The Christmas Suprise

I had been out working collecting wood for the fire , it had gotten late so I started to head home dragging the log filled sled with me. It was heavy so it took me longer to get home. I had reached the door and went straight to my room. I took off my clothes and opened my window as soon as I got into my room. I walked over to my bed and sat down . How long had it been since I had moved out here a year or more. I left home when I was just seventeen and had moved out here to the country. It was peaceful out here and I enjoyed living by myself but I was lonely. It was Christmas night so I went to sleep shorty after my head hit the pillow. I woke with my alarm going off "Damn it why did it go off anyway I had set it to go off at 10:30 am" I looked at the clock "Fuck it was 11:00 am" I had over slept. I head out to the kitchen to get my morning cup of coffee. I was still in my boxers and did not care what people thought it was my home and I live how I lived. So I sat my coffee on the table and deiced to put on some pajama pants. I walked over to the hamper I kept next to the fridge and found some Pinky pie pajama bottoms and put them on quickly and slipped on my Derpy Hooves Slippers. I loved My Little Pony and did not care who knew. I was going back to my room with my coffee in my left hand until I heard a noise from the living room. I sat my coffee down on a stand with a picture of my family and a vase that I did not use for much. I quickly ran into my room and grabbed the bat that I had standing next to the left side of the wall and started to walk towards the living room door when I heard the noise again. As I entered the living room I walked towards the tree and notice a present was placed there for me. Weird because I had told no one where I lived and then the box made a noise which made me drop the bat and jump a foot in the air. I was trying to walk towards the box when I was close enough I touched it and it was not moving or making noise so I placed it on my couch and deiced what was in it was alive. I had started to remove the top of the box until I heard a voice "Daddy? Daddy?" I had started to freak out until I took my hands off the lid and seen it rise all by itself what popped out was a light blue little filly who stared at me with neon blue eyes and yelled "Daddy Daddy Daddy!!!" She jumped out of the box and almost hit the floor luckily I had caught her before she hit the ground I sat her on my lap and she smiled at me and I smiled back not sure if this was a dream or not. She had a Snowflake cutie mark and she was calling me Daddy. I knew this had to be a dream so I took my left hand and pinched myself really hard *ouch* not a dream. She looked at me "Daddy you ok?" "Yes I am don't worry umm.....Snowflake." She smiled as she got a name that day. She looked at me later that day and tired following me outside as I got my stuff on to go back to collecting wood I knew I could not leave her alone so I sat her on the sled. She was screaming for joy as we where going down the trail. I had found some pieces that where stuck in a snowbank next to a tree I had recently cut. I picked up the pieces of wood and stuck them in my bag and looked at the sky it was starting to snow and I was worried that Snowflake might get sick so I rushed home and we made some hot chocolate for the both of us she smiled at me and we watched a couple of shows together both of us fell asleep on the couch. Time went quicker when snowflake was around. Four years had passed I had watched her grow and taught her how to read and write. She was nice to have around and I did not feel lonely but I had a feeling in my gut that time for both of us would be cut short. One day she asked me where she came from. I still had the box from when she appeared that morning that changed my life. "Snowflake I don't know where you came from but you came one Christmas morning and just appeared under my Christmas tree and that is all I know". "Hey dad I love you" She said. "I love you too sweety" I said. We had fallen asleep and where both snoring until I had landed on the floor with a thud. *OWW* I said which had made Snowflake look down and laugh as I laid on the floor. We both Smile at each other and drank some hot coco Later that day I went to work. Snowflake had followed me to the spot where I had been cutting down trees for fire wood. I was in the middle of cutting a piece of wood when I had heard a scream from somewhere in front of me. My hand had been holding the wood and next thing I knew I had lost three fingers. I had taken of my shirt and wrapped up the hand and started to run towards the screaming. I noticed that a dog was chasing my daughter. She seen me and ran behind me and I bent down to get a stick. She was stopped running as soon as she was behind me and the dog was getting closer and closer. It was in arms reach *Snap* went the stick when I hit it over the dogs head. I seen the dog yelping and picked up my daughter with my good hand and we walked home together. I had picked up my fingers that where on the ground. She noticed that I was hiding my left hand away from her and she was started to look worried. I had sat here on the couch and went into the kitchen. I had grabbed the first aid kit and bandaged my hand I had left a trail of blood on the ground. I had cleaned it up before Snowflake walked into the room. She seen that m hand was wrapped up. "Daddy what is wrong? Why is there blood on the floor and what is wrong with your hand?" I looked at her "nothing don't worry I am fine go back into the living room. I will be right there ok? She looked upset and walked back into the living room. I sat down next to her and she looked at my hand. I told her it was nothing but she seen that my hand was missing some fingers. She looked horrified and started to cry as she thought it was her fault. I told her it was my fault that I got hurt and I hugged her not letting her go. We where both asleep in minutes after that we where in each others arm and passed out on the couch after that horrifying event.

Author's Note:

Gonna make second part soon

367 views

Comments ( 2 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 2
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Dj7291993

Dj7291993 #1 · Aug 25th, 2016 · · ·

First off, this comment isn't intended to be negative, so if it comes across that way, I apologize. My intent is to give you some suggestions on ways you can improve.

I think the premise for this story could be very good. The short description made me think of My Little Dashie, which is probably one of the classics on this site.

However, I almost didn't read it because of the description. Not the content of it, but the grammar. I decided to go ahead and give it a go anyway. Unfortunately, I found exactly what I found was even more grammar issues. Now, I'll admit up front that I am not a writer. I did pretty good on essays and stuff in college, but creative writing was never my forte. However, I do a lot of reading, so I've got a decent idea of what to look for.

The first recommendation I would make is to use paragraphs. 1300 words in not one paragraph worth of information. While, to my knowledge, there is no specific length a paragraph has to be, some general guidelines are usually a minimum of 3 sentences, though in some cases only 2, and not more than 9 or 10. The way I decide when to break them is anytime there is change or break. So, the end of a scene or though would be a place. The other way is just looking at it. If it looks like the paragraph is getting long, then find a clean place to end it and start another. I would recommend reading some different things to get an idea of how long they typically are.

The next thing is your sentences. You've got kind of an odd mix of choppy and run-on. I would recommend learning how to use compound and complex sentences. They can be helpful in cleaning up some of the run-on sentences, though you'll still need to break some of them up. As for the choppy ones, try to think about how it actually sounds. Does it sound like bullet points, or does it actually sound like a story.

-My alarm went off.
-I woke up.
-It was 7am.
-"Stupid mornings."
-I head downstairs.

Vs.

*Beep, beep, beep* I groggily roll over. "7 am already?" I grumble to myself. Oh well, time to get up I suppose, I think as I roll out of bed. I grab some clothes and head downstairs in search of breakfast.

I know I'm not very good at story writing, but do you see the difference? The both give the same general information, but the first doesn't read like a story. It reads more like a list, which, unless you're Twilight, isn't very exciting. Yours isn't quite that bad, but a lot of it reads more like a list than a story. That will become smoother with more practice, but it's something you should be conscience of while you're writing.

The last grammar thing is making sure you do quotes correctly. Unless you are using quotation marks for just a phrase or slang (i.e. I think the kids call that "cool".), the punctuation should always be inside the quotation marks ("Good day to you, sir." vs "Good day to you, sir".) I would recommend doing a little research on it, as I know there are times when you use a comma in place of a period in quotes. I just don't write enough to remember all of the rule.

One thing you can use a "find" or "find in page" feature to help with is extra spaces. You didn't have a tone, but in the first part, you had a double space and a space before a comma. An editor/prereader would also be helpful for catching those things.

On the less technical side, you may want to reasses where you put you detailed descriptions. For example, it really doesn't amtter to the reader that you keep the bat on the left side of the room. Howeverñ it would be great if you spent some more time describing Snowflake, since you are introducing the only other important character in the story so far. Again, I'd recommend reading through some stories, both on here and some published ones, and watch where the authors spend their time.

If I judged it merely on times spent, getting up in the morning was a more important part of this story than him meeting Snowflake, the namesake of the story. That seems a little odd to me, especially since most of it doesn't really do anything to build the characters.

And finally, be careful with realism. I get that this is fanfiction about magical talking horses, but if you get too unrealistic, it can break the immersion you've built with your reader. The place where this jumped out in your story is losing three fingers. The pony may be magical, but if a human loses 3 fingers to an ax, then tried to patch it up with bandaids, he's not ever going to wake up from "passing out". He's going to die. I think you were trying to go for her feeling guilty about him geeting hurt for her sake, but try to keep it a little more realistic. Either he would need to go to the hospital, or make the injury less severe.

That's about it. Again, my hope is to help you grow as an author, not to make you feel bad. If you havrn't read it, I recommend reading My Little Dashie. It is very well written as a short story, and gives a good example of how to write a lot of what I think you tried to fit in this story. I wish you the best, and have a great day!