Rainbow Dash gets her first Pokémon, and heads out on a journey across the Equestria region. With her new friends, she'll be sure to have the journey of a life time!
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 8th May, 2016
- offline last seen Sep 7th, 2023
Razor Blade the Unicron
No longer writing here.
Razor Blade the Unicron
Joined 8th May, 2016 ·
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So you're going in the direction of the games, but not following them exactly....
Instant fav.
7789771 Thanks!
It's okay, try to slow down the pace a little. Your moving too fast through the storie.
So, a few thoughts. One, you rely far too much on talking heads. It basically becomes lines of dialogue. Describing any relevant actions, how characters responded, etc. all help spice up the dialogue while also preventing it from getting stale. Second, you speed through basically everything. This ties into the aforementioned talking heads, but you skim through a lot of events that could definitely mean more if you spent more time on them. I can't find myself caring about the events in your story if you speed through everything. I couldn't find myself caring about the story because you basically skip through everything. How does Rainbow Dash react to getting a Pokedex? Why does she have a rivalry with Lightning? Etc. These are all things that could easily be expanded on, but you just skip through them like they don't matter.
Lastly, all you've got here is basically the start of any pokemon game- but with ponies. That shouldn't be how you write a good crossover. Otherwise, you're relying too heavily on the source material to draw in old fans who already know the story, and you don't chance enough to let non-fans to find themsleves interested in it. If you want to draw readers in, you should focus on making your own story first and foremost- the tropes of pokemon should come second. Oh, and it's Cloudsdale. Not Cloudstale.
7789908 Coudsdale?
7789919 Aye.
7789921 You mean Cloudsdale
7790038 That's what I said. Check my larger comment at the very bottom.
7790045 It says Coudsdale
Fun little start to the journey. I'm quite tempted to do a broad strokes AU fic of my own based on Kalos. I'm thinking Spike as Ash, Sunset Shimmer as Alain, Sweetie Belle as Mairin, Sunburst as Sawyer, Rarity/Nightmare Rarity as Lysandre, and maybe Queen Chrysalis as Malva.
Liking where this story is headed. Pardon the self-indulgent thinking aloud. Going into the next chapter gladly.
One thing though before I do, there's a bit of an oversaturation of Charmander love. Why not pass her the Bulbasaur (Red's canon Starter and a good counterpart to Tank, since Squirtle would not be her first pick either way) as an effective way to show Dashie to slow down in her battles (since the Bulbasaur line is kinda known for being a line of tactical tanks) and otherwise contrast her usual Glass Cannon speedster tendencies. Good for early development and a great way to demonstrate that the cooler-looking option isn't the immediate winner. But eh, it's your story. Cya next chapter.
I like your idea with Team Hive.
I hope we get at some point more backstory about them.
Will they be able to use the other skills of their race?
7789919
Yes, Coudsdale. Not Coudstale.
See here: http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Cloudsdale
Dash is a pretty good trainer. Also, I like how you're not just using Pokemon from Gen-1. I might employ that for my upcoming Pokemon story as well, ironically starring Twilight Sparkle but with Rainbow Dash as the rival character.
Oh, I am soo happy! BTW, why is it those two, again. Not that I'm complaining.
7789919
Hey, can I make an oc for your fic?
8353213
What do you mean by that?
8353395
I could make a oc for your fic
8353412
I suppose so.
8353519
Okay, tell me what details you would need to know.
8353546
You can just PM me any details you would think would be needed
8353835
That doesn't change the fact that I need to know what details you would like to have first. Unless you plan to use the Type Masters, I need you to tell me.