Chapter 1
Celestia and Luna traveled the depths of Everfree forest looking for their quarry, a particularly loathsome stallion who was targeting little kids for his sick sexual enjoyment. They spotted their target about 30 feet from their current position in the forest's depths. Celestia was about to power up her teleportation spell to deliver her death blow when her target was jumped by 6 unknown ponies dress in black. Celestia looked at her sister and saw the same questions in her eyes.
Who were these ponies? Were they accomplices or not? If they were, they're fate was sealed. Curiousity getting the better of them, Celestia and Luna activated their stealth spell and crept closer to get a better look and listen to they were saying before deciding on what to do.
"Well , well, well. Your crimes have finally caught up with you, eh, Sunfire?" Said the first pony. His coat was blue, his mane and tail were white. his cuite mark was a gavel.
Sunfire was a fiery orange pony with yellow mane and tail. his cutie mark was baseball and baseball bat.The fear in his eyes was real.
"Just kill him and get it over with, Hammer." Said the angry second pony, a female. her coat was goldenrod and her mane and tail were cyan.her cutie mark was a police badge.
"Not that simple, Silverflame. Remember, he commited his sick crimes not only in Canterlot, but in Fillydelphia, Manehattan and Cloudsdale." Hammer replied.
Hammer put a comforting hoof on Silverflame's shoulder. " I know, Silver. Own your son was one of his victims." She nodded her thanks.
Celestia and Luna were not surprised by this news. They knew about Canterlot and the other crimes hence why they were here.
They turned attention back to Sunfire, who was held by the third party member.
Hammer sighed. "How to punish you, Sunfire." I mean, Jail is too good for you. Death and its various ways is too good for you. Banishment is too good for you as well.
"Slice his stallionhood off?" A third pony suggested.
"Beat him to inch of his life?" a fourth pony said.
They looked at Hammer. The lead stallion frowned in thinking, then it hit him.
"Blazing sword?" Looking at the fourth Stallion. His color was a beautiful red with golden mane and tail. His cutie mark was 2 swords wreathed in flames.
Yes, Hammer?
Do you have the black box i asked you bring with us?
Blazing Sword produced a shiny black box with ornate gold striping on its surface. This he handed to Hammer.
Hammer accepted the box from Blazing Sword and opened it brought out something wrapped in a silken cloth.
He removed the cloth and revealed a crystal gem with the size of a grapefruit. There was a blue light shining in its center.
"See this, Sunfire?"
"Yes, Hammer. I know a wishstone when i see one."
"Good. Silverflame?" Since your son was one his victims. Its only right you cast his punishment".
She nodded.
With that said, Hammer gave Silverflame the crystal.
"What you gonna do, Silverflame. Wish me a good luck party?" Sunfire said, grinning.
"No, worse." She said coldly ,her eyes hard as diamonds.
His smile fell at the tone of her voice.
"Since you like assaulting mares. I WISH YOU TO BECOME ONE!!!!!!" She screamed at last words.
"NO WAIT."
A blue beam of light hit Sunfire in the chest and soon enveloped his entire body. Soon Sunfire felt waves searing agony as the blue light changed his body both inside and out.
"I'M ON FIIIIIIIRRREEE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH."
"MAKE IT SSSSSSSTOPPP. PLLLLLEEEEASEEE. STOP."
Celestia and Luna watched the situation unfold from their hiding place. The sheer audacity of Sunfire's punishment left them speechless.
Sunfire's plead for mercy soon took a higher note sounding more and more female. His penis split and became teats, his butt widen and a vulva appeared, his face took on a female look. Sunfire's body jerk this way and that as if it were in the final throes of death, each move worse than the last. Just when the stallion could take no more, the blue light retreated back into the crystal, its work done. Silverflame gave the crystal back to Hammer who then wrapped it in the cloth and put it back the box. Gone was the fiery orange pony with yellow mane and tail. In its place was a teal green mare with light pink mane and tail.
"Sunfire." Hammer said.
"What?" She replied.
"Your money, holdings, Titles and estates are no longer yours. They will go to your victims families."
"BUT THAT WILL LEAVE ME DESTITUE!!!!!!!!!!"
"Exactly" Goodbye and forever......................Mare.
The group left the former stallion where she lay.
The newly minted mare got up and immediately jumped around at a sound, only to find Princesses Celestia and Luna looking at her.
"Princesses. I.....I...Can Explain--*"
"Save it." Celestia replied with dangerous tone in her voice cutting the mare off. "Time for you to die for your crimes."
Luna then burst out laughing.
Celestia looked at her sister as if she had grown a second horn.
"Luna, this is no time for laughter."
"Come now, Big sister. His punishment is perfect for him, err her."
This brought forth fresh peals of laughter from Luna.
"Celestia, our beloved sister. Think about it" Luna said reasonably
Celestia frowned in thought.
"This miscreant doth assault mares and innocent little colts. What better punishment than to live for the rest her life as one of our gender?" She said pressing her point.
"I see your point, Luna. Perhaps he/she will learn friendship lessons as like you said; one of our gender." Celestia mused.
"So he lives?" Luna asked.
"He lives." Celestia decreed. "For now"
Luna went to Sunfire and pressed her horn to the new mare's throat and said savagely.
"Don't thee think we have forgiven thee, Dolt" "We said that thou shall live. If thou want our forgiveness............Earn it. If thou ever returns to thy evil ways. I will personally scoop thee up and drag thy sorry carcass back to Canterlot to my area, then i will deliver such torment onto thee, it will break thee in hours."
"I" Celestia chimed coldly in. "will heal you and then hand you back over to my sister."
Sunfire was so terrified, she'd peed on the spot.
"So your friendship lessons well, Sunfire." Celestia commanded. With that both Goddess' vanished in a flash of light.
___________________________________________
10 years later. Place: Manehatten.
________________________________
A teal green mare with light pink mane and tail sat down at one of the tables in a place called Silver Unicorn. Silver Unicorn was an upper scale restautrant in which the mare worked as a hostess and was almost closing time, plus she was exhausted plus the Bits she was getting as pay was excellent so she couldn't complain. Silver Unicorn's owner came from the backroom looked at her.
"You gonna help close tonite, Selene?"
"Yea, i'll do that, Amrit."
The stallion nodded his thanks and walked out the front door.
"You haven't told him who you really are and your past." Said a voice from behind.
Selene turned to see Celestia standing in front of her. It was all she could do to not jump from her skin.
"No, Princess. I haven't." She looked at Celestia up and down while saying: "Why are you here?"
"To check on you. Its been 10 years since your..........change." I must say you have improved a great deal. Luna's choice to keep you alive was the right one."
"Like i have a choice? Selene said with sarcasm. Maybe me and luna can lay in bed and**"*
Selene found pinned to the wall in seconds. At first she thought it was Celestia's powers but then saw the Princess's nose inches from hers. Celestia had pinned her there with brute strength which was immense. She had her forelimb across the other mare's chest.
"You will speak my sister's name with respect and keep your sick fantasies out of it, Sunfire." Celestia said. Her voice full of steel., her purple eyes full of anger.
"
Yes, Celestia." Selene wheezed.
"You still need work but like i said you are improving, remember our threat still stands."
The white princess let go of Selene, then turned around and headed towards the door.
"Why do you care about wretch like me, Celestia?"
Celestia without turning around she said. "Because if i don't, no one will. Especially Luna." With that Celestia was gone, leaving Selene to ponder.
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Good Criticism is welcome. Like the story? Great.
Don't like the story? That's ok too, but please explain why in helpful manner so i can improve it.
Please avoid Bad Criticism because those will be deleted. Why? It doesn't help me or any new writer get better.
817211 And here I thought the past people pointed out some good things...
Okay, first and for most, grammar. As with basically every fiction, there are some, simply proof reading or getting a pre-reader will help with this. Also, try reading out loud when proof-reading; it'll help you catch more mistakes because you actually have to form the words where your mind can 'fill in the blanks'.
Secondly, there are a few problems one might find with the transformation. One; a member doesn't equal teats on a women, so why should it change into it? Also, the flank doesn't /need/ to get bigger for a pony to have a vulva; though that can be passed off as part of the transformation as a whole.
Thirdly, the actually plot doesn't seem that well thought out and feels rushed. The story feels like: Stallion rapes mares and colts, gets transformed into a mare and then continues on in life. For your OCs, they weren't drawn out at all; they were stale and forgettable.. I just read the story five minutes ago and I can't recall their names or characteristics. And this story seems to have some underlying conflict on women/mares since a punishment fit for rape is changing the offender's sex type.
Fourthly and finally, a big one; Show, don't tell. X happened which triggers Y that then turns into Z. The story has little detail and is easily forgettable because your telling the reader what happens instead of showing them.
819547
1) I'm looking for a Proof Reader. Hmm. Speaking out loud?Ok i'll try that. As for grammar. I'll admit, it isn't perfect, i do try.
2)Ok, i'll see if i can fix that.
3)Ok, ok. I'll admit. It still needs work.
How i long i should work on story before releasing it. A day. A week? Month?
4) Ok. so more detail.
819706 Honestly, for the time you should work on it for all depends on how good you are as an author and how big the chapter(s) are. A lot of writers feel a good frame of time is a week, though like I said, it all depends.
Ok, Week it is. Also, I just begun reading it out loud like you suggest. I was like "Why would Sunfire's attackers be view as Accomplices?" So i'm beginning to see your point.
Ok i just finished reading(Out loud) and it does feel rushed.
Also, my characters look flat to me. So it looks like i got some rewritting or expanding to do.
I'm still new at this, so i'm no Aegis Shield or Visiden Visidane, but i'm feeilng like that's what some members want me to be.
Holy crap this is just PAINFUL.
1. Sit down, read it out loud, and you will find about 90% of your errors.
2. Add in details so it doesn't read like a play, he said she said he said she said. Where are we? Is it hot, is it cold, are there bugs, what time of year is it, are there any things of note happening around us while the story is happening.
3. Explain the origins of the "crystal"
4. Why are the royal sisters out looking for a singular criminal? They have thousands of guards for that.
5. REALLY clean up your speaking lines. If you change speakers, start a new paragraph. Put quotes around places where people are talking.
This needs a LOT of work, and frankly I think you should take it down and completely overhaul it.
Well, I did read it out loud to myself. Well, it..............feels.................... Well.............. Very Flat.
I'm currently hitting stumbling block. Part of me says: Its done. I suppose that's my inexperience talkin.
826904 This group may be able to help you, they have some really good information in it: School for New Writers.
Thanks, Man. :)
826757
It is being revamped. I find your suggetion of reading out Loud very helpful, Aegis.. You too zac zac.
One tip for you. Try to give your story more depth.
Take your sweet time in writing it out and really expand detail in your environment, characters ect.
Here is good example of what I mean.
( wrong). Twilight saw the sunrise in ponyvile and it was good. She enjoyed it very much as a sun watching habit. " I love the sun." It is a good morning in pony, she thought
(Right). Twilight's eyes watched in amazement, as the sun's brilliant rays of warmth were rising in the early dawn. She smiled as the sun's gentle warm lightly toasted at her cold face and its sweet teasing caress on her tired body had reminded her of why she loved sun watching. " Ah, I love the beautiful sun rise in the morning and how it the precise timing can always be calculated down to the second." This is good morning to study the science of life and read my literature, she thought.
See the difference? Also typing from phone so hope it's not too bad
4754044 I appreciate the tip, lighting dash 13. It is very helpful.
Yeah, dialogue wise, you should be able to not even use a name and yet a reader should able to identify who is speaking.
In fact without putting a name to any of the following sentences; I am going to write a one sentence dialog for each of the mane six, see if you can correctly tell who is saying what.
"Ah swears, this here apple buckin', sure can make ya work up an appetite."
" Hmmm, what design scheme should I use in making my client's new dress?"
" The Wonderbolts are going to train me; ohmigosh, ohmygoshhhhhh,ohimygosh!"
"No, that's...okay, that is... I don't mind... um, you can go ahead of me.
"YAY, IT'S A PARTY; COME ON EVERYPONY, LETS PARTTTTTY!"
" There is nothing science can not help us understand or solve in life."
Now White Wolf ONLY. Try to guess who is saying what piece of dialog.
4755469
______________________________________________________________
That's Applejack. She bucks Trees for a living.
That's Rarity. She's a fashionista and entrepreneur who dreams of making it big in Canterlot.
Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie
Twilight Sparkle.
Correct.
That's my final tip for you friend.
My little secret is that instead of trying to think of what would be a good dialog for character "x", I become character " x".
It can be difficult at first, however after a while of practicing ; you will find the dialog part will just flow naturally. Just practice the fine art of " character empathy"
Also side tip, never try to force a story and let ideas come on their own accord.
Well, good luck to you and I hope this little bit of tips helps
4755832
I'll Remember that. Thanks.
Oh my... I'm so sorry.
Okay, others pointed out various wrong things with your style. I'll address a different thing: the non-punishment. How is being a female such a terrible thing? How is it a punishment at all?
Let's imagine there's a serial killer from Minnesota, who chooses to murder Canadians. He's caught, and as punishment, he's given Canadian citizenship and his American citizenship is revoked. "You kept killing Canadians - so now feel how it is to be one!"
5003585
The point of that was:let punishment fit the crime and walk in some else's shoes. The bad guy in the story was unrepentive. Looking at it now, i now see it was a rush job.