Don’t Have the Self-Control
Addiction is the shittiest form of love. But I hesitate to call this addiction. Addiction is something you can't go without that you were meant to be able to. But I have to eat. Feed. Whatever. It's a basic biological necessity. If I don't eat, I starve. If I starve too long, I grow weak and die. But beyond that simple clinical fact, I more importantly don't enjoy starving. I don't like being hungry, and it is the simple unpleasantness of the sensation that drives me rather than the detached acknowledgement of my need for sustenance.
But with you, it feels like an addiction. Ain't that a shame?
You are not a pleasant pony. Sure you have your moments, but they are moments. On the whole, you are absolutely insufferable.
Not that I'm Prince Charming. Ha ha. In fact, we're pretty well ill-suited for each other. At least it's a two-way street. I guess? I'm not sure that makes it better, but it sure makes it easier to stew in our mutually-assured misery.
There was a time when changelings only knew deception and subterfuge. That time ended long ago, and I'm thankful for that, as truly as you ponies preach, it really is better to be united in friendship, harmony, etc. I won't dwell on this paradigm shift, as we both are well aware of it. How quickly time flies, that I am of the generation that never suffered under the cruel queen. That is but history now for changelings, and there are not many left who remember her tempestuous reign. So maybe it's just these days we don't have that as a reference to compare to. We don't remember what a shitshow it was.
I guess what I'm saying is that maybe I should be thankful for what I have now.
But what I have now doesn't seem like something to celebrate. What we have. It takes two to tango, and we both suck at dancing. Which brings me back around: is this what we changed for? Is this what my ancestors fought to have? Because this doesn't feel like love.
This feels like a bad addiction.
You are an asshole. I am a leech. You are brutish and bossy and ungrateful to the highest degree. But I'm lethargic and complacent and also ungrateful. I mean, we've been over this in so many fights, so many yelling fests denouncing the other as the crappy end of a crappy relationship. Honestly I don't even care who's more at fault, who's worse these days. I'm so fucking over it. We both suck. There. I think we can at least agree on that.
So why on Harmony's green globe are we still together?
No really, ask yourself that. Why are we still together? What exactly is worth holding onto here.
Nothing, really. Honestly. Really really fucking brutally honestly, why are we together?
I, uh, I don't think either of us really likes the answer.
But.
Let's be honest. For once.
We've settled.
You've settled with a changeling who drains you and takes you for granted and too often is a self centered twat. Seriously, that I'm great in bed is literally the only thing I have going. I mean, almost every changeling is great in bed. This isn't a perk, it's a feature. I can't claim I'm a great lover, just an average one. I mean, yay, I guess?
Really, what else do I have going? I mean, I put up with you. That's great, I guess. Most lesser ponies certainly wouldn't. Good thing I'm not a pony. Ha. But really, is a dedication to absorbing your not-quite-abuse my greatest claim to suitableness as a mate? Ain't that sad? Ain't that pathetic?
And you. Goodness gracious, could I go on about you. How could a pony who once seemed so sweet act so sour? How could you have devolved into such an egg? Are you the same pony I fell in love with? I thought changelings were supposed to be the ones who put on airs. I thought we were supposed to be the deceptive ones. The fakers. But you, you are a hollow shell of everything I thought you were, and it sucks. Fuck you, Seriously, fuck you. You are a shame on the equine species. Being with you is the definition of settling. Forget the Hearths Warming Tale, I'm the one who's settling in Equestria.
Ha.
I wish this was funny.
I wish a lot of things. Mostly I wish we could pull our collective heads out of our collective rear ends long enough to admit how miserable we are. I wish we had the strength to look each other honestly in the eye and agree that this is no way of living. This is not what Faust wanted for us. This is not what brave ponies lost their lives for. This is not living. And this is certainly not love.
So why do we keep doing this to ourselves?
Weakness, I think? Complacency? Low standards? Low expectations? The cynical realization that neither of us probably deserves better, but more importantly, could even obtain better.
So we make do with what we have. We tell ourselves that this is still worth it, that this, in our one life on this Earth, in this one moment in time when we both are alive and breathing and real creatures built of flesh and bones, that this infinitesimally small slice of all time is best spent making each other misserable. Because we don't have the gumption to do anything else. We don't have the self-control or the self-respect to be better and seek better. So we settle.
Loving you isn't something great or inspired or wonderful. It's just a necessary evil.
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You wrote something serious? I don't understand.
7927588 It's been known to happen.
Usually its silly. But sometimes you go to your other mode, which I affectionately call suicide-note-bleak.
I like it, I think.
7927724 "Stories about ponies are stories about people" ~Cold in Gardez
7927767 this was my site bio for a long long long long long time.
Well, that was nicely depressing.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c7/5c/ac/c75cacad7d019a20ab649ec11ba06659.jpg
Also:
I feel you're missing a word there.
7927979 thanx
7927724
I've rarely seen him in this mode. I do rather like it, the darkness calling out and Trampoline reaching in.
This story reminds me of my parents, except without the love and affection. It was never there to begin with. Just hollow words. Obligation, locking themselves into a family like they wanted, just like they thought they saw in the happiness of society around them. Pssshhhhh... they should've considered love first rather than wanting to start a family before they got too old. The're incompatible. Ever watch your parents share a kiss. I have literally never seen that. It's going through the motions, being miserable while trying to keep anything good from this mistake from falling apart.
Yeah, sorry. I feel a bit bitter. There's something enjoyable about stewing in one's bitterness, though.
7930416 my parents had what seemed like a wonderful marriage for over 30 years before my dad suddenly threw it away to have sex with his secretary. I compare that with cases like your parents, or my friend I hung out with a few days ago, where they are perpetually arguing and it seems like they'd be better off separate.
Well. That was a thing. Not really sure what to say beyond that, or what it has to do with broccoli treehouses.
7932264 I often, come up with story concepts while half asleep. When I find them all I have is the title and the picture, not even a description. I never did figure out why I put the Brockley treehouse there.
Pleasantly bleak. A good look into a true co-dependant relationship, many people don't realize just how toxic they are.
7932436
7932264
I just figured it was leaning towards the reformed Changelings being mostly shades of green? The character being one of those transformed ones makes it a bit more troubling than it already is.
This was simply fantastic! Not only that, but there is such a lack of errors here that I'm quite surprised. Only one kind of stood out.
You meant "make due" right?
7942454 Glad you appreciated it! But no, it's meant to be "Make do", which means to do the best one can with the situation or resources at hoof.
7942824
Huh, interesting. My life is a lie.
7974722 thank you! I'll post a blog about it when I get a chance, which probably won't be for a couple days. thank you so much!
7976943 Oops I forgot to blog about it let me do that now.
I have reviewed this HERE.
I feel it’s a bit short for what you’re trying to do here. You made your point, but isn’t the objective to convey a bleak romance? We can’t care for something we aren’t attached to. Lovely start to an idea though.
8219626
Yeah I'm not good at making longer stuff I tend to not finish it :(
This is kinda brilliant.
8312947
Thank you. :3
7974722
Looks like I never linked to it in the story description! :( my bad, that's been corrected! :)
I don't believe in divorce in situations like this, so I hope they become better people with each other, rather than without or not at all.
Marriage is not something that depends on continuous love, but a commitment to recreate love when it wanes.
Also, I note the bit about being an average lover, and will say that (s)he is making a logical error in comparing his/herself to only changelings rather than all people their spouse could have ended up with. This might indicate that they are just in a pessimistic mood, and/or have a depressive personality?