neorenamon
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ok, well that happened
Why do I feel that Pinkie wants Mac to taste 2 more pies?
The only deep plot here is Marble's.
WEEEEEELLLLLLLP
Thank Celestia he didn't bite.
Challenge accepted.
Dem cousins.
Pinkie's reaction
Rainbow Dash's reaction:
Fluttershy's reaction
Applejack's reaction:
Apple Bloom's reaction:
My reaction:
And then I was all like
And now I'm like...
Lots of tense issues, bad prose, Pinkie is bizarrely OOC.
7292576 Just between you and me, it's more of a haiku than a poem. It's written by Maud Pie after all and I have no idea what rules she uses for poetry, so I just used rock a lot.
7292919 That's hardly an excuse.
7292576
Don't just write one line saying it's bad. That's not interesting or helpful. It's just mean.
7293802 I'd agree with you if what I had written was "this is shit and you should feel bad," but I gave specific and definite reasons why I didn't like it. They aren't even all that hard to fix.
7294672
"Bad prose" is specific, definite, and easy to fix, in your book?
Listen, you can hate it all you want, you can give unsolicited writing advice all you want, just at least put a little effort into it. Otherwise you're just doing drive-by mockery and it's nasty.
Hell, you didn't even use full sentences. Just imagine a comment like yours in real life.
"Too hard on the accelerator, don't check your blind spot for long enough, aggressive lane changes, maybe signal more," says some fat kid passing your car at a red light, lips smacking on some treat he got at the nearby convenience store.
His companion gives him a shove and says, "That's mean."
To which he replies, "What? I didn't tell him his driving is bad and he should feel bad. I told him how to fix his bizarre driving."
7294747
7292576
7294747 Fine. I'll get specific. I noted because I believed these things to be obvious when I read, and a simple proofread would have gotten most of the problems.
(1) This is a run-on sentence.
(2) Lavender unicorn syndrome is present, but I am not sure there is a good way to avoid it here without ruining the effect of the opening.
"Once upon a time, there a was a pink party-planning pony. She was bringing a big red stallion to the bakery she worked at, after hours, for a very special blind taste test of a pie had had never had before."
This... doesn't sound right coming out of Pinkie's mouth.
(1) Logical flow - There are two ideas here: Big Mac wondering if he is alone in the room, and him eating pussy. Ideally this is two distinct parargaphs. Don't be afraid to flesh out the details a little more.
(2) Grammar - "hear another" what?
(3) Crazy clop plotlines aside, if someone took me to a blind pie-tasting I probably would have bitten down on whatever the pie I was eating was supposed to be.
Lavender unicorn syndrome.
He's not even taken aback by how sudden this is? If he is (which would be in character), you need to flesh that out.
(1) Wow, he sure doesn't seem quite as eager now, which is entirely inconsistent with the above.
(2) Pacing. He has to pull his head up and step back for the reader to get the clue off the bat, otherwise the reader has the wrong mental picture until this
Colloquially, pussy refers to the entire area that the labia encircle, not just the vaginal opening. Also that leads me to
At risk of sounding like a cheap erotica whore, vagina is probably the most un-sexy word in the English language. Get more creative. Make it sound dumber; don't ever write "vagina" unless you're trying to deliberately be unsexy
.
Don't use "rather" or "apparently" damnit. You're the author, you know these things! If you want the reader to infer this, flesh out clues in the scene.
(1) Technically it's above his stifle. Did you mean barrel?
(2) "She just leaned closer" Do or do not, there is no "just."
(3) I giggled at "big ole shaft" but I think you should use "giant shaft" or something to the effect.
(1) It wouldn't make a popping sound because there's no air that was displaced by his sucking on it.
(2) The fact that the pie was inside her cunt wasn't mentioned earlier in the story, or if it wasn't supposed to be inside, it's not clear because it says that her juices "replaced" it. (Putting pie inside a vagina is also a surefire way to get a yeast infection, but that's besides the point.)
It's not Pinkie's responsibility to ensure this, and it's honestly a turn-off to write it this way. Look, they're fictional characters and you know exactly why you're reading this story — for that hot pony fucking action.
(1) Logical flow. This is the juicy bit. Add more details, split up the paragraphs into logical units.
(2) Why would he need help rearing up?
(3) She's still hogtied on her back. Him putting the weight of the front half of his body on her hips is going to be both unnecessary and excessively painful for her.
(4) "vagina"
Again, this just sounds wrong coming out of Pinkie's mouth :|
Paaaacing. That transition hurt. If it was supposed to be a figure of speech, use hyperbole such as "hours passed."
(1) You miswrote that question. She said no and he's fucking her anyways. RAPE.
(2) Pacing. Marble shaking her head is its own paragraph. Big Mac shoving it back in there starts the next.
(3) Yoda. Big Mac didn't have to "begin to" do it, he did it.
Pinkie shouldn't have figured, or assumed, or guessed, just known. Or not cared. If you rewrite Pinkie's prior question to something analagous to "Do you want to keep fucking," then Marble can say "mm-hmm" and that thought can be entirely avoided.
Slightly too isolated and random of a thing. Can she at least wipe away her tears after that?
Don't give me a fucking biology lesson, this is porn. Also, Yoda.
(1) All these occurrences of "Pinkie figured" seem to indicate to me that you are writing from the wrong perspective. If you want third-person limited, that's fine, but you need to write more objectively and not force the reader to blindly accept what you (the narrarator) thinks. If you want to add personal perspective, it is easiest to do this in first-person.
(2) I'm assuming he's blowing his wad, not his "was."
(3) Break this up into two paragraphs. The anticipation of him cumming and the actual cumshot should be one paragraph. What happens afterward should be another.
(4) Again with the "minute" thing. Just because you have control of time doesn't mean it's easy to accept without a bit of filler.
The interrobang is generally reserved for disbelief.
He's surprised, right? He should be. After all, nobody told him he was being watched.
Sudden, awkward jump from past perfect to past.
[/hr]
As a manner of aesthetics, leave an empty space between paragraphs. It is easier to read.
7294906 Okay thx.
As to the reason for licking instead of biting: Perhaps it's just me, but if someone blindfolded you for a taste test, you don't just blindly bite into it. I've had people try to slip me hot Habanero peppers and tablespoons full of cinnamon powder like that. They've also tried to slip me spiked drinks and a few other things. Big Mac seems to me to be common sense cautious like that.
7296491
Still had to be scary for Marble.
Oh Maud, you're so shameless.
Like a... a... like something inert and emotionless, and generally difficult to move. The word escapes me for now.
7287995 Bruh, yo pic is raw as hell!
7412670
thank you
lol, that poem
Its a good idea, and the poem was great, but i had to down vote it because the words seemed choppy and out of place.