Daddy's Dash

Alcatraz #1 · May 25th, 2016 · 6 · 2 ·

Cover art by Ambris and used with out their premission or knowledge.

The thing about this is, you should always make the effort to ask an artist their permission to use their art as a cover. It's lazy to not send them at least one message, two if you don't hear back in a week or two. At least then you can say you've made that much of an effort. Even if you don't hear back from them, there's far better ways to say what you've written. I'd go for something like: "Cover belongs to (insert artist's name here). Used without permission but in good faith." What you've put comes across as extremely arrogant.

Now, onto the story.

Sorry it’s been so long” Rainbow Blaze

Missing a comma between 'long' and the closing quotation mark.

“Actually, I have a better idea.” Blaze countered,

Swap the positions of the comma and period around.

(quick for the two speedsters anyway,)

The comma goes on the outside of the brackets.

around much lately,” He apologized.

De-capitalise 'He'.

“Nah, don’t worry” rainbow replied,

Comma between 'worry' and closing quotation mark. Capitalise 'rainbow'.

“Yeah, that certainly didn’t help.” Blaze chuckled,

Swap the positions of the comma and period around.

Blaze sniffed the air twice in quick succession before abruptly asking “Are you in heat right now?”

Well that escalated quickly

abruptly asking “Are

Use a comma or semi-colon after 'asking'.
Effectively: abruptly asking; “Are
or: abruptly asking, “Are
It doesn't matter which, but you need one or the other. I'm partial to the semi-colon.

I- I- What!?” She stammered

De-capitalise 'she'.

“Dad.” Rainbow warned.

You'd probably be better off using an ellipsis in place of the period.

Blaze persisted unabated

Missing a period at the end of 'unabated'.

Blaze rubbed the back of his neck,

Replace comma with a period.

I’m really seeing ~~you and~~ grownup mare you really are."

Axe the strike-though portion and replace with just 'the'.
Effectively the sentence becomes: This is the first time I’m really seeing the grownup mare you really are.”

her father was suddenly straddling her and pressing his lips against her’s.

OK, that escalated really fucking quickly

as blaze soon

Capitalise 'blaze' since it's a name in this case.

Rainbow’s swollen breasts.

Why are they swollen? That seems rather weird to me.

With that out of the way, the story itself is, admittedly, a bit sub-par in comparison to what I normally read. It would be a good idea to get someone who's willing to edit, then you can potentially bump up the quality of the story. Nothing really happens outside of "and then this happens" in terms of development, so you missed out on a lot of potential for that Between daughter and father. You could try reading more clopfics to get a better idea on how to write longer sex scenes, as this one didn't do a good job of getting a rise out of me, heh. Try doing a lot more research before you write another clopfic. This was just way too short to accomplish anything, sorry.

Scorpentor

Scorpentor #2 · May 25th, 2016 · · ·

Scorpentor

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