Cupcakes 2:Appimena

by PinkamenaPie

Appimena's Cupcakes

Cupcakes: Appimena

It was a normal day in PonyVille.The skys were filled with pegasis,the sight of wonderful magic from unicorns and the ground bustling with clatters of ponys walking to their destinations.
Scootaloo was laying in a cloud dreaming of where Rainbowdash might be.Suddenly she heard a shout."SCOOTALOO!"Came the voice from below.Scootaloo's left eye opened a notch to peek at who was calling her name.As she looked down fifty feet from the ground she saw her old pal, Applebloom.Smiling to who it was Scootaloo raised her head and yawned.She then flew down to Applebloom."What's Up Applebloom?"She said doing some morning stretches.
Applebloom looked really eager to do something."Come with me to Sugar Cube Corner!I think I've found a way to earn our cutie marks!"She shouted excitedly.Scootaloo nodded and followed.
When they got close to Sugar Cube Corner Scootaloo came to a halt."Wait,what about Sweetiebelle?"She asked."She's part of the Cutie Mark Crusaders too."Applebloom just rolled her eyes and walked on."She'll be after you!"She said sternly."It's only able to fit one pony at a time."Scootaloo just went with the idea.
Applebloom opened the doors to Sugar Cube Corner."First you."She said waiting for Scootaloo to enter.Scootaloo walked a little quick.She couldn't even think about what her cutie mark will look like.As she walked in she saw Pinkie.Pinkie was holding a bag of pink dust in her hand.The bag said something but Scootaloo couldn't quite understand it.Pinkie then grabbed hold of Scootaloo."You're in need of some rest...we need you to rest while we set things up."Pinkie whispered into her ear.Scootaloo was a little confused but ended up getting a little shut eye on the couch.When she woke back up she felt something sprinkle on her nose.When Scootaloo opened her eyes she found Applebloom smiling while putting the pink dust on her face.Pinkie was smiling with a creepy grin.Pinkie walked over and looked at Scootaloo with a wide eyed look."Nuh uh...go back to sleep!"Pinkie snapped her fingers.Scootaloo started feeling dizzy and drousy.Suddenly, she fell to the floor with a THUMP!
When she woke up she found herself in a dark room.It was really cold...around forty five degrees,maybe forty.Scootaloo was shivering.She tried to move her arms over her to make herself warm but, they were closed down on a wall.Metal straps were just below the top of each hoove.There was also one around her neck and waist."Where am I?"She asked herself.The last she remembered was getting dizzy and hitting the ground at Sugar Cube Corner.She had a really bad sore on the back of her head it felt really hot like it was about to burst with blood.Soon a tiny bit of white light shone on the ground.She saw yellow hooves.Applebloom appeared into the light."We meet again..."She said wearing a dress with cutie marks from ponys on it.On her left ear were different horns of different colors from unicorns.Her back she wore pegasis wings that were many different colors and sizes.Around her neck was princess Luna's horn."Hi Scootaloo."She began to get a slit in her eyes."Let's begin!"
She went over to a table on top a white cloth.Scootaloo gulped trying to say her words."Begin what?"Pushing the table over to Scootaloo, Applebloom replied eyes halfway closed."Helping Pinkamena..."She then shoved the table the rest of the way.Scootaloo gave a frightned look at Applebloom.Applebloom started to put her hoof under the cloth grabbing something."We're making CUPCAKES!"She shouted gleefully.Scootaloo was very confused indeed."..With me tied up?...I don't get it?"Applebloom slowly hiding it from Scootaloo took out a carving knife."Oh you'll get it soon enough..."She replied not hesitently but quickly.Quickly she hid the knife behind her back only letting the blade stick out."Pinkamena will like your taste..."As Applebloom said this Scootaloo rested her eyes upon the knife.
Scootaloo's eyes started to tremble.Suddenly, she tried all her strength to get out but couldn't do it.Applebloom held the blade in front of herself."Try as you might.Still, you won't be able to get out..."Scootaloo tried to come upwith an excuse not to get killed."Y-You can't do this...I'm your friend!"She knew it sounded dumb but she needed to get out.Applebloom's pupils got really small she then gave a stunningly creepy smile."Dash said the same thing!Pinkie told me!No worries you'll last a long time..."
Hearing the news about Dash she started to cry."DASH!"Scootaloo shouted sadly.Applebloom went and faded into the darkness.Soon, she brought back in a stuffed version of Rainbowdash.Seeing this it made Scootaloo cry even more.Applebloom ringed in her comment."Here she is all well and stuffed!"The things different were hat she had no wings and she had a insision on the stomouch."...Dash...no..."Scootaloo cried.Applebloom made her way toward Scootaloo."Scoot,I want you to know that I'll always ALWAYS be your friend."Applebloom said cutting Scootaloo's neck a little to where it bled.Applebloom then licked the tiny bit of blood off of the knife.Scootaloo stuck her tongue out in disgust.Applebloom started to cut lines along the edges of the arm and made her way up then stopped at the vein.She then took a scraper and scraped the insicions off.Scootaloo saw the flap of skin come off and almost started to puke.Soon after, Applebloom got some shears and started to pluck the feathers off her wings."EEEEEK!"Scootaloo shreiked.
Applebloom smiled at Scoot's shreik."Having fun?"She said using the shears to cut a piece of skin off of Scootaloo.Scoot was able to hold that scream in.Although she whimpered a little.Applebloom got a cupcake from the kitchen and brought it back."Try one..."She lowered her voice to a low screeching voice.She then shoved it into Scootaloo's mouth and forced her to eat it all the way."This one was made from Dash...GOOD?!YUMMY RIGHT?!"Scootaloo threw up from the thought it was Dash."W-w-What?!Dash?Made into a CUPCAKE!?"She screamed.
Applebloom started to get annoyed by this continuing screaming.So, she then went back to the table and got a tazor.She flicked it on."Will...you...ever.....SHUT UP!!!"Applebloom shouted angrily.She then shoved the tazor into Scootaloo's other arm.Scootaloo felt a big shock from the tazor and passed out.Eyes open tears stroking down her face.Applebloom shocked the tazor on Scoot's cheek to wake her up."NEVER...FALL ASLEEP WHEN I'M WORKING!!!"She screamed histericly at Scootaloo.
Applebloom then grabbed a cleaver and started to cut of the skin to Scootaloo's stomouch.As Scootaloo saw her body she yelped for help.Applebloom grabbed her head."If you don't want this to come off then you won't scream AGAIN!"Applebloom then startyed to grab a needle with some kind of drug in it."This will make it to where you barely feel pain!Yes,Pinkie used it on Dash also but you'll live."She then stuck the needle in Scootaloo's chest right smack in the middle.
Applebloom soon got a permanent black marker.She placed a line on the stomouch for where the insicion would be."hmmm sorry I have not much more for you...I'd hoped you'd last longer but NOPE."She then grabbed a scalpel and cut on the marking.The cut nice, steady and deep.Scootaloo cried even more and started to shiver.
Applebloom then used a saw to cut the bones that were in her way.Sometimes when they were too tough she used acid.
Scoot didn't feel pain,but she did feel acid dripping down her legs burning the skin off.Applebloom struck an idea in her head."You know I have something good for you."She then pulled a machine toward her and strapped Scootaloo in the straps.The machine strapped on her all fours.It was plugged in.'What's this?!'Scootaloo thought as Applebloom walked over to a lever that said ON on one side and OFF on the other.
Applebloom flicked the switch in an instant.The machine started to roar.
Swiftly the machine pulled out all of Scoot's limbs.The muscles were tearing apart.Blood splashing all over her and the machine.Once it was done Applebloom turned it off.She then gathered the bloody limbs and put them in a fridge for later.
Applebloom with bloodied hands walked over to Scoot on the concrete ground.She lifted Scootaloo up and put her on a table that was for these kind of things.And chopping up intestines.With tweezers she took the large intestine with a FLAP!After that came the stomouch.When she took that out, stomouch acid spurt out of it a little then stopped.After a couple of the intestines it was the heart's turn.
Scootaloo already started to feel cold from lack of blood.She knew herself that she would not last long.
Applebloom took the knife again and cut the heart loose,feeling it's beats.When Applebloom had it out Scootaloo felt real cold and started to pass away.
Applebloom saw this and with that she said something Scootaloo couldn't understand.
"Farewell,Scootaloo..."
Applebloom then sliced all the intestines and brought all body parts back to Pinkie."Here Miss Pinkamena!"She said as she handed the body parts to Pinkie.Pinkamena smiled happily and thankfully."Did you turn the security cameras on so I can watch afterwards?"Pinkie asked washing some blood and acid as well off of the skins and intestines.Applebloom nodded her head like it was a bouncy ball.Applebloom then had an idea.Rarity taught her how to sew and Pinkie taught her how to make a costume out of a pony's body.Applebloom trotted downstairs to the basement and carved Scootaloo's face off.Ears mane and everything.She then took it back upstairs and washed it.Then she headed to the crafts table and started to sew the pink ribbon to the mask to fit her size.She then poked Scootaloo's eyes out and a hole in the mouth.Applebloom then took the mask and put it on.She then had a rememberance of Scootaloo.As she wore it she helped Pinkamena make a Scoot cupcake.They decorated the top with a cutie mark they thought Scootaloo would've had.
Then they served bunch of those cupcakes at the festival.Everypony loved them...until their number got pulled up.

Startled Applejack heard a shout in her ear.Two shouts...Applebloom?Pinkie?She woke up finding herself tied up and in the presence off Pinkie and Applebloom.Both with smiles on their faces."What in tarnation is goin' on here?"She said worried.Appimena and Pinkamena looked at each other."We're making CUPCAKES!"They both said at the same time pointing at Applejack.

Comments

[50orSoHydrogenBombs]

Oh sweet Celestia. Another Cupcakes sequel.
...
...
...
WELL THEN I GUESS I BETTER READ IT!

[Sparknanator]

784193 your right srry person who wrote this i will be more than glad to help you edit it and giv u a few pointers

[Darkevony]

784193
I do not bring tidings of hate, only lolz with pics. And I said "Good if at all possible." Meaning I'm neither holding a legion of hate against it, nor am I praising it like the mass praise modern media, in which case you can't hold anything against me. I would give an honest review if I could get myself to read fanfics at all, and even worse with the wall of text.

This is a dark place in the internet, whether we like it or not. Do no try to disown others from their belief no matter what they say or do. It'll only bring hate. You know, I never understood trolls. Hate always leaves a sour aftertaste. Those who like that kind of thing always pass me by as masochists or something. Weird.

His/her writing style is not bad, blatantly, it is much better than most. He/she must not understand the formats and concepts of writing yet. Or at least did not try on this one. As far the cupcakes sequel go, I could careless. A story is measured through the writer, not the predecessors of the concept it is trying to portray.

Nothing is ever outdated. It is like building a light bulb, many trials an errors will endure, but soon you will have created it. And soon, another person will come and improve upon it. Many.Multiple.Times

Anyways, I have ADD to conquer and stories to write, ciao

[Loganberry]

First of all, FlowerWolf's comments are certainly worth reading. I'd have been delighted if I'd had such thoughtful comments on my earliest fanfics many years ago. We all have to start somewhere!

I definitely think you'd benefit from letting someone else see your writing before you submit it here. I suspect that some readers will give up when they see a misspelling like "Rainbowdash", for example; a second pair of eyes helps a lot in spotting problems like that. The spacing, too: there needs to be a space after every full stop (period), comma, question mark etc, and a blank line between each paragraph.

As others have said, the other main problem is the subject matter. There are a billion reworkings of "Cupcakes" out there now, and a lot of readers are tired of them and so will simply ignore them. If you think up an original story of your own -- even a short one -- then I suspect you'll find that readers are more willing to help you improve it. It's up to you, of course, but maybe you could try your hoof at a story more like those the series has. Not the same plot as an episode, obviously, but a simple story that aims to leave the reader thinking, "Well, that was a nice little tale."

Finally, don't be discouraged by looking at the score bars. Writing for a public audience is very different from writing just for your friends, and you will find that you're judged much more toughly. Treat that as a good thing: if people are willing to take the time to give you advice, then that means they're hoping you can improve your writing. One day you may look back on this story as the first step towards something big. Good luck!

[PinkamenaPie]

784193

Thanks for the help in this critique!
Most people don't think stuff through! xD
I'm actually in a work in progress of another story!
Also this was my first fanfiction ever! xD
Again thanks for the help! I really do need it!

[PinkamenaPie]

786251

Thanks a whole lot!

[FlutterShyShy]

Don't let them discourage you Little Sis~ you're still learning so just do your best and I can help you as well as many others who have offered to help you! Don't worry

[PinkamenaPie]

784202

Thanks I really do need the help!~

[PinkamenaPie]

787977

Thanks sis~

[Cubettable]

I know there have been several critique comments on here but I'd love to give you a few pointers as well

Well, first, make paragraphs, I had the same problem and I had a huge amount of people yelling at me for it
And to be more specific make paragraphs between each quote. You should have somepony else read over your fanfic or you yourself should look over it and correct the mistakes, it would also be helpful making rough drafts of your stories. You should make the ponies in your story more in character also, so the reader can actually see the pony in the story doing whatever it is that their doing.

To be honest, I'm only on my second fanfic but I have been writing stories for years. If you just correct the mistakes the fanfic would actually be extremely interesting
Where did you get the idea for this particular fanfic, anyhow?

I'm also envious that you have a 'sis' on here, my sister absolutely hates MLP and is creeped out by the bronies

[Cubettable]

784202 You have humiliated yourself and I suggest you go delete any hateful comments you have ever made on any fanfics, and I'm sure there are several. Judging by your awful grammar I doubt you can write any better
If you keep doing shit like this I think you should get the hell off

[PinkamenaPie]

789037

Yeah, thanks and someone is proofreading it for me at the moment~
I got the idea from the fanfic 'Cupcakes'.Mostly from this few sentences.
“Miss Pinkie, what are you doing”?
She paused and turned to look at Apple Bloom. The yellow baby pony walked up to her with an angry look on her face. Silver Spoon started to feel relived.
“Ah can’t believe your doing this.” She pouted. ”you said this one was gonna be mine.
Pinkie apologized “Oops, sorry about that, guess I got forgot. Here you go.” She handed the blade over.
Apple Bloom climbed on the table and stood over her prey. Silver Spoon tried to struggle. She stared in fear at Apple Bloom and her apron. The pink apron with a shiny tiara on it. Silver Spoon started to cry.
Apple Bloom grinned and open her mouth “Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank”?

And yes, I do have a sis on here! She's the one that got me into my little pony!~

[Fluttershy[mlp:fim]]

Awesome job! I love cupcake sequels!

[PinkamenaPie]

806433

Thanks! Most people didn't like this for some reason and thanks for the favorite~

[Fluttershy[mlp:fim]]

Do not listen to haters this story is just fine! I really enjoyed it! You should make more!

[PinkamenaPie]

812255

Yes, at the moment I'm making A Story called 'Insane By The Minute' The two main characters are Twilight and Fluttershy.
It's going to be a sad and dark story.
Can't wait to finish it! It will most likely not be a one-shot! xD

[Fluttershy[mlp:fim]]

Yay that one sounds exciting i cannot wait to read that one!

[Little Brave Heart]

I don't see why there is so much hate going on here. Even though theres hundreds of cupcakes sequels (I even did one, though it wasn't where a pony gets killed its completly different). But seriously people! Even though this isn't the BEST story it doesn't deserve so much hate and 32 dislikes.

[PinkamenaPie]

1040154

Exactly! Hey, Btw. I read your fic and I love it~

[Little Brave Heart]

1086276 aw, thanks! Glad you liked it.

[MrCreeper97]

Fingers?

[PinkamenaPie]

1382440. I sometimes accidentally add human details...

[Moniker]

Wow, this is a troll fic.

[FluffyDude100]

I guess some people don't like cupcake fics, but I do so I gave this a like

[Princeling]

What's with all the hate for this fic? I haven't read Cupcakes, I don't read M rated fics, but I know the story behind it and everything. This was awesome, scary, gut-wrenching, everything I want in a gory horror fic. Sure, the grammar and spelling were kind of bad, but it was awesome otherwise. Have an upvote and a fav from me.