A Gilded Cage ...And yes it's a bad pun

An immeasurable treasure.

Do you see this? Mountains of gold and jewelry? Bracelets, crowns, scepters, bars of pure gold in this catacombs with all the archways? The treasure large enough for the old Uncle Scrooge to take a dive in it?

Actually that was what I always wanted to do myself. Gather all the treasures in the world and take a bath in them.

Gold is too hard to bath you say? Shut up, I say! There is nothing impossible for the great Captain Buggy! Muahaha! And I am so close to my dream too. There is only one problem…

I’m part of the damn treasure myself!

Yes. Me the great and powerful Captain Buggy reduced to a rather impressive gold statue. It’s not my fault that the steeped in legend Hand of Midas did this to me. One of my crew mates got overzealous and tripped, leading to the treasure touching me directly by accident.

What? Got no clue how this could possible turn me to gold or what the Hand of Midas is? It is rather easily explained. This gold hand is called the ultimate treasure for one simple reason: Whatever you touch with it gets turned into pure gold!

The handle is the only thing that is not affected by this enchantment. So hence a Diamond Dog taking it, waddling over to bring the legendary treasure to me, tripping and said treasure landing enchanted gold first into me leading to me being a treasure myself.

So it really did turn EVERYTHING to gold. I would have rather tested it on the Royal Butts than myself, but stupid mutts are stupid mutts. I probably should have chosen my crew more wisely.

Just thinking about the treasure that slipped through my hands back then...

And you wouldn’t believe how many towns I had to ravage just to get the location of it. Years upon years of scavenging just to finally hold the ultimate treasure which will fulfill my deepest treasure-filled dreams.

It is rumored that it was enchanted by Starswirl the Bearded himself! At least I heard that he did it as he once dabbled in alchemy. The old coot wasn’t that great by the way. Sure he could do magic, but had no idea how to have a good time.

I remember his first time drunk. Now that was something! It got him to finally loosen up! In fact so much that he was confessing his undying love to his assistant Clover the Clever! I never thought that her green coated cheeks could turn into such a deep shade of red until I saw it on that fateful day! Ha! Those were good times!

Where was I? Ah, yes, turned to gold by the mistake of one of my insanely stupid crew members. I never got to punish that knucklehead.

On the bright side they were almost immediately captured by the crown. Downside was that these alicorn sisters were gloating right in front of me and pretty much laughing their flanks off at my expense. Or at least Moonie Loonie did, while Sunny had an insufferable smirk on her face. The type of which said: ‘I told you to leave your hands off it, but did you listen to me? No! So serves you right!’

Now that I think about it, it was probably outright gloating she did. Especially since Sunbutt never liked me. Well, probably better to be liked in the way Loony did.

After capturing all my allies as well as securing my statue they decided it might be a good idea to keep me as a treasure in their treasury. Not the worst place to be but…in my case it was torture.

Imagine you would suffer shipwreck on a lone stony island with nothing to save yourself. No plants, no food, nothing at all. In the distance you can see another island with a heavenly beach and coconuts to harvest. To put it short: paradise. Problem is you have to cross the ocean which is infested with sea kings. Of course you know that you are never going to make it. Still, you are so close to it that you can almost taste the coconuts…

…And this is driving you insane. Just the thought of being so close to it, but never being able to reach it.

That’s how I feel. So close and yet so far! Just like I’m dying of thirst while a cooling drink in form of a closed coconut is right in front of me, without a proper tool to open it, or the strength to do it in the first place.

I swear they placed me in this treasury on purpose. They probably knew that I was still fully conscious. That’s the kind of people those two are. Mischievous. Even more so than me, and that does mean something since I am the great Captain Buggy after all!

My only hope at the moment is that the enchantment wears off with time. But that was more of a rumor than anything. Not a wide spread rumor at that. But it is the only thing that keeps my morale up.

Sure after all this years it didn’t seem likely, but just imagine what would be if I did break free here! I would be getting free in the treasury! The treasury of the two princesses! A real foray! And they probably wouldn’t even notice it! Sun Butt would be too busy gorging herself on cake, while good old Loony would be out somewhere in Equestria as a bounty hunter, since she always had a knack for the thrill of fighting and ridding the country of crime.

I know that since she was using me as a training dummy to slice through and getting a real kick out of it every time she cut me in half. If she was addictive from the thrill then I was the drug, so to speak.

I took another look around, or more like a stare in the same direction, since it was hard to move as a statue. But I knew this chambers were huge regardless, considering that I was placed pretty deep in the treasury so I had a good place to overlook it. And I was one of the first treasures to be moved into this new castle, so I got a good look around then they first brought me here. Can’t really complain about that though, even though the journey wasn’t that comfortable it beats being left in an abandoned, crumbling castle.

But yeah, large treasure right in front of me. More than I could ever carry.

It’s a real bother that these mutts are long dead by now, or they could help me move this, so I have to limit myself to only as much as I myself can carry.

It is a good starting point in any case. I can buy myself all the supplies I need as well as convince a few mutts to join my ranks again.

And just imagine the look on the princesses faces! After all this time thought dead, I, Captain Buggy, am going to rise from the ashes like a phoenix!

A phoenix might be a good pet for a pirate. Just like a parrot, only more majestic. I might as well try to get my hands on one once I get out of here.

Can’t take that much longer.

Any minute now.

NOW!

Damnit! I can’t believe I’m still stuck! Shouldn’t it have let up by now?!

*Click*

Another guest? Hopefully not that Blueblood brat. This guy is too whiny for my taste.

I could already hear hoofsteps. They were slowly coming closer to reveal…

…A bug?

Coughing Gold ...Yeah, that happened

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Alright, just to get this straight. There is a bug in the treasury. A bug that somehow looks also like a pony. Anthromorphobic speaking of course, considering the equines here have not really much in common with the ones back home.

It seemed masculine, from what I could tell. It’s not like I was an expert when it comes to this freak show I found myself in. Not to mention that a bug fruit was new news for me. Not that it mattered.

Interestingly enough it wore some rather fancy-looking clothes. Maybe an indication for an event? Ah, yeah. Wasn’t there something big planned? Something that Bluebrat whined about?

Huh, and now the bug trudged nervously inside the chamber with an embroidered small blue chest.

And along it walked a small open path beside all the mountains of finest gold. But there was no interest in the treasures here, which was curious enough.

He went a few steps further, sparring my statue a glance and…shuddering, while sticking his tongue out in disgust?!

“I really don’t understand ponies view on art,” the bug muttered loud enough for me to hear.

And I mean just what the fuck?! Seriously, what was this guy thinking he was doing by insulting the great Captain Buggy!

Argh, who am I kidding! Probably no one even remembers my name anymore! All thanks to these stupid Royal Butts! I mean, they always treated me like some unimportant background character! Never took me for full when I was right in front of them, outright belittling me like some boy that was caught with his hand in the cookie jar and not like some fearful awe-inspiring pirate! But that of course changed as soon as I wasn’t completely helpless before them. Then they would hunt me down.

They, or at least Celestia, would also do the same then I slipped on a cake. She was furious back then! God, these mares seriously need to relax some more. Especially Diabetes Queen Cake Butt! I probably saved her fat rump from gaining some pounds!

Heh. That’s a good one.

Oh well, at least considering that here are no cakes to slip on, fall into, or to destroy in any kind or way. I also doubt they told the afterworld about my own greatness!

Hm, seems like the bug was muttering something. And I heard a very special word in it!

“-Celestia’s most precious treasure. Can this really work?”

My treasure senses are tingling!

I knew all the nervous talk had some meaning to it! I was in the treasure business for quite some time after all. And this bug here definitely was acting rather suspicious from the beginning.

Now the bug seemed to fill the content of the small chest into a brown sack. Huh, would make sense to try and make it seem less valuable. I also got a glimpse on Celestia’s ‘Most Precious Treasure’. Interestingly enough it were a crown and some necklaces. I never thought that she would be into such tacky looking trinkets. But then again she was always wearing this massive gold necklace around her neck. So what did I expect?

It always made me wonder what exactly she tried to compensate for. I mean, if she was a stallion I would know. Maybe it’s because all the cake is landing in her rump and not in her rather average cup size. Heh. That’s actually a rather funny thought.

Anyway, after the bug suddenly buried the brown sack under a bit of coins he seemed his job done and smiled at his work, sure that no one will find Celestia’s treasure.

One wouldn’t believe the shit-eating grin I had as the bug left in a chipper mood. I couldn’t help it seeing how I could now easily get my hands on these trinkets as revenge for the Royal Butts that were always gloating towards my prone form. This is definitely a glorious day!

All I have to do is wait and occasionally push against the barrier of gold and then the treasure will be mine! BWAHAHAHHAHAHAA!

Time ticked by. Tick, tock. And all I could really do was stare at the sack of these oh so mysterious treasure trinkets the bug was hiding among the coins and gems. The bit of brown that poked out was enough to make my senses continuously tingle as I tried to push against my prison to finally get to it.

Of course even after an eternity of trying the gold was unrelenting.

*Sigh* And here I thought I might actually make it.

Was I really damned to an existence in gold for all eternity?

At least that’s what I thought before suddenly a huge shockwave erupted. A shockwave of magic I assume that washed right over me and ripped over my very being. Immediately a warm feeling filled my heart as I instantly fell back into nostalgia of better treasure-filled times. But before I could indulge said nostalgia I could feel a difference in my prison.

A crack.

A crack that was widening and traveling along my body.

The walls were weakening!

Now with all the incentive of a starving lion craving for a nice steak I pushed. Damn, could I use some steak right now. But first things first.

Come on! Heave-ho!

And then suddenly I could feel my fingers twitch.

That’s right! Move! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA! I bellowed out in confidence as my joints cracked with the now newly found movement as my arm swung around, scattering gold debris everywhere.

My other arm quickly followed, before I stomped out with my two legs and stepped down from my little pedestal.

As soon as I was completely free from my gruesome prison I moved and spat the gold out of my mouth. And yes, no matter how much I love gold and jewels, a thin layer of it in your mouth is not something you would wish on your worst enemy.

…Actually I would, but then again I don’t necessary qualify as a ‘nice guy’.

Anyway I can’t recommend to get stoned or turned to gold with your mouth open. I was gagging as gold was even running down my esophagus.

However, gold was not the only things that I hurled up as something was stuck at the back of my throat. My gagging intensified as I coughed out a…book?

Seriously, she forgot to take that out?

Yes, the Princesses, especially Loony thought it to be funny to actually use my open mouth as a storing space for her stuff. Not only her diary, or her snacks like moon pies (Cake Butt would at least eat them before she got around to it otherwise as she whined that to me one day), but even her pet spiders! And yes they were making cobwebs in my mouth!

And now you probably understand why they would deserve something that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Their cruelty plays in a completely different league.

“I need a drink,” were my first words after I rubbed my neck while still gagging slightly. Too bad I won’t find anything to drink down here. But then again I first have to gather some treasure while I was here!

I all too eagerly looked around, setting my hand on my chin in a thinking pose.

Of course despite my antics it wasn’t hard for me to make my choice in what I would take me. Let’s say if Cakebutt feels really THAT strongly about the little tacky trinkets then that’s what I would take. I took another sack of gold that was in the chamber additionally. This one being big enough that it covered my complete back as I swung it over my shoulder. I even stored the smaller sack in it so as to have a free hand. Just in case I might need one.

“Huff. Quite the weight. At least I’m still in the same physical condition I was frozen in. Would be a pain in the ass if I had to do some training, then again I still would probably need it. Damn alicorns and their self-generating super strength muscles,” I murmured the last part a bit annoyed. Sadly alicorns were even stronger than me if they didn’t do jack shit. Rather unfair, but then again it at least doesn’t stop Cake Butt from gaining weight, albeit it needs more cake to achieve that than a normal mare.

But it didn’t matter as I trudged along the entrance of this chamber and went along the halls going upstairs. I sneaked along, luckily not encountering any guards, confusing me a bit, but I certainly won’t be complaining!

Soon enough I seemed to get back into the main parts of the castle as was indicated by the red carpet and the long and high halls that I was presented with.

I quickly walked down the corridor and around a corner. There was the door to the outside! I’m so close to my escape-

“There you are!”

And then my world turned pink.

Meeting Pink ...Sugar Incarnate, don't question it

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The world is a rather big place. Anthro ponies, griffins, minotaurs and all kinds of different creatures live on it in a wide variety of colors, names and…personalities. Some more, let’s say…peculiar or downright bad-shit crazy than others. Though peculiar might be a bit of a too nice word for what was standing before me. Because before me stood diabetes and sugar incarnate.

Or that’s the vibe she gave me.

First off she was completely pink. Yes. Pink. Coat and mane. Mane slightly darker. She was reeking of sugar and…cotton candy. She was slightly pudgy. Not too much as to look unattractive and it was only slightly over the average weight meaning she was just as healthy as a normal person…I think. It seemed like just the right amount to underline her sugary character. Furthermore her entire body was bouncing in place which was a bit distracting considering how her, ahem, rather generous assets happily bounced along on the ride, making me wonder if she was childishly unaware of it or just a big fucking tease. Anyway the hyperactivity was further indication of her oversugared self. Her teeth were pearlwhite though, which was confusing and contradicting all the same. Her clothes were casual as well as formal and sugar-themed. I mean it was a blue-white dress…thing with candy decorations. Or at least it looked like it. Anyway, the probably biggest hint about her having too much sweets was her talking, or what was considered talking but was more like her stringing together line after line of random words. I tuned her out after the first three honestly and was simply now staring at her…bouncing.

“-and so Ponyville was saved! We don’t talk about the noodle incident anymore though and decided to just eat hayfries instead!”

“Wait, what?” I asked dumbly not understanding this bubbly sugar incarnate.

“I was saying: There you are! I mean, I was looking for you all over the place! *GASP* But don’t think you will get out of trouble mister! After all you are late!”

She put her hands on her hips giving me some kind of cute pout.

“Uh… Late for what?”

“The wedding, duh! I mean, this has to be the bestest wedding in all of wedding history! You can’t just be late for it!”

I eyed the mare warily, still trying to figure out what exactly she was trying to say, or expected me to do. This confusing development might still be better though than the alternative, which would be for her to call the guards to arrest me. Of course I tried to coax the information of who she thought I was out of her.

“…So what exactly do you need me for again?”

“I hired a clown! A CLOWN! Have you ever been on a GOOD wedding without one?” I was about to answer, but she quickly continued, “I mean, clowns bring laughs and fun to every party so it is a super-duper must for the wedding! And- hey! Are you trying to distract me!”

“No, no!” I quickly waved her off, but she didn’t seem convinced.

“Where were you anyway?! You are like sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo late!”

Cover story, think quick!

“I just, uh, I just got lost! Yeah! I mean, this place is quite big so does it really seem strange to get lost here?”

The pink pony rubbed her chin in contemplation before putting up a smile.

“Ooh! That makes so much sense now! Anyway, I’m Pinkie Pie! The pony that hired you!”

I sighed in relief internally as I puffed my chest out, before remembering that I probably can’t use my own name. But then again, it has been so many years that not a single person should remember me, besides the Royal Butts of course, though I haven’t seen them visiting me for a really long time so they might have forgotten about me?

Deciding to take the risk I used my normal name. Or more precisely the name I decided to go by a long time ago.

“You can call me Captain Buggy!” I proudly exclaimed.

“Ooh! Does this mean you have an airship?”

“I did once,“ I said in a forlorn voice.

“There, there,” she said while patting me on my back trying to cheer me up, “Can’t have you all frowny for the wedding but then again…” she said as she started to rub her chin with her hand as she eyed me suspiciously, “Why are you always frowning anyway? I mean I have only seen you smile once while you introduced yourself! All the other times you were wearing frowny frowns… Are you really a clown? Or…”

I need to think about something or my cover is blown!

“You see, uh…that’s, uh…to help to better understand the ones I’m supposed to cheer up, yeah! How can you cheer up someone with a frown on his face, if you don’t understand the very nature of frowning! Only if you truly understand the frown, you will be able to banish it!”

Her lips suddenly formed in a big O of understanding. “Oh! That’s so deep!” she chirped enthusiastically.

I can’t believe she bought that! She really seems to be every part of an idiot and airhead as she looks!

She even then tried to frown herself, but her face muscles were obviously quivering under the strain of this for her seemingly strange expression.

“T-This is h-hard,” she gritted out in clear effort, before her face got back into what I assume was her usual smile. But her hair seemed somehow…less fluffy for reasons that I won’t even try to comprehend, lest I harm my own sanity any more than the 1000 years as a gold statue did. Anyway she seemed clearly disappointed by her lack to pull off a frown over longer periods of time.

“Meh, no need to overwork yourself. You learn it over time,” I reassured her with a quick pat on the head, which made her…purr? She even leaned into my hand as her mane regained the fluff it lost prior.

I quickly pulled my hand away, and she reacted with a half-lidded pout directed at me. I simply shook my head.

“Shouldn’t we go to this…wedding?” I asked hesitantly.

“*GASP* You are right!” she said while holding both of her hands on her cheeks in shock, before she grasped my free hand and tugged me along.

Or at least that was the plan until a loud shout echoed through the halls.

“WE FINALLY HAVE FOUND THEE!”

I instantly cringed at the loud volume as well as the all too familiar voice of the scream as I looked towards the source.

Directly down the hall stood none other than Loony herself! And she was accompanied by five other determined looking mares.

“H-How did they find me so quick?” I wondered out loud as I looked at the arriving mares.

Save the Cake ...Seriously, why is she so obsessed with it?

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~5 to 10 minutes prior~

POV: Celestia

The festivities were going great after the changeling menace was dealt with. Of course there were still ponies a bit tense, but most took this wedding celebration to also celebrate our superiority over the changelings and their invasion that had taken place. Sure, the guard would give chase after them the very next day and a bounty was already placed on Chrysalis head, so that the situation was far from over, but this night was not one for hunting them down like I already said. This was a time to gorge ourselves on our victory.

…And on cake.

I can’t even describe my euphoria at the fact that the wedding cake with its several layers that even dwarfed my own height survived this rather eventful day. But maybe it was a sign that we managed to get through any foe we needed to face and are allowed some rest and peace (also piece in case of the cake). After my sisters return, Discord and now Chrysalis a break sounded just about delightful.

Not to mention that I really hoped no pony would mention my loss at the hands of this bug queen. So less challenges that can embarrass me would really be a boon. But I had a good feeling. This cake was proof for better times and as long as it will stand I’m sure everything in the future will go just as planned! Together the cake and I can face any difficulties and inconveniencies the world can throw at us!

Certainly nothing can go wro-

At that exact moment my villain senses were tingling.

Well, it was more the silent alarm I placed on the treasury in case the magical signature of a creature wouldn’t fit any of the ones that were allowed inside.

It was a rather useful spell since it was advanced enough for me to get sent a mental picture, a photograph of sorts, before my minds eye. However what I saw made my mouth drop open in shock as my eyes turned to pinpricks.

Why has he to be freed?! Especially why has he now to be freed?!

A groan escaped my lips, making some of my ponies look at me worriedly. I sent them a placating smile as I reigned my emotions in. I can’t have a panic after the invasion. I needed to take care of him swiftly, before any damage can be done.

I quickly charged my horn with a detection spell to pinpoint Twilight’s position. It was easy enough and she was nearby. I trotted up to her, before nodding behind the cake, to make her understand I needed to have a private conversation with her. She was surprised but understood. Soon enough we were standing behind the cake, giving us a bit of privacy and Twilight started for my explanation.

I set on a serious expression as I faced my most faithful student.

“Twilight, it seems a new threat has surfaced.”

“A-Already?”

I nodded grimly.

“It is Buggy, the Clown.”

Twilight gasped in shock, surely reminiscing all the stories I told her about this rather annoying foe of mine.

“Y-You mean, the one from your s-stories?” I nodded, “T-The one w-w-who burned an entire… l-library down?”

…

…And I rolled my eyes.

Of course that was what she would remember from my stories.

“Focus Twilight,” I softly chided her, gaining her attention once again, “More importantly is that his crimes against the holiness of cake are numerous!”

…

…Did Twilight just roll her eyes at me?

I shook my head. That wasn’t important!

“Twilight I will need you to apprehend Buggy, and that without raising any alarms from the other guests.”

“What about my brother and Cadance?”

“They must under no circumstances learn about this! You know your brother, he would storm after him immediately and completely neglect his own wedding and even possibly postpone his honeymoon. And how I know Cadance, she would be understanding of his actions. We should let them have their day.”

Twilight of course saw the point I was making and nodded in understanding.

Good, now that that is out of the way…

“GUARDS!” I called to two nearby standing stallions, “I want you to guard this cake! Defend it with your lifes if you must! I’m not going to have this joke violate any more cake if I have a say in this!”

“W-What about the library?!” Twilight sputtered pleadingly.

“We don’t have any time! The guards posted there have to be enough. Buggy won’t get through them.”

“What doth we hear there? Buggy is on the loose?” an all too familiar voice was stating.

I couldn’t help but groan at my bad luck, honestly wishing that there was a possibility to somehow gain Buggy’s infamous luck to avoid such situations as the one I found myself in now. I swiftly turned around to face my sister.

“No Luna. The girls can handle this.”

“Surely you jest, sister!

“Really Luna. You don’t need to go on the hunt.”

Luna simply snorted dismissively.

“Dost thou truly think we would miss an opportunity like this?”

No, you wouldn’t.

I couldn’t help but sigh. Once she got something stuck in her head… Not to mention that she was always persisting about fighting crime herself. Especially when it came to Buggy…

“…Fine. But please don’t play with him too much. I remember the last time your own playfulness led to his escape.”

Little Lulu of course turned a cute shade of pink that made me smirk as she grinned nervously at me.

“Yes sister. We will make sure it won’t happen again.”

I nodded in approval before turning back to my faithful student.

“Twilight, you need to gather your friends immediately and follow Luna to help her in aiding the capture of that criminal.”

“I-,” she started to hyperventilate until she thankfully used Cadance breathing technique to calm herself down, “Yes, princess.”

I nodded in approval before I sent them both off.

Of course some might wonder now why I didn’t follow them. Why I didn’t aid them in their battle against this criminal.

Well… I honestly didn’t want to stretch my luck after my embarrassing defeat by the hands of Chrysalis. Granted that Buggy was a weakling, but he was a lucky weakling. The feats he actually managed to pull off thanks to his like he called it ‘Pirate Luck’ were much too admirable for the likes of him. And if he somehow managed to call upon this while facing me… Let’s say losing against Chrysalis would be the last of my worries. If I somehow lost against him, no matter the circumstances… Luna definitely wouldn’t let me live that down. Ever.

And besides somepony has to look out for the cake…right?

Meeting Loony ...And the nickname is not just for show

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I had no idea how they had done it, but let’s just say as Loony was baring her feral sadistic grin at me. Of course I knew that figuring out how they found me so fast was the least of my troubles. I mean just look at her! Look at her grin! Hers was a look of a sadistic madness-infested filly that finally got her favorite toy back! And hell no, I’m not exaggerating on this one!

“Oh, Buggy!” she all too happily sung in a rather creepy singsong voice. My whole body couldn’t help but shudder as she cantered ever closer with a spring in her step. She had both her arms behind her back, but that didn’t really conceal the huge and deadly battle axe that she was dragging behind her. It was gleaming in the light of the hall, showing me that she must have polished it to peak condition just for this moment.

I gulped audibly as I took a cautious step back.

“Nope. I’m definitely not dealing with this shit now… or ever.”

Loony of course only giggled amusedly at my plight, playing with me as if I was nothing but mere prey.

“Don’t be like that! Thou art a clown. Art thou not? So amuse thy princess!”

It was then that I took a look at the flock of candy-colored equines that were following Loony. All mares in different as well as rather striking color palettes. It made me wonder if they were some higher-ups from the Royal Guard. Not that it mattered much since with Loony here a fight wasn’t a smart thing to do.

In any way, said mares were just stepping beside Loony while looking determined for a fight.

“Pinkie! Get away from him! He is an infamous pirate!” Purple said, which actually made my chest puff out in pride.

A smug smirk crossed my features.

And here I thought they had already forgotten me!

The pink annoyance, also known as Pinkie, meanwhile only giggled.

“Don’t be silly, Twilight! He is a clown! Can’t you see his funny red nose!”

My fist clenched and my eye couldn’t help but twitch.

“WHO DO YOU CALL A FUNNY RED NOSE?!” I angrily demanded, only for her to calmly turn her head towards me and DARED to point her finger at me...and then boop me on my nose, while cocking her head to the side with an innocent smile.

“You, silly!”

A vein twitched on my head as I stomped on the ground.

“Listen here! My nose is not funny! It strikes fear in all those I rob!” I loudly declare.

Some might probably question my aggression towards that for them meek insult, but let’s just say that my nose is a rather sore topic. I heard enough of this ‘funny red nose’ jokes from a cabin boy with whom I was hiring together on a ship when I first came to this place.

...

…Wait.

…Did I just admit that I’m a pirate?

“I knew it!” Rainbow mare flew forward pointing accusingly at me.

I grinned at this foolish pony as she came in my attack range. It would be easy to simply wound this reckless mare and then use this as a distraction to flee!

With that I quickly tapped my foot on the carpeted floor.

…

I tapped again.

…

And again.

…

And again, and again, and again!

Why doesn’t come that damn blade out of my shoe?!

Cruel giggles made me look up and what I saw was not something I liked. Loony was smirking at me with an air of conceit around her.

“What didst thou think? That we wouldn’t dismantle thou of thine weapons?”

I looked back at my foot, when looked for the knifes in my sleeves and mantle, all gone. I really had no weapons left. My gaze then met the one of a still smug looking Loony, as well as the cautious look of the other mares as we suddenly engaged in a staring contest. It was really all I could do as I tried to come up with a new plan.

We stared each other for a moment longer, sweat running down my brow as all of my muscles tensed.

“Oh well… If you would excuse me!” I started to say as I wanted to turn around, but Luna was faster. She swung her toned arm flinging that huge battle axe of hers right at me. I could only stare in open-mouthed shock as it neared my neck, before clearly cutting through it and decapitating me.

Loony meanwhile clapped her hands in obvious psychopathic child-like delight. Her eyes sparkling, which would have been cute if it wasn’t for the fact that her eyes only did that while mutilating me.

“Huzzah! 100 points for the head!”

Behind Princess Loony Buttery as well as Pishposh fainted. Orange and Rainbow on the other hand turned green, and were gagging, almost as if they had a contest of who could hold the contents of their stomachs down. Purple just stood there, seemingly having entered a stage of shock. And the pink one beside me… was happily humming the tune of the first One Piece Opening.

…Yeah, I’m definitely not going to question that.

I reattach my head, earning several gasps from the mares that are still conscious, while Loony’s feral grin only widened.

Yeah, that’s my cue to make a great escape!

With all the elegance I could muster, and definitely not screaming like a girl as I dodged another axe throw I fled down the corridor and directly to a window. Said window being broken as the axe that failed to hit me shattered it.

With a perfect escape route in mind I jumped out… only to seconds later realize that I was a bit high off the ground. The weight of my large sack of gold and jewelry betrayed me and started to mercilessly pull me down.

I barely noticed a pink blur following me with a jump and an excited, high-pitched sounding ‘wee’, as I fell to my demise.

„WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!“ I screamed as I fell to my doom. Yeah, Captain Buggy dies by jumping out a window located on the highest spot in the damn castle. Never thought I would go that way.

Also did you ever hear about that crap that your life would flash before your eyes when you were about to die? Well, mine did. I remembered how I first arrived here, meeting Loony and Cake Butt. I remembered how I escaped them, and how after that she took me in. Heh. That crazy mother horse. The crew I was a part of before I became the great captain I was now. We really had quite the crazy ride. Still want to strangle the hell out of Goatee though. That jerk sold me out to the Royal Butts. Ah well, maybe I will meet him in hell to do that? That would be ni-

My thoughts were interrupted as I landed in something soft and…sticky? My vision seemed to be completely taken from me as it was like I was diving in a pool of stickiness in a way. I quickly stood up, breaking the surface and taking a deep breath.

It took me all but three seconds to wipe my eyes from whatever softened my landing and then realize that I was still alive. Sure, I probably should have seen it coming, Buggy’s Infamous Pirate Luck and all, but it still takes me by surprise time and time again.

With that I threw my hands up in clear invigoration of this lucky turn of events.

“I’m still ALIVE! Hah! That’s what I call Captain Buggy’s Infamous Pirate Luck! Nothing can stop me now, ‘cause I AM the Great Captain Buggy! WAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!”

Unfortunately I failed to notice a specific horse behind me…

“Hello, Buggy,” the horse said, with a voice as cold and malicious as the breath of a windigo which is kind of ironic if you think about who it was coming from.

I then looked around noticing what exactly had dampened my fall. This being…a cake.

I couldn’t help the incoming facepalm as I groaned loudly. Already I could feel good old Cake Butt starting to heat up behind me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me…“

Making a Flashy Escape ...Or not - Part 1

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There are a few unspoken laws between pirates like don’t rob an orphanage, or don’t make fun or/and provoke dragons. Not to mention to never sit on a pirates face. And also don’t mess with self-titled deities if they can back up their claim with raw strength and/or magical might.

But the most important rule of all is: Don’t, and under no circumstances, mess with Celestia’s cake!

Just don’t. Trust me on this one.

Also don’t call her fat. She is sensitive in that regard too. Well, in the violent sense of sensitive at least. You know, the ‘I’m gonna smack your face against the mountainside repeatedly’ one?

Heh. Glad it wasn’t me who had to deal with that.

Anyway, the problem here is of course that my infamous pirate luck seems to exclude that specific cake rule, making me the target of hatred for Princess Cake Butt. Seriously, it’s like a giant cosmic joke. A running gag for the both of us which I would find actually funny if it didn’t lead to me being chased by a mad self-proclaimed goddess afterwards.

Though something good about this situation is that you at least could always measure her rage on her appearance. A mad face was really the lowest, so you were pretty safe if she did that. After that came frazzled mane, followed by smoking mane, up to flaming mane, to the last and most deadly stage, magma body. Worst of all, this was NATURAL for her, just like a magma bath for dragons. She didn’t even eat a devil fruit for these powers, which is kind of cheating if you think about it. I mean, she could still swim around in the sea. Not that her fat ass would ever do exercises. Then again fat swims up, so she doesn’t need the exercise to stay afloat.

But back to the situation at hand. I personally jumped slightly, turning around to face the hateful glare of my imminent doom and the last mare I wanted to see right now. Her mane was flaming, meaning I was rather high on the ‘I’m totally fucked’ scale.

“C-Celestia,” I greeted nervously, holding back on the nickname just so she at least wouldn’t enter the Magma Stage.

“Buggy,” she greeted again, still holding that cold tone of voice, “It seems that my sister failed in apprehending you.”

“Oh you know us pirates, we are a pretty slippery bunch, he, he.”

She shook her head before letting out a sigh. Don’t let that calm demeanor fool you though, she was internally raging, just like her mane and tail suggested.

“You are, but it doesn’t matter. I will just take care of you myself.”

With that said she magiced her large golden warhammer right to her side.

Damn, I hate that thing.

That’s why I always rather faced Luna despite her being completely cray-cray! I mean, stick and stones may break my bones, but after being hit with THAT thing there is no bone left to break! At least that psychopath of her moon sister never really harmed me!

…Much.

Though that always makes me wonder if both sisters have to compensate for something since they both are using such large weapons. Well, I guess Celestia is pretty flat compared to others and could use some more in the chest department. So compensating much?

Luna on the other hand was always the one with the rack and the curvaceous body. So she had definitely no reason for compensation in that regard.

I quickly shook my head.

Nope. Not thinking about her like that. The last thing I need is another drinking incident. Also is that a hammer swinging towards me?

I honestly should have seen this coming, Cake Butt was never that patient. Or at least never near me. But still I could only stare dumbly at the massive golden warhammer that was about to hit me hard. No doubt this is something I would still feel tomorrow, at least if I survive the day.

But before the hammer could actually do its duty to show me a world of pain I was tackled by a pink blur, which shoved me out of the way just as the hammer was about to hit me, but still managed to pound my sack of gold instead.

Said sack was ripped out of my hand by the sheer force as I simply fell with an ‘oomph’ hardly registering what was happening.

I looked down on me as I laid now in the smeary remains of the cake, a pink mare clinging to my chest.

“That was FUN!” the pink maniac said as she cuddled closer giggling hysterically.

I was simply confused, which quickly was replaced by disbelief as I realized that this lunatic actually jumped out of the window after me as her completely cake-coated self suggested.

I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable by this curved mares hug as she practically squeezed her chest against me. Not mentioning that her clothes are soaked with cake. This position could be interpreted in a rather ambiguous light. Of course I also realized that I probably shouldn’t complain considering she just saved me, although that probably can be attributed to my pirate luck, but in any case it still doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Ugh, I never got around to accepting the way these things look. Sure, I got used to it, and could even call some of them attractive, but it still was weird for me sometimes when my thoughts drifted to stuff like romance. Someone can’t just switch off ones own culture which states that humans and horses should not fuck around. Literally.

A distinct cling of coins then drew my attention then and I looked over to the torn sack of flashy gold that was obliterated by the golden warhammer.

I couldn’t help the small tear that run down from one of my eyes at seeing such precious treasure violated in such an unholy way.

Fortunately I also noticed the smaller bag with Celestia’s treasure lying on the ground. The crown was slightly peaking out of it.

With all strength I could muster I pried Pinkie off of me.

…Which didn’t work. So I simply moved to the bag with her still attached to me.

…Yeah, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe my day.

I quickly scooped the small bag up and dumped the crown that fell out of it back into it again, before facing Cake Butt once more. Her eyes were wide and she seemed quite baffled. If it was from the treasure I held or the pink mare clinging to me and cuddling my side, I didn’t know.

“Those are the Elements!” she stated shocked, which pretty much answered my question prior. But it also made me grin as I simply did my best to revel in her face that was frozen in terror, while ignoring the mare clinging to my body.

At least something that was going right!

“So you know these little trinkets?” I taunted her, “Well too bad! They belong to me now!”

“You do not know powers they possess. Hand them back to me immediately!” she said with steely conviction, before her eyes became doubtful as she looked down at the pink mare, “…Also would you release Pinkie?”

“Um, sure,” I simply said trying to pry her off me again, while at the same time thinking on how to flee from this sun controlling maniac.

An idea flashed before my mind. An idea consisting out of four wheels driving me straight to freedom. But of course I didn’t have these parts for my escape plan near, neither knew I where they were, or if they even were still around.

I couldn’t help but sigh, “I wish I had my Buggy Car parts.”

However, much to my surprise Pinkie chuckled as she let go off me and looked me into my eyes while fumbling with her mane, “Oh silly. Just ask and you shall receive!”

And then…she pulled the parts for my flashy escape out of her huge fluffy mane. Yep, all two heavy parts for my impromptu cart.

…I’m not going to question that.

Instead I simply smiled widely as I examined the parts.

“Time for a flashy escape!” I exclaimed as I broke my body apart and reassembled it around the two axles with their wheels, creating an impromptu cart.

“Chop-Chop Buggy! Bomb engine, ignite!” I screamed out making the exhaust pipe of the lower axle send out a puff of smoke as I drove with my invented cart.

“GUARDS! CAPTURE HIM!” I heard Cake Butt scream. But I simply ignored the guards that were trying to stop me. I simply bowled all of them on my way over, while at the same time, holding onto the small sack with the treasure. I managed to make some serious headway, but could also hear the floor cracking as obviously the overweight Princess was following me with heavy as well as violent steps.

I simply drove further and further, until I noticed that I was driving directly into the abyss! An edge directly where the platform ended!

Luckily I recognized it in time and immediately tried to stop. I disassembled my body, letting the parts roll with full force over the cliff, while my body tried to stop its running motion after it reassembled itself. I managed to stop just as I was one step away from my doom.

However, my momentum was causing me some trouble, making my whole body dangerously dangle over the edge as my balance seemed to be screwed from the abrupt stop.

I waved my hands around trying to regain my balance and thankfully managing it. I could only sigh in relief, before I leaned over the edge to look down again, only seeing a far far away ground, as well as the side of the mountain which reached down to the bottom.

“What the-?! Seriously?! Who built this crazy town!”

“It is over Buggy. You have nowhere left to run.”

I turned back, facing an unamused Princess, albeit her flaming mane had toned down, looking now almost serene in its appearance as it slowly waved in a nonexistent wind.

“I honestly should have seen this coming. Only you would built a town at the side of a mountain without considering how completely nuts that very concept is.”

“Don’t try to divert my attention Buggy. It won’t work. I’m not as easily distracted as my sister.”

I honestly wanted to protest. After all I could bet a cake would be enough distraction, but then again…sore topic right now, so I better spare that for later.

Cake Butt seemed to take my silence as a permission or at least encouragement to go on.

“Just give up and hand over the Elements. I might even consider to only put you on Level 1 of Tartarus if you do. Or would you really prefer a hell like level 4, or even 5?” she put a hand on her chin, as a devilish grin came across her face, it made her whole face scrunch up in the most ugly way possible, making her look 10000 years older, like she had wrinkles, “You know, I think I could use another lawn ornament, now that Discord managed to escape. So the choice is yours. Either Tartarus Level 1 for the rest of your life or lawn ornament for all eternity.”

“Discord?” I only mumbled in thought, quite surprised to hear that he is still alive and seemingly around.

A stomp from Cake Butt’s hooves, since anthro ponies strangly have hooves instead of feet brought me out of my thoughts. She had crossed her arms under her below average rack and looked at me impatiently.

“Choose, and then hand over the Elements.”

Geeze. Not in a chatty mood, is she?

Of course neither of her so called ‘options’ seem to be acceptable. I didn’t want to spend eternity like I did the last who-knows-how-long years after just breaking out. But spending the rest of my life in Tartarus was even less of an option. So, I somehow need to find a way for a flashy escape plan which ends with me still being mostly alive.

Hm…

“HUZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” I suddenly heard a nearing scream. I turned my head just in time to see an axe sailing towards me. I couldn’t dodge in time as it cut directly through my neck yet again before it disappeared past the cliff.

Only seconds later an all too familiar alicorn touched down next to her sister cheering.

“We still got it, is what modern ponies say, isn’t it!” she asked in a jovial voice.

I personally became rather fed up with being Loony’s plaything, and was sure to vocalize this very thought.

“Bah! Really? Is that all you got?!” my floating head taunted, “Too bad! Because I’m still he-“

It was then that I noticed my body staggering from the force of the blow. I concentrated on my feet, swinging my arms of my body around to regain balance but in the end it was too late and I could do nothing to stop my entire body from falling backwards off the cliff.

I could only look dumbly after my body as it fell off the cliff. Fear quickly gripped my heart as I felt the distinctive sensation of a pull tearing at my head, wanting me to get back in the range of my body.

“Wha- N-No!” I said panicking as I tried to fight against the powerful pull. But it was much too strong. In the end I could only look in terror at the two who sealed my fate.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“ I screamed as the wind dragged past me towards my body and towards my demise for a second time that day.

I could barely see Loony rub the back of her head in embarrassment as she turned to her sister.

“Um, oops?”

Making a Flashy Escape ...Or not - Part 2

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POV: Celestia

I simply stared, not believing what just happened. Buggy the Clown, Infamous Pirate, and Bane of all things Cake just fell off the edge of Canterlot. He is just… gone. Such an integral part of my life, gone. I will never see him and his red nose again. Never hear his loud and boisterous laughter or be interrupted while gorging myself on cake. Just how do I feel about this?

…

Good riddance!

I couldn’t help the dopey grin that formed on my face. Neither could I help the few dumb giggles that escaped me, “He he he he he,” which might have sounded the tiniest bit creepy to the nearest standing guards, while my sister looked at me oddly.

But what did I care! No more fear of cake assaults! No more obnoxious laughter! I was finally free!

“Well that takes care of that problem,” I simply stated, trying to sound as calm and indifferent as I could, but it still didn’t stop the cheerful tone that definitely broke through at this greatest day of my life. I mean, this was even better than when we found him as a gold statue!

I turned around to one of my loyal guards, “Be sure to secure the Elements from what is left of this pirate. There is no need to retrieve the corpse…just make sure you actually find the corpse to confirm that he really died,” I said the last part with a slight frown.

I honestly still expected him to somehow survive a fall off the side of a mountain.

I shook my head in amusement.

This is so silly of me. Of course he is gone.

With a content sigh I grinned again as I turned back to the cliff. Maybe I should make a cake memorial here to celebrate the end of this cake abuser. Maybe even a cake festival? That would be fun. I let my eyes drift over the cliff determining one thing with certainty:

Yup, it is most definitely and with absolute certainty the end of Buggy the Clo-

Just in that moment an airship started to hover into my line of sight. On it stood a slightly confused, but then smugly grinning all too familiar pirate captain…

My eye twitched.

“OH COME ON!”

Well, I probably should have seen that coming. Infamous Pirate Luck and all, but for me to actually land on an airship? How high were the chances! And the ponies that were on it were already leaving the ship in clear fear and awe of my presence! Life was good.

Also the face Cake Butt was making! Priceless!

“You shouldn’t scrunch your face like that or you get ugly wrinkles!” I joked slash taunted, making her frown in clear annoyance. I then noticed Loony, as well as my other pursuers who seemed to have arrived after my fall looking off the edge and down to me, all not seeming happy with my escape (well if you discount the pink maniac who was still smiling and even waving happily at me). Not that I cared. This actually even gave me the opportunity for a flashy line I always wanted to say. I was rather giddy at the thought!

I coughed into my fist, making sure all the attention was on me.

“Royal Butts,” I mock-bowed with a flourish, making Cake’s eye twitch, “You will always remember this as the day you almost caught the great Captain Buggy, wahahahahahaha-”

*CRASH*

“Wait, what are these noises?” I wondered out loud.

*CRACK*

*THUMP*

Sounds of stuff breaking reached my ears, making me a tad nervous as I looked around the ship.

It was then that I noticed the gaping hole that went through the balloon as well as through the deck below. I saw a very specific axe shimmering in said hole. An axe which I remembered was sailing off the cliff before I fell down said cliff.

I also noticed the ponies using the small mini-airships to evacuate themselves and leaving the sinking ship. And they were using all the airships. Not that I was baffled by this, seeing how these ponies looked like some arrogant noble folk. I probably disturbed their little get together. Seriously, guys like that should stay on the ground. Though I had more pressing matters. Namely the one of a seemingly strongly damaged airship.

I put my hand at my chin.

“Well, it’s sinking slowly so maybe I can make a crash landing that will leave me unharmed.”

*CRACK*

Just as if Murphy was getting off at seeing me struggle I could hear and see the ship visibly straining as from the hole in the ground the deck seemed to be cracking.

*CRACK*

More cracks followed and those were moving further along, even as far as slowly cracking up the outer shell! The whole thing was cracking and moaning under the power of this devastating blow. It was quite clear to me what just happens right now.

The damn ship was breaking apart with me still on it!

It gave one last crack, before it was split in the middle and I started to hold on for dear life as the back half on which I was fell back from the front and started to fall down.

“DAMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-“ I screamed as the airship, or a part of it, swiftly descended downwards and directly in the direction of an eerily looking forest. I could only hope it would soften the fall, but with my luck I honestly doubt that. My Infamous Pirate Luck only protects me from crippling and death after all. And right now I wasn’t sure if I liked the sound of that.

POV: Celestia

We all stared after Buggy as his ship crashed down into the Everfree Forest.

The situation seemed so incomprehensible and ridiculous. Just as I thought I was rid of him he was saved by his rotten luck, only to then fall to his death again! Only this time I highly doubted it would happen.

Nope, not getting my hopes up again. I know better than that!

I took solace in the fact that everypony around me seemed equally stunned by what had transpired. It actually took a minute before the silence was broken.

“…Well, that happened,” Twilight offered in a neutral tone.

“Tis did,” my sister agreed.

“…So, what happens now?” asked the timid Element of Kindness, her eyes flitting to and fro in uncertainty.

“Now we go on the hunt,” I stated as I turned to the guard on my left.

“Leaf Shield?”

“Yes your majesty?”

“I want a bounty placed this very moment on Buggy’s head! 30,000 bits! Alive! Give information to all nearby bounty hunters.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Good. Hammerhead,” I turned my head to the guard on my right, “I want you to ready a squad of guards roaming the Everfree for him. We can’t allow any mistakes! We need to apprehend him immediately!”

“Didst thou not say that we were going on the hunt?” my sister asked perplexed.

“Luna, by all what is holy, screw duties. I need a bucking drink right now.”

Luna actually giggled cockily at me.

“Well, we could give him a day headstart. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair for our dear Captain, no?”

POV: ???

My ears swiveled in interest at what I had just heard. Sure, I wasn’t invited to the wedding, and only came here because of the grub, but the information that I got instead was worth gold.

“30,000 bits, huh?” I mused as a cocky grin spread across my muzzle.

It sounded like easily earned money. I mean, seriously? A clown? I was a well-known bounty hunter. I was dealing with worse stuff on a daily basis.

I stretched my arms and wings a bit as I moved away from the now hectic party as guards were running around, fulfilling their orders. It seems this headstart of mine wouldn’t hold for long. Kind of a pity since I wanted to relax, but no rest for the wicked.

With that I decided to not lose any more time and spread my wings and took to the air, determined to find him and cash the money before the guards or any rookie bounty hunter could.

The hunt had begun.

Reminiscing ...I had a rather wild start, hadn't I?

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Hurt. Pain. Agony.

Not to mention the disgusting feeling of cake on the entirety of my body and clothes combined with the dirt, twigs and leaves from the crash.

That’s pretty much how I felt after the ship came down.

Like predicted I was unharmed in the crippling sense of the word, but that didn’t stop the bruises and cuts from the crash into this dark forest.

On the plus side, I still have the treasure with me, even as I limp my sore body away from Canterlot. A bed sounds heavenly right about now, but I know I will need to at least make some headway before I even think about a break. Not to mention that I would also need a shower before that. I don’t think I can rest like I am now. Though sadly it is an all too familiar feeling…

Honestly, this whole day reminded me of how I first got here. Or should I say fiasco? However, my situation at least was better back then after I made it out of the castle of these two. Not like now, where I’m trudging along, desperately trying to get away before the guards can get to me.

Funny fact is that the guards could be considered the One Piece equivalent to the Marine. They have many rank equivalents too. Admirals for example. Only I normally never had to deal with those, seeing as Loony often wanted to hunt me down herself. Not to mention they didn’t have devil fruit powers. Of course for all I know things could have changed. Who is to say what the current admirals are like?

Damn, I’m really getting all reminiscing now after being free after an eternity, aren’t I? Well, I guess I could think back on how things all started. It’s not like I have anything other left to do.

A long time ago…

„WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!“ I couldn’t help but scream, not comprehending what was happening to me. Was it really asked too much to buy a simple devil fruit on a convention? Then again, why exactly did I buy a fruit that existed only in Anime? I must have been crazy for not to be wary of that deal!

Well, no matter what was going on, I couldn’t really do more than scream as I continued to fall into this seemingly never ending vortex, cursing Murphy for giving me such bad luck.

Sometimes I really wished I could possess Captain Buggy’s Infamous Pirate Luck. That would be just what I needed. A bit of luck to stop this maddening fall in a soft non-deadly way. Was that too much to ask for?

Before I could think further I dived into a soft as well as sticky substance. Muffled shouts of shock and surprise reaching my ears. I had enough survival instinct in me left to break the surface of this damp and sticky prison for breath, before wiping my eyes.

As my sight was cleared I found myself in something akin to a throne room. Two thrones on one end in front of me, with two strange beings inside of it. The white one with the fat rump had a rather twitchy eye. I would recommend to euthanize her.

A groan escaped my lips at this uncomfortable feeling of landing in whatever gross substance that is now sticking on my clothes.

“Ugh. God dammit,” I said, before eying the both beings in front of me, as my brain slowly started to restart for a suitable response, “Fat horses?”

While the white one reeled back on her throne and blushed as if struck, the smaller one of the two scowled at me. Hatred filling her eyes as she suddenly stood up – on two legs I might add – as she stepped towards me. She looked almost human. Or more like a creepy human-horse crossbreed. They also somehow looked a bit teenage. Though I will admit blue was generously gifted in the chest area for her age it seemed. Something that can’t be said about the flat-chested white one.

A flash of light left me dumbstruck as suddenly a giant battle axe found itself in her tender hands, looking almost comically since the axe seemed almost as big as herself. However, something other drew my attention. Something that still left me baffled. It was just like if she magiced it to her!

Of course I wasn’t dumb and knew magic didn’t exist. Parlor tricks didn’t fool me.

So I scoffed, “Really?” I asked, “I have seen better magic tricks from on a fair.”

Bluey gritted her teeth, before her hand reeled back with the axe behind her.

“OFF WITH THE HEAD!” She screamed enraged as she swung her axe straight at me. I couldn’t even comprehend what was happening as she aimed directly for my neck. Just as it connected with me I seemed to understand that I was in for a beheading. For the end of my life.

I screamed in terror as the axe simply sliced through me, separating my head off my shoulders.

This fucking psycho!

But I didn’t expect what happened next. I was somehow still alive. My head was higher up now, so I knew it wasn’t on its shoulders anymore, but I still was fully conscious and without feeling any pain.

The jaws of the two beings dropped in shock. I tried to turn my head down, to wrap it pretty much around what was happening. And what I saw made me gawk in shock.

Below me was my body standing still. I could feel it. I could move it as indicated as I moved my fingers, and still my head wasn’t connected with it. Instead my neck ended in a child-friendly stump of sorts, seeing as no blood was spewing from it and it simply looked like there was a layer of skin on it. It honestly still was a bit creepy, but also familiar.

That was when it dawned on me. I somehow had gained an impossible ability. The ability of the chop-chop devil fruit!

Admittedly this was rather neat.

…And useful, considering the lunatic with her axe.

Still, I couldn’t hold in the smug grin that spread across my face.

“Surprised?” I taunted, “That’s the power of the chop-chop fruit. Your blades can’t harm me. I’m completely immune to them! Seems like your fat asses can’t do anything!”

Though my cockiness didn’t hold on for long as I suddenly felt a heat to my side as flames danced on the edge of my vision. I turned just to see White Horse being a flaming inferno as her eyes glowed with embers of unbridled fury.

…And some tears leaked from it?

“HOW DARE YOU DESTROY MY CAKE! AND THEN EVEN MOCK US?!”

Her body quickly melted into a glowing lava mass. Waves of steam and heat were wafting from her, making me draw back.

I of course remembered this power. It was the same power of one of the Admirals from One Piece. And a quite fearsome one indeed. Not even Ruffy’s brother could hold himself against such a character. How could I stand up to her then?

So I did the only thing that was logical in my situation… I ran. Right out of the throne doors. Though I could already feel bipedal hoof pairs follow me, as heat started to creep up on me.

I stumbled a bit over the carpet, saving me my live as a swath of lava sailed over me, hitting the wall from the tee junction in front of me and melting it. I could only gulp in fright as I took a hasty right.

‘These horses here are all completely nuts!’ I thought as I ran for my life a lunatic horse and a magma horse right on my heels. Though I was now taking as much turns as I could to hamper their aim.

Both horses seemed to get quite frustrated over this moving through the halls and they made their displeasure quite clear. At least the lunatic one was saying it out loud, while I imagined the magma flat-chest to be simply grunting in displeasure.

“Get back here and face thine punishment like a mare!” the axe lunatic screamed. Not that I paid attention to her call.

“FUCK YOU, YOU TECHNICOLOR LUNATICS! I’M OUT OF HERE!”

And that I was. Another lava attack shot through a window, melting a hole through it. And this was then I took my chance and jumped out. A small bush was dampening my fall, as I now seemed to be in a yard or garden. I could see flowers, neatly cut trees and even a pond.

At that moment curiosity got the better out of me. Not to mention that I wanted to see how messy I looked after diving into a cake. Let’s say running around with this smear was very uncomfortable, and maybe I could just dive in real quick to clean it. So to hell with precaution! A second was all I needed anyway.

With that I quickly neared the pond, shuddering with each step of cake defiled clothes. I then sat down exhausted to look into the pond.

I saw my reflection at that moment. And what I saw stunned me.

This. This was my face. Not my own face, but the face of Buggy, the infamous trickster and Pirate Captain. A younger Buggy I noted. About the one you have seen in past sequences with a young Shanks.

My brain pretty much crashed in shock at this other realization. So I didn’t only have the abilities, but also the look and the body to go with it?

At that moment as I was still rather distracted by my reflection the two horses surrounded me, both seeming to be a bit out of breath as they huffed a little. Whitey noticeably more so than Bluey.

“F-Finally *pant* giving up?” Whitey asked, hatred still clear in her eyes, though her body has reverted back and only her mane was on fire now.

As I looked around I also noticed that quite a few guards there also standing right behind them, making an escape rather impossible for me as I was surrounded. But I still dreaded what they would do to me if I turned myself in. However, if I resisted any more it could only get worse…

With that I was just about to lift my hands in the air as a gesture of surrender when suddenly a huge shadow overshadowed us all. I looked up to see a massive ship, no, a massive airship!

I could only gawk at it in fascination and confusion, at what craziness my life had become, before a obnoxious male voice echoed through the garden.

“Ho ho ho. What do we have here?”

I remember. What a crazy day. And it only started just then. A lot of things happened. I met a lot of people. Some annoying, others obnoxious. To say I lived a wild life back then would be an understatement. But the way I say it sounds like I am an old man, even though I guess I am slowly getting old. Not that I could simply go in pension. I have nothing to support me after all. No treasure. So I will have to go on. Look for the wealth and luxury which is only reserved for snotty nobles. To try and make my own luck in this unlucky situation.

And my own luck demands rest.

Luckily, just as I was thinking about simply climbing up a tree to at least try to get some shut-eye despite my sticky clothes I found a small hut. Well, it was more of a tree constructed into a hut really, with some voodoo mask things. Not that I cared. I simply grinned as I sped up my steps, hoping whoever lived here wouldn’t be one of the unfriendly kind, or worse, psychopaths that lived in the woods sort. Luckily I’m immune to anything sharp that I may be attacked in that case, considering such psychopathic types prefer sharp weapons. Then again… that doesn’t stop Luna from having fun with me…

In any case I found something interesting as I got near. The door seemed to have been rammed open. But it seemed to have been some time since that. The whole place as I walked inside was in disarray. A lot of broken things laying on the ground with upturned chairs, potions, ingredients and even a cauldron. Some dust was already gathering. It seemed abandoned which was pretty lucky for good old me. Though I still wondered what happened here.

Not that it mattered. But this might actually be a place to take a breather and clean myself.

…It might also help in the worst case now that I think about it.

Luckily whoever lived here had a shovel. I needed to make sure I had a trump up my sleeve before anything else. Even if I’m lucky, I’m not sure I might get out of here uncaptured. So I have to hide this treasure. It might help as a bargaining chip if I get captured. But it might also get useful to move faster without it and come back for it at a later date. It’s safety, really. And right now I needed it.

Of course some might question why I need a shovel if I could hide it in that hut, but… that’s too obvious. Not to mention that I’m a pirate. And pirates tend to bury their treasures. So I simply go around the house and bury it at the backside of it. It’s simple but genius at the same time!

Anyway, I grabbed the shovel and already was digging up a hole behind the hut. Then simply dumped the bag and buried it again. My muscles were burning and my body was protesting, seeing how I was rather exhausted, but it had to be done now.

After wiping the sweat, as well as some more disgusting cake from my brow and throwing the shovel far away, no reason in keeping a dirty shovel in the hut to indicate my deed, I went back to the front. Luckily there was a backroom with a simple cot, as well as a spare bathroom. That would do.

Well, normally it would have, but I never made it inside. At least not in the normal way. You see, there was a blur. Something akin to lightning in a way that slammed right in my side before I could enter. It pretty much slammed me inside the living room and against a cauldron, making my head ring and my back hurt.

I looked up alarmed as a pegasus mare flew inside, her wings stretched out.

She had a really strange coat color. Something between blue and green. Turquoise or something like that. I was never that good with colors. Her hair seemed to be lightning themed, showing just that indeed yes, it was her who slammed into me. On her wings were even wing blades. Too bad she didn’t try to use those. That wouldn’t have hurt at least.

Anyway she stomped towards me, a cocky grin on her face.

I quickly searched for my knives, but then remembered that I didn’t have them. I was just about to throw a punch, but by then she was already onto me, staring down at me like I was her prey.

“Gotcha,” she only said before her hoof-leg-thing collided with the side of my head and I knew no more.

Author's Notes:

Attention! I finally decided how the rack of the Royal Butts should be! At the beginning, I wasn't sure and once described Celestia's as small for example, but later on as big. I guess all the anthro fics that described Celestia with an impressive bust rubbed off on me. But no! I'm not going to stand for this cliche! So Celestia becomes the flat-chest and Luna gets the rack! I have decided! Screw anthro stereotypes! Luna drinks her milk, Celestia doesn't! Explanation enough! (I wish there was a Trolluna icon. )

I also was thinking about Buggy landing a punch right at the end before getting knocked out, but decided against it. It might be useful if the bounty hunter doesn't know about his abilities. Some might wonder if she hasn't seen them at the party. But the party was big and she was only present after his escape.

In any case I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Also the chapter after that will be the shortest chapter yet. This chapter was getting too long, so I had to split it after all.

Reminiscing 2 ...Royal Butts of course get to have some nice breakfast while I'm being hauled to them

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POV: Luna

It was late. Well, it was late for us, considering the night just passed as we lowered the moon. But we weren’t tired in the least. No. We were giddy.

We were hopping with a spring in our step, as modern ponies like to say. An excited grin no doubt on our features as we hopped along down the hallway to break our fast with Tia.

Just the thought of Buggy roaming this world again, it was exhilarating in a way we can’t describe.

Buggy was something familiar. He was something fun. And now, after a thousand years he got us really nostalgic. Tis a feeling we crave, considering how strange modern times art for us. He is the single constant in our life.

…Well, if one didn’t count Discord. Oh, how Tia is still having troubles to sleep at night because of our…

We do not want to dare think of it. Tia is still hurting from it, as well as us. Discord is a mystery of our past. A mystery we cannot hope to unravel. He is never serious enough to answer the questions we seek. But Buggy certainly would be more enjoyable to talk about our past. He does hold secrets and we know it. So we will certainly seek him out…after cutting him down a few times. A mare doth have to play around after all.

Just as we imagined of how we would cut his body next, we reached the hall of fast breaking. Guards saluted and pulled the door open, revealing a rather disheveled Tia not much to my surprise. She had rings under her eyes, and her crown was askew. Truly an abhorrent sight, considering her unkempt mane. Who would have thought that a simple clown would have such an effect on her?

“Greetings sister!” we greeted her jovially in our Royal Canterlot Voice booming towards her and trying to lift her mood. She jumped up in fright, funnily enough and then gave us a cross look as she groaned.

“No RCV inside the castle, Luna!” she chided us, making us huff.

“We were only trying to lift thine mood sister! Though it baffles us how a single pirate can make thou loose thine royal composure!” we chided right back, making her growl in annoyance.

“It’s not just him! Or did you already forgot about our other problem!”

I nodded in understanding, “We see. So it is Discord too?”

“It is. This is just a bit too much. I mean, first Discord escapes after Twilight was ready to send him back to stone, then a bug queen is exiled, but will surely be back, only to be followed by Buggy! Buggy! Though Chrysalis is the one which troubles me much less than the others. I mean, you know how Buggy and Discord are! These two… And Discord already claimed his title of one of the Four Emperors back! What comes next?! Does White Ear suddenly break out to claim his title back too?!”

At this moment our sister started to hyperventilate and we immediately flew over the table and to her side to embrace her and soothe her. It took a moment before she seemed to calm down. But it certainly showed us how frayed her nerves were. And I had to agree. Threats are surfacing one after another. And not everything is going according to plan. Discord’s escape one of the major points. After all he was roaming the lands as we speak. And none of us could imagine what heinous plans he might enact just now.

Our sister meanwhile broke the embrace and gave us a thankful smile.

“Thank you Luna. I’m sorry that you have to do this. It was just a bit much.”

“We understand. Buggy’s escape certainly was a flashy one.”

Tia instantly groaned at the mention of his name...and maybe also because of our pun, heh.

“Please, don’t remind me.”

“Do you still remember how we first met him?” we asked teasingly with a giggle, making our sister frown.

“Don’t remind me…” she simply said with an far off look in her eyes as she reminisced the moment, just as I did on this truly fateful day.

Tis was a glorious day. And we couldn’t help but beam as the cake we ordered was coming just in time. Tia was ecstatic as she saw the surprise cake I prepared for her. Truly a picture of the purest joy. And a picture that was needed after what has happened with our dear mother…

But no! Today was to celebrate and not to mourn! Tia agreed as small tears of joy were starting to form on her eyes.

“Oh Luna, this is the best present you could have made me for my birthday! This is the best day ever!” she exclaimed in her teenage vigor. And I nodded happily.

“Yes. Tis an most fortunate date. Tis cake is very special since it is a triple layered and several times stacked black forest cake, prepared by the best confectioners of Minos. So Happy 16th Birthday sister.”

“Oh how did I ever deserve such a sweet little sister like you!” Tia said happily as she wrapped us up in a big warm embrace.

“We know,” we cockily said as we stuck our muzzle up in the air smugly.

It truly was a perfect day. And we were sure that absolutely nothing, and we mean nothing could ruin it!

„WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

But then there was this faint noise. Almost barely audible at first but then slowly gaining in volume.

“Do you hear this?” we asked our sister in worry as she started to look around for the source of the noise.

“What could this be? Are we being attacked by the pirates?” she asked, before frowning, “Today?”

And we couldn’t blame her. This wasn’t something anyone should hath to deal with on their day of birth.

”-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!“

And the noise got louder. But then, all too suddenly a portal opened on the throne room ceiling. And out of it fell a stallion. Seemingly hairless and without a tail. We both exclaimed our surprise in loud shouts as the stallion plummeted down.

…Directly into the cake.

Our eye twitched in anger and frustration. Tis cake did take quite a while to get here! And it wasn’t easy to even get it on time because of the absurdly high demand of it! It was prepared by the most famous confectioners and now it was ruined!

Whoever this being was, we were sure to at least let it rot in the dungeon for a good year because of this insolence if he doesn’t have a good excuse for his invasion. Not to mention a most humble and sincere apology.

The stallion quickly enough broke the surface and wiped his eyes as he tried to control his frantic breathing. We noticed the clown nose placed on his strangely small muzzle and wondered if this funny looking stallion was hired by one of the nobles as a poor surprise. Or if this clown sneaked into the castle hoping to impress us with its humor. Suffice to say that if this was the case we were clearly everything other than impressed with the destruction of our birthday gift for our sister.

The stallion or clown if one prefers that title looked around, seemingly confused, before his eyes saw us, showing more confusion. It clearly seemed my theory of him seeking us out being wrong, but it did not explain his being here. Was it an accident? But how doth one accidentally fall through a portal and directly onto the birthday cake? We also noted that he was just a teenage colt. Probably about our age. Not that it soothed any of the anger I felt from our sister for this destruction of this expensive black forest cake.

The colt then groaned as he felt the stickiness of the cake in his clothes, his flat muzzle showing disgust.

“Ugh. God dammit,” he said, before eying the both of us, though what came next was something not even our mother could ever have predicted.

“Fat horses?” he simply stated in confusion.

He insulted us. US! The rulers of this fair land! The insolence! The irreverence! All thoughts of a benevolent punishment were being thrown out of the, like commoners like to say, thrown out the window as our rage consumed us. We felt this dark presence that guided our hand as we summoned our battle axe with a deep scowl gracing our beautiful features. Which was of course quite a pity for our graceful muzzle to displaying such an ugly emotion. But I couldn’t help it!

The teenage clown didn’t make it any easier for us as he simply scoffed at us. Scoffed!

“Really?” he asked, “I have seen better magic tricks from on a fair.”

We gritted our healthy teeth on reflex before our hand reeled back with the axe behind us, ready for the devastating throw.

“OFF WITH THE HEAD!” we screamed hoping to exterminate this insect.

We couldn’t help but feel amused. Back then we were so wild and unbridled. Always trying to go with our head through a wall as ponies like to say. Tia however seemed less amused as she reminisced it.

“We have to catch him quick! Who knows what abhorrent crimes he will commit while we are sitting here at this very table!”

We simply rolled our eyes. Sister truly behaves like a foal when it comes to Buggy. We found him quite useful for stress relief. And we certainly wouldn’t want him to go to Tartarus or be imprisoned in stone like our sister wishes.

“Maybe thou art worrying too much,” we suggested, hoping to stir our sister away from breaking our toy. Not that our sister listened to us of course.

She turned to us, looking deeply into our eyes with determination.

“You might be saying that, but it’s not like his head will be presented to us on a silver platter.”

At that exact moment we could hear some loud noises from outside. A male all too familiar voice was screaming, while a female voice seemed to try to curse at him to keep his trap shut. Not that the male voice was interested in her talk.

Only a second later the doors flew open as a mare walked into the room, with an in a sack bound and wildly struggling Buggy over her shoulder. Only his head was looking out from the sack. A head that suddenly came straight flying at us…

…and into the cake.

Cake batte and frosting flew in all directions, but mostly directly into Tia’s face and her torso.

…We will admit that our cheeks bulged out in barely restrained laughter.

Tia was already fuming and heating up, making the cake on her melt. Buggy meanwhile shook his head, not yet sensing the danger he was in.

“Damn is it hot in here!” he complained, before he started sweating as realization hit him, “Please don’t tell me I landed in her cake again,” he said all too fearfully as my sister simply glared down at the head that was served on her silver platter.

We couldn’t restrain the cocky grin that graced our muzzle, as we elbowed our sister.

She simply turned around to us with a questioning look.

We, as the modern ponies say, shit you not, as we had what was called, we believe, a shit-eating grin pointed at her, before pointing to the head on the platter.

“You were saying?”

Bounty Payment... Now my fate gets decided in a non-flashy way, oh joy

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“You were saying?” I heard Loony cockily say. I was still blinking my eyes free of cake, but could still make a vein out that twitched dangerously on Cake Butt’s forehead. A head that was erupting in a flaming inferno.

My head quickly staggered a bit back on this cake platter that I was now on. I really have to curse my luck right now.

And Murphy.

Considering I just escaped and am now at Cake Butt’s mercy after destroying another cake… Things seemed better yesterday.

Luckily enough Loony stepped in before Cake Butt could get out her hammer to crush me.

“Calm thyself sister. This is a reason to celebrate after all,” her lunatic sister stated before she sighed forlornly, “Though we wished that we would hath gotten the opportunity to get in on the hunt…”

The older of the two sighed as she calmed herself enough for her flaming mane to subside.

“Yes. You are right. His punishment has to wait. As for now we need the Elements first. And now that we are talking about where are they?” Cake Butt asked looking at the bounty hunter before them.

“What are you looking at me?” she simply stated, not getting what they were talking about, and who could blame her. I doubt they wrote that down on my bounty after all.

“The Elements. Buggy here had a sack with these valuable jewels. Where are they?”

“Listen. I have no bucking clue. He didn’t have any sack when I found him in that forest.”

Cake Butt narrowed her eyes dangerously, “Lying will be punished severely. So are you quite sure? Or do I have to help your memory?”

That threat was enough for that damned bounty hunter to cross her arms under her chest. A chest as small as it was that was still bigger than loli Cake Butt’s. Heh.

She was also despite that position still balancing me on her shoulders interestingly enough. It showed at least that despite being a coward she still had some skill. At least then it came to balancing things.

“I already told you! I mean, the bounty was only about this clown, right? And he didn’t have anything with him! Heck if I know what he did with your crown jewels.”

I snorted, causing Celestia to glare at me. A glare that was scrutinizing and calculating, trying to find the answer to find her *snort* 'crown jewels'.

“…I see,” Cake Butt frowned as she let out a rather annoyed sigh, “This complicates this situation. The Elements need to be found immediately.“

Loony only nodded, “We agree. Tis be best if we ask our dear Captain what happened to them.”

With that both of the Butt’s eyes turned to me. The Cake one hereby glaring a hole in me. Luckily a coughing sound drew their attention back to the bounty hunter who tapped her hoof on the floor impatiently.

“Yo. I’m not meaning to be impolite but what about my reward?”

“Ah, yes. Your reward,” Cake Butt said as she levitated a pouch probably filled with some nice gold bits judging by the jingling in her yellow aura and threw them straight at the bounty hunter who catched it in her hands.

She then opened the pouch to check the content, but her muzzle quickly turned into a scowl as she seemed to count the bits again and again.

“Hey! That’s only 15,000 bits! The half is missing!” she complained. And I could only agree with her on that one. Not that I had pity with her, but cheating one with bits like that was a total not-flashy dick move in my opinion. Not even I would stoop that low.

And believe me, I’m bombing houses of innocent civilians. So I’m already rather low on the morality ladder.

Cake Butt all too haughtily rejected her complained with a derisive snort.

“You didn’t relinquish the Elements, and your own negligence to secure Buggy’s head costed me my very expensive and imported cake. So that is more than the likes of you deserve.”

Of course bounty here protested.

“It was 30,000 bits! And I didn’t know about either those Element thingies, nor about his abilities!”

“Oh?” she asked with an open stare, “You were too incompetent then?”

“Incompetent?! I’m the famous Bounty Hunter Lightning Dust!” she boomed through the dining hall, though Cake Butt wasn’t impressed at all.

“It seems the standards for bounty hunters are quite low if you are the best they have to offer,” she mentioned off-handedly, not caring that she just insulted her.

That seemed to make Lighting, as I now knew her name, snap as her nostril flared in seething anger as her wings aggressively flared from her sides.

“BITCH!”

This one word made everything go silent. Guards were going pale as they stared at the bounty hunter like she just committed suicide. Which honestly she probably has. I could see Cake Butt’s vein twitching wildly and only a hand of her sister on her shoulder seemed to calm her down.

If only a little.

Her teeth were gritting as she glared Lightning down.

“I see. It seems I was not only too benevolent but also too lax with you. It shocks me again and again how you bounty hunters don’t seem to show any manners.”

Now it was Lightning’s turn to snort at her.

“Benevolent my flank! We had a deal! And you are crossing me!”

“I’m merely pointing out what you have missed. But if you react like that… we will sack in the bounty ourselves! It might help to finance your stay!”

She was about to retort angrily at the mention of sacking in her hard earned money. Well, not really hard earned, considering this coward ambushed me. But anyway she somehow seemed to notice something amiss that made the fur on her neck stand on end.

“Stay?” she asked all too accusingly.

“Oh yes. You clearly are no useful part of society. So you will be involved in THE program.”

Instantly she dropped my body making me curse in slight pain, before she spread her wings and took angrily off towards the door she had carried me.

“GUARDS! SEIZE HER!” Cake Butt yelled, and the guards saluted as they instantly chased her down.

I didn’t really have any pity with her. Though what actually scared her enough to simply take off threw me for a loop. Useful part of society? Program? What exactly did Cake Butt mean with that?

Though it practically made me remember that I was still on a plate right in front of this easily to irate goddess wannabe.

“And now to you,” I could hear her seethe with her trademark suppressed rage, “I will give you one last chance to tell me where the Elements are before I turn you to a crisp!”

I of course quickly jumped with my head from the plate and to the exit, only to be grasped by her magical aura in midair, immobilizing me, as she turned me to face her.

“The Elements?” she demanded, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t turn my head from her.

Considering my position it was good that I actually had hid them. Otherwise I would already be in stone or to Tartarus. So, with the advantage I had, I of course tried to milk it for what it was worth.

“I want the 15,000 bits you have there, as well as an airship and for you to give me at least five days headstart.”

Celestia’s face instantly crunched up some more in clear distaste and even more rage.

“YOU DARE?!” she screamed at me, as she stood up to tower over my head-only form. Her hair was again a wildly dancing inferno.

Neither of us noticed Luna scowling at the two of us before she snatched my head away in her magic and brought me to her arms. She then pressed me against her bust, giving her sister a disapproving frown.

“Tis not the way to solve this sister!” she started, “Doth thee not see? There art a much better solution for this situation.”

That actually made Celestia curious.

“A better solution you say?” she asked, inquiring to hear more.

Loony nodded as she cocked her head to the still open dining room door.

She then turned along with Cake Butt to see six very specific mares enter the room. Mares I have seen before.

“Buggy!” an all too cheerful pink pony exclaimed as she bounced over to me, before snapping my head out of the air and smothering me between her generous pillows.

I personally felt an incoming nosebleed at this as my cheeks burned. I was in a bit of a daze, and only really got out of it when I felt my lungs suddenly burn up as I realized that my oxygen was cut off.

Thumping could be heard as my bound body trashed around on the ground and orange quickly stepped forward.

“Pinkie! Yer suffocating the fella!” she chided, making Pinkie stop as she pulled me out of her chest, making me gasp from air, as I felt a few drops of blood stream down my nose.

“Oopsies!” she exclaimed sheepishly, before my head was floated out of her hands in a familiar blue aura of Loony.

“Hey!” Pinkie protested with a pout, as Loony simply shook her head.

“Tis not the best moment for this now. The Elements are missing and only our dear Captain here knows their exact location.”

Rainbow instantly beat her wings and flew forward while punching one hand into her other.

“What are we waiting for when? Let’s just give him a good old beating to get out of him where the Elements are!”

“Violence shall not be the answer to his crime,” Loony said with a disapproving scowl at rainbow horse.

That was then purple stepped forward. Her demeanor was calm. Or at least as calm as she could be, as she still shuddered a bit nervously as she looked over me.

“You mean the program?” she asked Loony timidly, who nodded curtly.

“Indeed. This shall be the best solution for solving this predicament.”

“What program?” I couldn’t help but question warily with a raised eyebrow.

Loony then levitated me in front of her face. A predatory grin adorning her feature.

I didn’t like it.

“Thou will see, our dear Captain!~”

I didn’t like it one bit.

Comical Judgement... Curse you Murphy!

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Some people believe in karma. That all bad that we did would come crushing down on us sooner or later. That there would be some comical judgement even, or some junk like that. Like for example if you are sentenced to several hours of community service for littering to end up actually picking up trash. Such things like irony. Well, even with Murphy having his hand in on this I still could hardly believe the ridiculousness that I was subjected to right now. The irony a villain, or pirate in my case has to endure. The sick joke that Equestria was pulling on me.

“Welcome to the Everfree Reformation Center, short ERC. The place where you will learn to be a useful part of society!”

Yes. This part of irony that right up had to be some twisted joke of Murphy. A Reformation Program.

Fuck you, Murphy.

“We will teach you the how’s and why’s of the topics why it isn’t worth to be a villain and how to achieve a normal everyday life along your fellow peers!” the all too familiar purple unicorn droned on much to my chagrin, “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m leading this highly-established institution. Our success rate here at the ERC is one hundred per cent, so I’m convinced that you will all be reformed in no time! I also hope that you will gain lots of valid information and see the light of friendship during your stay!”

“Ugh. I would rather like to see the light of an exit sign,” I muttered. And I could see that the others who were standing in line with me were thinking like that as well judging by their frowns. The people here that have to ‘see the light’ were a mix of diamond dogs and ponies. Though I noticed the bounty hunter from yesterday wasn’t one of them.

Lucky bitch.

We were also in the middle of a forest. The same forest I trudged through yesterday. Only were we standing inside of a huge light blue colored shield. It encompassed this so called ERC which main building was a castle. But they also had walls and a large gate, which kind of blocked my view from most of it as we walked inside, so I didn’t know what to expect. Though I imagine some kind of prison.

We pretty much got some clean clothes, which looked normal, and not like anything prison-like at least. I of course persisted on keeping my clothes. I mean, if they let me keep it, then I sure as hell would keep them.

I was also lucky they got washed yesterday as I was deported on the airship that flew here. You know, them giving me pajamas and me giving them my clothes to have them cleaned. It was actually quite nice. Like a hotel stay almost. Albeit movement of course was restricted on the quarter on the airship. But let’s get back to the situation at hand with this, ugh, reformation thing…

“Ah would like it if we could just get ta the point fer once, without the whole shindig,” an orange mare suddenly said with a slightly irritated voice. Oh, and the rest of the six were also here, in case you were wondering. Honestly I still haven’t found out who they exactly are. Only that purple is the student of Cake Butt.

Speaking of which, she huffed indignantly at orange. “I can’t just cut the introduction short Applejack! It is important to inform our guests what to expect from our service! Giving them plenty of information is the first step to reformation! We can’t hold anything back and let them feel like we are forcing us on them!”

“Yeah, because you are,” said the scratchy voice of diamond dog.

Twilight’s ears perked up as she wandered in front of said dog. A smile adorned her face. Though that smile was everything other than reassuring.

“We are simply trying to help you,” she stated calmly, but the diamond dog did have none of it.

“You mean by attacking our packs?”

The small dog beside him quickly agreed, “Yeah, Rover is right! You ponies are destroying our towns and dognapping every one of us without reason!”

“Mhm,” agreed a larger dog on Rover’s other side with a nod.

Twilight simply couldn’t help but shake her head disappointedly at the three.

“We are not ‘attacking’ your packs. We are simply trying to help you! Diamond dogs are known for their greed, so they need our guidance, just as you three need it now. Your alpha was lying to you. You need to accept that.”

“Well, we won’t! Alpha is going to fight back against you and petty pony princesses!”

At the mention of the Royal Butts Twilight’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and said eyes were never leaving the three diamond dogs, even as she started talking again.

“Moondancer, could you take the tour from here? It seems I have to ‘guide’ these diamond dogs right now.”

A mare I didn’t notice before suddenly looked shyly from behind Applejack’s back. She had a nerd appearance with the glasses, black sweater and sloppy denim she was wearing. Not to mention the way she stuck up her hair. And no, it can’t be compared in the way I stick it up while wearing my hat. My hair up sticking is one that strikes fear in the hearts of these whimsy ponies, while hers just would make a fashionista cry.

I know that considering a white horse fashionista wasn’t looking all too pleased. More like looking as if she wanted to jump that mare and correct the crime against fashion immediately.

“Um, yes. I-I will take it from here,” the new mare meanwhile said demurely while doing a breathing exercise to seemingly calm her nerves. So only a low threat level I assume.

“If you please follow me,” she continued while the guards behind us simply drove us forwards with their spears in hand and outside into the reformation center.

I was taking one last look at the diamond dogs who had their own guard entail leading them off…somewhere, with Twilight in tow. I have no idea actually where they are going but I have a feeling I don’t want to find out. Reason enough for me to try and break out the first chance I get.

“…And this is the orchard,” the cream mare said while waving an arm around, showcasing the many apple trees that were growing on this field, as well as the prisoners gathering the fruits.

Yeah, no shit Sherlock.

Anyway, the so-called tour of this prison showcased many buildings within these walls and barrier that were outside of the castle. A castle I now finally recognized. It was the old castle I first appeared in and the prior location of power for the Royal Butts. I did wonder what happened to it after I was transported back to this other castle. I honestly thought they had abandoned it, but no, things seemed to actually be in good condition. Well on the outside. I haven’t gotten the chance to take a closer look yet. And I’m not sure we will, since the tour exclusively concentrated on the outside buildings for now.

Outside buildings we pretty much got introduced to were for example a large gym for sport activities, a zoo-like area with large pens and a building, and a school-like building for lessons of all kind, going from classes like Party Planning to Friendship Lessons.

Oh, not to forget the punishment building they called: Reformation Room.

I saw some fresh paw prints on the ground leading to it. So I can only assume that this was the room the Diamond Dogs were dragged off too. Albeit if it was a torture chamber nothing could be heard from the inside. But maybe they had a silent charm on the building, so that no distressed cries could leave it? It is a possibility. Not to mention a legit fear considering it was led by the student of Cake Butt. And Cake Butt was quite the violent one, so who wasn’t to say she wouldn’t rub off on her.

And yes, I found out that purple, which name I believe was Twilight, is the student of Cake Butt. She kind of got introduced along the way as staff of this facility. Just like the others who seemed to own the jewelry I stole as I was told yesterday. A reason why they were rather peeved. Well, Rainbow was, but she was a hothead as I have already established, so that doesn’t count. The others seemed more approachable and rather determined to show me how to be a ‘useful member of society’. Bleugh.

Suffice to say the most eager one was Pinkie as she was rather clingy and practically glued to my side most of the time if none of the others kept her at a distance, which brings us back to the present…

“And we will bake apple pies with them!” Pinkie explained hopping around in front of me, and still not caring for her bouncing…packages. Honestly, I’m wondering if she even wears a bra…

Bad thought! No horsefuckery! You are a human! Get a grip on yourself!

Yup, I mentally slapped myself at this non-flashy thoughts. Makes me wonder if a thousand years of chastity in a gold prison had an effect on my psyche. Definitely would give Cake Butt the invoice for the costs of my psychologist in that case.

…Meh. I would probably give her the invoice for everything I would get away blaming on her. Not that it matters considering the tour was still running with Apple…something chastising Pinkie for interrupting.

After that was done, we pretty much were led down interestingly enough. Led down since there were tracks all over the orchards which led down underground. There was a nice way made out of stone, leading right beside the tracks and I even saw an apple cart rushing past us as we descended. It moved on its own, making me guess some magical shenanigans must be implemented in it.

All the while cream pony explained that the tracks and carts were of course used to collect and transport apples faster.

As we reached the underground we saw also a hall in which the apples were manually sorted on an assembly belt. They were also washed beforehand, so as to be clean. The sorted apples then were filled in crates with a face of an all too familiar winking mare printed on it.

“And these apples after being sorted will get distributed through all of Equestria. So your work here does really make a difference!” Cream explained proudly.

Of course the enthusiasm was not shared by anyone here, which made the mare cough in embarrassment and the Apple…Applejack I think was her name. Yeah, she laid a comforting as well as encouraging hand on her shoulder.

Her gaze practically oozed the confidence that we simply haven’t seen the so-called light yet. And honestly I hope to never see it.

Anyway, we were led into a room that was quite interesting since the crates were loaded on an actual train. An actual train those tracks led through a tunnel in the direction of the outer walls. The whole distribution bit only seemed to confirm my suspicions. If I got on that train I could actually flee. The magical barrier gets opened at this specific part after all so the train can move out. So, the big barrier could kiss my ass goodbye if I managed. It was rather fortunate the mare was explaining all of this valuable information so willingly, just like she did still.

“This train actually is due in five minutes and send directly to Appleloosa, which is rather secluded. Barely any guards visit this place and none are permanently assigned, but that only shows that our reach is further than even the guard!” Cream further explained, making me raise my brows in clear surprise and interest.

Well, if I could get on that train in five minutes I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. And I certainly wouldn’t mind a place with no guards so to speak. But I of course can’t break away from the group without a very good excuse. Something primal that can never be refused, and would give me some privacy…

Just in that moment my eyes fell on a conveniently placed door. This made me grin.

Pirate Luck is on my side!

I coughed, getting the attention of Cream, as well as the others. Rainbow and Applejack eyed me with clear suspicion, but I ignored them, seeing as Cream would be the pony to go for now.

“I need to tinkle,” I said with a straight face.

“Tinkle?” she parroted, making me roll my eyes.

“Yeah, you know, taking care of my needs? Letting water? Shaking the snake? Going for big pirates? Bursting and needing to actually take a pi-“

“A-ALRIGHT!” Cream exclaimed with blushing cheeks pointing to the nearby restroom, “J-Just hurry. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on the tour,” she finished her head sinking in the thick collar of her turtleneck sweater.

I nodded with a grin walking merrily to the room. Though I noticed a movement in my peripheral vision.

“What? Wanna watch?” I grunted in annoyance to the prismatic offender.

“No, just making sure you are not trying to take flight,” she said, flapping her wings with a cheeky grin, and making me deadpan at her for the lame joke, which in turn made her huff, “Not my fault you can’t recognize pure awesomeness. Now hurry up.”

“Uh-huh,” I simply said before going in, and then closing the door behind me. Thankfully this brash mare at least had the decency to wait outside. Unfortunately however she didn’t look like the patient type. Additionally she blocked my escape route too, meaning I had to quickly find another way out. Luckily I found just what I needed.

“Air ventilation, perfect!” I hissed gleefully with a grin, quickly getting to the shaft and taking off the lid. It wasn’t even secured and simply went off like that. Ponies really are idiots!

I was just about ready to go.

“Chop-Chop Disassemble!” I said, willing my body to split.

…Nothing happened. But then I remembered the sea stone bracelet, making me groan.

Yeah. They actually put a bracelet on my wrist first thing in the dining room. Not that it came unexpected. It only shows just how much I’m right with this place being a prison. Not that I had time to dwell on it with my escape plan having quite the tight time limit.

“Great. You are really making me work for it,” I complained deciding to do this the normal way and actually squeezing my body through the ventilation shaft. It fit, but still wasn’t nearly as comfortable as my normal solution to this.

I huffed a bit as I made my way forwards. There was even a part that went up a bit, before going down again, but I in any case soon got the best exit. An exit that was just out of the field of vision of the others.

While they were standing a bit away to the left side of the train I was on the right. It was brilliant! And rather close to the train too!

Ponies are idiots!

Honestly, I would have loved to taunt them, but the sweet scent of freedom seemed more satisfying, so that I simply opened the shaft quietly before creeping on the train. Right on a wagon filled with dozens upon dozens of crates with the apple head logo.

I simply sat down behind one for cover, making myself comfortable as I suddenly heard the train whistle, making me grin.

Another perfect esca-

And just then the door slammed open, flooding the car with light. Only seconds later a cyan pair of hands zoomed over, grabbing me by my shirt before making me sail straight outside.

“Oomphf!” I remarked painfully connecting to the ground before dizzily looking up, seeing Rainbow and Applejack staring disapprovingly down at me.

“Great. So what now? Do I get to see the inside of your torture, or Reformation Room as you call it?” I snark, making Applejack cross her arms and huff.

“The Reformation Room is occupied. But yer all getting a freebie on the first day when it comes to escape attempts. Or did ya think ya were the first to try and get on the train? That’s almost a test of character by now since almost always somepony tries that way.”

“So, back to the tour then?” I wondered, not liking to be so easily found out, but also not protesting to not see the inside of their torture chambers.

”Ah wouldn’t say that. Yer still gonna have to be punished. So yer placed in ‘Time-Out’.”

“Time-Out?! What do you think I am?! A kid?!” I ranted, before two strong mare-guards took me by my arms and started to drag me off, despite my protests.

“You will regret this! I AM Captain Buggy! The legendary and worldwide feared pirate captain!”

Rainbow snorted derisively, “What a blowhard.”

A response that made Applejack raise a brow.

“What? You know what I mean!” Rainbow protested making Applejack roll her eyes as they got back to the tour. All the while I simply continued to curse them.

It didn’t take long until I was led to a new building. Interestingly enough an underground tunnel led directly to some cells with guards standing watch, making me wonder if I was now inside of the castle.

The guards dragging me certainly didn’t give me the time to dwell on it as they threw me straight into a cell, before slamming it shut.

I of course immediately got back up and pressed myself against the bars in clear annoyance.

“I will get out of here! You see! No one can contain the great Captain Buggy! MUAHAHAHHAAAHA!” I laughed and mocked them, but they just rolled their eyes, like this was something they have seen time and time again, before they turned around and left me. They completely ignored me!

“HEY! I’m talking to you!”

But before I could curse them even more another voice cut through the room. This one feminine. But then again, most voices around here are that way. However, this one had a rather haughty tone to it.

“Shut up you imbecile!”

I quickly enough found the voice to be a mare in the opposite cell. She was a blue unicorn mare with a lighter blue shade of mane and had a magicians outfit on her, directly over some blue one-piece swimsuit looking clothes. Or was that a swimsuit? Hard to tell with the low lighting here.

“What? Cat got your tongue? Or are you simply that awed by the glorious presence of the Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrrrrrrixiiiiieeeeeeee!”

I somehow had a feeling that we wouldn’t get along well.

The R-Rolling Bitch… I prefer the Diamond Dogs over this unflashy crap

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“What? Cat got your tongue? Or are you simply that awed by the glorious presence of the Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrrrrrrixiiiiieeeeeeee!” the mare boasted. She kept her pose for about ten seconds, waiting for my non-existent reaction, before flaring her cape in front of her, trying to look mysterious and, dare I say it, alluring, “Trixie guesses she is simply too much for a stallion like you to take. But then again Trixie probably can’t blame you for that. Especially since you listened to Trixie and shut up like Trixie commanded.”

Pffffffft, yeah no. Not taking this unflashy crap. And also if I was captivated by anything than not by her lacking allure. More like her overly ridiculous outfit! She couldn’t be tackier if she tried! Seriously! Who wears a one-piece swimsuit with a magicians hat and cape!

“Tch!” I started to jeer, “As if I would listen to such a cheap magician rip-off!”

The mare reeled back as if struck, before her features twisted in a rather pissed off look.

“Trixie certainly could say the same about you clown rip-off and your funny red nose!”

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!”

“You heard the Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrrrrrrixie!”

“OH YEAH! GET YOUR FAT FLANK OVER HERE AND SAY THAT AGAIN!”

She gasped dramatically, “MY FLANK IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT FAT YOU IMBECILE! IT IS FUN SIZED!”

“SHUT UP!” came the scream of a nearby mare guard, “OR I WILL SEE THAT THE BOTH OF YOU ARE PUT THROUGH ‘BEHAVIOR CORRECTION’!”

This r-rolling Trixie bitch then snapped her muzzle shut with an audible click. I actually wanted to use the situation to taunt her some more, but I wasn’t all too keen to find out what kind of torture they understood under ‘Behavior Correction’. I’m not a fan of whips and pain, thank you very much. Though of course it doesn’t have to do with physical but mental pain…like having to wear a pink tutu.

And yeah, this is something I’m actually thinking is a valid option around here. This place is crazy. And I mean Equestria with that. I was once in a town that did not have any weapons. Some stupid ‘no violence’ rule. Don’t ask me why they would have such a rule. Anyway since they didn’t have anything to defend themselves, except cakes since they were a baking community they developed a tradition of defending themselves with cake. Yes, throwing cake. I shudder to think of the sugary and slimy cake mess they made out of me. I still can’t believe that it worked out for them. So a pink tutu as punishment doesn’t seem all that crazy in comparison. Not to mention that Pinkie would probably don one of her own and then dance along if I would have to dance as a punishment too. That woman is crazy like that. And affectionate. Overly affectionate even by pony standards. But then again, I probably would rather deal with her than Houdini Mc Bitch over there.

A bitch that was still glaring at me I might add.

“What?” I asked contemptuously.

She huffed as she crossed her arms under her rather average and boring chest.

“You shouldn’t cause so much trouble you fool! The Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrrrrrrrixie merely wanted to help you! You were even lucky! The wardens go easy on the first escape attempt, but if they catch you again, you will get put into solitary confinement, instead of this regular confinement. And believe Trixie that this is something you don’t want.”

“And why not?” I asked now quite curious.

“Let’s just say they turn the use of mind magic up to 100, while also additionally putting you through ‘Behavior Correction’ an entire week. The ones that actually go through it are never the same again. Trixie was lucky that she wasn’t put through this herself. Though the horrors of ‘Behavior Correction’ are still something somepony as Great and Powerful as I had to endure. And let Trixie tell you, it isn’t pretty. Your best bet is trying to act like you have learned your lesson. To make them think you are accepting this tartarushole and their, ugh… Friendship Lessons.”

“So, if you are acting like you are cooperating then why are you here?”

“Uh, the Great and Powerful Trixie does not have to answer this!”

I grinned at that, but decided against tainting. No need to get into another argument that could endanger me, so I simply shrugged, “Suit yourself,” I said as I lay down on the cot that was provided for this cell. Don’t get me wrong I was annoyed and fuming at my situation, but the things this Trixie character said were troubling. Solitary Confinement is a complete brainwashing. And if I try to escape again… Mindfuckery is certainly something I don’t want to risk lightheartedly, so I need a plan to get past this barrier and walls. But to actually make such a plan I will have to work with this program, at least just so that I can gain a better understanding of this facility. I need to know where things are and how to get past this wall and how to power down this barrier. And I doubt the breaker box for it would be anywhere nearby.

I sighed. How exactly do I get into these situations? Oh yeah. My Infamous Pirate Luck has a limit. It will save me from death, and make here and there a few things easier, but it won’t protect me from everything and make my life a piece of cake, no matter how much I would want that. I’m not sure it would protect me from brainwashing either. Ugh… That is something I don’t want to test out.

And there was nothing to do right now. Only to lay back and wait. So that’s what I did. Stewing in boredom and hoping to get out soon.

It took a few hours at least until I got out and Applejack came to collect me. Trixie got out too and we were forced to walk after her and along some tunnels back to the surface.

“So. What now?” I wondered.

Applejack looked back for a moment, before facing ahead again, “Yer gonna follow the schedule after lunch is all. Because of yer stunt ya missed Rainbow’s term and mah own, but still got Fluttershy’s, Rarity’s, Pinkie’s and Twilight’s.

I briefly thought on that. So, Rainbow’s was athletic. Applejack’s was slave work on the apple farm. Which leaves Animal Caretaking, Fabulosity (no idea what this is), Party Planning, and Friendship Lessons. At least from what I gathered.

Only a moment later we were led into a really big dining hall. I looked around, noting with interest that she led us up into the castle. It also made me wonder how connected these tunnels were, and if I could use them to my advantage.

I also noted the diamond dogs, griffons, ponies and other beings sitting around on the different rows of tables. Not to mention the serving counter on one side of the hall.

It was then that the mare turned around pointing with a finger to the counter, “Just grab a bite ta eat. Break will be done in half an hour,” she said before walking off and out of the room.

Trixie meanwhile groaned as she got to the counter, me following close behind.

We both got our food, which was apple-related from an elderly green mare, before we sat down. Trixie casting me an annoyed glance as I sat down on her table.

“What? Are you know suddenly trying to bask in the glory of the Great and Powerful Trixie?”

I shook my head in annoyance, “I simply want to know what I have to deal with here. You are longer here than me, so, got any idea where the breaker box is to power the barrier down? Because I highly doubt a unicorn is keeping it up.”

The mare looked around conspiratorially before focusing on me again.

“Trixie sees that you are not too dumb then. Indeed, there is something powering the barrier. Something magical. Trixie heard that it is some kind of magical tree, but it is in an extremely restricted underground section that is guarded at all times. Not that such an imbecile like you would ever get close to it,” she huffed haughtily, making me cross my arms.

“I am an infamous Pirate Captain. Believe it or not but this isn’t my first time in an Equestrian base.”

“Little good will that do,” she said sighing, “Security is strict and the bracelets actually have an enchantment on them that can pinpoint our location,” she said showing that she also wore a bracelet, though not out of sea stone like mine, “Trixie learned that the hard way. So Trixie instead plans to act like she understands and hopes her extraordinary personality survives this tartarushole. And despite your rude attitude Trixie recommends you the same as well. Adapt or lose because no pony escapes from this place,” she finishes before taking her tray and leaving for another table.

It actually surprised me. Her loud personality seemed to suddenly take a backseat. There was resignation in her eyes. I didn’t like it.

I took a spoon of the apple stuff. Kaiserschmarrn with applesauce interestingly enough. It was good, but the sweetness could hardly overshadow the bitterness of this place. Sure, it didn’t look like it, but if Trixie was anything to go by I needed to be careful.

I then glanced at the three diamond dogs from prior. All of them wearing creepy, twitching smiles, clearly from the horrors of ‘Behavior Correction’. This forced or fake happiness wasn’t boding well.

My mind raced with possibilities. Not of them favorable. If the tree is guarded at all times, how can I destroy it? That was the only way to destroy the barrier, was it? It is underground too, and he would need a plan of these tunnels. Not too mention that they are probably locked. Maybe through an air vent? He needed to lose the bracelet too. Not only to use his abilities to crawl through airvents, no matter how small, but also to not be tracked… He needed help…probably. Hm... Diamond Dogs might be an alternative. They can dig. Can they also break through these walls in an underground tunnel. Once the barrier is down a riot might be just the thing. Maybe I can recruit even some for my new crew? These are all criminals, aren’t they? If such an outstanding pirate as I landed here that means some other big fishes have to be here too!

So much to think about. For now I need to play along and watch. See who is useful for my plans to come to fruition. Heh, Cake Butt will blow a fuse when I make another great escape. Too bad I won’t see her face.

I just finished with my food then an obnoxious ringing of a school bell could be heard.

Guess it is time for a lesson.

The Wacky and Wonderful Misadventures of Buggy the Clown

by Hoppa_21

A Gilded Cage ...And yes it's a bad pun

Coughing Gold ...Yeah, that happened

Meeting Pink ...Sugar Incarnate, don't question it

Save the Cake ...Seriously, why is she so obsessed with it?

Meeting Loony ...And the nickname is not just for show

Making a Flashy Escape ...Or not - Part 1

Making a Flashy Escape ...Or not - Part 2

Reminiscing ...I had a rather wild start, hadn't I?

Reminiscing 2 ...Royal Butts of course get to have some nice breakfast while I'm being hauled to them

Bounty Payment... Now my fate gets decided in a non-flashy way, oh joy

Comical Judgement... Curse you Murphy!

The R-Rolling Bitch… I prefer the Diamond Dogs over this unflashy crap