"Will be updated and finished before December 2023*
This story is based on How to Preen Your Chicken by Drakkith, and How to Preen Your Chicken 2 by RainbowdashieCloudsdale. Click HERE for those STORIES. (Also written for ScribblerProduction's month of Lurve production next year! :))
*Set between EG 3 and 4, then transitions before the MLP movie/EG 5. Cover art coming soon! Cuddles and show character fluff is included in this story! :)* Only part ONE is complete so far! I found the picture on Google by the way; if you know who drew it - please let me know and give the proof of their DeviantArt page and the link to the original artwork so I can happily give them credit. :)
The new couple Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry finally go out on a date. At first, they had expected the experience to be relaxing, though unfortunately...Rainbow Dash forcefully dragged them out of Twilight's castle and forced them to train! Soon after a strenuous, but fun race, Twilight realizes that she hasn't preened in a while...Flash can sense it. Flash Sentry and Rainbow Dash are going to teach Twilight how to preen properly. This first date couldn't have ended sweeter...
This was cute, Good story so far.
Have to say the story was pretty crap. As this is your tenth story I would expect you to have done some more research on both writing and getting advice from other authors. The story description alone puts me off due to terrible Grammar and cringe inducing writing. I would seriously consider going back to the drawing board and getting proof readers/ critics to tear your story apart to help you improve.
This is very cute and features best couple and I am definitely following. i will say that it could use some work and require editing but its a great start and a really cute concept. I hope you look back and edit it and make this one of the cutest entries for the pairing ever...FlashLight shine bright!
7783283 Thanks! :)
7783429 Thanks! :)
I looked up a lot of words to use in it, and I used them carefully! I wasn't expecting this to be perfect, but it's good at least! :)
7783392 Ok thanks...I'll get some editors!
Also: The info was updated!
People know that Twilight and flash have wings no need to say winged dating couple. Couple would suffice here. Also if they finally go on a date then they were not really dating.
Does not read right. Rework it.
The coach bit is not really needed. Also "Dash to dragged them out" does not make sense. 'Dash dragged them out' or 'dash forcefully dragged them out' may work instead.
Useless information that could be saved for the story. All the reader needs to know is the basic plot of the story. All you should mention is that the two are out on a date Dash hijacks the date and dash and Flash decide to teach Twilight how to preen.
At the end of the day, the duo tries to leave Flash's home,
So far you have mentioned them going to and trying to leave the house now. This seems like useless information and I would seriously rework it or remove it if I were you.
This seems like worthless information and would be better suited to the story itself. Remember you are giving a description of the story and what its major theme is not telling half the story.
Pegasus is spelt wrong. Also once again useless information
This part is not bad but given it
The second part of this is just drivel I would bin it.
Would bin the first half of this part. Also replace preening flight date with just date.
Either have "Couldn't have ended sweeter." Or "Couldn't have had a sweeter ending. "Have had with" Does not make sense.
Late as buggery here so I apologise if my comment is not as useful as it could be. Read over what i said and as always take it with a pinch of salt your writing style is of course different to mine. All I wish to do is help you mend mistakes I made when i first started writing and in many cases still guilty of making.
7783528 Oh thanks! This is a lot clearer, I'll edit this! By the way, what do I need to edit in the actual story?
7783630 Christ that is a bit harder. The biggest thing you could start with is removing some of the examples you use for description.
It was a stunning day in Ponyville all around the bustle of day to day activities went about as normal. With the heat wave that had struck the town the last few days many ponies were taking shelter down by the lake.
The lake's surface shimmered like a bed of diamonds, laying unperturbed by the day to day activities of ponies. Its calm surface reflecting the activities of the Pegasus as they set to work moving clouds and delivering packages. Though high above ponies could just make out the shapes of two silhouettes. The two in question shot though the open sky, chasing one another as ponies stopped to watch.
The princess of magic and her personal guard had not exactly been discreet with their newly founded relationship. The two were to coin a phrase head over hooves for each other. As evident from their carefree laughs as they chased each other, using the many untouched clouds for hiding spots.
Now this is just an example and a poor one at that but you get the idea as the description is less in your face and blends better. In my opinion it reads better than what you had originally. It is not perfect but what it does do is set up the scene as well as introduce the characters.
Look PM me tomorrow and I will sit you down and we can dissect the story together and I will try my best to help.
7783742 OK, thanks! :)
Uhh, good beginning? Sorry, I accidentally read this when I misclicked
)
( And I do not like Flashlight
Anyway, I read through this and It's kinda cute? I guess. Though I like it if they get how their relationship started. Its very cute if the writers do that.
7836759 Yeah lol I'm going for that storyline a bit! I'm glad you like it even though you don't like the ship! ;)
This is gonna be good!
8584360
Thank you!
I was a little apprehensive about reading this considering that it hasn't been updated in about 2 years. It's a nice fluffy story, but it needs a bit of a better exposition. I liked the ending though.
9573876
LOL, thanks for reading my old, slightly cringy story that I forgot to update. How could I add some more exposition? And thanks for giving it the benefit of the doubt! XD I'm updating this sometime this year, I have to now lol.
9578228
Well, it needs more detail about how Flash and Twilight ended up racing each other and why and about how Dash ended up crashing their date. That's all.
9578261
Oh, yeah, thanks! I'll add that and update this when I can! :D
Sweet story