- Member Since 16th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen Last Wednesday
Meta Knight
I believe in my whole race. Yellow, white, black, red, brown in the honesty, courage, intelligence, durability and goodness of the overwhelming majority of my brothers and sisters everywhere
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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ruh-roh
7821889 thank you for your criticism and and and while I can agree that fimfiction may not be the perfect home for story I like to think that it belongs here just like any other story that is on the site.
I do not know if it was inspired by actual happenings, but the characters were really nice (lively? relatable?). It reads like the beginning of a long story: I can't sense closure.
Nitpicks:
Normally I'd put a comma or a period instead (I have never seen an hyphen used like that). I don't find that quite strange, at least for me, because it is similar to what is done in other languages.
I think the lowercase title and uncapitalized description is intentional?
7821889
I had not noticed, but I agree.
7821919 it was inspired by events that happened to yesterday. And yes the lowercase in both was intentional.
7839012 your welcome and I believe if you can't listen to criticism you won't be able to listen to new ideas and be able to expand your mind and grow as a person
Wow,
this story was amazing. 
I really wish i can put off this much emotion in my writing as well. I admire you Meta Knight.
7843556 thank you for the compliment I enjoy your writing as well
Some errors but I don’t care what an amazing story monopoly is one of my favourite board games that teaches you about money this story inspires me, is their more chapters coming soon? This story it’s just it teaches you about family so I’ll track it I can’t wait to read more of your stories so here have a follow.
Things Break so fast. but fixing them can take time, only to wait for the next time it breaks.
Interesting story. A rather fast-paced one at that and honestly, I think it might benefit from slowing down a little at times while still keeping the impression of a rambling pony in place. Also, connected to the rambling, there were a few run-on sentences that deserve to be fixed for better flow. Some commas could be added and others removed for the same reason. Furthermore, someone else already pointed out the rather unusual use of hyphens. Should we consider what you have here as direct speech, then indeed a comma or a full stop should be there. However, I have a feeling what you have here is something between direct and reported speech, and also a parenthesis, wherein the hyphens might be used. Still, it should be either a double hyphen (--) or an em dash (—) as these are used to connect two clauses.* A single hyphen should only connect syllables or words, such as in forty-two.
Also, watch out for inconsistencies in capitalization (unicorn/Unicorn) and also consider the purpose of capitalizing generic nouns like Pony or Filly. In my honest opinion, it draws unnecessary attention to these words, thus diverting the reader's focus from the plot.
Still, thank you for this read!
*Double hyphens/em dashes also have a specific use in indicating an abrupt stop in dialogue, and, in case of beats (a type of dialogue tag containing no speaking action) inserted between two parts of speech can be used to emphasize that a character is speaking and simultaneously doing the action.