• Member Since 8th Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen Aug 1st, 2023

Genderswapped


All stories are under the rule of rule 63 and if you don't know look it up

T

Princess Bluebelle a young mare with Dusk Shine a fresh new prince. Will they be able to team up to stop a out of control killing machine built for the great war. There is only one problem Bluebelle is not one to play well with others especially Dusk shine.
WARNING!!!! Rule 63 is in effect on this world.
Bluebelle=Prince Blueblood
Dusk Shine=Twilight Sparkle
Artemis=Luna
Solaris=Celestia
Spines=Spike
Gleaming Shield=Shining Armor
Tempo=Princess Cadance

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 8 )

Well it's an interesting concept but this seems to be more crack-fic material than anything cause ultra powerful enemy that dusk and blue can defeat and its like we jumped right in the middle with no build up to said enemy along w/ the fact that they were easily defeated just killed no butchered the story.

Although this is my opinion.

You know, the story is quite good, but I feel like it's not very great right now. The story seems quite rushed at points: one minute we're dealing with Bluebelle and her paperwork, next thing you know they're being captured in the Everfree forest. There is also general errors in the story such as improper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Also your story changed it's tone of voice several times, going from present to past tense, and going from first person to third a few times, which makes the story a bit confusing to read. Another thing to note is that you should always start a new paragraph when a new person (or pony in this story) is speaking, but only when a new pony speaks, and I've seen you start a new paragraph when the same pony is still speaking.

But overall, the story has a somewhat good plot, but it just needs to be more developed and explained to kinda coax people into the story without just rushing into problems or predicaments hoping to catch people's attention. I really hope to see this story grow since it's in the world of Rule 63 which is my #1 most favorite thing people on the internet do, but not enough people make, and it saddens me. ;_;:raritydespair: But, I will keep my eye on it, you have a tracker right here. :twilightsmile:

I will take note of both of these comments

7380835 To respond: click the symbol in the top right corner ( took me ages to figure it out )
I like the idea of all of the characters being Rule 63d, it adds some fun to any story.
This story does have potential; but it needs to be slowed way down and be given time to breathe. Some more character interactions to show their relationships, some events/incidents to show the world we're in, etc.
Potential; just needs to be slowed down. :pinkiesmile:

Wait, I thought that Spike's Rule 63 name was Barb, not Spines.

Well I've heard it both ways and I prefer spines rather than barb

I'm just gonna say it wouldn't hurt to have a bit more character development in the story. Also, put a line of space every time you start a new paragraph, and remember to indent the first sentence of that paragraph. It wouldn't hurt to get a proofreader, either. There's just punctuation errors that made some of this a bit confusing. And I'm just gonna be picky, but I would have seen Bluebelle as like Project 16's mother rather than a sister. Kinda like how some animals, the first living thing they see they portray it as a mother figure. But, nice new chapter.

7380835
Now that I'm looking back, I'd like to apologise for my scathing comment earlier.

This fic has potential, it's just very raw. Do you have an editor? If you don't, you really need one, or a proofreader at least.

Tid-bit:
Relax, don't rush the story, write at your own pace.

Try to get some build up, perhaps some background on Bluebell, Dusk or this new enemy.

As I said, it's very raw, but with some refinement it could become great! An uncut diamond as they say.

~Midnight Gear

Login or register to comment