Lawsuits & Lawyers

by kudzuhaiku

One chapter is more than enough

Author's Note:

This is the sort of stuff I write in my free time, most of which never sees the light of day. I was being very, very silly when I wrote this, and I still don't know why I am posting it, other than it amused me greatly. I doubt that others will find it nearly as amusing as I did. I would suggest reading this only if you are into role playing humour... if not, you're better off skipping this. It is very, very silly and features magical ponies playing as mundane characters.

Why? Because escapism, that's why.

“Lawsuits and Lawyers! Who’s ready for a little social justice?” Grinning, Twilight Sparkle looked at her close friends and associates as she held up the game box. She gave the box a shake, trying to encourage a little enthusiasm, all while her ears alternated between being perked and splayed out.

“I dunno about this Twi,” Applejack replied, shaking her head, and her green eyes looked stern. “To me, lawyering feels a lot like liaring and I don’t know if I want Sumac learning this sorta thing. These games, they mess with a pony’s head, ya know?” Reaching up, Applejack pushed her hat back with her hoof.

Sumac, sitting beside Pebble, gave Applejack a well practiced sad look, which Applejack ignored. Rarity, looking thoughtful, made a dismissive wave at Applejack as she picked up one of the dice, a twenty sided one, and began to examine it. Trixie, a reckless grin upon her face, elbowed Sumac in the ribs, cleared her throat, and then looking Twilight in the eye, she waved, making a ladylike gesture that matched Rarity’s with subtle perfection.

“The Litigatious and Lawyerly Trixie is ready to play.”

“Ain’t that just a highfalutin way to say that you’re contentious?” Applejack asked.

Eyes narrowing, Trixie responded, “I’ll sue you for that,” in a marvellous deadpan and she draped her foreleg over Sumac’s withers as Applejack began to chortle. She managed to hold on to her serious mien for all of about ten seconds before she too, broke down into laughter, and then she and Applejack laughed together.

“So, how do we play?” Rarity asked as she lifted up a very confusing character sheet and then tried to make sense of everything. “So many little details, it is rather intimidating. Will darling little Sumac and Pebble be able to play this?”

“I have a level thirteen Tort Lawyer and Pebble has a level eleven Ambulance Wagon Chaser.” Sumac adjusted his round glasses, which made him look a bit owlish, and he gave Rarity a teasing smile. “The real question is, do you think you can figure this out?”

“Oh, darling,” Rarity sighed as she shook her head, and then her eyes narrowed in an alarming manner, “it is on!”

“I still dunno about this.” Applejack folded her forelegs over her barrel as one eyebrow arched, and then she leaned back in her chair. “I’ll just watch, if that’s okay.”

Rolling her eyes, Twilight let out an exasperated groan. “Fine. Be that way, Applejack.” Twilight put down the box, leaned forwards, and looking very serious, she said, “No being lawyerly about the rules”—she focused her intense stare on the colt beside Trixie—“Sumac Apple. I’m the judge in this game and I decide what goes. So, none of your snark, or I’ll have you thrown out of court.”

“And I’ll have you impeached and disbarred.” Sumac placed his right fetlock over his left and gave Twilight a cool stare.

“We’ll see about that.” Twilight let out a disdainful sniff to go along with the act, slipping into character as it were, and then began setting up the privacy blind for dice rolling. “New characters for all. Rarity has no idea what she is doing, Trixie has only played a few times, and the rest of us are sharks. I have several pre-generated characters for us to get started with.”

“This is some next level eggheadedness.” Applejack sat in her chair, watching as Twilight laid out all of the game materials and passed out character sheets. When Rarity got hers and somehow managed to look even more baffled, the farm pony began to chuckle with a slow, country drawl.

“Darling, I don’t understand, what am I?”

Twilight leaned over to help Rarity, who was putting on her reading glasses. “You are a level one Legal Clerk with the Officious Bureaucrat skillset.”

“Is that a lawyer?” Rarity asked, batting her eyelashes.

“No, a lawyer would be a Law Clerk,” Pebble explained as she began to study her own character sheet. “A Legal Clerk is a future lawyer, with time and schooling, but sometimes they become paralegals.”

“This all sounds so lawyerly.” Rarity peered through her reading glasses and tried to make sense of her character sheet. “Do I get to wear attractive pantsuits?”

“I’m a Paralegal,” Sumac announced as nopony paid Rarity’s inquiry any attention.

“So am I,” Pebble added as she began to look at the paper held in Sumac’s magic. “I got the Compulsive Organiser skillset. You?”

“Smooth Talker.” A self satisfied grin appeared on Sumac’s muzzle and he looked up at Trixie. “What’d you get?”

“Independent Barrister with the Femme Flawless skillset.” Trixie glanced at Twilight, then at Rarity, and then at last, at Applejack. She let out an almost shy sounding giggle as she put down her paper and said, “I can use my feminine wiles as a means of distraction.”

“Eh, you do that anyway with Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine.” Twilight waited for her remark to sink in, then she turned to look at Trixie, and before Trixie had a chance to respond, she continued, “And who was it that made Lemon Hearts drop the entire tea service? In front of Princess Celestia?”

Trixie, guilty as charged, began to turn an embarrassed shade of puce as one ear twitched up and down like a fuzzy little metronome.

“Good heavens, the entire tea service.” Rarity shook her head, remembering the incident all too well, and her face took on a faint pinkish tint. “And then what Princess Celestia said—”

“Can’t be repeated in front of foals!” Applejack thumped her hoof on the table.

“Okay, all of you are part of a small and struggling law firm,” Twilight said to the ponies at the table. “You have no cases and rent on the office is due in ninety days. Your office is located in a poor, struggling neighborhood on the lower east side of Manehattan. Your advertising budget is a meager five hundred silver bits.”

“Can I throw a party and begin social networking?” Rarity asked, her lips pursing together in concentration after she spoke.

“That takes money,” Twilight replied.

“Wait, I am an independent barrister.” Trixie held up her hoof and began stroking her chin. “That implies some level of advancement and experience. What am I doing in a struggling law firm with no money?”

“Roleplay it and figure it out.” Twilight gave Trixie an infectious grin.

“Drinking problem,” both Sumac and Pebble said together at the same time as they both turned to look at one another, causing a spontaneous adorable sight to happen and distracting the adults present for a second or three.

“But drinking is so… cliché.” Trixie shook her head and let out a sigh.

Sumac nodded. “It is, but it gets you a bonus to your charisma and can gain a sympathy bonus if you add pips to the functional alcoholic skill tree.”

Turning to look at her colt, Trixie’s eyes widened. “True.”

Applejack, slipping out of her chair, shook her head and chuckled. “This just ain’t for me, y'all. I think I’ll go find Spike and Boomer, and ask them what’s happening with the Power Ponies. Y'all have fun, and Sumac, stay honest somehow—”

“But I work in a law firm.” Sumac turned his big, soulful eyes upon Applejack. “Don’t go.”

“Sorry, Sugarcube, but this just isn’t my slice of apple pie. Y'all have fun though, buh bye.”

As Applejack turned to leave, Pebble waved, Rarity was too focused upon her character sheet to notice, Trixie frowned, her lower lip protruding, and Twilight reached out with her hoof, gesturing at Applejack for her attention.

“Hey, Applejack, are we still on for our Farmers and Farriers game on Saturday night?”

Chuckling as she walked away, Applejack responded, “Sugarcube, I wouldn’t miss that for the world…”

Comments

[Flisky]

More Kudzu silliness.

Cue the angelic choir.

[DragonRaiderX9]

I was thinking at some point that I couldn't recall Sumac ever interacting with Rarity. And now that I have witnessed it, I desire more.

[niltag]

One chapter isn't nearly enough.

[kudzuhaiku]

7793513

She was there to greet him at Twilight's Castle in TLatHH.

[YggdrasilXerneas]

I could totally see Rarity wanting to make him an outfit set to go with his glasses, or give him and pebble a matching set cause of adorbs x3

[Hodios]

That had me laughing pretty much the whole way through, well done.

[Boulder]

7793505 Close to a MLP choir.

Applejack, slipping out of her chair, shook her head and chuckled. “This just ain’t for me, ya’ll.

They start talking about a drinking problem and the cider princess is off for a sneaky drink.

[Psyco Josho]

I would have preferred the Ace Attorney style of lawyering rather than the generic amoral western lawyers stuff.

Still, amusing nonetheless. I have nothing to really complain about. Except that I would have preferred a wild turnabout there at some point.

[kudzuhaiku]

7793531

I've never played an Ace Attorney game. I know literally nothing about them or their style.

[Psyco Josho]

7793536

Here's a link to the Turnabout Storm web series on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL347AD9B9E509804A

It's a crossover between Ace Attorney and MLP, and it's what orginally got me into AA.

Do be warned though: the whole series is nine hours long, with the final episode being 2.5 hours long.

[Odd_Sarge]

Yes.

[Emtu]

7793540
I actually watched the whole thing once, and it was so fucking long.

That said, I think the Derpy gag was pretty darn funny.

[Emtu]

Ok, and now that I've actually read it...

somehow managed look even more baffled

managed to look

ya’ll (4 times)

y'all (It's a contraction of you all, and an apostrophe represents the removed letters.)

[Night Spinner]

This made me grin like an idiot. xD

[MuggedForCarrots]

As much as I'd love to see the tea service incident, leaving it as a noodle incident works too :)

[aduck]

I would honestly love to see more of these silly shorts from you.

[Laughter Falls]

The only problem with kudzu brand silliness is it creates an addiction and you want more. Come to think of it, so does kudzu brand weirdness. Just what kind of additives have you been putting in your work?!

[Jade Nekotenshi]

Yep, add me to the list of "gigglin' idiots"!

[Bronzedragon]

I would really like to see what would make Princess Cool, Calm and Collected (aka Tia) say something that. “Can’t be repeated in front of foals!”

[Dlaf rferg]

I chuckled and now I feel bad because of that.

[chaoticevl]

7793536 the ace atturney series is the only time i would ever say being a lawyer is fun. Most of the tme their pretty good stories and they even make you like your rivals although you tend to hate them as well. The only problem with them is trying not to figure out what happened faster then the game. The puzzles have a rather specific order of logic to follow and when you know what happened it tends to break that logic chain. But thats a minor problem when the stories are an entertaining as they are.

[Raul]

This is great! You should post more of these things Kudz.

[Born-From-Black-Lightnin]

HIghly amusing. I would not be opposed to more of these little stories. Anyway great story and I'll read you later
-BFBL

[A.P.O.N.I.]

...I want a copy of that game.

[Revan]

Well, I would like to see how the game turns out.

[Trump]

Here is a delightful Quizzical Greystone story that starts in a RPG setting. Great setting for character development.

[Miss Appolonia]

Adorable.

And appropriate! I'll be GMing Pathfinder for the first time on Sunday.

[Bladelord]

This is the kind of thing I write in my spare time

How the hell do you have any spare time?!
Kudzu the writing machine everyone.

[ImperatorAetheris]

As a Law Student (Um... Legal Clerk? xD), this is so awesome! xD

[WanderingPony]

Silly and delightful, you mean. The Weedverse needs occasional sheltered story spots from the storm.

[Charismaladyn]

A nice pleasing drabble of escapism. I'd definitely like to read more like this.

[Bloody_Tofu]

Thank you.

This brings back so many good memories from my old pnp gaming group. Everyone took a turn as gm and ran there own game system.

Good times.... good times.

[howard035]

Great story, but terrible ending: We never get to see Applejack tug on her suspenders and proclaim herself to be a simple country lawyer!

[kudzuhaiku]

7795833

But lawyering feels too much like liaring.

[howard035]

7795835 "Now, ya'll folks know me. Ah'm just a simple earth pony farmer, and the Element of Honesty to boot. Your world of lawyering frightens and confuses me, it feels too much like lying. But what I do know is that for the three year period in which my client, Filthy Rich, listed Barnyard Bargains as a non-profit church to Nightmare Moon and subsequently paid no taxes between 997 and 1000, he was legally insane the entire time, driven that way by rap music! I rest my case."

[Inucroft1]

This little short was fun and amusing.

[Cuber Snuggles]

I thought I know enough about RPG's to get a good laugh out of this, but all I managed was a small chuckle. But I still liked this!

Does anyone mind explaining the OC's to me? I have no idea who they are, but they seem interesting.

[kudzuhaiku]

7797638

Click the Weedverse link in the story description.

[khatre]

If I saw
“Lawsuits and Lawyers! Who’s ready for a little social justice?”
on kickstarter I would fund it without a second thought.
if it does not actually exist it should

[Tycser]

Wooohooo! I'm all caught up again!

...

...

Awwwh, I'm all caught up again :<

Great work Kudz, as always, short but sweet, very enjoyable!

[Ahuras Wrath]

This was funny, but I feel that it ended too soon for us to see much of the actual game-play.

[stereotreme]

Welp. I know what I'm doing with my next GURPS campaign...
Farmers and Farriers. 5-year-minimum

[AyanamiRei]

MOAR!! <3 <3 <3

[Ytak]

A humorous bit of escapism that I strongly approve of. And I would give this game a try. XD

[Typist Gray]

And now I'm cross with you for making this chapter... so short.

[MixMassBasher]

Feels like a DnD session