With the defeat of the Dazzlings Spike and Twilight ready themselves to return to Equestria. However, as Spike steps in something goes wrong and he is shoved into a different world altogether. He journeys for home even with hope long since dead.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Great job mate. Keep up the good work.
Demure Signing Off
P.s. Can't wait for the next chapter.
I want to like it, I really do. The idea is interesting, and Twilight was pretty well written. And for the amount of worldbuilding you do it manages not to intrude too much (Discordian MMORPG, now that's a combo) and stay fairly coherent.
Unfortunately the side was rather let down by the actual main characters. In a pinch I cam accept Spike became ruthless and callous not only because of the brutal world but also how dragons grow as seen in Secrets of my Excess - I suppose cruelty and anthropophagynbeing the main driver for his growth would turn him savage, to say nothing of whatever devotion to a chaos god might do to him. He could be improved but it isn't a game-breaker.
But Sunset. Sunset here is a panicky, whiny, petty and self-centred little damsel in distress (twice already!), and showed all the wrong initiative amd none of the adaptability, courage and wit she is supposed to have. Disorientation and shock can only explain so much, she's been here for quite some time. And the pity is there are moments when she almost work, only to slip away once more into this creature that wears Sunset's skin.
I am going to stick with this for a few more chapters to give it the benefit of the doubt. I do sincerely hope it finds its pace.
PS feel free to PM me if you wish for a more detailed review that doesn't clutter up the comment thread.
7321027
First off, thank you for the praise. The story is definitely one of the first attempts at making a full-length story and I spent a long time trying to world build. Spike, I agree, can be improved with certain things being done but the fact remains that he is a dragon. Not only a dragon but a young bipedal dragon with intelligence far beyond his years due to (in my view) Twilight teaching him everything she could. So while he will he does have allegiance to a mad god and that'll come into play later it's hard for me to think of ways to improve him while not making him OP as it's one aspect in otherworld stories that I hate about main characters. It's a good thing to make them OP if it was more comedy than drama, dark, or tragedy but it's not something I want to do with this story.
Second, Sunset is... well, I love her character and I agree with your assessment of her personality. Unfortunately, it's because of her character that (to me) it's a bit of a challenge to write. I get that she can take initiative and adapt to pretty much all types of situations but I take into account that she only knows Spike in this place. She doesn't know any of the languages, can't read any of the books, has no knowledge of the terrain, can't use her magic, and the only weapon she has (so far) is the dragon tooth Spike gave her. While that would more than be enough of a game changer, I don't want it to just be something she relies on heavily. I'll take the criticism to heart and do my best to make her be the Sunset she deserves to be, but right now there are too many barriers for her to reach that point that I want her to overcome in the story.