Three months, it's been three months since Pinkie disappeared. There have been multiple search parties, family members constantly questioned, even pony Twilight came over. She was never found, but one day she did come back, but... different.
7082704 appreciate the support, I'd love it if you would recommend this to people, I'd love to get it out there. The thing about this story is there aren't a lot of pony mafia stories, nor are there many stories where one of the mane six undergoes experiments and becomes something else, this story combines these ideas into one story. But sadly you'll have to wait like everyone else for the next chapter, I have other stories to update and you more than welcome to check them out of if you'd like.
7082766 Well yeah I could, but then people wouldn't be bale to tell what kind of story this is exactly, Also you have to understand that the sex and gore tag are required so it's really only six, other than the number of tags did you enjoy the story?
Not that I'm complaining. Her hair looks a million times better straight anyway.
Sunset Shimmer and the rest either weren’t in the hallways or weren’t at school, some just didn’t have the will to move on, others couldn’t take the pain and just took a break from school, the rest were just unlucky to not be in the halls at the time.
Is this a sequel to something too?
they would have killed everyone at the school who knew you, they would erase any trace of you or me ever existing
That's literally the entire school.
even the teachers knew better than to interfere with something like this.
Since when do teachers stay out of their students business? I must have had the worlds most overly attentive teachers growing up.
“ I lost my Laughter.”
Well ya done goofed Pinks, now they won't stop investigating until they dig their own graves. Or take down your enemies. Whichever comes first.
Alright, so I read through this and here is my comment as promised. I’d like to say that the idea behind this is an interesting one... except that I’m not exactly sure what the idea is. Don’t get me wrong, I think I got the gist of it and some hints, it’s just that this whole chapter feels as if the reader is supposed to already know more, as if from a prequel. This is probably most apparent in Pinkamena and Maud’s talk, though a few exposition heavy bits tell me otherwise. Another option I can think of is that you took the retrospective road and the prologue actually belongs about midway into the story... technically, calling it a prologue doesn’t make much sense then, but that’s more of a philosophical discussion that I’m not going to delve into here. To sum it up, this chapter is possibly more vague than it needs to be, and it felt like an inside joke that I only partially understood.
Next thing that I noticed is that you tend to summarize what happened. I cannot really call it telling, but it ain’t showing either... just, something inbetween. Whatever it is, it still results in atmosphere that is almost absent. Was that intentional? Furthermore, watch out for the overuse of pronouns, especially if multiple females are present. Many times I wasn’t sure who is crying and screaming and at whom, and it dampened the flow of the chapter quite a bit.
So, this is what I’ve gathered so far, I hope it was at least a little helpful.
9605158 The way I usually write prologues, is kind of similar to movie trailers. Rather than talking about events that happen before said chapter/story, I show scenes from future parts. So it can seem like you're supposed to know certain things, but in reality it is more like you'll get what's happening then as you read the story.
The empty atmosphere thing you were talking about was somewhat intentional, it isn't really like that later on. And I do improve on use of pronouns with multiple females and males. My writing improves gradually as I write, mainly with this story.
MORE it was so good I loved it. It had a certain feel that is hard to find.
7082704 appreciate the support, I'd love it if you would recommend this to people, I'd love to get it out there. The thing about this story is there aren't a lot of pony mafia stories, nor are there many stories where one of the mane six undergoes experiments and becomes something else, this story combines these ideas into one story. But sadly you'll have to wait like everyone else for the next chapter, I have other stories to update and you more than welcome to check them out of if you'd like.
What is it with people having so many tags on their stories?
Another one with 8 tags, 8! Why? Is there no way for you to narrow it down to 3 or 4 at least?
7082725 I will gladly tell all of my friends to check out all of you work, keep up the god work really looking forward to the future updates
7082766 Well yeah I could, but then people wouldn't be bale to tell what kind of story this is exactly,
Also you have to understand that the sex and gore tag are required so it's really only six, other than the number of tags did you enjoy the story?
Wowza, I can't wait for the next chapter.
Cliche y aburrido. Excelente idea pero mal escrita.
Not that I'm complaining. Her hair looks a million times better straight anyway.
Is this a sequel to something too?
That's literally the entire school.
Since when do teachers stay out of their students business? I must have had the worlds most overly attentive teachers growing up.
Well ya done goofed Pinks, now they won't stop investigating until they dig their own graves. Or take down your enemies. Whichever comes first.
Alright, so I read through this and here is my comment as promised.
I’d like to say that the idea behind this is an interesting one... except that I’m not exactly sure what the idea is. Don’t get me wrong, I think I got the gist of it and some hints, it’s just that this whole chapter feels as if the reader is supposed to already know more, as if from a prequel. This is probably most apparent in Pinkamena and Maud’s talk, though a few exposition heavy bits tell me otherwise. Another option I can think of is that you took the retrospective road and the prologue actually belongs about midway into the story... technically, calling it a prologue doesn’t make much sense then, but that’s more of a philosophical discussion that I’m not going to delve into here. To sum it up, this chapter is possibly more vague than it needs to be, and it felt like an inside joke that I only partially understood.
Next thing that I noticed is that you tend to summarize what happened. I cannot really call it telling, but it ain’t showing either... just, something inbetween. Whatever it is, it still results in atmosphere that is almost absent. Was that intentional? Furthermore, watch out for the overuse of pronouns, especially if multiple females are present. Many times I wasn’t sure who is crying and screaming and at whom, and it dampened the flow of the chapter quite a bit.
So, this is what I’ve gathered so far, I hope it was at least a little helpful.
9605158
The way I usually write prologues, is kind of similar to movie trailers. Rather than talking about events that happen before said chapter/story, I show scenes from future parts. So it can seem like you're supposed to know certain things, but in reality it is more like you'll get what's happening then as you read the story.
The empty atmosphere thing you were talking about was somewhat intentional, it isn't really like that later on. And I do improve on use of pronouns with multiple females and males. My writing improves gradually as I write, mainly with this story.
Thanks for the read!
Damn. How do you make four words sound so cold and chilling? It makes me want to read more!
9728863
There is plenty more to read.
Okay then.