So long ago I ended up in this world, it was so much better then the world I was born in, so peaceful, so quite, so perfect. But now that seems like a life time ago. Now this world is broken, twisted, both it's people and it's land are no longer the same. All because of my and anothers existence. If only I saw the signs, if only I wasn't so ignorant and naive maybe the betrayal wouldn't have happened and this world would still be peaceful.
But that's neither here nor there anymore. I will fix what's broken so the people can live again, I will not rest unless I'm dead to repent for my mistakes. If my enemy's want a battle I'll give them something better.
I'll give them a war.
Hay everyone I'm your favorite host LOCKGATE brining you another displaced fic and just like my other story the epic tale of an overpowered idiot this this story will have original plot points that I'm positive you never seen before in a displaced fic and to prof it I'll tell one thing about this story be for you read it. The displaced character in this story is a SUB character he isn't the hero! And with that I leave you to the story, PLEASE ENJOY!
This story is crossed over with prototype.
Additional tag's.
Characters.
Trixie.
The crusader's.
Celestiea and Luna.
And the hero's Spike and Starlight.
Sounds interesting. Will be keeping an eye on this one.
I hate Displaced stories. In fact, I often downvote them without even reading them because Displaced fics have a 99.99% chance of being horrible pieces of shit. I do, however, make exceptions for Prototype stories.
That said, this story was about as good as I expected: IT SUCKED. I don't even know where to start with specifying the mistakes. Maybe the horrible grammar? No, the pacing was way worse. What about the poor detail that had me hitting my head against my desk? I had to reread parts of the chapter because they were so poorly written. How is this even a displaced story (of course if it's not that's a good thing)? The only even remotely good thing I could see out of this first chapter is the potential for a decent story. Of course, considering how poor this first chapter is, coupled with the fact that it's a displaced story by a clearly amateur author, I would be more than surprised if it got better.
7636277 I hate unnecessarily rude comments. There's a 99% chance they can be written better in so many ways. Like, there's literally no excuse for them. I mean occasionally I let them slide, but not always
Throwing around insults instead of suggestions is both lazy writing and a clear attempt at taking out one's anger on another innocent person. I don't know where to start with this comment. The unnecessary rude sarcasm? No, the utter lack of basic human compassion is way worse. What about forgetting that everyone has their start and may simply be unaware of what they're doing? I had to reread parts of this comment because seeing borderline bullies online always gets my blood boiling. What is even the point of this comment? The only thing even remotely good, is the fact you at least point out what is wrong. It has the potential to help the writer. Of course seeing how blatantly rude you're being, I doubt it is. You could destroy a new writers will to keep trying with crap like this. How many great fanfic writers on here would have stopped trying if they got feedback like this on one of their first stories? Considering you care more about being the "online toughguy" instead of an adult, means there's little chance your tiny brain will grasp what I'm getting at. Be constructive, not destructive, or fuck off.
7636277 Looks like someone's T R I G G E R E D.
Really, though:
7636277 I agree with a lot of points that you are raising, but I think that you are putting it across in the completely wrong fashion.
7636277 Rather than bashing on the author you could, and I'm just spit balling here, offer to help them out a little. After all if you're claiming to know all the worst parts of it, then perhaps you have a few good tips for them. Or even help to teach them so they can do better?
After all, if this fandom supports and helps one another. Then wouldn't make sense for you to do just that, rather than hate on someone for giving it their best shot?
Careful of run-on sentences, they’re very overwhelming.
“
.”
Good way of starting off your chapter with a chase scene. Watching two normal people run from a monster is always exciting. I’d suggest sprucing up your action though. Describe what they do while running, or what else might be happening. Like perhaps the creature swipes a vegetable cart out of its way that slams into a parked car, setting off its alarm.
Careful about continuity. I’m guessing you never re-read your stories for editing/proofreading. I know it’s taxing, but that’s how you get better. It’s one of the less glorious parts of writing. You said they weren’t together, then they suddenly are. Or did you mean the creature wasn’t chasing them anymore?
There’s a lot of wrong tenses, or words that sound similar to what you meant. That’s usually called writing phonetically. It’s what happens when you’re focused on typing out the story, and not the writing itself. You got a decent plot here and do well with scenes, but you need to work on the actual writing part. I’m sure you’ll make a great storyteller!
I’d also recommend using the women’s names sooner, accompanied by their brief descriptions; it makes it easier for the reader to keep track of who is doing what.
“
”
I’d specify what the exact injury was. The image in my head is her leg was hurt and she fell down. It’s not until a few sentences later that I imagine there being some type of claw in her calf muscle or something that the creature shot.
I’m also liking how the creature is more than some random slashy monster. Giving it a projectile attack was a nice touch.
“
“
I’d do less telling, and more showing. Like let the characters actions show what she’s thinking. For instance(Gonna call the nameless red haired woman sally): “Sally’s helpless stare trades off between the creature, and her motionless friend.”
“
”
While it’s a run-on, that’s a badass description of AJ and Pinkie! Although…six feet high? That’s pretty darn tall. And a few feet away is like…right next to the monster and Lyra. As I said, continuity. But it’s your story, if you want them to be that tall, your choice.
“
”
Daaaaamn! Nice! Once again, maybe add in some parts of what the monster does as it’s tumbling. Even some examples of sounds and actions as well. For example:
“The monster was about to screech only to be stopped by a ferocious flash of color. The pink girl had instantly closed the several meters between her and the monster. Her fist slams into its gut with a thunderous crack. The creature howls as it is sent back with enough force to make it helplessly roll backwards down the street.
Car alarms go off, as the monster’s arms crush through various shop windows and windshields. It lies facedown, as a nearby streetlight falters a bit before collapsing to its side. The pink haired girl stands there with a triumphant smirk on her face, as steam rises off her fist.” This has examples of sound effects and what happens to the environment as well, giving a more clear picture of what exactly is going on.
The rest of the story is really fun and exciting. My former criticism kind of keeps repeating itself. I’d recommend tossing your story into Microsoft word to help catch most of the grammatical errors. You have the makings of a brilliant writer, and I hope to see more!
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7636277 I throw out half of the resumes this company receives
I don't want unlucky people working for me
7636277 Yo, lad. If you don't like Displaced stories, then get out. No one needs your opinion. Especially a very rude one such as yours. I honestly hope that you never write a story because it would be cyanide to the eyes, just like your words are. This guy had a good idea, and worked on it. They put their time, heart, and thoughts into a thing that meant something to them, and your shitting all over it because you think you can. Fuck you, asshole, if I had a sliver of respect for you, its gone now. Of course, I would never respect someone such as you.
You and the four who upvoted your comment can shove it.
Slan.
Hello good sir or madame, I am your friendly neighborhood feline Schrödingers Katze and today I am here in my official function as Displaced story reviewer. So let´s get this party started ya?
For a start, let´s look at that flavour text of your hn? Aside from the fact that it is edgier than all the Hot Topic stores in the US combined, that you misspelled "Celestia" for "Celestiea" and that you gave away who the heros in this little play are right of the bat (boo, good author, boo), I can find little to no flaws here.
Let´s get into this then. Right into the first few paragraphs and allready I am stumbling over the first grammar error. I do not want to asume stuff but I spotted two full stops where it should have been questionmarks, the word "Hay" instead of "Hey" (unless of course it was an intended horse-pun that flew right over my head) and the word "mussles" when you without a doubt meant "muscles".
Now, as a purr~son who´s native tongue is German, even I found this slightly off-putting but then again, mistakes can happen and depending which program you use to write, even your otherwhise helpful auto-correct can throw the odd monkey wrench into your gears. Still, you might want and go find yourself a proof-reader because these few bloopers were just the tip of the iceberg. There are a few groups around on FimFic for just that, if my memory serves right. Two sets of eyes detect more errors than one pair after all. Trust me, I know from personal experience.
Well, onwards. You seem to be suffering from the infamous "Purple Unicorn" syndrome, seeing as you refer to Beth as "the red head" time after time after time after time. Likewise with Lyra. Now, a very easy way to avoid this is simply call them by name. Sure, it might feel strange for some to just announce "Bob and Betty strolled down the street" but it greatly helps avoiding aforementioned syndrome (which, I admit, I suffered too in my first time as a newly minted author).
Next, let´s see, oh yes, descriptions. Let´s take the section with the badge. It is nice that you gave it so much thought but like some other in the comment section mentioned before me, you tend to build tapeworm sentences. These are kind of tiring to read. So instead of listing each and every color of this badge, maybe just go with a description of how it seemd to change colors depending on the view, with naming only a couple of colors? The transformation scene and the following fight scene are pretty solid per se and it might just be me, being spoiled by professional epic stories but I think you could add a few more details in there.
Also, try to break it up a bit more instead of two solid chunks of text. Several small sections are easier on the eye and make reading more comfortable too.
The bit with Karen raging about people being stupeed when facing a deadly monster made me snicker because it is true. Good job on that one.^^b
Now for the pacing. This chapter is barely worth three thousand words, so it feels quite a bit rushed. It may just be me again but I felt like you could have put some more "meat" into this, if you know what I mean. Maybe a section from the POV of this, Swordsman, you called this beastie? Having some sort of insight into the monster as it stalks its prey, following their scent, heat signature, noises or whatever and anticipating a proper, bloody meal could serve to build up tension for the readers as well as being a opportunity to deliver some light fluff.
Ya, I think that was all there was to say so far. Now, my personal final verdict is that please, with sprinkles on top, get yourself a proof-reader or change your writting program at least. The continued HORRIBLE grammar mistakes make this painfully hard to read and are the most obvious reason people think all Displaced stories are shite in general. Get rid of those and I see no problem that this could be a good story in the future and something that deserves a place amongst good Displaced stories.
Thank you for your time and effort. m(_ _)m
Katze out!
7636561
Oh sweet Celestia!
I can't feel my sides!
7637013 I laughed.
7637178
Happy to provide amusement.^^
7636277 Wow, way to give feedback. Not. And you're calling the author an amateur.
You guys want a full blown editorial? Well, like I said, I don't even know where to start as it's so poorly done, but let's start with the description that's meant to pull us in as readers:
Of course, that's just the introduction and it's only my first impression of how to fix it. Any real attempt to remedy this would require days or even weeks of editing.
P.S. In case this point has been drowned out from my original comment: NEVER WRITE DISPLACED STORIES!!!! Most of my venom comes from my hatred for Displaced stories and I'm not the only one who considers them to be universally bad.
I'm not going to go over the whole chapter as that would take too long and require too much effort for what amounts to spite, but I will do the first paragraph as it is critical to open the story well:
Now I can't actually edit this anymore because the last sentence is an incomplete thought (among the many other grammatical sins it commits). But, like with the introduction, this would require significantly more work than someone's follow up comment.
7637676
>> Voices his spite for both the story AND the author
>> Edits the story
Cyanide.
7636294
You know, I had some respect for you. I saw that you had actually taken the time to come to the aid of a new author against someone who had legitimate criticisms but worded them harshly. Then I saw this:
Help me talk down this meanie pants who hurt someone's feelings!
You actually called in your followers to help you fight your battle. You can go ahead and take the moral high ground all you want but the fact that you called in reinforcements says that your confidence in yourself was so low that you had to call for help. That is so pathetic.
You know, you accused me of "borderline bullying" in your first response to me. What's closer to bullying? A single, not very influential, unpopular user harshly criticizing another user on a similar level? Or a much larger, significantly more influential, relatively popular user calling in his followers to help him talk down to a much smaller user he doesn't like?
The fact that most of the criticism against me is a result of someone tampering with the viewership means that your criticisms ring hollow. You can go ahead call me every name in the book, rest assured I don't have a dozen guys I can sick on you whenever I want. But also know that I do not regret anything I've said: I hate Displaced with a burning passion and, as you yourself have pointed out, my complaints are legitimate.
7638007 You are made of cyanide. No wonder you are so sour.
You know, I gotta ask, laddie. Why you being a dickhead to everyone? I mean, seriously. Does that get you off?
I like how your calling him pathetic, but then you go and insult someone such as Lockgate. You, my good man, are pathetic
.
That was not criticizing, what you were doing. That was declaring your spite for both the story and the Author for doing the story.
Ok, and thats fine. I hate Futa stories that somehow make it to the fucking Featured Box every fucking week but you don't see me going onto those stories and declaring my hatred for those stories and the Author for doing it (I only dislike some of the authors, most of them are actually pretty decent). No, instead, I keep my damn opinions to myself because its better for everyone that way.
7636277 you my friend are a dick! Dammit I don't have a richard nixon picture... Ah well.
7638218 nice man! Damn! You ripped into him like I rip in to donuts! I love donuts...
7638007 you know, everyone has to start somewhere. At least HE has two stories while you have none. So shut your fucking mouth about your fuckin criticism. He at least tried. A bet you weren't so good during your first time at ANYTHING. Much less Stories. Or sex.
Sooo.. I read the story. Yeah, you could use an editor. But good job none the less. Keep on going man! You have my attention!
>> Tamerlane1405.
You dare insult my reader's, the one's who came here for a good story, even if it is badly written they came here to be entertained. NOT to be insulted by some fuck nut who thinks he's King of the hill!
Criticize me in anyway you like; brutal honesty, rude, gentle, subtle I don't care. But don't insult my reader's.
You dare call Dark Chocolate pathetic! He has thirteen story's under his belt! How meny do you have? NONE! So don't go around insulting people for what they do or what genre they write! You knew what you where getting into when you saw "Displaced" in the description you've said it yourself you don't like them, how dare you walk in here and lashout because of your own stupidity!
And you don't even check the situation or the circumstance's of the author. I have to use notepad, NOTEPAD! Not everyone has the luxury of Microsoft word and it's autocorrect you toff nosed git! So I think for someone who didn't use autocorrect I think I did a pretty good job!
So before you run your mouth like a dick head you should get your facts straight, or better yet, DON'T BE A DICK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
>> Dark Chocolate
>> The Dark Soul
And all of those who defended me you have my up most thanks and my respect, if any of you need any help with story idea's or how to continue the one's you got now or just need to talk to someone don't hesitate to PM me and I'll reply with the speed of the gods (which means when ever I get the time. Life and it's constant drilling's tend to get in the way)
7639002 Well said. And no problem, lad. I got your back
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7639002 NOTEPAD?! Dude I'm so sorry, you have my respect for sticking through it. However you can make a google account and use google docs editor, it's not the best but its something. Also there's a group on here called Struggling Author and also Looking For An Editor. Both groups might be willing to edit for you given the circumstances.
7639002
So you have been reduced to name calling! You know, you should really be thanking me. Without me this story would've gotten just as much attention as your other story: none. Now, 100% thanks to me, you're getting editing offers, support, and a lot more ratings than most new authors can dream of (even if a lot of them are still negative).
Weird how everyone who has commented against me has attacked me for my tactics, not the fact that this story was poorly written. I'm more used to defending myself against people who say stuff along the lines of "you're wrong because..." not the simple "fuck you." These attacks get less and less coherent as time goes on. Then again, you're all only here because some guy saw a single harshly worded comment and decided that it was pressing enough to let the world know about it. Imagine if the entire internet was like that, oh, wait.
By the way, that double arrow button at the top right of my comment is what you press in order to respond to me directly. And before you jump on the self righteous bandwagon that everyone else is on (which you already have), just remember that no one has criticized my points, only my tactics. Your story was not well written. My argument, whether you want to accept it or not, has been universally accepted. I'm only being attacked because apparently I was mean about it, in other words, ad hominem attacks.
And google docs is free. I suggest you use that.
7639526
>> Attempts to end an argument
>> Incites another argument by insulting both parties.
More Cyanide.
7639279 An argument is like a Democracy. If the majority is against you, then you lose.
Get out.
7640073
Since when has this been an argument? No one has argued against the points I brought up. It is now and always has been you and a series of other FIMfiction users throwing insults at me. Weird because I never broke any of FIMfictions rules. You, however, have:
General rule #1:
No personal attacks, in public or otherwise.
Please point to a single response where you did something BESIDES directly insult me. The fact that you're now telling off someone who's trying to mediate the disagreement speaks volumes.
7640127
This whole sentence right here is an insult to the Author himself. Ill refer you to my last, now.
7640152
Although I'm just as eager as you to put this behind me, I feel like I should respond as this is the first time you have tried to objectively attack me with something besides "fuck you."
This is attacking the story, not the author. You yourself along with everyone else who decided to cyberbully me into silence has universally agreed that this statement is true.
The author himself has said this is a Displaced story. God forbid I hold a negative opinion of Displaced.
So when you say that I'm insulting the author I assume this is what you meant. Let's look at the dictionary definition of "amateur" shall we:
a person who engages in a study, sport, or other activity for pleasure rather than for financial benefit or professional reasons.
Unless this guy's getting paid, which I can personally guarantee he's not, this statement is objectively accurate.
And now we have my opinion, one stating that, thanks to all the elements working against the author, his story will likely not work out. According to you this is the worst sin I could possibly commit but hey, that's just your opinion.
So, unlike you, I have not openly attacked another user for committing the sin of using strong words. I use this site under one simple rule: if you can get reported for doing it, don't do it. Harshly criticizing a story is not against the rules so I am well within my right to do it. Cyber bullying is not.
7640302
I don't remember ever agreeing with you. Also, we are not cyberbullying you, we are defending this dude from your cyberbullying.
Then why did you fucking read it, pendejo? Seriously, you knew what you were getting into when you clicked the damn first chapter and began reading.
Now your just covering your ass. You know how you meant it, your just trying to seem innocent in front of anyone late to the party. You actually meant it as an insult, especially with how you worded it.
Fucking hell, your bringing my headaches back. I am not even gonna say anything about this one because it brings out your retardation and actually boosts my side of the argument even more as you just admitted to bullying the dude.
7640419
Your attacks have devolved into nothing more than insults, strawmen, self-righteousness, and utter contempt for someone who has committed the sin of wording his argument in a way that hurt your feelings!
We're done here.
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7636660
Enough. This is done. Either ignore the people you don't like or be polite with your disagreements. Next person to try to get the last word in and continue arguing like this gets a short ban.
7639526
This guy gets it.
7640663 aight. No prob.
Aw crap... I'm not gonna get banned for saying that, am I?
7640663 Very well then. I shall move on.
PlsdontbanmeIamnotarguinganymoreIamsimplytellingyouIunderstandandwillcomply.
well, at least it's not another suicide note, gotten like 2 of those in the last month