Go Ahead "I Won't Bite"

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Comments ( 10 )

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King O Fools

King O Fools #1 · Dec 8th, 2016 · 3 · · No Mercy ·

The edge for the description is so much that it could physically scar someone on their wrist.

Immediately favorited and thumbed up.

Don't you dare end this edgelord story quickly.

King O Fools

King O Fools #2 · Dec 8th, 2016 · 5 · · No Mercy ·

His cutie mark was wings made of guns and knives with a sword in the middle going through a hearth with a halo on top, he was wearing a leather jacket and a white T-shirt that say DEAD in black curve letters.

Oh yes, that egde. 10/10

Sunny Spectrum

Sunny Spectrum #3 · Dec 8th, 2016 · · · No Mercy ·

I like the concept for the story, it's got a lot of potential. That said, there are some huge errors in grammer and spelling. All your verbs should be in past tense ex. "Her thoughts were interrupted when the colt ~~say~~(said) something that made the boss furious with anger." Also, there are a lot of words that were mis-spelled or incorrect such as "fallow" which should have been "followed," and "grand" which should have been "ground."

Overall I like what's happening here, but there are just so many errors that it makes the whole thing difficult to read. I would recommend spending some more time looking through the chapters before you publish them to make the story flow nicer and be more readable. That said, keep it up. I'm interested to see where this story goes.

INFUSCATE

INFUSCATE #4 · Dec 8th, 2016 · · · No Mercy ·

"We will visit you in two days." no-one says that. It should be: "we'll visit you in two days"

acroamatis

acroamatis #5 · Dec 9th, 2016 · · · Screams of Agony ·

As has already been commented, there are so many spelling and grammar errors that it's actively painful to read. Even in the summary (corrections in bold)

Dread Wing or Wing Terror is a 10 year old orphan who was born with razor sharp wings. He had a happy life but one day he and his family were attacked, kidnapped and tortured after witnessing 12 ponies being killed by some cannibalistic criminals called The Fangs of Dead. Dread Wing's parents were butchered and killed while Dread Wing was forced to watch, and was force-fed his parents' flesh. But this awoke something inside of him, insidious voices in his head. They told him to kill and eat the murderers of his parents. In so doing, he became a monster, a psychotic cannibal. After his massacre of those responsible for his parents' demise, he filed his teeth to sharp points to better rip the flesh of ponies and become a monster to all who do evil.

Quite aside from the technical errors, the writing in general is extremely sub-par, the dialogue is stilted and unbelievable, and... dude. The names. "Dread Wing" is hardly a MLP name. "Razorwing" might make sense, or "Night Slash", or... really anything but "Dread Wing/Wing Terror".

Dementia Ravenmane