- Member Since 6th Jun, 2016
- offline last seen April 19th
LukeTheMercenary
The key to success is dedication and perspiration.
LukeTheMercenary
Joined 6th Jun, 2016 ·
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- Chambered · 1k words · 25 7 · 446 views
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I Want More
7389804 Then more is what you will get
7391278 bro love this story. Keep updating
7392106 Thanks! I plan to upload every night. Glad you're enjoying it!
7392170 Fuck Yeah!!!
sorry not to criticize but there is no 2nd person. Not that I don't like it, its just the labor is wrong unless Ur addi g it later
7392352 Hey, since you like this story, I got a question for you: how would you like it if Applejack and Ellis started to have romantic feelings for each other in the future?
7392971 honestly I Dont give 2 SHITS. But yes please do it will turn very interesting
7393509 Ok, I got a few ideas...
7394050
MUAHAHAHAHAHA
7394868 AHAHAHAHA!
The music started in my head the moment I started reading this :)
I'm really loving the fact that you get into how Ellis feels about his situation. So many times that element is left out of action horror.
I like the action you got going on here, but I feel you could put a little more flavor in it. Don't just describe the hits play by play. Help me feel the visceral reaction of that axe hitting flesh, spewing out gore. You have the gore tag, so you can go all out. Get wild with those descriptions! Make em as wild as it is to play the game and see waves of zombies turn into a fine red mist when you take em down with the heavy machine gun. Those kind of things. :)
Awww they both have country accents! They were made for each other <3 <3
Your story is very procedural, moving from one location to another and making sure to keep track of the movement of characters. It's really good that you are keeping in mind their progress through the world (and no doubt through the actual level, which is really cool), but you can stand to cut out some of the movement description. Instead, focus on the character interaction, or the terror they feel, or the monsters creeping around and then periodically remind us where they're moving so we'll be more focused on the action and drama then the location.
That's both adorable and horrific. Hordorable?
I love that line, 'Hustle in the muscle."
Try to vary up the wording you use. You have "scared" here three times, and there's lots of variations you could use instead, like frightened, unnerved, unsettled, terrified and so on. www.thesaurus.com will help :)
"Help! AJ Help! It's...choking...me!" Ellis yells.
It's good to see AJ show her muscle in a situation where Ellis was doing most of the legwork. This now puts them on even-ground leading to the end of chapter 1, which is important because both characters need to be able to hold their own and be equal in terms of fighting prowess so the reader can feel they have a chance to survive.
I like this story! Really good job! Keep in mind some of my suggestions and I feel you can make an even better Action Horror!
Fav and upvote! :D
7396182 Thanks! I'm glad you like this story. I have been working hard on it, and I've been taking notes on what I should do. I will most certainly keep your advice in mind when I start on Dark Carnival. I'm actually going to start on it in a few hours from now.
Thanks for liking!
7396218 Jacksepticeye SPEED IS KEY reference!!!!!
They ARE adorable
7396218
Sweet! Good luck on Dark Carnival! That's one of my favorite levels, especially the finale :)
You'll see your writing evolve as you continue. It'll happen naturally over time. But you're already pretty good in your execution and your level of grammatical refinement. Keep it up! :D
7397953 LOL You noticed! Good eye!
Yeah.....Somethin' else
I'm just waiting for the horrifying moment when a Tank bursts down a wall of a 'saferoom'. I always want that moment in zombie games, especially L4D.
I'm liking this Story A lot. Its been a While since I've seen a L4D2 Story. Keep Up the Good Work :D
Cool
7414885 Thanks man! Glad you're enjoying it!
I know its Still Early into the Story but... How is Applejack Going to get back home ? I mean I can maybe see a Recall Spell From Twilight on Magical Residue From the Teleport Spell.
7415611 Don't worry. I know what will happen...but it's a secret...
7394050 I bet they bang
Freckles are life.
7399470 the wet spot that had developed in her nethers.
So she ate the plastic bottle too?
Well, somepony's playing hardball.
7422536 Totally.
"No Fucking Way." I got it. Get them Firecrackers Popping. Also Maybe a Little Grenade Launcher Present For Ellis ? With a Little Incendiary Ammo ? (P.S. Still Enjoying the Story)
7423314 I would never forget the grenade launcher.
I am saving that item for a special moment... 
PS: Glad you're enjoying the story!
7423358 Hehehe I hope its Good. Also Don't forget the Chainsaw and the Gnome...
More. I want more.
7428769 Then more you shall have...soon...
7428960 FUCK IT'S CANCELLED
7542460
If you read my latest post, Ive decided to finish the story. It ails me to know that I didn't keep my promise.
AJ's adorableness is love. Aj's adorableness is life
Awesome. Love the ending.
Amazing
*squee* these two are sooo cute.. How have i not thought of this ship before?!
Awesome. I liked it a lot.
Horse pussy
8031857
this has one of my favoriet stories
8040451 Aww, thanks! Worked hard on it!
Hahahahahahah! You sir are funny!
8135342 I couldn't resist it....i honestly couldn't....