• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Aug 5th, 2014

Kiwi-Brony


T

Tom a rather cynical 21 year old has recently found out that his best friend, his flat mate and his flat mates girl-friend love the franchise 'My little Pony-Friendship is Magic'. He is the only one that is less than enthusiastic about the show and it's petite pastel ponies, one could almost say he doesn't like it. But when a less than unforeseeable event pushes him into the world of Bronies and Magic, he (and some new friends) will have to save the world from faceless enemies and one that we know and love.

(I would like some criticism, not my first story but this is my first fan fiction)

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 80 )

i like where this is going so far.
one of the things that caught my interest the most was the humor
things like "bondage,etc." being used as a context for humor is a bit creepy,but nothing i can't handle (i've seen worse,trust me)
the characters are quite well developed as well,we have the typical teenager with his carefree and not-so-selective choice of clothing
and of course the enthusiastic brony (Tom).
and a nerd,and a hyperactive girl that seems somewhat obssesed with magic.
and her boyfriend,that is somewhat obssesed in bondage and whatnot :rainbowlaugh:
All in all,this story has my attention so far.
Keep up the good work!

!!!!! MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Positives:
- Readable writing style. Some humor, some realistic personalities and actions.
- New transfer mechanic + Pony -> Human world rather than the usual Human -> Equestria
- Skepticism and non-fanboy mode from the main character. Good potential for observation and misunderstandings. Good fiction fodder.
- We have potential for a PLOT?!? Will wonders never cease!

Negatives:
- Off color behavior. We really don't _want_ to know details about your friend's sex life! That said, I agree it was at least kept comic and less obtrusive than it could have been.
- Reader left guessing about a lot of the environment. Is this an efficiency? A house? What season of the year? What kind of metropolis? Are these folks in school? Employed? Is it loud? Does it stink? Is it dirty? Yes, one can easily go overboard, but this was a too minimal for me.
- Mild editing issues. Nothing really major for grammar and spelling.
- Format issues. Pinkie-speak is too hard to read. Fast jabber is fine, but long sentences need some way to be broken up. Perhaps a dash at each sentence boundary?

Predictions:
- Each human is a link/anchor for pony arrival. Somebody is going to be kept sweating keeping a pony from causing a ruckus.
- Main plot will involve getting mane cast home again.
- There will be herbivore / omnivore conflict. There will be cynicism/harmony conflict. There will be embarrassing hugs. There will be a friendship report recitation.
- Goth witchery will be just as perplexing to Twilight as it is to me.

Good luck :derpyderp1:

47298
You sir, make an excellent point. I will try to improve myself with every chapter. Also thank you for pointing those things out, I probably would never have noticed them. The whole point of this is to become a better writer.

MUST HAVE MOAR! :flutterrage:

MUST HAVE MOAR PINKY! :pinkiecrazy:

MUST HAVE CUPCAKES! :pinkiegasp:

or... moar ponies? :trixieshiftright:

:yay:

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

MOAR

DAMMIT

MOAR

RIGHT

NOW

+Human in Equestria/Pony on Earth means insta-track. Thank you and good day.

:moustache:
You deserve it
I think a Moar is in order
MOAR:flutterrage:

I can see mysf as that guy if that happened. I would not believe it at all at first and just lock the doors, close the windows and stuff and just crash on the sofa until I figure what to do since I'm a closet briny, I got no one to help me... That would leave my parents baffled and in quite a WTF state.

I'm a sucker for HiE stories, and I've read both really good ones and really bad ones, so I'm always worried when I find a new one.

I have to say: It's pretty good. I've read only two other Ponies on Earth fanfics, so this is a nice break from all the other HiE fanfics.

Keep doing what you're doing, you've earned yourself another tracker. :pinkiehappy:

now THAT is how you get a story going, good humor, interesting concept, and the two people who you'd think would be panicing calmly discussing their own existance over tea. :moustache:

that said, i can't wait for more + tracking this story :pinkiehappy:

NOw this is....
interesting.

*tracks*
I'm rather enjoying this so far for the most part (Though, perhaps not the going into detail about certain things that one really shouldn't be going into) It's pretty amusing :twilightsmile:

Wow, I have to say I'm really impressed with how this story was written.

oooooooo boi. This is gonna get weird. lol

57397
It does seem that way doesn't it.

you want a cupcake? their to die for :pinkiecrazy:

LOL
Can wait for next chapter

Well shit. Where's RD and AJ?

I wonder how Twilight is taking in all the human knowledge, like Earth's atlas, or the interwebz.

Hmmm, a Gay main character :rainbowderp:
Now THAT you dont see in your everyday fic!
You sir, got my track and stars for pure originality

lol this isn't a piece of failure, It is quite awesome if I do say so myself. :rainbowkiss:

Hmm. Not often you see a story with humans and ponies where the main character is both homosex and not after one of the ponies.

Hmm, the first gay non-pony romance I've seen here. Props to ya.

where dash and aj?

well screw them try the cupcakes...... ive added a dash of apples.......:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Hopefully twilight never finds out about... RULE 34

so that's how you break the 4th wall....:pinkiehappy:
you sir are effing brilliant! This is no piece of fail... it is made of win :yay:

Question. How are Twilight and Pinkie Pie going to blend in with the humans?

Well this is getting interesting.

8D You made my day with this, totally wasn't expecting an update so soon. Thanks and keep it up :pinkiehappy:

70190
In all honesty *I* didn't expect to update this soon heh.

Fun little story so far. A lot of plot thickener in there, good luck getting the gang back together.

THEY BETTER NOT HAVE HURT ANYPONY! RAAHHHHHHHH! :flutterrage:

Your grammar, check it.

lol I would probably shit a few bricks if a pony was walkin around first class :rainbowlaugh:

if he has harmed fluttershy he gonna get a big ole FUS RO DA!! to the face

Is it bad that I get pissed at rainbow for bein so cocky?

shouldn't that last one be P.P.S. not P.S.S.?

lol naw jk i'm just trollin ya. :rainbowlaugh:

lol Thomas and Pinkie are about to stay up all night~~~! Breaking their way through the fourth wall~ :trollestia: :rainbowwild:

:pinkiegasp: You should call this chapter "Mr. PixieSuit"

How about "So, exactly how did this happen?"

I was hoping the chapter could be called Lightning! Lightning Everwhere!

80391 i'm listening to metallica have no idea how ironic i find that

80391 i'm listening to metallica have no idea how ironic i find that 80501 *you* have no idea

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