A human male (16 years old) arrives in Ponyville at the beginning of the first episode. He teleported there to escape the zombies plaguing his Earth, though Engiminer had no control over where the teleporter took him. He fights for acceptance and alongside the Mane Six in the battle against Nightmare Moon.
Please keep in mind that this is my first attempt at storywriting, constructive criticism is welcome.
Teen for mild language.
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I am intrigued. . . Proceed.
This... Needs alot of work. right now, it's a wall of text that hurts my eyes.
835122
Alright... What needs to be worked on? Fluency?
I'm guessing it's not 2012 on Earth... So he used his DS (whatever that is) to transform himself into a.. Pony?
Or can he use magic? Wait, no he's a human, humans don't have magic. Then again, he uses some kind of energy that starves him to change his magnum into a tranquilizer gun...
It is definitely confusing. You should explain things.
835438
I explain in a later chapter that an inventor by the name of Roy Scott (Made up name. Any similarities are purely coincidential.) was experimenting with artificial magic. These two devices utilize this to change my identity and weapon. Sorry about the slowness! BTW: The DS is the Nintendo variety. That is the form it takes, like the Doctor's TARDIS takes the form of an old London Police Box! Similar, but totally different. Anyway, I changed the wording to make it less confusing.
834639
Ok?
835961 Welp, there are a couple of reasons this has eleven dislikes.
1: Your username is the same as the characters. And If I'm correct, then the character will look exactly like your avatar pony.
2: Walls of text. See that little key next to the ' key? IT'S THE ENTER KEY. USE IT.
3: As for fluency, here's a tip, description. What this means is keep a constant flow of things. A.E if you have two characters talking about an evil villain's plans then have a variation of speech pattern.
Example (you): Rainbow Dash walked back and forth quickly "What are we gonna do about nightmare moon?" She said. Twilight went to the door "we have to go to the Everfree forest!" And the two were off.
Example (me): Rainbow Dash restlessly paced from one end of the tiny tree-library to the other, concern and fury fighting for dominance. "Twilight what do ya think we should do about Nightmare moon?!" She asked looking a mare who, up until a couple hours ago was a total stranger. Twilight sat at the small table, the sole piece of furniture in the otherwise barren library. After some time, she stood, her eyes clear and filled with conviction.
"There's only one thing we can do, go to the Everfree forest and find the Elements of Harmony!"
====
One last thing. For your description, don't just write a compacted version of your story; leave some ambiguity. The escape from a desolate zombified earth? That should be a seed of anxiety within the main character. If he spent most of his life constantly having to fend off hordes of walking nightmares, wouldn't you think he'd be a bit skittish? Scared? Cautious?
P.S: Start a new paragraph for every new person talking. And your character already built his house in the first two chapters? Are you gonna explain that or something or is it like- AND SUDDENLY HOUSE.
Trying to help in the meanest way possible- Mr. I
835961
Pretty much what 836124 said.
But I'd like to add, that, sadly, a lot of "Human in Equestria" stories get a lot of hate in general. Except if they have something really really really special about them. So don't be surprised if there are always a couple of dislikes, no matter how hard you try to write a good story. Haters gonna hate, after all.
836176>>836124
Thanks to the both of you. The Avatar was made when I was messing around with the pony creator. Also, keep in mind that this is my first try in writing a story. My description gets better as you go along, but not fantastic. Hopefully, the third and fourth chapters contain that "something special" you were talking about. And about the escape from Earth, he is a brony in the first place, so he knows there is no zombies to fear in Equestria.
[SPOILER ALERT!!!]
Though some Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is forced to take place in the next fic against Discord.
836124 835122
How's that? Have the intimidating walls crumbled?
836455sickchirpse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Jack-Blankenship-The-face.jpg
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU USED THE GODDAM TAB KEY GODDAMIT!
Lol ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
840024
What's wrong with the tab key!?!
844053 Wait no, you single spaced with the enter key.
My fault. It's easier double spacing, ergo: just keep hitting the enter key till there's a strip of white separating first paragraph from second paragraph.
844064
Alrighty then!
Good story so far, hopin to hear more. Also, I get to claim first
I'm interested to see where you take this.
856247
New chapter's out now. I already had this written out on paper, and I am finally getting around to typing it up!
Wow, it seems like everyone was busy on the 4th of July. So far like 10 of the stories i favorited came out with a new chapter today.
Huzzah, this isn't the end of Engiminer's story! Please continue, cuz I wanna hear more about him and hopefully hear about him during the Discord mishap.
868290
I am finishing the Epilogue today. I want to start the sequel as soon as possible, too.
868296*squee*
OMG, I d'awwwwwwed so much when Fluttershy slam hugged him. It was so adorable, and I hope you find the time and inspiration to make the sequel. Props man, and I think you also deserve a flutterhug for this.
Oh, almost forgot... FIRST!google.com/imgres?q=first+post&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&qscrl=1&nord=1&rlz=1T4TSNA_enUS469US476&biw=1366&bih=612&tbm=isch&tbnid=gsS-ttWwZCCM4M:&imgrefurl=http://greenpeoplesoup.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-was-your-first-blog-post.html&docid=l1SPwMtA_t0sCM&imgurl=http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_TkbcIBMy1Y/T2Ioh3r-T_I/AAAAAAAABGA/BAJcgUhFm7c/s1600/firstpost.jpg&w=395&h=480&ei=hrb3T5G9PKKe2wW3yv3vBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=229&vpy=2&dur=639&hovh=248&hovw=204&tx=112&ty=100&sig=107306680158380875212&page=1&tbnh=110&tbnw=91&start=0&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0,i:92
Hey man, it's Blake! Nice story, tell me when the sequel is up!
pretty good, thought he would be a little more jumpy and paranoid after a few years living in a zombie apocalypse. even though he knew he was safe
still i like it and shall read it
SOOOO ENVIOUS OF ENGI
Sheesh... Didn't think this Engiminer person would be that emotionally sensitive for public appearance.
wha???
put dispenser here