CoffeeBean
Joined 15th Jul, 2016 ·
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- CoffeeBean · 39k words · 61 7 · 2.1k views
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This looks very interesting (and very depressing), and I am definetely going to be reading it through as soon as I have the chance.
That being said, it is lacking...uh, for lack of a better word, I'll say polish. Particularly with the formatting of dialogue. I'd be happy to highlight my thoughts better in a PM if you'd like. For now, consider me very intrigued.
Nice
7448661 Glad to hear you liked it!
Didn't finish the sentence there. But otherwise amazing chapter!
7456630 Oh shit, thanks for finding that.
I went through that chapter like 10000 times and never saw that.
Also, glad to hear you've enjoyed things thus far!
7456633 Of course! It was an amazing and emotional read. Thank you for writing it!
7456685 Thank you so much for your feedback! You are officially the first person to have read my story all the way through!
I'd like to ask, what was your favorite part throughout the story?
Wow, this story is very similar to The Death Of Princess Luna by GigaBowser. Except the roles of Celestia and Luna are swapped.
7464720 I read that fic long, long ago; and it and Past Sins influenced this story quite a bit.
Was it at least an enjoyable read?
7465530 I've just started reading this. I'll give you my opinion once I finish it.
Pinkie Promise
7456795 My favorite part was the detail. You had lots of good details in your story that really helped to paint a picture.
7468301 I am a detail freak; that's for certain. I meant more of like a favorite chapter, though.
7468306 Oh! I'd have to say chapter 23. :P
I'm about to start reading the new story you just started :P
7468308 Funny, my friend Cody (he's in the comments by the name OndavaNeedsBuff) stated that too was his favorite. I can agree to that statement, though; it was easily the funniest chapter to write and was the most exciting.
7468312 For sure. Your new story sounds like it'll be great by the way.
7468317 Chapter 1 is still in the workings. I've had to re-do it twice now because I have a terrible time figuring out how to start stories.
7468338 I'm sure you'll figure it out ^-^
You clearly know how to write, it's just that starting is the hard part.
Oh my...
That torture scene was disturbing,
Honestly, I was expecting Celestia to be harder to break, but she broke down to tears rather easily. Then again, I would be crying if I were in her place.
Damn it, Luna.
If you had allowed the recovery of the helicopter, you would've realice that it was shot down and discover that Celestia's body is missing.
7470714 Celestia's body was recovered by that point, or at least it was officially said that the body had been recovered. There are other things she would have noticed... however.
7470679 I actually find myself in concurrence with what you say. Looking back, I think she broke down a little too easy, but then again; she's never been tortured physically.
Oh man, I feel so bad for Celestia.
I have two questions: 1) How much do you know about medicine? 2) Are you russian?
7471810 Interesting questions... I know SOME about medicine, enough for me to somewhat accurately describe situations like the ones in this story (drilling a small hole in the base of someone's skull to prevent blood from causing excessive pressure on the brain is a real method, by the way.), and no, I am not Russian. I like their language, and I like the Stalliongradian theme and setting.
Ok, maybe they're under mind control, but I find Celestia's revenge so satisfying.
7472435 I love seeing how you react to everything happening: what you have said is EXACTLY what I want the reader experiencing!
This chapter was amazing.
So when this story started, Celestia broke down into tears easily and every time she tries to resist it end badly for her, then she was completly defiant to her captor because by that point she didn't care anymore what they were doing to her.
But then the White Stallion makes a mistake and we learn what happen when Celestia gets bloodthirsty for revenge. And this chapter, she defeats an entire battalion all by herself.
Go Celly!
7473175 Good god... have you spent all day reading my story? I'm flattered
7472444 No one has commented in most chapters, so I figure I would do it myself.
7473293 I appreciate your input more than you could imagine
I like that bit of foreshadowing.
7475828 Funny you say that; it was completely unintentional! Also... are you re-reading the story?
7475855 Yes, I like to read what I might have missed in my first read.
I've the habit of reading stories more than once.
I have a massive question about this chapter: Why Luna didn't arrest Star Yield? She just let him go without even removing the aura.
7481645 Ah, you have spotted a plot issue that I have known of for a while. Maybe she's just too shocked to react. There are other ways that part could have gone, too. Why didn't Star Yield give Luna the aura?
The simple answer is my own negligence in writing.
Even if I were to acknowledge the fact she could remove the aura, it would just be stated that Star Yield thought she might try some shit, so he had some sort of anti-magic stuff going on with him before he and the Admiral went in.
1. I'm pretty sure that you (the writer, actually there is no other you in that conversation) liked the story Past Sins, as using the same base plot, but doing it much differently
2. Loved the story (not much more to say to that statement)
3. So if Celestia always thought that Luna would be behind all this to bring eternal night, then why isn't she wondering why the sun is up once she's free.
4. I would like to know more about what happened after the story.
5. I'm bad at writing feedback :D
7582967 thanks for your comment, and you are indeed right; Past sins gave me a lot of inspiration all those years ago. As for Celestia not wondering about the sun, I never really mentioned it, but in my mind she suspected the sun staying up because Nightmare Moon had not returned, and she was maintaining the sun to keep ponies happy until then.
I'm glad you liked the story! I spent a good while creating this and it's cool to see someone else enjoyed it.
7583391
I just realised a 6. point.
6. I will definitely keep that story in mind, cause it has lots fo Russian text and I'm currently trying to learn Russian.
7583530 if it interests you at all, i just put out the first part of a new story, and if you enjoyed this i think you might like the latest one! Im on my phone so i cant give a link, so just click my profile and youll see it
Hey CoffeBean, I created an entry for this story in Tv Tropes.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/BeneathTheSunsSurface
7620421 oh my fucking god...
I have been reading this for 4 minutes and I'm dying. Thank you for this.
7620421 Once again... this is a fucking INSANELY in-depth of my story. Oh my god, I never realized how many tropes there were.
This made my day. Good fucking job, man; you have no idea how happy this made me.
7620452 You're welcome
,.... and I haven't even finish that page yet, it still underconstruction.
7620488 I have noticed some typos and things. Also, there are some things I could nitpic, such as the 'wounded bad-ass' trope. Celestia can overpower White Dust and the others because it's canon that she has incredible physical strength.
Just a little nitpick.
7620513 There's no 'Wounded Badass' trope Handicapped is the correct one, and the typos are because english isn't my first language (I speak spanish). I'll try to fix the mistakes and if anyone want to help improving the page I'll appreciate it.
Here's a question: When the Order was planing to use Celestia as a vessel for Nightmare Moon, Why did they need Celly to be in a near-death state?
7622505 Both her body AND mind would need to be in horribly wounded states; if , the spell wouldn't work properly. The torture was more or less to weaken her mentally more than physically; a weak, almost insane state of being would be needed, since the spells first step was replacing Celestia's conscious with Nightmare Moons.
7622505 I just looked at the article again, and it got much better. Seriously, this synopsis is fucking spot-on... except for the 'Chekhov's Skill' trope. Celestia does not escape to Stalliongrad; she is already in it. The Black Forest is located on the Stalliongrad/Gryphon Kingdom border. It would have been a Chekhov's Skill if she ONLY spoke Russian; but it's stated she speaks around 20 languages. If she ended up in Germaney or Prance, it would have been the same case.
7623032 Hmm, Thanks for pointing that out I'll fix it when I can, that being said it's still consider a 'Chekhov's Skill' since it's a form of foreshadowing, Celestia speak 'Prussian' early in the story, this skill end up being usefull later in the story. As for Celestia ability to speak 20 languages I'll put a 'Cultured Badass' or 'Omniglot' entry for that.
7623096 That's better; and you're right, the foreshadowing certainly makes it fit that category.