Night Sorrow

Night Sorrow is a young colt who is abandoned in the Everfree Forest by his parents and is found by Rainbow Dash and is taken back to Ponyville, what will become of this young colt?

(First Person)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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IAmScootaloo

IAmScootaloo #1 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · · Night Sorrow ·

This story is awesome so far! Can't wait to see how this story plays out. Great job!

-Hidden Identity-

-Hidden Identity- #2 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · · Night Sorrow ·

Aight, so I think that this story has real potential. The tone of the story doesn't falter, and the characters of the ponies we all know and love from the show aren't changed, so props for that. Also something that was done well, you set up the main character's personality well; being shy, nervous, a bit frightened, but willing to trust because he really just doesn't have anypony else to trust. Although, seeing that he was abandoned at a very young age, I would guess, would develop some trust issues, but that's just my train of thought. Looking forward to seeing where this is going, and will check for it later on.

One thing though, tighten up the wording and grammar. It doesn't detract from the story too much, but it is noticeable, especially in the first paragraph. Another relatively minor thing, the pace seems a bit fast. There was some really good description initially, but then it dropped away for the most part. I would suggest drawing it out more in the future; it gives the readers more fanfiction entertainment.

These are just my ideas, I don't want to come across as wanting to change your story, just a couple of ideas. But you do have my upvote, well done.

AlionaG3n

AlionaG3n #3 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · · Night Sorrow ·

Can't read it all now, but from what I have read, punctuation!
The third paragraph felt like it wasn't going to end. I will finish at a later time, but until then it sounds really good!

marcyfly

marcyfly #4 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · · Night Sorrow ·

i it but can i be a bit judgy and tell you it's Everfree Forest.

Shadow Firetail

Shadow Firetail #5 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · · Night Sorrow ·

I hope you add more chapters soon because I am very anxious to see how this story turns out. Hopefully he gets better and becomes happy again after his ordeal.

some random guy 1