These are hard times for the magical land of Equestria, since the avalance of mount Canterlot destroyed the millenary citadel. A misterious corporation came from another world to bring aid, yet bringing more problems with itself.
The Elements of Harmony were simply incorporated in this flux of events and I, Fluttershy, had found myself in maybe the worst task of this corporation.
I put myself in the hoofs of a questionable medic to fullfil my task in the most effective way, modifying my acting, thinking, and being.
I became a huntress, a mercenary of the Mann Brothers Corporation.
Chapters (6)
I'm not gonna lie, I am immediately (unfortunately) turned off by this story. Though I like the creativity with the whole "interactive text" thing, I think that maybe you should just explain this stuff either in the story (and not in a thing at the bottom), or just make a chapter explaining all of it together (I mean more for the time system you set up, not the other things. Quick edit, sorry). Another thing, maybe try getting an editor. While it is far from unreadable, I still have to go back to make sure I am reading it correctly. I suggest the group Looking for Editors as it has a great base of editors that are willing to help. I wish you good luck with your future in writing, and I can't wait to see what you write!
6978363 Well thank you for your hints ^^ about your troubles with the reading, they may be because english is not my mother language.
I am italian, and I am translating this story of mine from italian; I am sorry if I miss some conjunctions or write some verbs and nouns wrong :( and it is known that the translation takes away some meanings to the actual thing, especially if the translator is not a professional one, as I am not. But I appreciate your honesty, and I am certainly gonna check that group out ;)
6978526 Okay, sorry about that. I wasn't sure if it was your first language and I didn't want to make it seem like I thought that. Thanks for taking the comment as criticism and not just me being mean. Can't wait to see where this goes! Good luck!
6978880 Oh, you are going to love it ;) I hope
6979176 I'm sure I will love it!
Well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. This story is a mess at the moment. It's almost incomprehensible currently, and that's not counting the grammatical errors. I suggest gutting the chapter, reassessing your style a bit, and then rewriting it while keeping good parts. Just remember, I'm being harsh on you because I
am a douchelove you.7032021 I understand that. I have already been told that this first chapter is a mess, even thought it described a dream generated by the god of chaos, Discord.
But it's okay anyway