on
yay, luna is second best pony!
i like how he secretly watches ponies. 
thats how i watch them
hey bookmaster. nice, FRIENDLY comment you posted on apple pie. dumbass
865912 you are cool, bro. too many haters reading MY first fic. 14 dislikes. 6 likes. it was published yesterday and it has 150 views. im like wtf. u see me rollin, u be hatin
MOAR PREASE
884102 thanks. but dont worry about it. even though theres alot of hate going on right now. we'll be right there supporting you no matter what happens. just keeping on doing what you like and sooner or later you'll be rewarded for all your hard work.
/)
Maybe like in MLD, their dad can come with them. That would be cool.
Hey, if you dont stop arguing im gonna love and tolerate the shit outta you.
True its short, but its cute and I like it! Keep it up good sir!
so was the sister involved in the plane crash or was it just the parents?
commander, drop the DAWWWWWWWWWW bomb!
