3: "Time" for a meet and greet
3rd person POV, the day after Luna’s return and purification, Royal Castle
“This is so cool!” Luna said, walking back into her room with her sister, Celestia, while also slipping from Royal Speech. She hadn't been in there in a thousand years, since her banishment. She noticed that her figurines were still here, albeit covered in dust. She also noticed other things in her room, but she mainly focused on the action figures.
She zoomed in on her favorite action figure: the Unknown. It was a bipedal character with a flame in one hand, a sword in the other, with an overlarge, smooth stick and a few strands of hair tied together on the belt. They had a large hat that obscured their face from view, and some light green and brown clothes, like robes. She liked it since it seemed, even sculpted in plastic, powerful and mystic.
Luna had been trying to figure out where he was from for a long time, but no one knew, and she’d looked through a lot of books. On occasion, she’d thought she slightly recognized him, but that was quickly gone.
Her sister noticed her looking at him and smiled. “Hey, I’d forgotten about him. You never found out where he was from? ”
“We were just thinking about that. No, but we did occasionally feel like we know him from somewhere… ” Luna said, trailing off, “But no matter! Our room, after so long!”
Suddenly, there was a bright light, emanating from Luna’s display. It intensified, until it was like having the sun right outside the window.
When it faded, the Unknown’s figure was gone, but a bipedal, smooth-skinned creature was kneeling in front of the display. It looked exactly like the Unknown’s figure, but alive and moving.
As it stood up, Luna and Celestia gasped and stared at it. They started backing up, towards the door. The Unknown stood up and looked in their direction, then they heard a small *snap* and he was gone.
“Wha… What just happened?”
“I… uhh… I don’t know.”
They stood there for a second, then Luna said, “We should probably investigate this.”
“Oh, you think?”
Manus’ POV, same time, Old castle in the Everfree Forest
Well, I’d freaked out Luna and Celestia already. I’d meant to wake up a day before Luna came back as Nightmare Moon, but I’d came back a day after instead. Whoops. Of course they were in there when I came back. Murphy’s Law, I hate you.
Well, not like they can do anything to kill me. I’ll just come back after they do. After Faust made me a primordial, by boosting my magical powers and reserves, as well as my strength and intelligence, she named me “Wisdom”. That’s my official title, but I still go by Manus.
Well, I go by that with those who still are aware of my existence. That’s a grand total of 2 - no, 4 now, even if the additional 2, the royal sisters, don’t know who exactly I am. I guess Faust would count, if she wakes up.
I mean, take a couple million year nap, and no one even remembers you. I used to be respected by the ranks of beings! I was one of the elder Primordials, the embodiment of Intelligence and Wisdom!
The alicorns and other old creatures that Faust, Time, and Space made while I was learning respected me after I was made a god. I learned all the types of magic and mastered them, making new spells left and right. I learned how to use my catalyst to utilize Unicorn magic to it’s maximum potential, hundreds of times stronger than even Starswirl the Bearded dared to imagine.
Now… I’m just a tiny bit pissed off. I’m not even remembered, when Faust definitely is, and probably so are Time and Space. I created the Abyss and Tartarus, to trap the things that shouldn’t ever be free, and will never be because of me! Well, I’m the least conspicuous, since I’m just a little-thought-about concept. Time and Space are fundamentals of existence that are more noticeable, unlike me, who you have to look for to see.
At least I’m back now. So, back to business. The royal sisters will probably try and track me down, so I’ll make it easy and let enough of my cloak off for them to sense me, and then go down to the Royal Castle so they can meet me. I’ll let Time and Space know that I’m back at the same time, since they’ll be able to sense me, too.
All right, let’s hope this goes well, I successfully negotiate with the ponies, and they don’t try to kill me.
Happy times!
Celestia’s POV, 5 minutes later, Courtyard of the royal castle
“Alright, we’re searching for a mysterious creature. Me and Luna saw it, and it was tall, bipedal, and has a large hat with green robes. It is, as far as we can tell, powerful. It teleported without a horn, and we can’t track it with magic.
“You soldiers are going to canvas every place within 50 miles to find it. If you do find it, do not approach, but call me and Luna. We’ll bring the rest of the guard, and trap it, then find out what it is. We’ve also called in the Elements of Harmony to help, if it’s evil, so we can trap it.”
I paced along the front side of the courtyard, giving orders as I went. There were 200 Royal Guard in front of me, Day and Night guard mixed together. They were the elite only, since I figured that we’d need it if this turned sour.
Not to mention, I had all 6 Elements of Harmony, users and artifacts, there, too. They were inexperienced, only learning about them being the Elements yesterday, but were there to trap it if needed, like with Luna. They looked slightly hesitant to head out and look for this thing, even Rainbow Dash.
“But, Celestia, shouldn’t we at least try to get an idea of what we’re looking for? It could be dangerous!” Twilight said, looking very worried about the prospect of looking for something possibly dangerous, especially without any research at all!
I sighed and thought about it for a second.
“Me, your friends and you, and Luna will research here while the guard looks for it.”
As Twilight was about to answer, I felt a sudden disturbance in the air. It felt like pure magic, leaking out from a strong source nearby. This was too much of a coincidence that the creature had appeared, and now this was happening. It must be nearby, possibly coming to the Castle.
I yelled, “Something’s coming our way! Get in position!”.
Then, it popped up in the courtyard entrance, just like when it had disappeared from Luna’s room. It stepped forward, as every other thing there stepped back, almost none of them in position. I looked at it and said, “What are you?”.
It looked back at me, and said, “I’m Manus, also known as the Primordial god of Wisdom, and it’s a pleasure to meet you. Appreciate it if you don’t attack me. Shall we step inside for a chat?”.
Manus’ POV, 3 minutes later, Royal Castle throne-room
Well, these ponies are… skittish.
When I magically teleported to the gate and stepped forward, I apparently scared all of them, since they started backing up, away from me. When I said my part, I stood there for a second, waiting to be invited in. They just sat there and stared at me, so I invited myself in, and they all followed.
Now, we’re here in the throne-room. Celestia and Luna, as well as the Elements, were looking at me very suspiciously. I could tell that they were nervous, possibly because I still had the super powerful aura escaping out. I put my magical cloak back on, and they visibly relaxed a bit. Oh, wait, Celestia’s about to talk now.
“So, again… What exactly are you? A… god? I seriously doubt this.”
Oh, come on! Didn’t they feel my aura? Well, they aren’t bound to take the arrival of a god well, I suppose. I responded, “Yes, I’m a god. The primordial god of Wisdom, to be exact. Do you want me to show you?”
She smiled. “Oh yes, show us your wisdom godliness.”
So arrogant. Well, that was about to change. “I’m not just god of wisdom. I’m also affiliated with magic. I’ll show you a fairly simple sample of my magic.”
I summoned a Vow of Silence with my talisman, and grinned. “Try casting a spell.”
Celestia smiled back at me and did… nothing. Her eyes widened in shock, and she felt her horn. “What have you done?! I can’t cast magic! My horn isn’t even pooling any magic!”
I responded, still grinning, “I used a Vow of Silence. It limits all magic being cast, except mine since it’s so powerful, within the effect area. You can’t use any magic for another… 20 seconds, now. Now, watch this…”
I cast a Fire Whip, and made sure not to hit anyone, but threw it around a few times, then put it away. “See? My magic should be negated by that spell, but it doesn’t even affect me.”
Her eyes widened, and she seemed a bit scared. “Oh, uh, okay…”
I sighed. This wasn’t going well. I’m going to do what I thought about doing before, and this’ll definitely get Time’s attention. “Well, you’re not taking it that well. I’m going to reverse time, go back and blend in with the populace for a bit. I’ll get Time’s attention, too, and let her know I’m back. ”
Twilight looked like she was going to explode. “Wait! You know how to time travel? That’s supposed to be super hard!”
I smiled. “That’s easy, for my powers at least. It would take about 3 highly magical alicorn’s magic at the same time to cast this spell. See ya!”
Celestia seemed like she was about to protest at being left behind, but I had already left.
I went back about 48 hours. I sighed as I landed, since I could feel her coming. Great.
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU DICK!?”
I sighed, yet again. “Hi to you too.”
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Seems interesting
MOAR
Like the start and will see where this goes...The thing about OP character stories is that they either is crap or extremely good since the story have to focus on something else to remain interesting while an average story can still scrape by with good choreography in fight scenes (something this kind can't really do since it usually ends too quickly). I only have two "complaints" so far in the form of constructive criticism: first of there is too many Point of view changes, don't take me wrong a pov change can be good if done in style but when you press in as many as you can fit in a story you usually only distract the readers from the actual plot. Something to think about is if you remove all lines with an pov change do you actually change anything (but keep the lines they are classy as hell), for example
If you take this part
It looked back at me, and said, “I’m Manus, also known as the Primordial god of Wisdom, and it’s a pleasure to meet you. Appreciate it if you don’t attack me. Shall we step inside for a chat?”.
Manus’ POV, 3 minutes later, Royal Castle throne-room
Well, these ponies are… skittish.
And turn it into this
It looked back at me, and said, “I’m Manus, also known as the Primordial god of Wisdom, and it’s a pleasure to meet you. Appreciate it if you don’t attack me. Shall we step inside for a chat?”.
(3 minutes later) Well, these ponies are… skittish.
What actually change?
The reader can figure out that there is a new pov without you telling them simply by reading, and a subtle hint such as a line is usually enough. A vissible pov where the author shows it straight can be good if done correctly, but as a role of thumb you should not have more than one of them per chapter unless every chapter is a 10k beast (and if you do it usually helps to have a clear reason why you write in such a fashion).
The secound Point is that you use too many contractions such as I'd, I've and I'm (amongst others). While it can be used to show how a person is speaking it usually is a good idea to minimize the ammount of them in descriptions and thoughts (unless used in a character who frequently uses them) from third person perscectives since otherwise the writing simply seems..... lazy for a lack of a better word.
Again im not Writing this to be mean I only want to add constructive criticism (which im not very good at) and I am writing this because I really hope that this will be a success since it already got everything a good story in the making have and needs.
I wish you well and hope you have a good day
.
NICE!
This is a really good story so far, and I can't wait to read more of it.
7224335 Thanks for the advice.
About the POV changes: That's kinda what I thought too, so I'm going to tone them down a bit. I'm thinking of making each chapter mainly in one character's view, with a few deviations here and there.
About the contractions: That's a personal problem of mine.
I'm working on that right now.
About the OP character: Yeah, he's kinda OP. Like, majorly OP. BUT... I hope to make that lessen, add some limitations and... situations. Very complicated situations.
7223741 Thanks! I hope to keep it that way!
7224021 Ask and you shall receive! New chapter in 2-3 days!
7224400 Thanks, and nice name!
7224843 I hope it stays that way for you, and I'm updating in a few days!
7224905 ok
7224905 it signifies my hate of all caribou rapist DEATH TO ALL CARIBOU RAPISTS
YAY IM NOT ALONE COMMENTING!
7233965 No, you are not!
7226222 That's, like, the BEST reason for a name EVER!