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After the death of a great grandfather she wasn't aware she had, Twilight Sparkle inherits an ancient manuscript documenting the adventures of an exiled unicorn war criminal in the aftermath of Nightmare Moon's rebelion.

But things are never as simple as they first appear, and Twilight soon realizes that there is far more to the story of the mysterious pony known only as the Exile than there first appeared. Twilight Sparkle soon finds herself drawn into a thousand-year-old mystery. Who is the Exile? Why did Twilight's great grandfather have her journal? And why is it that none of this is mentioned in any of Twilight's books on obscure unicorn history?

Loosely based on Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2.

First Published
1st Jul 2012
Last Modified
1st Jul 2012
#1 · 242w, 1d ago · · ·

Saw this on the main page, so I didn't see that last line, so what went through my mind was:

I'm actually about to head to work, so I'll read this later.

#2 · 242w, 1d ago · · ·

I definitely see the resemblance between this and KotOR 2 and let me say... This is amazingly well done so far!! Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

#3 · 242w, 23h ago · · ·

Quite good. My biggest question about the characters is whether or not you'll use HK and if so, how? Don't say how, though. Confirmation on whether or not we get to look forward to him would be nice, though.

#4 · 242w, 23h ago · · ·

>>842771 HK will, indeed, be involved. I will not tell you exactly how, though, even if you did ask; spoilers ain't kosher.

#5 · 242w, 23h ago · · ·

>>842797

Why do you think I said don't tell me how? I don't want that spoiled. I just want to know whether or not I get to look forward to HK in one form or another. Which I am happy about. This shows how happy I am to know that:

HK is my favorite character in those games.

#6 · 242w, 5h ago · · ·

Well I can definitely say it was worth the wait -- I really enjoyed that! It was wonderfully atmospheric and the characters were fun to read about. Also, it’s worth mentioning that I’ve never played Knights of the Old Republic (honestly, I probably never will either -- apart from the original 2D Clone Wars cartoon, I’m not really a fan of any of the new Star Wars stuff :ajsleepy:), yet I was still able to follow the plotline with no trouble whatsoever. It’s never bodes well when you have to be familiar with whatever’s being crossed over, so you deserve praise for managing to avoid falling into the trap :pinkiesmile:

I wonder if maybe the beginning went by too quickly for its own good? I can understand that you wanting to get to the journal since that’s where the real meat of the story comes from, but my gut feeling is that it would really benefit the story if you spent more time dealing with Twilight and the death of her mysterious grandfather. There’s a real opportunity to build up a strong sense of mystery there, but it goes by so fast and we’re shown so little of what Twilight’s feeling that by the time we get to the letter (which is really cool by the way, very ominous) it doesn’t have quite the impact that it could do.

I think you’d do well to drastically cut down on the number of semi-colons you use. As far as I could tell, you’re not using them wrong, but there’s just sooo many of them that it becomes a bit of a distraction :ajunsure:

Also, I have a whole bunch of other little things I picked up on, but I’ll send ‘em in a PM since this comments already getting kind of long.

Looking forward to chapter 2, I can’t wait to see where this goes! :pinkiehappy:

#7 · 242w, 5h ago · · ·

>>846592

I am a big fan of semicolons. It is one of my big flaws as a writer.

You're not the first person to mention that I glossed over the beginning. Don't worry about that; there's more to the framing device than just Twilight and Dash MST3King about; I'm not gonna add a huge chunk of exposition to the beginning now, but I'll go into more detail next chapter.

Don't worry about not being a fan of Star Wars; I make a point of assuming that the reader is familiar with FiM and nothing else about the fic whenever writing crossovers of any kind.

All other critiques will be responded to via PM because otherwise everyone's gonna be all "Man that is a long-ass comment" and also most of 'em are also in PM form anyway.

#8 · 241w, 5d ago · · ·

Sorry for not taking a full read through of this when last presented with it, but I had to deal with loss of power for about three days recently.

Love this so far, can't wait to read more and looking forward to another chapter. :twilightsmile: