RedVelvet Melody and a bunch of her friends, including well known Bronies/Pegasisters Vanilla Mocha, Galaxy Nebula, and Fallout, go through the memories of the old times to figure out where everything went wrong and right, but as they do this, old scars are opened and secrets are revealed. But under all of this, something is quietly ending their lives...
So does their time truly leave them? Or was the time never there's?
This is an OC story, so healthy criticism about anything is something I'd very much appreciate.. There will also be a lot of references you may not get, so like the great Doctor said....Google it!
Chapters (5)
I mean, it's okay, but I'd like to point some things out. Present tense atories are always tricky to perform, and as of right now, blending the first chapter with present tense that looks like past tnse makes it harder for the reader to get his attention. All of the speeches should be in separate paragraphs except if only one person is continuing to talk.
A couple of typos here and there, and some pronouns need to be capitalized.
7636818 you're one of those people, but I did as healthy criticism so I'll try to fix those mistakes, I mean I'm nothing like Edgar Poe or JK Rowling
I want to be in here too. But I know I can't
Good story either way
I would like to be in the story. My Changeling OC bio is on my user page. I hope I won't get in the way of the story-line though. Also:
What did you mean by that? To me, he was just trying to help.
7637734 why can't- oooo...
7638912 eeyup
But I don't mind
Aww~ ^D^
Are you gonna continue this story? Its not bad to read.
Aww!~ I look forward to the next chapter
When is my OC going to be added? (Just asking)
7672548 don't rush me you
7672567 Alright.
A mistake I noticed: How old are Scythea, Galaxy, Crystal, and Vanilla? When does this takes place?
This is confusing. With the first chapter being that their in School, and now their married and such, the readers would think like "Wait, Galaxy Nebula and Crystal Harmony, are married? While their at School?" If you want the readers not to be confused about the timeline, I recommend you do something like this for example:
20 YEARS LATER....
That way, the readers don't get confused and... ask the Author when the story takes place.
7675106 it's called infrencing that it takes place at a later time after the school days from how the second chapter starts.
7675113 Still, I recommend it, because the story doesn't say when they grown up, and timelines are important to a story. Besides, its just a few letters, it wouldn't hurt to edit for around 2 seconds.
7675117
I know it wouldn't take long but I like to make my readers brains work. It's fun
7675128 ... Of course you would. Its up to you weather or not you would take my suggestion.
Oh Rose!
7730882 I'm gonna....I've just been planning my OCs backstory and all the characters all at the same time
7731133 actually, I think I'm doing pretty good speaking how many fucking people think this story has already flopped. Plus this is the first story I'm fully committed to, so I'm sorry you think it's horrible and that I rushed it and everything has gone wrong with it. But the last time I checked, I'm one of the best writers in my grade, and I think the only one has a book in the works of being published.
So thanks for the telling me things I already know.
Should the v in RedVelvet Melody be lowercase? I mean, unless that was intentional...
8085295 it's intentional~