the mane 6 enter one of the most scary universes humans ever created.(this is my first story, your critique wold be appreaciated.)
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punk_eclipse
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"your critique wold br appreaciated."
It's not awful for a first story. There are quite a few grammar mistakes, things like changes in tense from present to past, misspelled words and capitalization errors. Most of those are things a spellcheck won't catch, so I suggest getting someone to preread your work if you can.
Your dialogue is pretty solid. However, most of the story is dialogue, which on one hand makes for easy reading, but on the other leaves your readers without much of a picture painted in their minds. Take a few paragraphs to show the setting in detail and to tell what's going on in the characters' heads.
As for the story itself, I have a hard time judging since I'm not a big Resident Evil fan (to my shame, I enjoy the awful movies and have never played the games
) I am interested in the fact that your story description has the mane six traveling to three dark worlds, so I'm assuming you are planning on taking them to more places than just the Resident Evil universe. This is a very cool idea. (It also might lose you some readers because readers of crossover fics like to be familiar with both universes in the story. Adding more worlds means needing readers who are familiar with more universes.)
The scene with Pinkie and the zombie was fun. The plot has not quite hooked me. Zombies are cool, but what you need is an emotional hook to draw your reader in. Why should I care if the ponies are stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse? It might seem weird to think you need to add drama to something like a zombie action story, but to make the reader care about the action-adventure stuff, you got to play to their emotions and give the ponies in your story a character arc. As an example, I'm going to use Alice from the first Resident Evil movie. Why should we care that she has to fight and flee from zombies the whole movie long? Because she is an amnesiac hero who may or may not have been a bad person before the story started. We are supposed to care because she is trying to find out who she is. That's her character arc. Now, you probably shouldn't give the ponies amnesia in your story. But you do need to give them character development and their own, internal, stories within your overarching Main Story. Of course, your story is just beginning so you have some time to do that, but the sooner you establish some reason for your reader to care what is going on within your characters, the better.
Okay, my response is probably running way too long here. You've got good dialogue and cool ideas. More descriptive paragraphs and getting into your characters' heads would improve things a lot. The only way to get better at writing is to write a lot and to read a lot of really good writing. One piece of advice I also tend to give a lot is this: if this is going to turn out to be a really long epic, you might want to think about writing a few short stories (I'm talking about one-shots with a single chapter to them) while you're at it. It can be discouraging to write thousands and thousands of words and only have a few readers and half of those seem to be downvoting your story. (Not that I'd know from experience or anything...
) Anyway, don't be discouraged. Try a lot of different kinds of stories. And keep writing.
876449 holy shiz on a bicycle!
876449 I´ll see what i can do about the grammar.
Taking some paragraphs to describe the location huh, I´ll do it.
I was planing the emotional hook to be twilight and her drama of not being able to use magic.
This will not be an epic adventure fic, it is actually my training for one.
Thanks for the tips, Here take a moustache
and a Rainbow Dash 
.
875987 Fixed
.
877413 I MAY have lost my mind. Have you seen it? But anyway, I have to agree with a lot of the other commenters here. I, as a non-brony, (yeah, that's becoming less and less believeable, CURSE YOU ATHOS/GREEN) I don't care much for the characters... to the point that I killed off a beloved character in the first chapter (Oh yeah, to any onlookers, this writing was a challenge between me and Chaos). As I wrote more... I started to gain more empathy toward one character that becomes a bit... crazy. Anyway, put a bit of suspense in it, seperate characters and make them look for eachother, make one hurt, make one sick, make one DIE, make one turn undead, make one sacrifice him/herself. If you can make a person pause after reading your chapter to think "Oh my, that was emotional, I'll need to take it in", you are doing a good job. In other news, I might as well upload the story here because it IS a fiction of MLP. I just don't know how bronies will react... oh well.
Good day, LizardComment (Well... more of Athos ATM)
I think you'd be best off just copy-pasting this:
The mane six enter three of the most scary universes humans have ever created (This is my first story, so your critique would be appreciated).
There's absolutely no shame in looking for an editor. I'd suggest you do so.
878432 you forgot your mind in silent hill. don´t you remember? That half pony half puppy half dragon stole it.
878955 Red? Oh yeah... should I submit my story here?
879049
879080 Okay.
YOU KILLED APPLEJACK!
YOU BASTARD!
891736 whoa, somepony read the story to that point
.
anyway, i had my reasons.
892480 everyone has reasons, but I was hoping for, you know, ALL of the ponies to visit the 3 worst worlds? That way they ALL suffer without dieing? I mean, NOW whos gonna be in the kitchen cooking at SAA?
"them too. I fear i might have inhalated something toxic"
inhalated should be inhaled
short chapter, you jumped too quickly, all in all, I'm not really up for another chapter, sorry
1029078 i know i jumped too quckly, but that's because i just ran out of ideas, stop the fic or jump a part? i chose the latter.