When Rainbow Dash is off for the day, she decides to hang out with Applejack. Applejack still has a full day of work. Even though it is Rainbow's day off, she wouldn't mind helping out her best friend in the world. While she helps, Rainbow notices something about Applejack.
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So, at the beggining Dash woke up at 9 am, and she arrive at sweet apple acres at 8:30, then Aj asked why was she doing up at 8:00 am.
Did she travel back in time???
7966672
Hehe. Whoops, this is probably why I shouldn't use time in stories, because I suck at that kind of thing. Thanks for pointing this out (fixed). It's super appreciated. ~
This was great. Probably not reread-worthy but great nonetheless.
What holds it back are two things.
A. The lack of proof-reading. It would take a long time to find all the errors, so I'll just use the second paragraph as a model.
Normally (and this is optional), thoughts are in double quotes and italicized.
Rainbow thought.* (not a comma because she has finished an entire sentence)
probably wired* (no reason for a comma)
I bet she is making* (oddly phrased in past tense)
chuckled to herself* (She wasn't laughing at herself now, was she?)
true, however* (words like however, meanwhile, and therefore should always be separated by a comma (at least as far as I've seen them used).
something.* (Again, this is an optional change, but RD just doesn't seem like the kind of character to be formal in her words (let alone her thoughts).
Hopefully some of these fixes can help you correct some more errors and become a better writer! You have definitely earned a follower.
7977809
Thanks! I'll make sure to work on rereading things, this was kinda just something I did when I was bored so I doubt it was all that great. I really need work on overusing commas. I'll go fix some stuff. Thanks for taking time to read this. ~
7979520
No problem!
Oh, I also forgot to mention the second way you could've made this better: rid it of the escalation. I'm fairly guilty of doing the same thing, but it just feels rushed when Applejack immediately loves Rainbow back. If you don't go into massive detail about it and/or space it out more, it loses impact and approaches the edge of the "Suspension of Disbelief," and that, my cute pegasus, is rocky ground.
7979730
I'll work on that. Thanks for the feedback, it really is appreciated. ~