The UNSC Archives:
Church looked from Washington, to Caboose, to Sarge – dumbfounded.
“You’re working for Carolina.”
“Well…” Washington leaned against the doorframe. “Kind-of. It’s complicated.”
“There’s nothing complicated about it.” Church snapped. “Don’t you remember what happened with her - and her AI’s?”
“Of course I do.” He replied. “But she seems okay… so far.”
“I’m sure she does.” Church shook his head. “You know you can’t trust her.”
Washington was quiet for a few seconds, putting the room into an uneasy silence.
“Well?” Church pressed.
Washington shrugged. “Church, this is our one shot to get to the Director. Without you-” He glanced at Caboose. “-They couldn’t convict him of anything. He’s done so much, to me… and to Carolina. With all of us here, we can take him down.”
Church shook his head. “It’ll never work. He’ll just slip away again. There won’t be enough evidence. Carolina wants to kill him.”
Washington lifted his gun, leaving the unspoken statement hanging in the air.
“Oh.” Church replied, before turning to Sarge and Caboose.
“And what did they tell you to get you into this?”
“Hey, I want to find this guy too.” Sarge barked. “Let’s see if this Director-guy can tell the difference between a real shotgun and one from a simu-whatsit when it’s jammed against his forehead.”
“And you, Caboose?”
“We’re throwing him a surprise party!” Caboose exclaimed cheerfully.
Church was about to reply, when Carolina returned from the fighting.
“I hope you guys are done swapping stories.” She reloaded her rifle. “Because we need to move. They’re coming in through the exit point. Caboose, toss me the memory unit.”
“Okay!” Caboose shouted. “I’m helping!”
He bent down and picked up the memory unit, throwing it underarm in Carolina's general direction…
Right through Church.
“Wait, Caboose, no!” Shouted Washington, diving forward.
Too late.
The unit came into contact with Church’s hologram, and with a flash, he was sucked inside it.
“Oh no.” Caboose sighed dejectedly.
“Caboose!” Carolina shouted as the memory unit sailed across the room and collided with the wall.
***
Church was falling, spiralling down and down through an endless void, broken only by vertical strings of ones and zeroes flying past him.
“Oh no…” Sighed Caboos's voice, leaking in from the outside world.
He didn’t shout, or scream. This was all just coding, and he was in no real danger.
‘I don’t remember falling the last time I came in here.’ Church mused, his arms and legs tingling. ‘And I don’t remember this weird feeling.’
“Caboose!” Carolina’s voice shouted.
The tingling intensified, and church started to feel very uneasy.
‘Something must be wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t-“
His thoughts were interrupted by an ear-splitting crack, and the entire world shook violently.
Church hit something. It wasn’t very substantial – almost like glass – and it shattered under the force of his fall.
Now he was worried.
Church let out a shout as he emerged from the black void into a clear blue sky.
This wasn’t good.
“Oh FUCK!” Shouted church as he dropped - spiralling down to the ground, which was so far below that he couldn’t even see it. He was above the clouds.
Church dropped, still screaming, his mind a blur.
‘What’s happening? Why is this happening?’
“Holy Fuck! I’m going to Die!” Church shouted, even as his subconscious reminded him at he wasn’t even in a real body.
Church dropped through the clouds, giving him a clear view of the ground only a few seconds away.
“Fuuu-“ Church started to yell, before he was cut off by a sudden yank on his leg.
“Yeah! Gotcha!” Came a shout, as Church was yanked sideways, his fall stopped completely by the sudden catch.
What had caught him? Why had they talked? What could they possibly be using that could let them talk directly to him?
Church was hanging upside down, staring directly at the ground – which seemed to be comprised of rolling hills and a large town. That, however, could wait until he had figured out what had happened.
“What the hell-“ He twisted around in midair, trying to look at what had caught him.
“Hey!” Shouted his saviour as they started swooping down, drawing closer to the ground. “Don’t do that!”
“What?” Church continued struggling, twisting around awkwardly to try and get a look at-
-A horse. A blue horse, with a spiky rainbow coloured mane, and wings.
“What the fuck?” Church stared at the horse, wondering where its rider was – and why there was a horse, - and why the horse had wings. “Where… What the Fuck?!”
The horse turned its head to look at him. “What?” it exclaimed. “I just saved your life!”
“Holy shit!” Church shouted, squirming around. “A talking horse! What the fuck is going on here?!”
“Stop squirming! Hey!” The blue horse warned as Church squirmed frantically. “Don’t do that! We’re still too high! Don’t-“
Too late.
Church came free, and he dropped.
He flailed his arms as he plummeted a good thirty meters to the ground, his panic interrupted by one thought.
‘What happened to my hands?’
Church hit the ground.
Hard.
***
Church hazily swam back from the depths of unconsciousness – or whatever applied to AI’s. His head was thumping, and his entire body hurt.
“Is he going to be okay?” asked a female voice
“How should I know? I’m not a doctor.” Replied the voice of the strange blue horse.
He let out a little moan, barely loud enough to be heard by even himself.
“So he just fell from the sky?”
“Yeah. I was starting out on cloud patrol, and… this happened.”
“Hmm…” mused the newer voice
There was silence for a few seconds.
“A pony falling from the sky… I think Princess Celestia will want to hear about this.”
Church let out another moan, trying to put as much volume as he could into it. The result was barely any louder.
“Did you hear that?”
“No.”
“Oh.” There was a brief silence. “How long do you think Applejack’s gonna take? This guy doesn’t look too good.”
Church’s throat hurt like hell, and he wasn’t really focussed on the conversation – his head was throbbing too hard - but he could recognise the familiar patterns of time wasting.
It was painful, a feeling akin to having his throat blended, but Church managed to let out an even louder groan, sounding almost like a wail.
“Ooooooh…” He rasped, dragging out his words. “Fuuuuuck…”
And that was all he could produce.
“Oh!” Exclaimed the newer voice, suddenly coming closer. “Hello? Can you hear me?”
Church let out another moan.
The voice was talking again, but Church couldn’t make out the words. His thinking was getting more sluggish.
With a little groan, he passed out again.
***
“…nasty fall…”
“…be okay?”
“…a little magic… …right up…”
Church moaned, cracking his eyes open.
“Hey, he’s waking up!” Said one voice.
The room fell silent as Church cringed away from the light flooding his eyes.
“Oww…” He groaned. “Turn the fucking lamp off.”
“Oh, right.” Said one of the voices, followed promptly by a click.
Church blinked twice as the light disappeared, revealing seven horses standing around his bed. One of them looked familiar.
“What…” He looked around, blinking again. “I… What? Why are there horses…” He looked around, realising that he was in a bed, with medical curtains on either side. “…in a fucking hospital?”
One of the horses – one dyed very close to orange – looked at a purple one.
“And why are they all so… fucking colourful?” Church continued.
“Uhh…” Started the orange horse. “Why’s he talkin’ like that?”
“I don’t know.” Said the purple one.
Church stared in shock at the two horses.
‘Holy shit, those things are talking.’
He opened his mouth to say the same thing, but all that rolled out was a flat: “Uhh…”
“But isn’t it obvious?” Another horse – a white one – spoke up. “He’s had a nasty fall. The poor dear’s brain is scrambled!”
‘Holy-fuck-holy-fuck-holy-fuck-holy-fuck.’ Church’s mind raced, staring at the three horses.
“What?” He spat the word out like it was poison. “What is going on here?”
“He’s funny!” Yet another of the horses chirped, this one wearing a pink coat.
Church closed his eyes. “What the fuck is going on here? You can’t actually be talking.”
“Why wouldn’t we be?” The purple one asked, a confused edge to her voice.
Church’s eyes opened again, and he pointed at the horse.
“Because horses don’t fucking tal-“ He started venomously, before trailing off.
He was pointing at the horse, but what he was pointing with was shocking.
He didn’t have any fingers – Hell, he didn’t even have a hand.
Church stared at the stump, realizing that it was in fact a hoof. A horse hoof.
“What?!”
The orange horse stepped a little closer to the bed. “Uhh… What were ya saying about ponies not talkin’?” She raised an eyebrow, her voice also tinged with confusion.
Church wasn’t listening. He was too busy staring at his hoof, tracing it back to his forearm, then his shoulder. None of it looked human, with all of it shaped like a horse’s front leg, covered in cobalt hair.
“I’m…” He whipped his head around, searching for a mirror. “I’m a…”
Church found a hand mirror, wedging it between his two hoofs and lifting it awkwardly to look at his face.
He was silent for five whole seconds, absorbing the sight.
Pointed ears.
A green-blue mane.
A muzzle.
A horn.
“I’m a fucking HORSE?!”
1mut.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Me-gusta-face-meme-collection-1mut.com-5.png
Dude, that's RvB spoilers right there in the description! Not cool.
you have some fucking compitition. DarkWing already has his own crossover that makes others that attempt to do theirs cower in fear. but dont get discoraged, i want to see how you take it in the story
I do believe you have captured the essence of Church if he was to one day turn into a talking pony.
best reaction ever ... of all time
751987 Thanks! I'm glad you like it.
---
751989 You're right. I never actually stopped and considered that... My problem now is that I'm actually unsure how far back the spoilers... spoil. Once I have decided, I will add a spoiler warning to the Long Description, as actually removing the spoilers would leave it vague and uninteresting.
I'm actually sorry about this slip up, because I'm worried that I may have spoiled the newer seasons of Red Vs blue for you... So if I have, well then I am very sorry.
---
751990 Ah, yes. I believe I stumbled across that a little while ago. I noted that there never seemed to be any lasting tension between any of the characters. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I like to write that way.
---
752026 752193 752353 Thanks, Thanks, and Thanks. I'm really glad you like it.
Due to time constraints, I doubt I'll be uploading a thousand words a day, like DarkWing, but I'll keep on keeping-on.
753260 OK, I actually didn't pay enough attention to the later part of the description, and I watched up to where this probably starts (it was a while ago, I don't remember). The spoiler is Church's relationship with the AIs and what he is. So you'd better change the title to "Church in Equestria", add a warning that it spoils RvB up to what, season 9? And add extra empty lines to the long description so that you need to click "More" to get to the spoilery parts, which are probably necessary to describe the fic.
753342 Okay then. First I need to change the cover image, so just give me a few minutes.
It's a shame. Church in Equestria just doesn't have the same flow.
753379 Yeah... I am a little confused about how that is actually a spoiler. We know that Epsilon has turned into a new version of Church from mid-season 7 onward, and if you aren't up to that yet, then I don't really see why you would be reading RvB Fan fiction anyway.
753379 753342 Yeah, I've given it some more thought, and I've decided that the name 'Epsilon' is not a spoiler, considering how far it stretches back. In order to make the title flow more, I'm going to change it back to Epsilon in Equestria.
753551 Better make it long. Like over 100 chapters long. Cause there is another fan-fic with more chapters you can read, and I'm looking foward to reading yours.
754521 I already know about My Little Caboose. I don't really see the need for Competition, and I know I can't match the production speed of it either, but I still plan to write this. Thanks for reading.
754701 Well I already read the latest chapter and I'm itching for more.
lol this is awesome!
759155 Thanks very much!
dude, great job. I'm loving how this has started off. You know what's funny? That Burnie Burns, the creator of RvB and Church's voice, is a co worker of several Bronies and doesn't believe in the Brony subculture. To have his character become a pony is clear irony.
and i thought my luck couldnt get any better
first a crossover of halo then dead space then leageu of legends and now THIS!
I AM SOO LUCKY
think you
i like it! ive found one other red vs blue crossover story and they were very exaggerated compared to the actual characters. i think you got it right though.
well done
I'm a fucking horse too.
griffin: tsk i hear that every timewhen im done with tha lady's
boomchikawawaw
For my first ever reading into the RvB Halo saga crossed with MLP, I have to say I'm impressed.
Before you start grinning about my well meaning reply, I do have a confession... this comment is not going to be well worked paragraphs about how much praise Halo needed, or the ultimate crossover, or yadda yadda yadda.... worded by a scholar versed in English Lit 101 and a degree hanging on my wall.
Sadly, it's a basic reply.
My only Halo experience is this:
I did play some Halo solo, but refused to play online due to the fact I would hate getting chunked by an 8 year old with a wonky controller and a head twitch.
I do like the story, and I will continue reading.
One thing I will try to do, is count how many times the F- (yay) -k word comes up in each chapter, just for gits and shiggles, shall we? Below my name I'll have a running count of it, and Flutters yay-ing.
KimonoPony aka Kimonoskunk
15 ^^
CHURCH HATH ASCENDED! HALLELUYAH
Wasn't what I was looking for.
BUT HOLY BALLS THIS IS AMAZING!!!!
1143431
It's Red vs. Blue man they drop f-bombs every five seconds the makes it authentic.
You are familiar with RvB right?
good job caboose.
BEST FRICKING CROSSOVER EVER!!