Motherless Mother's Day

Comment posted by Dash32 deleted Jun 1st, 2016

Comment posted by RainbowdashieCloudsdale deleted Jun 1st, 2016

Comment posted by Dash32 deleted Jun 1st, 2016

Comment posted by RainbowdashieCloudsdale deleted Jun 1st, 2016

Comment posted by Dash32 deleted Jun 1st, 2016

Sky Sunset shimmer

Sky Sunset shimmer #6 · Jun 1st, 2016 · · ·

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The feels
That is an amazing fanfic!

Dash32

Dash32 #7 · Jun 1st, 2016 · · ·

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Thanks! To be honest I feel like it was rushed a bit but I'm glad you liked it!

Maxxarcade

Maxxarcade #8 · Jun 2nd, 2016 · · ·

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I'm all but certain that Rainbow's Dad is still alive, but my belief is that she may have lost her mom when she was young. That could explain her insecurities. And being raised by her Dad probably explains the other big parts of her personality :-)

Dash32

Dash32 #9 · Jun 2nd, 2016 · · ·

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7268443 Probably. I just thought it'd be a good way to start the story with both her parents being dead. Plus it's my first story so it ain't really my best work. Ah well, only time can help me improve!

Static_War

Static_War #10 · Jun 2nd, 2016 · · ·

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So sad and amazing!

Dash32

Dash32 #11 · Jun 2nd, 2016 · · ·

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7269205 glad you enjoyed it!

Maxxarcade

Maxxarcade #12 · Jun 3rd, 2016 · · ·

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7268509 I was curious, have you seen all the show episodes up to this point?

Dash32

Dash32 #13 · Jun 3rd, 2016 · · ·

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7270966 not all of them. I still have yet to see Wendigo wasteland and any of the new episodes past newbie dash

Maxxarcade

Maxxarcade #14 · Jun 3rd, 2016 · · ·

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7271028 Ok, I was gonna ask a couple questions, but it'll have to wait till you're caught up.

Dash32

Dash32 #15 · Jun 3rd, 2016 · · ·

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7271034 that may take a while. I have no way to watch the new episodes. My family don't know I'm a brony so I can't watch any of them. Plus my internet is terrible where I'm at. Plus no matter where I look I cannot find Wendigo wasteland anywhere! It's starting to bug me

Maxxarcade

Maxxarcade #16 · Jun 4th, 2016 · · ·

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7271125 Windigo Wasteland? There's no episode by that name. Maybe you're using alternate titles that blind reactors use?

Dash32

Dash32 #17 · Jun 4th, 2016 · · ·

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7273666 oh. I dunno the real name of it then. It's the one where the Mane 6 get frozen by these flying ghost horses or something and then Twilight gets a sudden surge of magic and breaks out of the ice.

Maxxarcade

Maxxarcade #18 · Jun 4th, 2016 · · ·

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7274033 That's a season 2 episode, Hearth's Warming Eve. I'll send you a PM in a bit.

Dash32

Dash32 #19 · Jun 4th, 2016 · · ·

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7274725 alright. Thanks!

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #20 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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Rainbow takes a few moments to think of what to say, but the only thing that comes out are tears that trickle down her cheeks and to the ground in front of her parent's tombs. She falls back on her haunches and takes a moment to attempt to compose herself. She takes a deep breath and once again speaks with a shuddering voice.

I know I'm just being a jerk.
But I think that phrase (in bold) could use a little rewording.

“...I miss you guys so, so much. I wish you were here. I-If I had been faster I could have stopped that carriage...I remember the stallion ended up getting prosecuted. He was intoxicated. I know he wasn't in the right mind when he did it but...still doesn't make it right. To this day I still want to find that pony and beat the ever loving Tartarus out of him. If I was faster, I could have stopped him, it would never have happened...If I had been faster you'd both still be here, but instead...y-you're just gone...I wish you could have met my friends. You'd like them. There's Rarity, the town fashionista. She's also the Element of Generosity. She's a bit of a neat freak but she's a good friend. Then there's Pinkie Pie, the ‘super duper party planner’ as she likes to be called. She's probably the most hyperactive pony you'd ever meet. She's the Element of Laughter. A bit liberal with her Pinkie Promises. But she's awesome. You already know Fluttershy. She's the Element of Kindness. That pony never ceases to amaze me. She's afraid of her own shadow, but she can stare down and make a one hundred foot tall fire breathing dragon cry like a foal. I don't get it. Nevertheless, she's dependable, smart, and yes, kind. Then ya got Applejack, the best salespony in town. She's the Element of Honesty. You can't lie to her and not have her call your bluff on it. She's tough, surprisingly smart, and she's almost as fast as me! I've never met another pony who could even remotely compete with me! Finally, there's Twilight Sparkle. Like I told you guys earlier she is the Element of Magic. And like I said, she's an Alicorn which means she's a princess. She is now one of four princesses in Equestria. The fourth being Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire. You may not have heard of the Crystal Empire, because it was lost to the frozen North for a thousand years. But my friends and I put it back on the map after we defeated King Sombra and brought hope back to its townsfolk. Well, actually it was Spike the Dragon who defeated him after finding and returning the crystal heart back to its rightful place. But anyway, my friends and I have defeated so many villains and saved Equestria multiple times. Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Discord, some show off named Trixie. We beat all of them. The point is, I don't know where I'd be without them. I'd probably be in the hospital with a broken bone, or maybe...I'd be with you guys...”

The fact that this is all rammed together takes a little from the story (for me), but not too much. Needs to be spread out a little, but it's still good.

I want you to meet this little fully who looks up to me. She says I'm her hero...her name is Scootaloo.

Fully is Filly. But still a nice quote.

“And mom? Happy Mother's Day.”

And here's where water somehow got in my eyes...

Nice going overall. Only a few small errors, but nothing I'm not struggling with in my own writings.

Great work! This goes into "Other Goodies".

Dash32

Dash32 #21 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316574 I'm glad you enjoyed it. As far as the errors go, the part that you felt was all crammed together I'm not really sure how I could fix it. Putting it into paragraphs doesn't sound right to me. And the part where she talks about Scootaloo, I don't know how the hell I didn't catch that.

And any tips on how I can reword the bold part would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #22 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316664
May I humbly suggest something like this.

instead of:

Rainbow takes a few moments to think of what to say, but the only thing that comes out are tears that trickle down her cheeks and to the ground in front of her parent's tombs. She falls back on her haunches and takes a moment to attempt to compose herself. She takes a deep breath and once again speaks with a shuddering voice.

Maybe something like this?

Rainbow takes a few moments to think of what to say, but the only things that come out are tears that trickled across her cheeks, and down onto the ground in front of her parent's tombs. She falls back on her haunches and takes a moment to attempt to compose herself. She takes a deep breath and once again speaks with a shuddering voice.

Or this?

Rainbow takes a few moments to think of what to say, but the only things that came out were tears that trickle across her cheeks, and down unto the ground in front of her parent's tombs. She falls back on her haunches and takes a moment to attempt to compose herself. She takes a deep breath and once again speaks with a shuddering voice.

And as far as making the quotes separate paragraphs, I think you might be able to do so like this:

“...I miss you guys so, so much. I wish you were here. I-If I had been faster I could have stopped that carriage...
"I remember the stallion ended up getting prosecuted. He was intoxicated. I know he wasn't in the right mind when he did it but...still doesn't make it right. To this day I still want to find that pony and beat the ever loving Tartarus out of him. If I was faster, I could have stopped him, it would never have happened...If I had been faster you'd both still be here, but instead...y-you're just gone...I wish you could have met my friends.
"You'd like them. There's Rarity, the town fashionista. She's also the Element of Generosity. She's a bit of a neat freak but she's a good friend. Then there's Pinkie Pie, the ‘super duper party planner’ as she likes to be called. She's probably the most hyperactive pony you'd ever meet. She's the Element of Laughter. A bit liberal with her Pinkie Promises. But she's awesome.
"You already know Fluttershy. She's the Element of Kindness. That pony never ceases to amaze me. She's afraid of her own shadow, but she can stare down and make a one hundred foot tall fire breathing dragon cry like a foal. I don't get it. Nevertheless, she's dependable, smart, and yes, kind. Then ya got Applejack, the best salespony in town. She's the Element of Honesty. You can't lie to her and not have her call your bluff on it. She's tough, surprisingly smart, and she's almost as fast as me! I've never met another pony who could even remotely compete with me!
"Finally, there's Twilight Sparkle. Like I told you guys earlier she is the Element of Magic. And like I said, she's an Alicorn which means she's a princess. She is now one of four princesses in Equestria. The fourth being Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire.
"You may not have heard of the Crystal Empire, because it was lost to the frozen North for a thousand years. But my friends and I put it back on the map after we defeated King Sombra and brought hope back to its townsfolk. Well, actually it was Spike the Dragon who defeated him after finding and returning the crystal heart back to its rightful place. But anyway, my friends and I have defeated so many villains and saved Equestria multiple times.
"Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Discord, some show off named Trixie. We beat all of them. The point is, I don't know where I'd be without them. I'd probably be in the hospital with a broken bone, or maybe...I'd be with you guys...”

But, that's just my being nitpicky. It's fine how it is, I was just taught to notice these things, sir.

I just tend to be a bit of a Grammar Nazi.

Just a couple humble suggestions. I'm still working through minor issues like this myself!

Dash32

Dash32 #23 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316704 I will make adjustments accordingly. Thanks!! And would you mind reading the story I just submitted today and let me know what I could do to make it better?

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #24 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316732
It would be my honor to look at it when it comes out, thank you for valuing my opinions.

Dash32

Dash32 #25 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316742 I will send you a link

Comment posted by Amethyst_Dawn deleted Jun 18th, 2016

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #27 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316774
Thank you for the link. But Alas, I'm afraid I cannot review mature content. My apologies.

Dash32

Dash32 #28 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316788 do you know how to enable it?

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #29 · Jun 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7316801
Yes, but I am somewhat... under the age limit.

So... I prefer to keep it off. Would you mind informing me what it is rated M for? If it is for gore, I'll be able take a quick look at it. But if it's for sexual content, I'm afraid I'll have to decline.

Dash32