Every universe has walls around it. Even if the universe itself is infinite there's a barrier keeping it from touching other universes. However some universes' walls are thinner than others. Some times this can be used used to great effect, like summoning creatures from another world to help you. But if the walls are too thin, things can fall through. With enough power involved, someone might find themselves in a world where they don't belong. That's just where Shigeo Kageyama (A.K.A. Mob) finds himself. Trapped in a land full of colorful cartoon ponies and absolutely brimming with energy, Shigeo has to find a way to get b when he's completely alone. And his presence hasn't gone unnoticed.
I don't own Mob Psycho 100 or My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. This art was created by KaryMetalRock on Deviantart.
This story is only as I can describe is "meh"
I've read worse and I've read definitely better.
Practice some more, iron out some mistakes, reread chapters, all that jazz, and you're golden.
First off, before you write more of a displaced fic, please read:
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/530330/displaced-common-problems
The good:
* Decent grammar.
Constructive criticism.
* Tenses - occasionally you jumped from past to present.
* Stop coloring everything! Especially don't use light shades of gray... as they are hard to read.
* There was allot of fluff, don't copy episodes scene by scene. Most of the stuff in the middle could be removed with Spike asking Twilight if she still has a headache after a time jump.
* Breaking the fourth wall.
* .... the last few paragraphs.... Spike... out of nowhere being made a 7th element.
* Announcing the main 6 are minor characters compared to the MC. It really starts giving off vibes that this will end up being a self insert wish fulfillment. I would recommend removing the paragraph were the narrator breaks the fourth wall. "....This was going to be their story. They were going to have lots of fun and adventures....." etc needs to go.
Hope this helps you improve in your writing!
Oh these might help as well.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/583996/common-pony-story-elements-the-good-the-bad-the-ok-wip
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/598543/if-your-character-knows-the-future
Essentially what FordPrefect said is all true, i have nothing else to add, otherwise it looks curious, tracking.
While I do appreciate your criticisms, I have to ask that you be a little more specific. Merely pointing out an aspect that you don't like and giving me a link doesn't help me here, even if it does help in the future.
1/6 (Tenses): I understand that I may have used wrong tenses but I obviously don't know where if they are still here. It would be helpful if you could point them out (mostly because it'd take me to long to find them).
2/6 (Stop coloring everything): I understand that using gray colors is hard to see, but I don't understand why you don't like coloring the words. That feels like an opinion rather than a good criticism.
3/6 ( There was allot of fluff): I know that using the original is bad for a multitude of reasons. I was merely trying to establish the first episode as a sort of springboard for some of my plot threads.
4/6 (Breaking the fourth wall): I don't understand your dislike of my breaking the fourth wall. You also didn't write where you though the worst offender was, so I have no way of correcting the error even if I understood it.
5/6 (.... the last few paragraphs....): I know Spike "suddenly" being made the seventh element seems like it's out of nowhere but I have reason to believe that most people would think that because of the original. Even in the original show Spike had more screen time than any of the original mane six. Here he has more lines than them. I tried to hint at there being a seventh element and that Spike was dependability even more than I used the shows words to hint at the mane six. When I say the first episode of the main show I thought the reveal of the mane six was a bit rushed and sudden, mostly because of it having to be crushed into a timeslot. I guess we have different definitions sudden. If you have a better way of doing it I'll listen.
6/6 (Announcing the main 6 are minor characters): I can see where you're coming from with that, but I was merely trying to state than the mane six would not be the main focus of the story. I'm not writing about them, I'm writing about how this displaced character interacts with them and their world. I admit I could have done it better but I'm not very expressive so I fumbled. If you have any better ideas I'm open to them.
7/6 (Displaced - Common problems): I read your blog post and I wasn't planning on doing most of the bad stuff anyway. But I've got to ask: how do I do a crossover if I want to do a crossover with someone?
I thank you again for your criticism. I'm sorry if I sounded ungrateful.
This smells like alternate universe, you should probably add a tag for it, just to be sure.
The coloring thing is just painful to read, and i don't mean like it's bad, i mean like my eyes hurt trying to adjust to different colors on white background. Most autors use colors to decifer different means of communication though, like telepathy, inner monologue or something alike.
And like always, i will not put my hands on grammar, heavens know i'm the last person to do so.
Crossovers aren't bad, if you try to give them meaning, and don't just summon random people to inflict insurmountable amount of lulz on the populace, or just call for oneshot guy who can deal with problems in... well... one shot, although considering what type of character you write about, that won't be a problem.
And about a fourth wall, sometimes it's just makes people cringe so hard, they just skip the story altogether just because of one line, in other words, it's not necessary for the story, but if you want to, you're the judge.
I can't really complain about anything else, i've read stories that can make people cry blood, and yet i still liked them, so yeah, i have a shitty taste, but i've seen my share of horrors, so i can sometimes see where story goes, and if autors even want to improve.
Also, i absolutely loved how you made Twilight don't take crap from anyone, 10\10, top grades man.
Thank you.
more
I belive this is what you were refering to - http://powerlisting.wikia.com/wiki/Flash_Step
So far it's going good. At first i was just hoping for a fine result, but now you actually made me curious, do proceed...
Its called super speed said from vegeta or instantaneous movement
7745598
I don't want to re-read it but here's an example from the first couple paragraphs
"Twilight sSparkle was reading a book" Past tense... also Sparkle should be capitalized.
"Twilight decides it would be a" Present tense
"She is suddenly struck by a severe head acheheadache." Present Tense: Also headache. Also... god does this sentence feel wrong. Pretty sure it sould be "She was struck" or "She is stricken"
I'm not even sure which tense you meant to use... So I really can't point out which ones need changing.
Some people are colorblind. You were using the color as the only sign as to who was speaking at times.
Also, some colors are easier to read than others because of contrast.
Here is my reasoning for why I dislike 4th wall breaking it allot of fanfictions (but not all). When I read a story, I want to be immersed in the world, to feel like I am right there with the hero, solving the mystery or saving the world right beside him or her. Breaking the fourth wall destroys that immersion. 4th wall breaking is like the author going "HEY! YOU'RE JUST READING A STORY!" in terms of how jarring it is for immersion.
Breaking the fourth wall does have useful roles. In laugh a minute comedies it can be used to make even more jokes.
In plays it is used for getting the audience invested by asking them questions or having them decide what the character does next. There are roles for it, but it is a tool that should be used sparingly and with great care outside of specific scenarios.
"Show don't tell"
Instead of saying "The main six are not going to be major characters"... just write the story with Mob being the MC. There is no reason to literately say "This guy, whom I'm writing about, is the main character... just in case you didn't notice."
Don't.
Seriously Don't.
Practical reason for not doing more than one crossover is that the audience that like MLP and Psycho is pretty small already. Out of the people who are reading the story, who many will also like you inserting .... Aquaman? How many will be pumped up by the addition vs how many will think he is just a distraction from what they really want.... Mob and ponies.
If you still want to do a crossover in spite of that .....
Hmmmm .... like say instead of Mob have a different character (Raiden? Batman? You decide!) be the one that showed up in the Equestria Girls Universe... and have them meetup by Mob going over to Equestria girls via the mirror.
Wait.....
NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooope!!!!!!!!............
(If you are talking about a crossover with another fan fic writer)
For a while there were a bunch of "displaced" fics being written and allot of them had crossovers with each other. Almost all of the crossovers were at best filler, but mostly they were deus ex machinas. The mechanism that most of them used (DON'T DO THIS) was the author would write their character into a corner and a easy button would magically appear in their hand saying "Press me for help" and then they would press said button and the character from the other fanfic would show up to save the day.
-------------------
Sorry for not responding quicker, Since you didn't hit the reply button I didn't get a notification and the only reason I caught your reply was because I saw your story updated on the main page's update feed.
7790837
Thank you.
Okay, I haven't started reading this yet but first a little advice for the description;
That, right there, get rid of it, referencing the displaced as a genera in your story is a big no no, it turns a lot of people away from reading the story. here's an analogy using creepy pasta, the beginning of the story starts like this
And you've already clicked out of the story, trust my, take out that bit at the start, change it some how I don't care, just do it.
You might get a few more readers.
7858738 I understand where you're coming from and I would remove it, if it weren't for the fact that his want to be a displaced is a larger part of his character.
7858791 Fine, Though I'd advise against such things in future stories, at least get rid of the whole,
Stuff, really you don't need to say that, it's extremely heavily implied by this being a fan fiction site, no one is going to see this and assuse you one MLP or Mob psycho 100, unless their stupid, in witch case, you call them stupid.
really i see way to many people putting that in their stories and it's so stupid to read because of how obvious it is.
I mean this one isn't going to stop you from getting any readers, it's just pointless and a big pet peeve of mine.
The actual fuck.
The characterization of twilight in this is shit to, I mean you start of by making her a complete asshole then as soon as they reach the forest shes normal again, choose one. also if you're going to spend most of the chapter complaining about the stupid stuff in the first two episodes don't suddenly go and make the, by far, stupidest scene in the first two episodes stupider, I mean really Applejack talking about her parents in that situation in stead of just saying "rainbow will catch you" is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen.
Also never, ever, bring up anything political in a story, it will only end badly for you.
Now, lets continue and see if it gets any better.
7858998 I'm sorry you see how I wrote Twilight that way. I was going for a realist as opposed to rude. If you're going to bring up pet peeves then one of my pet peeves is how Twilight never really got mad at the rest of the mane 6 for all the terrible stuff they did. As for why she "changes character" when she gets into the forest it probably just seems that way because less bad stuff happens so she has less reason to complain. And with the Applejack scene I had to try and come up with some way to make it seem like Applejack deserved the element of honesty. I don't even know if there's a way to make that scene work. If there is I haven't seen it. If you have a better idea for how it should go then I'm all ears but please be more specific than "I think it's stupid".
I don't like this fic, i like displaced stories, i like Mob Psycho, but i don't like this fic, and the main reason why is the main character, and to explain that i have to explain Mob, and to explain Mob i have to explain a few key ideas behind Mob Psycho as a whole, so y'know, long form explanation serving to help bring up a point about your fic time.
Mob Psycho is a show that's mainly about two things, that people should strive to change themselves and improve in any way they feel they're lacking, and that no matter what your talent is in or how powerful your special abilities are you're still not better than anyone else. Mob as a character is looking to improve himself and become a better, stronger, and more likable person throughout the show, not because he's unable to do anything, in fact he quite literally CAN do anything with his powers, but without that special little talent he knows that he would just be another boring face that would never leave a mark, and he knows that even with those talents he could never truly get what he wants, so, what does he do? He goes to the body improvement club and hits the squat rack so that he can impress the girl he likes.
The problem that i see with this fic? Your main character doesn't have the same emotional baggage as Mob, and because of that you've basically ended up with a less self-centered pre-mob fight Teruki as your protagonist, and that pretty much flies in the face of everything the show and comic shows mob to be as a person. You can't get the message of "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard" when your character has none of the same reservations in using their special powers as Mob, because if you give someone willing to use power the same overwhelmingly powerful abilities as Mob then you just end up with an overwhelmingly powerful normal person.
This is at least what i could see out of the first 3 chapters, and while it might get better and you might give your character similar reasons to hold back this still isn't something that i feel i'd like even if it does improve.
8208272
While I appreciate your input, please understand that this character isn't Shigeo Kageyama, he just looks like him. I understand all of what you're saying but please sort out your context. I don't see how you can compare Joe to pre-mob fight Teruki though. Joe is nowhere near the self centered jackass that Teruki was. Please don't hold me to the standards of One. I'm not One and I can never hope to be One. I'm just starting out, sort of, and I request that you give me the benefit of the doubt.
8211664 sorry about that, didn't mean to try to insult you or anything, also didn't know that this was one of your first works... though now that i do know i feel like it's pretty good for something so early, even if it has some serious problems from what i've seen, good job man... also, i would like to encourage anyone else who reads this comment to be highly critical of this work as criticism can help immensely, just don't be a dick about it like i accidentally ended up being. so yeah, sorry for being a dick on accident about one of your earlier works, but also people should be super critical about this as well to encourage you to do better, trust me, i'm a shitty artist who reads fanfiction about pastel ponies.
Wait.. why isn't this in the Displaced group?
8211711
What would you say the strengths of the story are? I haven't read it yet, and I'm curious about how to criticize a little better than a star lord. After all you wouldn't want to be a total a hole and starting with improvements to what's actually good about it would probably be a good start. In that vain, what do you see as the strengths of this story?
Please, I need to learn how to master the art of winning an argument with anyone the way Great Teacher Onizuka did before he became Mob's mentor.
Granted, being the original fist of the north star probably helps.
8369244
But this story is a Displaced, right? The comicon, the merchant, etc. Even if there is no cross-overs, it counts as a displaced, right?
8369924
Stop typing like that, ya goof.
8370153
No need to be. :p
Skimmed the chapter twice after my first read trying to find out what you're talking about with this
Just to find out it's way up the top in this line.
7761407
There are so many names for it
She doesn't know?
I thought it was blindingly obvious.
And now the percentages make sense
A hint of how manipulative Celestia is. Twilight almost caught up with her mentor.
I have not found any grammar or spelling errors. Though I can say I can't wait for more.
Twilight did her math wrong.
2900000 mph is 0.004 the speed of light,
but it says in her sentence that Rainbow would travel 2900000 miles per second.
If what Twilight said was correct that would mean Rainbow should be traveling at 15 times faster than the speed of light.
Mach: 13606698.54
8864593
could you please tell me where is says "Rainbow would travel 2900000 miles per second"
8865280
Right here.
8865647
if you're talking about the "m/s" that means meters per second not miles.
8866993
Oh, but you could of instead of using 'm/s' which can easily be mistaken 'for miles per second' you could of done 'meter per second'
P.s Since that is the case Rainbow can hit speeds of mach 8454.8
8868778
Anyone who knows how measurements work knows that m/s isn't mps.
8869286
I know its just I had a doy moment.
8876482
It's alright.
Spike is like that shitty little red cherry on a milkshake, no one wants it and most people are appalled someone would put it there.
9203119
And anyone cares, why? You don't like Spike, good for you I guess. However he's still a main character at least in some aspect and thus he'll still be included, whether you like it or not. So unless you can deal with the fact that Spike exists and I don't care that you don't like him I suggest you please quiet down.
9217653
I totally agree with you on this out of all the characters spike actually has a chance to be interesting given his story so far is so little..... I also think that this is a great fic so far keep up the good work also I would thing Twilight would be more neglectful of Spike.... given how she acts in the show to him.
7790837
"allot" means "give or apportion something (to someone or something)"
You want "a lot"
Says a "being of great power"
That's too stupid for Celestia and hypocritical. I'm out.
An update! Holy smoke! I almost forgot I had this in my list. Now ESP shenanigans continue with actions packed chapter. Interesting to see Applejack got an upgrade. Wonder what she could do now.
psst...
Only one exclamation point.
Only one interrobang
More than one of either, including question marks, are usually reserved for comments instead of serious writing
9203119
The cherry is delicious and you should be ashamed
Same goes to you, arsehole
A N G E R E Y
9732591
You must have patience young one.
Patience is a virtue so many have forgotten.
... danm😅