The Wacky and Wonderful Misadventures of Buggy the Clown

by Hoppa_21

Making a Flashy Escape ...Or not - Part 1

There are a few unspoken laws between pirates like don’t rob an orphanage, or don’t make fun or/and provoke dragons. Not to mention to never sit on a pirates face. And also don’t mess with self-titled deities if they can back up their claim with raw strength and/or magical might.

But the most important rule of all is: Don’t, and under no circumstances, mess with Celestia’s cake!

Just don’t. Trust me on this one.

Also don’t call her fat. She is sensitive in that regard too. Well, in the violent sense of sensitive at least. You know, the ‘I’m gonna smack your face against the mountainside repeatedly’ one?

Heh. Glad it wasn’t me who had to deal with that.

Anyway, the problem here is of course that my infamous pirate luck seems to exclude that specific cake rule, making me the target of hatred for Princess Cake Butt. Seriously, it’s like a giant cosmic joke. A running gag for the both of us which I would find actually funny if it didn’t lead to me being chased by a mad self-proclaimed goddess afterwards.

Though something good about this situation is that you at least could always measure her rage on her appearance. A mad face was really the lowest, so you were pretty safe if she did that. After that came frazzled mane, followed by smoking mane, up to flaming mane, to the last and most deadly stage, magma body. Worst of all, this was NATURAL for her, just like a magma bath for dragons. She didn’t even eat a devil fruit for these powers, which is kind of cheating if you think about it. I mean, she could still swim around in the sea. Not that her fat ass would ever do exercises. Then again fat swims up, so she doesn’t need the exercise to stay afloat.

But back to the situation at hand. I personally jumped slightly, turning around to face the hateful glare of my imminent doom and the last mare I wanted to see right now. Her mane was flaming, meaning I was rather high on the ‘I’m totally fucked’ scale.

“C-Celestia,” I greeted nervously, holding back on the nickname just so she at least wouldn’t enter the Magma Stage.

“Buggy,” she greeted again, still holding that cold tone of voice, “It seems that my sister failed in apprehending you.”

“Oh you know us pirates, we are a pretty slippery bunch, he, he.”

She shook her head before letting out a sigh. Don’t let that calm demeanor fool you though, she was internally raging, just like her mane and tail suggested.

“You are, but it doesn’t matter. I will just take care of you myself.”

With that said she magiced her large golden warhammer right to her side.

Damn, I hate that thing.

That’s why I always rather faced Luna despite her being completely cray-cray! I mean, stick and stones may break my bones, but after being hit with THAT thing there is no bone left to break! At least that psychopath of her moon sister never really harmed me!

…Much.

Though that always makes me wonder if both sisters have to compensate for something since they both are using such large weapons. Well, I guess Celestia is pretty flat compared to others and could use some more in the chest department. So compensating much?

Luna on the other hand was always the one with the rack and the curvaceous body. So she had definitely no reason for compensation in that regard.

I quickly shook my head.

Nope. Not thinking about her like that. The last thing I need is another drinking incident. Also is that a hammer swinging towards me?

I honestly should have seen this coming, Cake Butt was never that patient. Or at least never near me. But still I could only stare dumbly at the massive golden warhammer that was about to hit me hard. No doubt this is something I would still feel tomorrow, at least if I survive the day.

But before the hammer could actually do its duty to show me a world of pain I was tackled by a pink blur, which shoved me out of the way just as the hammer was about to hit me, but still managed to pound my sack of gold instead.

Said sack was ripped out of my hand by the sheer force as I simply fell with an ‘oomph’ hardly registering what was happening.

I looked down on me as I laid now in the smeary remains of the cake, a pink mare clinging to my chest.

“That was FUN!” the pink maniac said as she cuddled closer giggling hysterically.

I was simply confused, which quickly was replaced by disbelief as I realized that this lunatic actually jumped out of the window after me as her completely cake-coated self suggested.

I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable by this curved mares hug as she practically squeezed her chest against me. Not mentioning that her clothes are soaked with cake. This position could be interpreted in a rather ambiguous light. Of course I also realized that I probably shouldn’t complain considering she just saved me, although that probably can be attributed to my pirate luck, but in any case it still doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Ugh, I never got around to accepting the way these things look. Sure, I got used to it, and could even call some of them attractive, but it still was weird for me sometimes when my thoughts drifted to stuff like romance. Someone can’t just switch off ones own culture which states that humans and horses should not fuck around. Literally.

A distinct cling of coins then drew my attention then and I looked over to the torn sack of flashy gold that was obliterated by the golden warhammer.

I couldn’t help the small tear that run down from one of my eyes at seeing such precious treasure violated in such an unholy way.

Fortunately I also noticed the smaller bag with Celestia’s treasure lying on the ground. The crown was slightly peaking out of it.

With all strength I could muster I pried Pinkie off of me.

…Which didn’t work. So I simply moved to the bag with her still attached to me.

…Yeah, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe my day.

I quickly scooped the small bag up and dumped the crown that fell out of it back into it again, before facing Cake Butt once more. Her eyes were wide and she seemed quite baffled. If it was from the treasure I held or the pink mare clinging to me and cuddling my side, I didn’t know.

“Those are the Elements!” she stated shocked, which pretty much answered my question prior. But it also made me grin as I simply did my best to revel in her face that was frozen in terror, while ignoring the mare clinging to my body.

At least something that was going right!

“So you know these little trinkets?” I taunted her, “Well too bad! They belong to me now!”

“You do not know powers they possess. Hand them back to me immediately!” she said with steely conviction, before her eyes became doubtful as she looked down at the pink mare, “…Also would you release Pinkie?”

“Um, sure,” I simply said trying to pry her off me again, while at the same time thinking on how to flee from this sun controlling maniac.

An idea flashed before my mind. An idea consisting out of four wheels driving me straight to freedom. But of course I didn’t have these parts for my escape plan near, neither knew I where they were, or if they even were still around.

I couldn’t help but sigh, “I wish I had my Buggy Car parts.”

However, much to my surprise Pinkie chuckled as she let go off me and looked me into my eyes while fumbling with her mane, “Oh silly. Just ask and you shall receive!”

And then…she pulled the parts for my flashy escape out of her huge fluffy mane. Yep, all two heavy parts for my impromptu cart.

…I’m not going to question that.

Instead I simply smiled widely as I examined the parts.

“Time for a flashy escape!” I exclaimed as I broke my body apart and reassembled it around the two axles with their wheels, creating an impromptu cart.

“Chop-Chop Buggy! Bomb engine, ignite!” I screamed out making the exhaust pipe of the lower axle send out a puff of smoke as I drove with my invented cart.

“GUARDS! CAPTURE HIM!” I heard Cake Butt scream. But I simply ignored the guards that were trying to stop me. I simply bowled all of them on my way over, while at the same time, holding onto the small sack with the treasure. I managed to make some serious headway, but could also hear the floor cracking as obviously the overweight Princess was following me with heavy as well as violent steps.

I simply drove further and further, until I noticed that I was driving directly into the abyss! An edge directly where the platform ended!

Luckily I recognized it in time and immediately tried to stop. I disassembled my body, letting the parts roll with full force over the cliff, while my body tried to stop its running motion after it reassembled itself. I managed to stop just as I was one step away from my doom.

However, my momentum was causing me some trouble, making my whole body dangerously dangle over the edge as my balance seemed to be screwed from the abrupt stop.

I waved my hands around trying to regain my balance and thankfully managing it. I could only sigh in relief, before I leaned over the edge to look down again, only seeing a far far away ground, as well as the side of the mountain which reached down to the bottom.

“What the-?! Seriously?! Who built this crazy town!”

“It is over Buggy. You have nowhere left to run.”

I turned back, facing an unamused Princess, albeit her flaming mane had toned down, looking now almost serene in its appearance as it slowly waved in a nonexistent wind.

“I honestly should have seen this coming. Only you would built a town at the side of a mountain without considering how completely nuts that very concept is.”

“Don’t try to divert my attention Buggy. It won’t work. I’m not as easily distracted as my sister.”

I honestly wanted to protest. After all I could bet a cake would be enough distraction, but then again…sore topic right now, so I better spare that for later.

Cake Butt seemed to take my silence as a permission or at least encouragement to go on.

“Just give up and hand over the Elements. I might even consider to only put you on Level 1 of Tartarus if you do. Or would you really prefer a hell like level 4, or even 5?” she put a hand on her chin, as a devilish grin came across her face, it made her whole face scrunch up in the most ugly way possible, making her look 10000 years older, like she had wrinkles, “You know, I think I could use another lawn ornament, now that Discord managed to escape. So the choice is yours. Either Tartarus Level 1 for the rest of your life or lawn ornament for all eternity.”

“Discord?” I only mumbled in thought, quite surprised to hear that he is still alive and seemingly around.

A stomp from Cake Butt’s hooves, since anthro ponies strangly have hooves instead of feet brought me out of my thoughts. She had crossed her arms under her below average rack and looked at me impatiently.

“Choose, and then hand over the Elements.”

Geeze. Not in a chatty mood, is she?

Of course neither of her so called ‘options’ seem to be acceptable. I didn’t want to spend eternity like I did the last who-knows-how-long years after just breaking out. But spending the rest of my life in Tartarus was even less of an option. So, I somehow need to find a way for a flashy escape plan which ends with me still being mostly alive.

Hm…

“HUZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” I suddenly heard a nearing scream. I turned my head just in time to see an axe sailing towards me. I couldn’t dodge in time as it cut directly through my neck yet again before it disappeared past the cliff.

Only seconds later an all too familiar alicorn touched down next to her sister cheering.

“We still got it, is what modern ponies say, isn’t it!” she asked in a jovial voice.

I personally became rather fed up with being Loony’s plaything, and was sure to vocalize this very thought.

“Bah! Really? Is that all you got?!” my floating head taunted, “Too bad! Because I’m still he-“

It was then that I noticed my body staggering from the force of the blow. I concentrated on my feet, swinging my arms of my body around to regain balance but in the end it was too late and I could do nothing to stop my entire body from falling backwards off the cliff.

I could only look dumbly after my body as it fell off the cliff. Fear quickly gripped my heart as I felt the distinctive sensation of a pull tearing at my head, wanting me to get back in the range of my body.

“Wha- N-No!” I said panicking as I tried to fight against the powerful pull. But it was much too strong. In the end I could only look in terror at the two who sealed my fate.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“ I screamed as the wind dragged past me towards my body and towards my demise for a second time that day.

I could barely see Loony rub the back of her head in embarrassment as she turned to her sister.

“Um, oops?”

Author's Note:

Buggy is dead. End of story.

...Or is he?

I split the chapter in two, so you can find out tomorrow!

Comments

[DarkSpider]

Story seems pretty good so far

[Kichi]

Huuuzaaaah!

Also... If Luffy can survive explosions and Buggy can resist Celestia, he can survive falling down.

[nightmaster0]

Luna really need's to stop jumping the gun.

[capedbaldy1234567890]

be hilarious if buggy gets mad over the whole time celestia has been treating him and wrecks her shit up

[Radioactive Dragon]

7911778 but there is also the factor of pain and nobody likes that.. unless they are insane

[Finalmagnus]

in one of the earlier chapters didn't you say Celestia was small chested?

[Hoppa_21]

7914309

Did I? My bad. If you see it again, could you point it out for me?

[Texus]

But the most important rule of all is: Don’t, and under no circumstances, mess with Celestia’s cake!

I bet he has the highes bounty and some rumors are saying he is the strongest pirate ever, which could help him in this story I guess.

[Texus]

After that came frazzled mane, followed by smoking mane, up to flaming mane, to the last and most deadly stage, magma body. Worst of all, this was NATURAL for her, just like a magma bath for dragons. She didn’t even eat a devil fruit for these powers, which is kind of cheating if you think about it. I mean, she could still swim around in the sea. Not that her fat ass would ever do exercises. Then again fat swims up, so she doesn’t need the exercise to stay afloat.

Now I'm curious what would happen, her being living lava, jumping into the sea. Would she get to be a living statue or something?, if I remember right how lava reacts.